i am always the affair

[fireflower]

hello, world, nice to meet you

short story - i am the misfit. i have a long term relationship with a man who adores me, but never sees me as i am. he makes me feel so lonely. this is a relationship that will end soon.

i seem to be the perfect mold of the eternal affair type woman. whenever i meet someone, they either end up as being best buddies or just another affair.

i met this incredible guy, we read the same kafka books, viewed the world with the same blue eyes and dreamed of love with the same high hopes. still, he only wants me to be his crazy moment in life.

always had a crush on my office collague, and felt he did to. we ended up spending sleeping together as we went off a business trip. it was truly perfect. now he pretends we never did have that. and so do i. i just wish i could forget too, as he seems to.

i can't figure out where the catch is. bottom line is that even though i can say i am beautiful, smart, educated, outgoing...i am so alone in the end.

[Scout]

When you say "always the affair," do you mean you're often in relationships with men who are married or otherwise attached? Sorry, I'm a little confused.

[SeaBisquit]

maybe you come accross as being more of a buddy than a gf. try to set some boundries and see what happens and make yourself less available.

[AwdreeHpburn]

fireflower - welcome to ena.

 

i'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

 

i have no idea how old you are so i hesitate to say, "oh, you're young. live it up now. you'll find "the one" in time."

 

But really, no matter your age, don't be so hard on yourself. The time WILL come for you.

[fireflower]

 

i am 26

i always seem to end up as the hideaway / crazy times of men

i cannot pretent to be someone i do not resemble. i do not wish to play the role of "femme fatale" just to make them curios. this doesn't necessarily means i am out in the open. it's just i smile alot. i guess that makes me the buddy type

[yeawutever]

You can date around whenever you want to, but first you would have to break up with your current b/f, it wouldn't be fair for him. Don't worry, time will say when you're settle for a relation. Say, why not look for just friend and dating and not get so into romance??

[Scout]

i always seem to end up as the hideaway / crazy times of men

 

Fireflower, I'm awfully sorry...I'm still needing a bit of clarification here. When you say "hideaway" do you mean the other woman for guys who are married or have a girlfriend?

 

The reason I want to know is, if this is the case, I can give you more informed feedback. Please be a little more clear, thanks.

[fireflower]

yes, this is the definition of hideaway in my case, at least most of the times

[yeawutever]

yes, this is the definition of hideaway in my case, at least most of the times

 

Why not, try dating single guys?? Why go for those who are already in commited relations??

[theantibarbie23]

If you want more from a relationship than what you have now, stop responding to the advances of men that are not available to you. Being an affair partner very rarely progresses into something both long term AND emotionally healthy. I don't know you so I don't know why you are caught up in this cycle but it's probably a good idea to look deep down and figure out why you continue to find yourself in the same type of unfufilling relationships.

[lonestar_80]

yes, this is the definition of hideaway in my case, at least most of the times

 

What more can you expect? You have to set standards for yourself. If a guy already has a woman in his life then you should not even attempt to try to date him.

 

I know some women date unavailable men because they have issues with their fathers, or issues about their self esteem.

 

Just know that if you are all the wonderful things that you describe, then you don't have to go for a man that is all ready taken. As soon as you see a wedding ring or he says that he has a girlfriend mark him as off limits, no matter how handsome and charming he is.

 

Date single men and then you can start a relationship. If you say that you're smart, then you have to logically know that nothing will ever come of starting a relationship with a man that is taken.

 

Stop feeling like you have to prove something, by taking other peoples men. In their eyes you will only be a fling, because they have someone else that they have made a "commitment" to at home.

[yeawutever]

Plus if you're dating taken guys, you are literary degrading yourself. Come to think of it, there isn't many girls going for taken guys, wanting to be second place. Why would a girl/guy, anyone want to date leftovers in which nothing will ever come out, it would be a fantasy relation.

[Scout]

Firefly, I sense from your posts that you are honestly baffled why you keep getting involved with unavailable men. And I am a strong believer that once we understand why something is driving us to behave in an unhealthy manner, we are better equipped to change that behavior and exchange it for more positive approaches.

 

There are several reasons why certain people are drawn to having affairs with people who are in committed relationships.

 

1) Low self-esteem, which carries over into a fear they can't sustain their half of a true commitment between two people. Thus, these people are more comfortable in the role of, as Ailec said, "Second place."

 

2) Addicted to the "thrill": Liasions with married people are spontaneous, charged with passion, fleeting...all the incredients for "excitement." But with these incredible highs come very painful low points, such as you seem to be feeling now.

 

3) And brace yourself for this one, because it ain't pretty...but a relationship therapist on this site tells me he has often seen clients that fit this profile: Some are addicted to "the kill" as well! As in seeking pleasure by killing a marriage. Simply put, these people delight in the challenge of competing with the wife or family. They see themselves as never being "wife material" or they may feel they would be incapable of being a mother. They want to exert control over the married man, as this gives them power and proves that they are just as deserving of a husband as the wife. They are very reckless in nature and very close to "black widow" personalities. They are in the relationship for something other than love.

 

If you really want answers to why you are in this unhappy pattern, I suggest you do some long, hard inward thinking. Is participating in illicit affairs really a feature you want to define your character?

[annie24]

maybe you come accross as being more of a buddy than a gf. try to set some boundries and see what happens and make yourself less available.

 

I think seabisquit is onto something with the "boundaries" statement.

 

I think you need to decide what you want for yourself, and what is the best way to achieve it. Do you want to be the mistress, or the "good time girl" the rest of your life? Do you eventually want to have a normal long-term relationship?

 

First off, if a man is married, has a gf, or can't be in a relationship for other reasons (jail, mentally unstable, recently out of a divorce, very busy and stressed starting his new business), then back away from these men. really try to limit your contact with them. and if you have to hang out with them, look at them like you would your brother.

 

Next, meet single men! Fine, you met a man who likes Kafka, but honestly, there are plenty of single men who want relationships that like Kafka also! Join a dating site, ask your friend to set you up with her single male friends, or her single brother.

 

getting involved with married men and men who aren't looking for relationships is really a dead end, as you can see. try to readjust your boundaries and patterns and see if that doesn't work out better for you.

 

good luck

[Derek]

If you are constantly with married and "unavailable" guys that never commit, how does that make you look to the "Real Guys" ?

 

If that's your reputation and vibe that you're always the "affair" girl. Ever thought that perhaps the singles guys decide they don't wanna touch that? If you don't mind being the "crazy-time" girl, then that's all you'll be. What you think of yourself is what others think of you...

 

Guys have *some* people reading skills... Give us some credit.

[yeawutever]

You problem is that you're degrading yourself being with guys in commited relations in order to make yourself feel happy, no need to do that. Happiness comes from within, you don't need to make yourself something you wish to be when you're not.