What is good etiquette for friends with benefits?Why?

[Imperceptible]

A guy I've been seeing asked me to be his friend with benefits 2 weeks ago. I told him I would think about and I would talk to him about it later. He asked me if I had come to a decision today.

He said he's not ready for a relationship because of his job. His job keeps him busy. I want to be friends with benefits but I don't want to get hurt and I don't know the rules for friends with benefits. ](*,)

Before I make a decision I have questions.

 

Are males/females attracted to friends or are they just horny and want to get it on?

 

Why do males/females want to keep a friendship with a sex partner if things can get sticky later?

 

Are the 2 friends exclusive until one gets in a relationship with someone else?

 

Is there any change in the friendship? Is the friendship different after friends have sex? How different?

 

Why do people want to do this? I need a reason to do it. I have plenty of reasons for why it's not a good idea. I've read earlier posts.

[itsallgrand]

ooo. I can tell of my own personal experiences ifn you like. The 'rules' are whatever you and him decide. It's up to each situation.

 

Quick Q: Why do you want to do it? Why have you been thinking about it as a possibility?

 

Know thyself, and go from there. Think about it some more - these situations are often sticky/someone gets hurt.

[AwdreeHpburn]

All good questions to pose to the "gentleman" who offered this wonderful arrangement.

 

Ask him what he expects, wants and how HE defines it. THEN, if the terms are to your liking, accept.

 

BUT always feel free to negotiate. Interject some of your own expectations and rules.

[Süsser Tod]

but I don't want to get hurt

 

Why do people want to do this? I need a reason to do it. I have plenty of reasons for why it's not a good idea.

 

Seriously, you know it won't work for you, and you know you are not ok with the idea. Don't come looking for a justification. If it is not fine for you, then don't do it.

 

You know, ina FWB relationship you'll only keep his hands from doing the job.

 

IMHO, he has two, so he can take of himself, so can you of yourself.

 

 

Oh, and whatever kind of friendship you have, it will certainly change. Even worse, if you are good friends, it will be like being in a true relationship, without any commitment at all, are you ok with that?

[lonestar_80]

Are males/females attracted to friends or are they just horny and want to get it on?

 

Both,but they don't want a relationship, attraction and having to do what it takes to mantain a true relationship are two diffrent things.

 

Why do males/females want to keep a friendship with a sex partner if things can get sticky later?

 

Selfish... wanting to have the cake and eat it too. I think the arrangement only works for two heartless/emotionless people that only want sex. Think of Samantha from Sex in the City.

 

Are the 2 friends exclusive until one gets in a relationship with someone else

?

 

No. You may not be the only person he has benifits with. Or if you are he my dump your arangment for a time when he wants to start a relationship with another girl.

 

Is there any change in the friendship? Is the friendship different after friends have sex? How different?

 

If you have feelings for him it will change. One person will feel like they gave the most precious gift they have and they will want something more. But the other person feels like wow just another lay. You may get mad if you see him flirting with other girls or even dating other girls but you really can't get mad b/c your not his girlfriend.

 

Why do people want to do this? I need a reason to do it. I have plenty of reasons for why it's not a good idea. I've read earlier posts.

 

The integrity and character of people today has gone to an all time LOW. People are all about pleasing themselves without caring how their actions affect other people. It really is a selfish, and loveless arrangment. Don't sell yourself short.

Sex involves soul ties in the biblical sense. When you have sex with someone and they don't care a flying flip about you other than your body, it can be very painful.

 

I would talk to your friend and decline the offer. Just by the way you posted lets us know that you have reservations about this arrangement. The sad face tells it all. Don't let him pressure or sweet talk you into doing anything that you don't want to do.

[hosswhispra]

FWB = no win situation (in my opinion)

[lonestar_80]

I don't have feelings for him. But if I take him up on his offer I fear I will get feelings for him.

I want to do it because I miss being close to someone. It's not only about sex for me. A dog or cat can't give me the intimacy that I want from a humanbeing.

 

Sex is a tricky thing. It makes you feel close to the person you are having sex with. When I first meet my ex,I had no feelings for him. I thought he was fat and ugly, and I did not give him a second glance. I would never date someone like him. But I talked to him b/c he had a "good personality". Once we started having sex I was sprung! I started to think he was cute instead of ugly. I thought he was chubby instead of fat. Girl, sex makes you change your mind about things. Now I regret ever talking to him or ever going out with him.

 

Oh honey you are just like me. I dated a guy who said we were in a committed relationship...but based on his actions we really were not. I had not been in a sexual relationship by choice for over 2 years. I missed being with someone and cuddling with someone. So, I compromised all that I had worked ( 2yrs. celibate) for to be with him. It was not worth it, in the end you go away feeling disrespected and used.

 

It is not worth it, if you want to keep the friendship if it does not work out.

[Imperceptible]

Seriously, you know it won't work for you, and you know you are not ok with the idea. Don't come looking for a justification. If it is not fine for you, then don't do it.

