I don't sleep with my husband anymore...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Is this a sign of something?

 

I don't mean sex. I mean, literally. I choose not to sleep in the same bed.

 

Most often my reasoning is because I like to stay awake later and fall asleep to the TV and he doesn't. We do have a TV in the bedroom, but he can't fall asleep if it's on. I can't fall asleep if it's not.

 

Am I making excuses for something bigger? I really don't know but think I may be or I wouldn't be asking.

 

I know I just severely HATE my life right now and everything about me is uncomfotable.

 

Ya know that fight or flight thing? I'm a flee-er. I wanna run. I just think I'd be doing everyone a favor if I were gone.

 

Sorta looking at it like, MAN, if my mom would've left when she couldn't handle it anymore, we'd all prolly be in a much better place!

 

Anyway.....any ideas? ](*,)

[RayKay]

It might be.

 

For me, that sleeping is part of the intimacy I think. Not sleeping in the same bed (but still being in same house ie not on a business trip) to me is almost a betrayal of that. Hard to explain, but I get great joy out of falling asleep with him at night, and waking up next to him in the morning. Even with the inconveniences of it (ie I get up at 5 to go workout while he remains in bed, but still is woken up of course by alarm!)

 

I know of couples whom sleep apart though due to crazy snoring, or thrashing around in sleep - to point not even a "space foam" bed would do trick . Or due to one of them having an illness that makes them more sensitive to movement, or has them up a lot of the night. However, those were mutual decisions made for bigger reasons.

 

I think choosing not to sleep in the same bed is a sign of something bigger though, especially in conjunction with these other feelings you are having.

[eyeswideopen]

Here's a couple of different angles to see this situation from:

 

Husband and wife sleeping in the same bed is dependent on culture. Some cultures, they will sleep in different beds, if not different rooms.

 

You may be head over heels in love with each other but have different sleep routines/habits that just aren't compatible.. it's not that big a deal if they aren't because there's so many more important things to be compatible with.

 

That's all I got time for now.. good luck.

[Beyondthesea]

I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't sleep in the same bed as me.

[pepper]

I felt just like this a few years back, i was in a long term relationship, my partner and i had 3 small kids, we never went out, didn't sleep in the same bed, my kids drove me mad all day long, my partner was like having a fourth, i was depressed and i didn't like myself very much...

 

I often thought of just packing up and leaving, and that's exactly what i did. (i took my kids with me) i have to say it was the best thing i ever done and i hate to think of what i would be like now if i hadn't.

 

Once i was on my own i had time to look at myself and how my life was going, i think subconsiously i blamed my partner for all the bad things in my life and once i was on my own i didn't have anyone to blame anymore, this was a huge wake up call...

 

Have you spoke to your partner about the way you are feeling? Do you want your relationship to work? is there anywhere you can go for a couple of weeks of 'me time'?

[nottoogreen]

For me, that sleeping is part of the intimacy I think. Not sleeping in the same bed (but still being in same house ie not on a business trip) to me is almost a betrayal of that.

I strongly agree with RayKay and my gf - who is already asleep, somewhat - and expects me to join her shortly.

 

Ta_ree_saw, the first thing I like to suggest is to get rid of that TV. It's useless.

 

The second thing, you can't sleep, making love will help a lot.

 

Why not?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yep - this is it. Even the 3 little ones. 'Cept when I think of leaving, I'd rather take him with than the kids.

 

I KNOW that makes me a horrible, evil maggott of a mother, but I can't handle it.

 

I want to leave them all. They'd be much better off being raised by him.

[Dako]

My roomies are married and slept in separate beds. I took his room when I moved in, so he made the supreme sacrifice and slept with his wife after I found him some good earplugs for her snoring. They seem happier than before.

 

My ex was often pushing me from the bed right before she dumped me, and also started being hypercritical. I attributed it to a health issue she had. Silly me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

My roomies are married and slept in separate beds. I took his room when I moved in, so he made the supreme sacrifice and slept with his wife after I found him some good earplugs for her snoring. They seem happier than before.

