Should we separate sex and relationship?

[basnik0]

When we choose a bf/gf, we look at how attractive that person is.

We expect to have sex with that person (if we stay together) till the end of our lives.

No one likes if their SO goes and has sex with someone else.

 

Most people think that a relationship doesn't have anything to do with physical attraction, but is based on personality match and similar interests. If it has nothing to do with sex, why we all get so upset with the idea of our loved ones doing it with someone else?

 

Now, I don't understand: if a marriage/relationship is only about personality and common interest (and not about physical attraction or sex), why do we have to complicate it with sexual monogamy? Or with sex at all? Why don't we simply choose partners that are on the 'same wavelength' as we are (regardless of sexual attractiveness) and have sexual relationship with people that we are attracted to?

Why do we have to mix the two?

 

On the other hand, if relationships are about sex and attraction, why do we complicate things by trying to find someone with nice personality?

 

In other words, why don't we separate this two.

It seems to me that the fact that we (as a society) keep these two things together causes more problems than it solves.

 

I feel I'm missing something important that everyone else gets.

Can anyone help?

[Momene]

It is possible to find both sexual attraction and friendship in the same person, although it's not always easy. Maybe the difficult bit is sustaining it for tens of years.

[Goldfish6888]

I must admit sex with someone you love is way more amazing that sex for sex sake. I may be a woman, but it is entirely more satisfying. thereforeeee, i feel the ultimate is sex with someone you love. The other is a more selfish "in it" for your pleasure. And you find when you love someone, you don't want anyone else with them - you don't want to share them. Maybe you haven't been in love yet, but you sure want your love all to yourself. As momene says, its keeping that love alive, that is hard....but if you imagine a relationship as a plant.....if you don't water...it...it dies....same with sexual part of your relationship. You get, what you put into something. I would definitely aspire to having sex with someone I love and cannot rate it enough. Next time you're in love or true love anyway, you will find this out.

Happy hunting!

[annie24]

Most people think that a relationship doesn’t have anything to do with physical attraction, but is based on personality match and similar interests. If it has nothing to do with sex, why we all get so upset with the idea of our loved ones doing it with someone else?

 

who are these people? I wouldn't agree. I think that most people would say that sex is an important part of a committed relationship, in addition to common interests and goals.

[RayKay]

I am definitely NOT one of those whom say that physical attraction and sexual compatibilty should be separated from a relationship!

 

You can have both sexual chemistry and emotional compatibility and love. And be compatible in terms of interests, personality, and lifestyle.

 

To me, it's an important part of the whole package, and removing one piece, really destroys some of the solidity. And going to find it somewhere else is truly destroying what you have built together.

 

You can find someone with the "whole package" whom together completes the "whole relationship" from physical, to emotional, to spiritual to mental. Why settle? I sure didn't, and it worked out well for me!

[Dazzerg]

I think you need the sexual element in a relationship and its impossible to separate sex from a relationship in this way. The sexual element is in many ways the dividing line between a close friendship and a romantic relationship.

 

If you dont want to sleep with the person you are with then you are pretty much left with a close friend i think. I think there is nothing wrong with saying looks and sexual chemistry matter - it's not shallowness at all, shallowness is making *everything* about that but recognising you need that spark is not shallow.

[nottoogreen]

Hi basnik,

 

Here is the last paragraph of a tale telling of a guy getting attracted to a girl without having ever seen her. The full text is linked.

 

But the magnitude of the attraction is roughly equal to an above-average physical attraction. I'd really like to meet her in person to her hear speak and observe her mannerisms. Obviously, I want to see what she looks like. But the one on one context has been established and I'm curious to see the rest of that context.

From: link removed

[Considerate Empath]

This may be off topic, but I just thought of something interesting when I read this thread, which is this:

 

It is just how love seem to have the ability to trigger all of the 7 deadly sins and all of the 7 virtues. Shows how powerful love really is, eh?

 

Just a thought

 

 

//C.E.

[justpaisley]

Most people think that a relationship doesn't have anything to do with physical attraction, but is based on personality match and similar interests.

 

Um, bollocks. Physical attraction is just one piece of the pie of relationships. If any piece of the pie is missing, the rest of the pie is incomplete and will completely fall apart. I think what you mean is that most people prefer someone with a good personality to someone with smokin' good looks. I'm lucky to be married to someone with both.

 

If it has nothing to do with sex, why we all get so upset with the idea of our loved ones doing it with someone else?

 

Sex with one person is a symbol of commitment. If my husband were to have sex with someone else, the only contact he would have with me in the future would be my foot on his you-know-what, on his way out the door. Sex is an expression of love... you can't have sex with one person while being in love with another. Period.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that people want to find a partner that has everything, great sexual chemistry, attractive, great personality or pretty much anything else they are looking for. That is not going to be the case with most relationships. Each person you date is going to present certain qualities to you that you may like or dislike, relationships arent always about getting what you want.

[canonman]

Here's an interesting article recently in my local newspaper concerning teenagers who are "friends with benefits". It is getting pretty common that these young people are hooking up without any emotional attachment or cost. I asked this question recently on another post, I still find it difficult to believe. I have been told that most can't keep having sex casually and not eventually get emotionally involved or hurt.

 

link removed

[itsallgrand]

I suppose some people do try to separate sex and long-term relationship.

Look at some marriages! Some marriages are like business deals.

 

I'm imagining it now. I'd have a gay hubby, and a boy toy on the side (ok, maybe several lovers!). LOL.

 

Seriously though, the reason most folks go for the total package (or at least try to get it) is bc anything else is settling!

 

It would be complicated, not any easier, and make parts of life boring that don't need to be.