Trying to understand my feelings

[renaissancewoman101]

Do you guys ever get this way where you really need someone to the point that if that person leaves your life, you feel as though your life will end, even if it is someone who treats you badly?

 

I am not sure if I can let my best friend go after this whole situation is resolved, provided it is resolved amicably. I am not sure if I can really live without my best friend. Like this morning, he called me to talk to me and ask me some questions about things. We talked a bit about his stuff and about the upcoming situation. He was driving to work. While we were talking, his other cell phone rang and he told me to hold on and then he went on to talk on his other cell with a lady from work. Apparently, he has female buddies of his give him the lowdown on what is going on each morning, so he knows what to expect from the boss, his co-workers, etc. when he gets in. He proceeded to have a 15 minute conversation with his buddy and forgot about me. I ended up hanging up my phone because I didnt care to hear his conversation. He didnt call me back (usually he does) so I called him numerous times and he wouldnt answer. I called both his cell and he didnt answer. He has done that to me a few times, and the fear and upsetness I feel when he does this to me is unbelievable. Sometimes, I will full out sit in the middle of my room and cry when he does this to me. It feels like a knife cutting into me, like he is abandoning me. I dont know.

 

I dont understand myself and my relationship with my best friend. I hate his phone manners with me. He calls to talk at all hours of the night and expects me to answer and if I dont, he does the same thing I do, call numerous times and leaves me nasty messages. Two days ago, I was out with some friends and I left my cell phone in my purse (my cell vibrates so I usually keep it in my pocket so I can know someone is calling). Apparently my best friend called me to talk and he couldnt get a hold of me. So he called me 10 times in a row and left me 5 nasty messages saying I am never there for him and why didnt I pick up the phone. Then the next morning he turned off his phone and wouldnt answer when I called him back. Finally when I got a hold of him, he got mad at me. Yesterday, he did the same thing, I was out and didnt have my phone with me. I come home and there are 7 missed calls on the phone with 5 nasty messages. I call him back. He answers and says he cant talk and that he will call me back again. He calls back late last night and yells at me for not being there for him.

 

I know he needs me that is why he calls me so much. Sometimes I feel as though he hates it when I dont jump when he says jump so he punishes me for that by treating me weird on the phone (putting me off on the phone, talking to someone else when he was on the phone with me first, being rude to me). I never treat him weird on the phone out of spite. Sometimes, I leave my phone at home by accident, or it is in my purse and I cant hear it, etc.

 

There have been times when he calls me late at night and picks an argument with me. That happened about two months ago. I was at my parents' house and he called me at 2:30 AM. He was coming home from something and needed to talk to me to stay awake (NO, he wasnt drunk or anything like that) and we got into an argument that my mom overheard and I got heat from her for that.

 

The weird thing is that I want so much to be needed by him that when he doesnt need me, I feel very scared, then when he needs me, it makes me feel good again. I cant stand being rejected by him. Of all people, exs and friends included, if he were to reject me, it would probably be the end of my life.

 

Does anybody ever feel that way? or am I the nutsy one?

 

This whole issue with the situation that is coming up in a few weeks is bringing up feelings and emotions that I havent felt in a LONG time. Feelings of fear and abandonement and all that. I feel like I have to do this right so I dont hurt my best friend or lose him.

[nottoogreen]

Do you have visa problems and need your friend help you?

[Beyondthesea]

I know he needs me that is why he calls me so much

 

Hon, he 'needs' you because he is abusive to you. He is truly a mean and nasty person to you! I was so surprised in your post yesterday when you spilled the beans about what he is really like to you. No wonder you feel so used and upset a lot of the time! He is completely toxic and draining to you.

 

You're not nutsy for worrying about being abandoned, but obviously there's some underlying reason you are so attached to 'unavailable' people. Have you ever gone to counseling? I really believe it would do you a world of good to get to the bottom of these feelings and remove these toxic people from your life.

 

You are too good of a person for this RW. Would you ever consider being to your friend the way he treats you? I know you wouldn't. You are too good for that. So why allow him that sort of benefit? He knows you'll always return.

 

Have you ever read the 'Loser' article we all spout? It sounds like your bf is someone who matches a lot of those traits although he isn't dating you.

 

Hugs to you honey. Abandonment issues aren't fun to deal with. Even when we know these people are bad, all we worry about is them leaving.

[nottoogreen]

I know he needs me that is why he calls me so much

 

Hon, he 'needs' you because he is abusive to you. ...

 

Ahh, dummy me forgot...

 

Renaissancewoman101, Please check out this document and lot us know if that guy matches: link removed

[renaissancewoman101]

Nottogreen, no I do not have visa problems. I was born in the US and have lived here ALL my life and am a full US citizen. My best friend is a Midwestern caucasian guy and we have known each other for over 13 years.

 

Beyondthesea, we dated many years ago and there is an attachement between us that is very hard for me to spell out. I feel as though I need him so much in my life. His relationship with me has poisoned most of my love relationships since him and it was a BIG factor in why my ex broke up with me. My ex couldnt deal with the pull my best friend had on me.

 

I have gone to counseling before, many years ago, to deal with some of my relationship issues, but I have a hard time dealing with and working through issues about my best friend. Having his displeasure and his anger feels to me like someone is cutting a limb from me.

[ElektraHere]

Ren Woman ~ If you were on the other side of this and read what you have written thruthfully what would you tell that person???? You would tell them your life went on before they came into it and it will when they are out of it. This is truly NOT healthy. You ruminate over this constantly and it is stunting the rest of your life. Do you feel you don't deserve respect and happiness? Reading your posts are frustrating because you seem to think this guy walks on water. Like I said before friendship is the easiest of all relationships. This is the most convoluted and toxic relationship I have ever seen. It is like you need to be deprogrammed from him.