 

My ex was often pushing me from the bed right before she dumped me, and also strated being hypercritical. I attributed it to a health issue she had. Silly me.

 

 

hmmmmmmm......so you're saying ??

 

 

get ear plugs?? Or dump him?

[vesper]

OMG Tee ree Saw NOT YOU !!!!

 

I always got a sense from your posts that you are supper happy with your man?!??!

 

](*,)

 

we are all dropping like flies...AHHHHHHHH

 

 

[pepper]

Yep - this is it. Even the 3 little ones. 'Cept when I think of leaving, I'd rather take him with than the kids.

 

I KNOW that makes me a horrible, evil maggott of a mother, but I can't handle it.

 

I want to leave them all. They'd be much better off being raised by him.

 

Doesnt make you evil at all, kids have a knack of taking you to your limit, but i think youd miss them if you left, and im sure they would miss you.

 

We all need a break at times, after splitting up with my partner he agreed to take the kids on school holidays and im not kidding ya, i look forward to school holidays more than anything else just for the break, its not that i dont love them (i do, very much) but i need my 'me time' everybody does.

 

Do you not have family that could take them for the odd weekend? or maybe your partner could take them out now and then giving you the house to yourself for a few hours?

[pepper]

 

I always got a sense from your posts that you are supper happy with your man?!??!

 

I think its hard, maybe even impossible to be happy with anyone if your not happy with yourself.

[Dako]

Just observations from my world.

 

IIRC having your spouse near you is sometimes comforting, but I never had rugrats. Must be a different scene.

[vesper]

I don't think there is anyting wrong with not sleeping with him. Me and my husband have our own rooms in the house now. My grandmother and my grandfather had their own rooms I remember when I was a kid.

 

Hey, we are human.....

 

 

we need our own space to feel alive sometimes. If you feel dead, you cannot give back in a relationship.

 

 

Try it out for a while, maybe it will rejuvinate you!?!!

 

*I do think it is a little silly that we have our own rooms now, but I don't know what else to do. except this..............

[CarnelianButterfly]

My Mom stopped sleeping in the same bed as my Dad because he snores like a band saw and moves around a lot. He had a surgery on his nose and palette, but he's even louder. You can be on the other side of the house with the door closed and still hear him. My Mom also has back problems and if she gets jostled while she's trying to sleep it causes her pain. She sleeps in a different room with the door closed to avoid the snores, but still has back pain, but to a lesser degree.

 

Sleep is a very important part of our health, not enough or poor quality can drastically effect your mood. If you have trouble sharing a bed, but still have a great relationship otherwise its not that serious of an issue. I think for the good of both of individuals should be weighed and not just whether they fall into some cultural ideal.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I think its hard, maybe even impossible to be happy with anyone if your not happy with yourself.

 

 

yeh - i think that's it.

 

I AM happy with my husband. He really is THEE guy. A sir among knights.

 

A saint to put up with me as long as he has....

 

I think it's just as Pepper said. I'm just overall NOT happy. I just want out before I destroy my children for good or damage the relationship with my husband irrepairably...

[vesper]

and my grandmother had 5 KIDS!!!!!!

 

they kind of had their own life. My grandfather was always out, he was also the architect of our house so he was always building and tending to the garden. My grandmother was always watering the roses in the garden. It was the most beautiful garden I have ever seen in my life. Cherry Trees..

 

Pine trees, rows of rose bushes in every differfent color that roses come in....white, pink, magenta, yellow, red,

 

there where honeysuckle vines and sunflowers....

 

English Ivy along the tall stone walls around the garden and a

 

beautiful reflecting pool in the middle painted turquoise...

 

bordered in every rock - slate, tiger-eye, travertine,

 

so in the summer the stones would warm up and you could lay on them and then go for a swim....

 

I think that the garden was a symbol of their love, they both tended to it and made it paradise on earth....

 

 

a little garden of eden on earth.

