Am I Cheating???

[VIRGOBLAZE]

Okay, first some backgound. Tim and I have known eachothe since 8th gade. We tied to date a couple times in high school and once when we wee 20, but it never worked out, however, we always remained good friends. My boyfriend Jay and I have been together off and on for years. We have two gorgeous daughters together. We were separated for two years, but I moved back in in November because he needed my help with our girls (I've been in school so we shared custody and they lived with him). We were living as roommates until April when he decided he wanted me back and worked very hard to win me.

 

About a month or so ago, Tim and I reconnected through MySpace (Jay and I moved to Wisconsin from Connecticut three years ago, and Tim and I losr contact). Lately, we've been talking alot and while originally it was the typically joke-flirting we've always done for the past twelve years. However, we've more recently become more serious. When Jay went camping with the girls this weekend, Tim and I spent A LOT of time chatting: 3 hours Saturday afternoon, 5 hours Saturday night, and 4 hours Sunday. We talked until the sun rose Saturday night and slept with our cams on, so if we woke up, we could see the other one, kind of to see like what it would be like to wake up together.

 

It's obvious to both of us that we are developing feelings for eachother. He talks about kissing me and how much it sucks that we live 1200 miles away from eachother. I really miss him too. And the thing is, even though we can't go too far, it's almost like can't help it. To this day, even after being apart for so long, we still know eachother better than most.

 

i should mention that though Jay worked hard to get me back, the trying has stopped. We barely have sex because he says "I just haven't been that attracted to you lately." We bicker quite often, and its getting so I dread him coming home because I can't cam with Tim, though we can chat. It's sort of pathetic I know, but I really can't help it. Jay has been putting me down recently about the messy state of our house, but no matter how hard I try it never seems good enough. Instead of noticing a room I cleaned, he'll notice a pile of laundry I didn't do, and things like that. I'm feeling neglected because he isnt showing me the affection I need, whereas Tim is always sure to call me beautiful no matter how crappy I look and he compliments me often. Most would say it's easier because its an online thing, but he's always been that way.

 

So my question is, am I cheating on Jay with Tim because I have feelings for him? I must admit I'm beginning to think about him more and more each day and how good we'd be together if I lived in Connecticut with him (my whole family lives there too). I've also begun fantasizing sometimes too. I don't know how to stop or even if I want to. I've known him for 12 years and could never really quit having a friendship with him. I wouldn't be able stand it. Help me!!!

 

-Jillian

 

(PS If some words don't look right, please know that my R buttonr is mad at me and doesnt like working all the time, lol.)

[annie24]

hi -

 

even though there is no physical cheating, this is definitely emotional cheating. talking to tim isn't helping heal your relationship with jay.

 

If jay were doing this (what you're doing with tim) to another woman, would you be angry? hurt? jealous? probably.

 

If I were you, I would do some thinking about if you want to stay in this relationship with your boyfriend. after all, you have kids together. if you decide not to stay, end it with your bf, and maybe see if you and tim can't make things work this time around...

 

good luck

[Rabican]

Ya I would say you are cheating.. Not physically, but emotionally for sure. You are web cam chatting, flirting etc. losing interest in your current man, for the idea of being with someone else. You really should be honest with your man (maybe not tell him you are doing this) but at least either end things with your man, or end things with the internet guy.

 

I think that things might be better at home, if you were focusing (mentally/ emotionally) on the other guy. Trust me, unless your man is a fool hes gonna pick up on some of this...

 

The whole sleeping with your cam thing was over the line in my opinion... how would you feel if he had done that with another girl ?

 

I think the basic rule of friendship with the opposite sex is this:

1. Friendship must be non sexual in nature.

2. Dont use that person as a shoulder to cry on, ie dont take your relationship problems to him. He will immediately want to 'comfort' you... you know where thats gonna go.

3. If you have a strong emotional, or sexual chemistry with the 'other' person... then you need to pick one guy or the other. Keeping them both only leads to trouble.

[CanadaGirl]

Oh, Virgo, please be really careful!

 

I was married to a man that I really loved, and was going through a terrible time when he was away working for weeks at a time. My mother-in-law had extensive psychological problems, and my husband wouldn't come home to help me with her. I felt like a prisoner in my own home (he moved her in "temporarily" and she was there for the rest of our years together). I ended up turning to my husband's cousin, to lend a sympathetic ear. That was all I wanted... a friend to listen to me. I figured that I was safe, my husband and I were the godparents of their daughter, he was family.

 

Then one night he had been drinking and kissed me after walking me home from a birthday party for our friend. He told me that he loved me, and wanted to be with me. I didn't know what to do, so I blew it off to drunken stupidity. He kept telling me, though. I finally had to tell him that I never wanted to speak to him again.

