Looking for words of encouragement

[permasmile]

It is great to have this forum to read. I stop by almost daily and it does help. My gf of 4 years broke things off about a month ago and for the most part I have been ok. I think about it all the time. But the pain is not severe. I have not cried, nor have I had trouble eating and only mild sleep disturbances. I think this is because I know our relationship was not what I truly wanted and that although she is a great girl, she may not be "the one".

 

We have hung out a few times. We got along great with little akwardness. A few signs of affection but nothing out of hand. The last time we hung out (last Thursday), I went home thinking about how I felt as though I was ok not being with her. That night we hung out, and nothing she did set me off, but I didn't feel the same level of attraction. I saw her as a cool girl, but I was not all that physically attracted or emotionally tied to her. It felt good going home with this feeling.

 

I haven't spoken to her since. For whatever reason, this is bugging me. She typically would email, text or call about every 2-3 days. I think I am disturbed by the fact that she most likely feels the same way. I also am bothered by the thought of her with someone else (although not an intense as the beginning). I know she has some new friends, and although it is doubtful that she can magically meet someone to fill my spot so quickly, the thought of being replaced or rejected bugs me.

 

I also seem to be suffering from a loss of self-esteem. I am typically confident, but recently I am a little down on myself when it comes to how the opposite sex perceives me. I need to snap out of this.

 

I think at this point, I am missing having someone. Having that person you can speak to everyday and know how much you mean to them. For the time being, I am not comfortable being on my own. But I think I have slowly come to realize that she is not the girl I want to be with right now. I felt great Thursday through Saturday, but last night and today I have relapsed a bit.

 

Any comments or words of advice would be awesome.

 

Thanks all

[iceman85]

Just hang in there, thats all i can say. It seems to me that your feelings arent quite sorted out for her yet. You feel like you can get over her, yet you hate thinking of her with another guy. You miss her contact.

 

I know what you mean from that loss of self esteem. Its natural and it will come back, just stay confident in yourself and that just because your girlfriend broke up with you doesnt mean that your bad, ugly or undesirable. Its the opposite, why did you gf break up with you?

 

Its good to hear your doing alright with things, some days will be tougher than others for sure, just hang in there and if you really feel like she wasnt the one just try to go out and find someone else, but first of all heal yourself, try not to worry about her, go out and have some fun.

[InHiding]

It's perfectly natural to feel that way. I congratulate you on your progress! You're doing very well, considering your relationship was FOUR years! That's a long time.

 

I would suggest going out with your friends, maybe a night out. Somehow these always boost my self esteem because a little flirting will go a long way! But it sounds like your on the right track to me. A couple down days here and there are bound to happen.

 

Good luck!

[permasmile]

Its the opposite, why did you gf break up with you?

 

 

Things had turned somewhat sour. The passion had fizzled and the relationship had become somewhat dry. I believe this was both of our faults, as we didn't really work on the relationship (got lazy in a way). We both had felt a loss of romantic feelings so in a way, the breakup was mutual. She initiated it though, so I do have that feeling of rejection.

 

I suppose it is natural to feel the way I do. I just need to come to grips with the single life and move forward. It really seems to be the thoughts of the possibility of her finding someone else that toys with me. I suppose I have to focus on the fact that I wasn't entirely happy with her, so even if that does happen, it is for the best.

 

It is tough at times but I hope to grow from this.

[wishfulthinking]

After my boyfriend and I broke up, i think the hardest part was letting go of the fact that he was NO LONGER apart of my life anymore. Wen we break up with our significant other, we sumtimes become in denial of the fact that wen u break up, u cant just become friends and think everything is going to be ok. break ups are soo hard and its hard to imagine ur life without the person uve been with for 4 years. try not to dwell on her because if there is one thing that i regret, its that i spent so much time and energy thinking about him wen i could have been doing somthing more valuable with that energy....such as improving myself by working hard and keeping my mind off of it. I came to this realization just recently and we have been broken up for a year now. trust me....things will get better, somtimes being single can feel lonely, but sometimes you need to take this time too realise that its OK to be alone. The only way u will ever find "the one" is if you truly can say u are happy with being on your own. Learn from this experience, appreciate the fact that u were lucky enough to have had it, and be open to the fact that there ARE bigger and better things out there for u.

good luck

[permasmile]

Thanks for the responses. The rational part of me must come to grips with the fact I am missing the idea of having someone, as opposed to truly missing her. I don't want to make it sound as though she is not a great girl...she is, but I do know she isn't everything I am looking for.

