Healing

[renaissancewoman101]

I put up a thread earlier but I didnt get many responses so I decided to ask a few of my previous questions again. My biggest question really is "why does my "breaking up" with my best friend feel like it is a relationship breakup complete with all the emotional rollercoaster that comes with that??? T sent me another email this afternoon and against my good judgement, I decided to read it (I just want to make sure he's ok since I do have a heart). He wants to talk things out and see if we can reconcile. He does admit to causing me hurt and he says he's sorry. He also told me that he missed spending his birthday with me yesterday . I dont want to talk right now so I am NOT responding to his email. Maybe later when things calm down. I am not sure.

 

I also know that I need to get parts of my life back in order so that I can move on with myself and make new friends, etc. That leads to my other question, "do you guys think it is a good idea for me to go on a vacation to visit my friend that lives in Chicago. She is a mutual friend of the ex's and she asked me to come visit her for a weekend so we could go to the Ren Faire out there. I miss her a lot and I miss a lot of things out there, esp Ren Faire (I know so many people from that Ren Faire and seeing them would make me really happy). Problem is, if I go out to visit her and go to Ren Faire with her, I am DEFINITELY going to run into the ex. I somewhat still miss the ex but I am not looking for a reconciliation since he has a gf and I am pretty much over him. The only problem is, doing things that remind me of the ex, also brings on a whole avalanche of emotions and I am not sure if I can deal with that, esp now with trying to let T out of my life.

 

Life is a confusion of emotions. But I am getting better.

[chai714]

Anytime you severe communication with someone you care about, you will likely experience a roller coaster of emotions. You might ask yourself, "did I do the right thing?" You may experience doubt, frustratation, the what-if's, etc. All emotions are perfectly normal.

 

From what it sounds like, you made the right decision to cut communication with him.

 

Stick to your guns, life goes on without him and will even be better than before if you let time do it's job.

 

Hang in there RW.

[Beyondthesea]

Maybe later when things calm down. I am not sure.

 

Definitely wrong answer babe. Of course he's sorry now, he has no one to abuse and ridicule. Sorry but he has no 'sorry' on his mind...he has his own ideas on his mind.

 

He tried to get you back into his life with threats and anger and you didn't respond as planned, so now he's getting desperate and trying the "I'll change!" thing. I'm really sorry he is giving you so much grief.

 

In reality Ren, you have to ask yourself, what on Earth could you possibly miss about him? You don't even like him. You two are complete opposites. He is a mean, uncaring and unfeeling person who took advantage of you at every angle. Why would you miss that?

 

It's called stockholm's syndrome. Yes, that's the problem in my opinion. Have you read that article by Dr. Joe Carver on it? It's completely true, and it makes so much sense.

 

You are only addicted to the highs and lows this relationship offered you, nothing else. And you are starving for attention so you tried and tried and tried to please him, and once in a while he would throw you a scrap of attention. So he can't be that bad right? If once in a while he's a nice guy? He must have potential. WRONG>>>>This is why every single woman stays in an abusive relationship. Besides the fact that they think they can change him, this is the reason why.

 

Someone demonstrating they are cruel, mean and intolerant of others and once in a while giving a smile doesn't excuse their constant other behaviors. That is the real issue.

 

Why haven't you blocked his emails? Are you hoping there will be some sort of happily ever between you two? I assure that's not the case. Stop torturing yourself with him and seek some counseling. I assure you, the abuse you suffered is just as bad as being in an abusive dating relationship.

 

Gotta break the cycle babe.

[Beyondthesea]

With regards to your friend, I would go anyway. Sure, you'll see the ex, but you need friends right now.

[renaissancewoman101]

Actually, I am not sure what I want right now. Part of me really wants to get him back because I want what he used to be many years ago, before he came out of the closet to me. But, the logical side of my brain tells me that isnt possible anymore. I know he is grabbing at straws and trying to tell me he can change. He's done this before, tell me things would get better, and for a while things DID get better, but they ALWAYS went back to the same as before.

 

The freaky thing is I miss him kicking me in the butt, tearing me apart, etc. I know that is very warped and weird but that is how I feel right now. Part of me wants someone to get mad at me, tear me apart verbally and emotionally, but there is no one. The other freaky thing is, I also miss my mother right now. She is overseas for a month and it is not easy to get a hold of her because she is on a vacation tour in China with my aunt. I have this overwhelming urge to want to call her and talk to her, knowing that she would eventually get on my case about things and rip into me emotionally. She always does. I miss that . I did try calling her overseas at my grandma's house in Hong Kong, but my uncle told me she is in China for two weeks.

 

I know I am really strange but this is how weird I am.

 

I hope you guys dont think I am crazy.

 

BeyondtheSea, I DID read the article about Stockholm syndrome and I probably fit the bill. I am drawn to his abuse of me.

 

I dont plan on contacting him or talking to him in the near future, although I am VERY tempted. I will probably be going on vacation for a few days, sometime this month, to Chicago so I can visit a friend and go to Ren Faire. Hopefully, running into the ex is NOT going to send me into an emotional tailspin.

[Beyondthesea]

You 'want that' because you are so used to it hon. You expect that behavior, and no one is fitting the mold right now, so you're trying to get ahold of your mom to do it instead of T.

 

I don't think you're crazy, I think you've been through a VERY difficult past 13 years, and you need to find a new and better life, whether that be where you are or somewhere else. And I think you need to be more choosy about who you associate with. Being as kind as you are draws in a lot of negativity...interestingly.

 

Sadly I find that the truly kind at heart are the ones they are the most drawn to.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren - stay strong and don't.

 

I've had several friends like him in the past who were pushy, made fun of me to my face, "got on me" about certain things...but I can tell you from true life experience, I am soooo much stronger without those people. And now, when I see one of them, it's almost like our roles have reversed.

 

You're much better off and you will be stronger because of his absense. He did not kick your butt - you did so he wouldn't ride you about it anymore. You can do it without him too!

[CluelessGuy321]

Wow. You REALLY DO love ren fair xD.

 

I think you should break contact for a good long while. At least a year for you to break this person in your mind. Meet some new people. People who never knew you or your ex and what all.

 

It's a big wide world.