 

I never told my husband what happened, because I felt that only more pain would come of it. But the guilt of that secret has eaten away at me ever since. That has been something so hard to forgive myself for... I still haven't managed it. You posting this implies that you already feel guilty. Don't go further than you can live with... choose one way or another before something great becomes something sordid and ugly. Good luck.

[yeawutever]

Well you are emotionally cheating, but you wouldn't wanna process this into physically already b/c this is the basis of how most affairs start and by the time you realize you cross cheating zone it will be too late and you would end up with a label you made on yourself for a heck of a lifetime. Do be careful cuz by spending more time chatting with Tim, you aren't focusing on your b/f nor your daughthers. In a way you are escaping your problems, not facing them. It's time you need to have a real serious conversation with him (your b/f) about how the relation is and it's flaws, what is it lacking. If you see it'll lead to no where, end it with him before you end up doing your biggest mistake, which you'll regret forever.

[VIRGOBLAZE]

I really appreciate all the help. Now the hard question. I'm not happy in my current relationship and whether I was with someone else or not, my girls need me to be happy overall right? That will make me a better mom, won't it? I don't know who to choose. It seems like I'm gonna break someone no matter what I do, but I can't break myself right, meaning I have to do whats best for me? How do I choose the right path?

[helpme2]

the same problems you are having now are going to crop up in any relationship you have, unless you work through them now. You need to have a long serious honest conversation with your bf. You are not going to be happy hopping from guy to guy trying to find "the right one" and it's going to be traumatic on your girls.

[jojean]

I consider this cheating. You're doing all this without your current b/f knowing. This whole thing happened to me. So maybe I'm somewhat biased in my opinion to you. It's very disrespectful what you're doing right now. Whether you're thinking about your girls happiness or not. It isn't also a thing you want to teach your daughters right?

It's already a mess. You need to ask yourself. Do you want to make your relationship work? Every couple will go through a hard time in life. Not every relationship is perfect and can be constantly like a fairytail. You're filling your needs with this flirt instead of facing your problems first.

Typically grass is greener on the other side vision. Ofcourse it's attractive to talk to tim. That's because you haven't led a life with him yet. You think you know him know. What if you two were living together and all the excitement is gone?

Just think about it. If you don't love your current b/f anymore. Than you should be clear about it. It's very disrespectful and cowardly leading this on.

Eventhough it would hurt him. It will past. I think this situation where he's in right now, is worse than that.

[saltwatergirl]

You talked online til the sun cam up and slept with your cams on so you could see each other wake up??? What fantasy land are you living in? Where was your boyfriend during all this? In bed alone??

 

How can he show you the affection you need when you are spending all your spare time flirting and caming with some guy online? You might have a sex life again with your boyfriend if you weren't devoting time and attention to an online guy. And maybe if you got off the computer you could take care of the laundry and house so that he wouldn't need to point out to you the mess that is piling up. And by the way, the 5 hour blocks of time you spend online flirting and living it up with the guy behind the web cam---who's taking care of your daughters? Or for that matter, your boyfriend?? And you are complaining about YOUR needs not being met? God. Are you kidding me with this?

 

Then you ask: My girls need me to be happy, right? No, your girls need you to be a grown up. Not some love sick child who sleeps by the computer so the online guy can see her wake up on webcam, while daddy sleeps in the bed. You are outrageous.

 

Yes, I think you should break up with your boyfriend. He deserves better.

 

Salt

[novaseeker]

I really appreciate all the help. Now the hard question. I'm not happy in my current relationship and whether I was with someone else or not, my girls need me to be happy overall right? That will make me a better mom, won't it? I don't know who to choose. It seems like I'm gonna break someone no matter what I do, but I can't break myself right, meaning I have to do whats best for me? How do I choose the right path?

 

Be careful with this logic.

 

Generally what's best for children is stability and a sane environment. If you are in a relationship that is not making you happy, and this is having an impact on how you relate to your kids, the solution to that is to break off the unhappy relationship ... not necessarily start a new one. It's always a bad idea to be choosing between two relationships, because the one that you're not currently in generally wins these comparisons, for many reasons that are not necesarily indicative of whether the relationship would work out. And in terms of your kids, leaving one relationship, starting another immediately is pretty unstable and jarring for them. It would be made even worse if for some reason the other relationship didn't work out (as often happens).

 

So my recommendation, if you are interested in the impact on the kids, would be to evaluate your current relationship, and if you are not happy with it, then choose to leave it on its own merits, but not because the other relationship is available to you ... and also take it easy in terms of easing yourself into the other relationship, if you end up going that way, because anything like a sudden transition will not be good for the kids.