 

It is tough when they do not contact you. My mind starts whirling about where they are if they are with another guy etc, but ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. We are no longer together, and we both must move on.

[Orlander]

permasmile, I went through pretty much exactly what you are going through too: 4 year relationship, magic was gone, I didnt feel like she was the one for me...

 

It was tough moving on. It's been several months of NC and I am sooooo glad I am not talking to her. It has really helped me refocus. There is a natural, physical bond that forms when in a relationship. It's impossible to just breakup and not have it affect your life in some way. It just takes time for you to naturally adjust and break the connection.

 

My advice would be to do NC. Spend this time getting to know you again and focus on your strengths and what you really want out of a relationship.

 

Good luck and keep posting. That is what we are here for.

 

 

Orlander

[andrew05151]

Thanks for the responses. The rational part of me must come to grips with the fact I am missing the idea of having someone, as opposed to truly missing her. I don't want to make it sound as though she is not a great girl...she is, but I do know she isn't everything I am looking for.

 

It is tough when they do not contact you. My mind starts whirling about where they are if they are with another guy etc, but ultimately I guess it doesn't matter. We are no longer together, and we both must move on.

 

I can relate to that completely. It's not so much the girl, per se...as it is the comfort and safe feeling that we got from them...from having someone to hold, and to hug...

 

But, we can get that from another girl, too. The problem is...how do we find one?

 

I won't go to a bar to pick up a girl..they're immature there. They're partiers, they just want to drink and have sex....

 

And me, I'm all for sex but...I'm happiest when we're just laying together in bed watching TV together. Or, when we go out to get dinner, or cook it ourselves, together. I hate that party lifestyle...and it's not trustworthy.

 

Long term relationship...it was so wonderful...so safe.

 

I wouldn't know how hard it is when they contact you, though...mine doesn't seem to care enough about me to do so. Killing that piece of your mind that continuously has hope...that sees her running back into your arms, realizing she made a mistake...it's immortal.

 

I come home, sit at my computer...log into windows and my heart starts racing. Am I going to have a message on my away message from her? Then....nope. And my heart sinks. My cell phone rings...and my heart starts pumping again...is it her? ....nope.

 

I can't imagine the pain of when she DOES contact...the hope must grow tremendously....and only to be let down.

[permasmile]

permasmile, I went through pretty much exactly what you are going through too: 4 year relationship, magic was gone, I didnt feel like she was the one for me...

 

It was tough moving on. It's been several months of NC and I am sooooo glad I am not talking to her. It has really helped me refocus. There is a natural, physical bond that forms when in a relationship. It's impossible to just breakup and not have it affect your life in some way. It just takes time for you to naturally adjust and break the connection.

 

My advice would be to do NC. Spend this time getting to know you again and focus on your strengths and what you really want out of a relationship.

 

Good luck and keep posting. That is what we are here for.

 

 

Orlander

 

Thanks for the kinds words. There is a part of me that wants to do NC, but of course the side of me that hopes we get back together thinks I should continue to hang out with her. It is so tough to let go after having her in my life for so long.

 

Last night was really tough on me. I saw her out at a bar, and we chatted it up for a bit. She was in good spirits and this time I was attracted to her. That whole night I thought about what I have lost and I had an awful sleep.

 

This is a struggle. One day I fell one way, the next day my thoughts change.

[iceman85]

Perma it is really tough, but even though it seems so wrong to do, I think that sometimes its best to let them go. They need to realize things on their own and theres nothing we can do to get them to that point.