 

You know, ina FWB relationship you'll only keep his hands from doing the job.

 

IMHO, he has two, so he can take of himself, so can you of yourself.

 

 

Oh, and whatever kind of friendship you have, it will certainly change. Even worse, if you are good friends, it will be like being in a true relationship, without any commitment at all, are you ok with that?

 

I don't have feelings for him. But if I take him up on his offer I fear I will get feelings for him.

I want to do it because I want to be close to someone. It's not only about sex for me. A dog or cat can't give me the intimacy that I want from a humanbeing.

[Imperceptible]

Thanks Lonestar.Your answers made me think about how selfish and lazy this guy is and how he doesn't really care about me. I will tell him no. I know he'll stop being my friend after I reject him. But I don't think he cared enough about me as a friend in the beginning to suggest this arrangement. I guess he thought I wouldn't care.

[RayKay]

Why do you want to be friends with benefits?

 

Is it because you hope it will turn into more (very very little chance of that happening)?

 

Is it because you want to relieve that "tension" (a vibrator is a better choice!)?

 

Look, I love sex. But it is intimate. And by having sex you are also exposing yourself to sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy (with a guy whom can't even commit to a relationship, never mind a child!). If you are going to take those risks, shouldn't it be with someone you can trust to care for you?

 

While you may be sexually exclusive....there is no guarantee really. There is no commitment not to date, and look for other people.

 

Bottom line is - if he really wanted to be with you. He would be. I know some VERY busy people with crazy careers and lives whom can FIND time for those they want to be with. Don't let his lack of commitment have you make a decision that you are not 100% comfortable with and that can be very painful in the end.

[marolua]

Has the sex been good so far? And more importantly do you think you can have the closeness that you are longing for with a man that is not willing to hold you or cuddle after sex?

 

I would say that you might give it a try, but I also want to remind you of the possibility that being close- but not really close might be a constant reminder of how you are not ACTUALLY close with someone.

 

The reasons that I can think of are,

 

1. There is an avarage amount of good sex

2. You want to be experienced in sex and you'd rather do this with a single partner than with multiple partners.

3. You want to see if you can manage a relationship based on pure sex..

 

You just need to make sure that you Really want to do this, so that it is not him exploiting you but you two sharing some kind of agreement!

 

Sex is both the best thing and the worst thing that can happen to you! You gotta be careful!

[Imperceptible]

Now I'm more convinced to reject him. I was hoping the companionship and intimacy would outweigh the hurt in the long run. But based on everyone's posts if I went through with the arrangement I'm going to get hurt regardless of what happens.

[Batya33]

Basically there are no rules other than you have to tell yourself that it's just sex and you won't get emotionally attached to the point that it will hurt. Also add "with you" to the end of his claims that "I don't have time for a relationship" because chances are that when he meets a woman who he wants to treat as a true friend, lover and lady - with respect - he will all of a sudden "want" a relationship and you will just be the woman he had sex with while he was waiting to meet the one.

 

I remember being on a first date several years ago and the man told me that he had been having casual sex once a week with some woman and it just wasn't right for him anymore. That statement didn't turn me on (the opposite - I didn't want to be with someone who was that ok with casual sex that he would mention it on a first date) but it should give you pause as to the role you may play in your "friend's" life.

[Imperceptible]

Now his offer makes me feel terrible. I know I don't have feelings for him but I feel like a backdoor h**ker because he probably thinks I'm a better lay than a better friend.

[lonestar_80]

.

Thanks Lonestar.Your answers made me think about how selfish and lazy this guy is and how he doesn't really care about me. I will tell him no. I know he'll stop being my friend after I reject him. But I don't think he cared enough about me as a friend in the beginning to suggest this arrangement. I guess he thought I wouldn't care.

 

If he would stop being your friend just b/c you don't want to sleep with him, means that he never really was your friend in the first place. I think today we place the name "friend" too loosely on people. With friends like him who needs enemies.

 

I think you are making the right decision. You sound like a person that is too caring to be in such a loveless relationship like that. You sound like a good woman who deserves to be with a guy that will cherish you and worship the ground you walk on. I know there are a lot of creeps out there, but I have faith that there are still some good men left.

[Süsser Tod]

I don't have feelings for him. But if I take him up on his offer I fear I will get feelings for him.

I want to do it because I want to be close to someone. It's not only about sex for me. A dog or cat can't give me the intimacy that I want from a humanbeing.

 

HUH???

 

RE-READ what you just typed. You want intimacy? Well, hate to break it on you, but the whole point of a FWB is not to have any intimacy/attachment/compromise.

 

You just get at it, finish, say goodbye. You'll have as much intimacy with this guy as the intimacy he has with the disposable tissue he'll use to clean himself after masturbating. In fact, you'll have the same value to him as said disposable tissue.

 

 

So let me try to understand, you want to get intimacy from that?