[cmd]

My wife chose to stop sleeping with me a couple of years ago. Her reasoning was that she simply could not get a good night's sleep. I snore (so does she by the way). The thing to keep in mind is that she has never slept well in her life, so it is not really me that is the problem. She is very susceptible to noise and vibration. She has been sleeping with ear plugs recently, and she says that has helped. I do not deny that I have been feeling less and less close to her as a result of not sleeping with her. She has agreed to sleep together a little here and there. I do enjoy snuggling with her and seeing her beside me in the morning. The point is she is willing to compromise with me. See if your guy can compromise and allow you to watch TV maybe a couple evenings a week.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thanks cmd. I think you're right. Compromise is key.

 

He has told me how bad it makes him feel so I've been trying to go up there more often.

 

Sometimes I'll wait til he's already asleep and then turn the bedroom tv on quietly. That way we're both getting a bit of what we want....

[chigal28]

It seems to me (maybe?) like part of the reason that you need to stay up late and watch TV is because that's the only time you get some true ME time, time to yourself. Maybe your desire not to sleep by him right now is your subconscious' way of saying "hey, Ta_Ree_Saw, you NEED to get away for a while." Maybe you need a week away, just by yourself? And I would definitely seek help about feeling so very unhappy....that's bound to affect everything else.

 

As for sleeping in separate beds....my bf and I do that much of the time, because he snores like crazy, but we do like to cuddle until it's time to "relocate." And my dad goes to bed early (like 10-10:30ish), while my mom, a night owl, stays up and watches TV till like midnight or 12:30, then slips in and falls asleep next to my dad. She has to get tired enough to fall asleep through HIS snoring....hehe.

 

BTW, I asked my parents once what the key to their successful (going on 30 years) marriage is, and they said "separate TVs." Who knew it was so simple?! My mom watches the SciFi Channel and HGTV in the living room, and my dad watches the History Channel, Drew Carey and Seinfeld in the basement. Sometimes they watch movies together...and I've still caught them holding hands.

[Daddy Bear]

hey T-Money... don't feel bad about an alternative sleeping arrangement. between both of us snoring (hers was so loud that i literally saw stars under my closed eyelids) and our understanding that i needed the tv ON and she needed pitch black and STHU, i spent about five or ten full nights in bed in twenty years. neither of us had any problem with it. tell your hubby he should not take it personally.

 

sounds like the two of you could use a romantic getaway sans ankle biters, though... Wisconsin Dells, maybe? hmmm?

[AwdreeHpburn]

hey T-Money... don't feel bad about an alternative sleeping arrangement. between both of us snoring (hers was so loud that i literally saw stars under my closed eyelids) and our understanding that i needed the tv ON and she needed pitch black and STHU, i spent about five or ten full nights in bed in twenty years. neither of us had any problem with it. tell your hubby he should not take it personally.

 

sounds like the two of you could use a romantic getaway sans ankle biters, though... Wisconsin Dells, maybe? hmmm?

 

 

yes! we do. in fact we're taking a mini-trip to New York in August withOUT the chil'ren... I'm soooooo excited.

 

I do tell him it's not personal, but sometimes I don't believe that myself....

[vesper]

have fun tee! Get a massage, a seaweed wrap, a pedicure, anything to RELAX and ENJOY!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thanks Bondgirl - I do plan to live it up.

 

And Chigal - I have said that same thing! I do think staying awake into the wee hours of the morning IS the only me time I get. I don't even mind the lack of sleep sometimes. Although I'm sure that just perpetuates the intensity of the kids getting on my nerves....UGH!

 

Like Dako once said, "my life is a train wreck!"

[nottoogreen]

I don't even mind the lack of sleep sometimes. Although I'm sure that just perpetuates the intensity of the kids getting on my nerves"

Sleep deprivation makes manic.

 

The kids nerve you, you nerve the kids.

 

Over time, you get a train wreck.

 

I also have the habit to sleep late, I am changing this slowly. You could sleep early and have "high quality me time" in the early morning instead when you are fresh.