 

 

 

Make no mistake, the beauty of sex within a loving relationship is the intimacy, not the other way.

[Süsser Tod]

Now I'm more convinced to reject him. I was hoping the companionship and intimacy would outweigh the hurt in the long run. But based on everyone's posts if I went through with the arrangement I'm going to get hurt regardless of what happens.

 

 

Why do you girls think that by having sex you'll get intimacy? In fact, quite the contrary, being an easy lay will give you anything but intimacy, it is the absolute WORSE way to get a man.

 

You want a man to use you? Well, let him have sex without compromises with you, then you'll be nothing but an object to him.

[Süsser Tod]

Now his offer makes me feel terrible. I know I don't have feelings for him but I feel like a backdoor h**ker because he probably thinks I'm a better lay than a better friend.

 

Why do you feel terrible???

 

Haven't you realized he is the one that should be ashamed of himself?

 

Standing up for your dignity is worth a lot, a lot more than what can be said about a man that thinks like that about a woman.

[itsallgrand]

I don't have feelings for him. But if I take him up on his offer I fear I will get feelings for him.

I want to do it because I want to be close to someone. It's not only about sex for me. A dog or cat can't give me the intimacy that I want from a humanbeing.

 

Definetly do NOT go through with this. Don't feel bad. It's not wrong or bad to want intimacy. Simply realize this situation will not give you what you need.

 

FWB is about meaningless sex and convience. That's all. Not wrong, not right, simply not what YOU are looking for.

[Imperceptible]

Why do you girls think that by having sex you'll get intimacy? In fact, quite the contrary, being an easy lay will give you anything but intimacy, it is the absolute WORSE way to get a man.

 

You want a man to use you? Well, let him have sex without compromises with you, then you'll be nothing but an object to him.

 

For some people being single is the worst thing since the atomic bomb. I'm bombarded with images of people in love everyday. I don't have it and I want it. Even an illusion of love and intimacy is better than nothing. I was hoping I could trick myself into believing I had intimacy for a few moments a week.

Think escapism.

But I guess that's only successful if i could separate the illusion from reality. I admit FWB is bad. But it's a temporary fix for someone who has never been in love.

 

I don't believe I'll be happy with something temporary and with accepting scraps of his time, attention, and emotion. So I guess I have to hold out for something with substance if it's out there.

[lonestar_80]

Why do you girls think that by having sex you'll get intimacy? In fact, quite the contrary, being an easy lay will give you anything but intimacy, it is the absolute WORSE way to get a man.

 

 

You want a man to use you? Well, let him have sex without compromises with you, then you'll be nothing but an object to him.

 

Susser Tod,

 

The guy I was with lied to me. He acted like he wanted a relationship and we started one. He fooled me with all of his sweet talk( He called every day) dates, dinners, and talking about the future. Telling me that he wanted me to be the mother of his children. Asking me if I though he would make a good husband. He did this for about a month, then I gave in like an idiot. Like an idiot I dated him for four more months. I really thought we were building something. I did not get to see him that much b/c he worked two jobs, and was taking care of a sick family member (which is all true, I checked it out). I thought it all added up. But he still played me.

 

How long should you wait? Now I just won't sleep with men at all.

[annie24]

Of all my friends I have ever seen, the ones that seem to manage "friends with benefits" the best (ie, not get hurt!) are the ones who are like Samantha on "Sex and the city" (as said previously by lonestar).

 

Some others (including me before), thought they could be ok with fooling around without any strings, but found that wasn't the case when he met someone new, or just suddenly lost interest....

 

If you have any doubts at all, that is a good sign that you should not move forward with this. you know yourself best, if you think you may get emotionally attached, then don't go down this path.

 

plenty of men will want to have sex with you, and have a relationship with you!

[nottoogreen]

Now his offer makes me feel terrible. I know I don't have feelings for him but I feel like a backdoor h**ker because he probably thinks I'm a better lay than a better friend.

 

... I don't believe I'll be happy with something temporary and with accepting scraps of his time, attention, and emotion. So I guess I have to hold out for something with substance if it's out there.

 

You got your answer.

 

But the negotiations hurt you and likely hurt your friendship too.

 

Strongly suggest to everyone to gently turn away offers of FWB, and not to hold it against the offerer, and to not ever enter negotiations.

[Süsser Tod]

I think you are missing the point. What I meant, sex is not going to get you a boyfriend. Build a relationship, and if everything looks fine, then have sex.

 

What some girls seem to think "If I have sex with him, he'll fall in love with me", when this is what the guy is thinking "Oooh, sex without compromises, I can hit it, no need to hold her/cudle after it so then I can go out with my friends for a beer, and she'll be there when I need more".

 

 

No, waiting is not going to guarantee you a good relationship, but it does increase the chances of the relationship working and of you not becoming a sex object.

[Day_Walker]

just from your post you seem like you arent able to handle fwb. If you dont want to get hurt then the best thing is not to get involved and find a guy to be in a relationship with.