Also have you read your past posts and how many you have posted about him since the start of this year? The # will probably astound you.

 

Come on believe in yourself and believe that you will be ok and that the life you lead now will not be the life you lead in the future.

You have to or else you will just wither away into nothing but an emotional void.

 

DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!

[Cute Band Rat]

Hey RW, you and your best friend have a very very TOXIC relationship. He does you much more harm than good. This is NOT how a REAL "friend" should be making you feel. Period. I don't care WHAT the excuse is. You have been friends for a long time but so what? That does not mean you are not entitled to make NEW friends and let this one go. The only thing I see you doing wrong here is remaining in this ridiculous "friendship" with this guy. If you were dating him everyone would tell you to DUMP his sorry butt, so why should this be any different??? Sorry if this isn;t what you wanna hear, but this guy sounds like a class A JERK. Dump him already!!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

Nottogreen, after reading that article, I would say he fits everything except #2,#9 and #16. But I am not dating him right now. He was like that when we were dating but he was struggling with issues with his gayness and all that. As friends we are better (partially because his bf treats him the way he used to treat me) and he hasnt blown up at me as much and he hasnt pounced on me in a LONG time.

 

As for seeing how he is to me. I know he treats me badly and he is not good to me or for me, but leaving him is another problem. I have pulled away from him a bit in the last year or so, esp since moving out here. I dont live close to him (we live two hours away) and I dont always run for him anymore, although his rejection still pierces me to my heart.

 

I can understand how people feel when they come on here and say that they can't live without their SO, when they get dumped. Because, I am not sure if I can live without my best friend. When my ex dumped me, it was very painful and hard but I had my best friend behind scenes so it helped me to ease the pain. Each dating relationship I had, I always had my best friend semi-around so when it ended, it was easier to let go. He is my safety blanket.

 

I know most of you think I am nuts to be so attached to him but I dont think you can understand how much it threatens me emotionally if I had to lose him. It would feel as though my world shut down and all hope was lost.

[FoxLocke]

Ren. Woman, I think you need to cut this person loose.

 

I know it will be hard(as you seem to have developed this symbiotic relationship with him...), but in the end it is best. Just reading your posts I can see that this person is dragging you down.

 

He is NOT good for you. A real friend lifts you up when you are down. All he is doing is transferring negative energy from himself to you. That is why you are becoming so oppressively negative, and feel that you can't live without him...The two of you are locked together, and the only one who can break the tie is you.

 

For your own emotional well being you need to stay AWAY from him...And I would, if I were you, seek some counseling as a way to guide myself through all the turmoil.

 

For the record I am so glad that you are talking about it on the boards, because I know what a toxic "friend" can do. I have been there before.

 

When someone continually takes from you--without giving in return--eventually you won't have anything left to give.

 

Good luck!

[Beyondthesea]

Remember your own signature RW, "Life goes on."

 

If he weren't in your life, what would happen? You would lose the drama, pain and constant upheavel this guy adds to your life.

Life doesn't have to be so stressful.

 

Unfortunately I really don't see any other solution to this situation. The other thing you should be doing is finding other more 'normal' friends to hang out with and become more entwined with their social circle instead.

[RayKay]

RW, as I have told you a few times, your friend is really unhealthy for you, especially as you are constantly trapped in this cycle of wanting more (which he clearly cannot provide). You enable him, and are also awfully dependent on him. In return, he is abusive and takes advantage of you.

 

I am glad you hung up on him, but you should not have waited 15 minutes to do it! Yikes, if people put me on call waiting for more than a minute without returning and letting me know what is going on I hang up!

 

He uses you as his punching bag essentially, only by using words instead of fists. You are NOT supposed to be at his beck and call. This friendship is EXTREMELY one sided. I would never be friends with someone whom left me nasty messages, called me at all hours of the day with no respect for me or my life and was that cruel.

 

The reason it feels good when he "needs" you is because you are in an abusive cycle. He gives you enough to have you hold on, to make you believe he really can change, that he really does depend on you, then beats you back down again.

[ElektraHere]

Ren Woman ~ Everyone says that "you don't understand." Hon we do understand we have all been there before. We all say our prediciment is different. In reality it is just the same but with different faces and names.

 

Come on RW can you not rationally see the damage this is causing your psyche? Its like you are addicted to the abuse.

[CluelessGuy321]

I think the thing is that he has a lot going on in his life right now and thinks of you as his good friend so he thinks he may have some leeway in the way he treats you, because he assumes you know him so well or whatever.

 

I think it's healthy if you meet people. Meet different people. Meet a lot of people. It helps dissipate the crunch you have on one person.

 

 

Anyways, if you're ever up in Irvine and he ditches or something jerky, give me a call and we'll go have a coffee or something lol.

[nottoogreen]

Nottogreen, after reading that article, I would say he fits everything except #2,#9 and #16. ...

He is a loser destroying you, thus for your own sake he has to go.

I know most of you think I am nuts to be so attached to him but I dont think you can understand how much it threatens me emotionally if I had to lose him. It would feel as though my world shut down and all hope was lost.

 

Yeah, you said it, after 13 years, you _are_ nuts (aka loser-mate).

 

Please read it again...

 

We always will be here for you

[novaseeker]

Of all people, exs and friends included, if he were to reject me, it would probably be the end of my life.

 

That's the key issue.

 

If you are that connected/dependent upon any one person, it's a real problem. In reality, your life doesn't depend on your relationship with him, and you can move on with your life without him in it, if that has to be. That's the objective reality, but the challenge is coming to terms with that subjectively, which is difficult. But as hard as it is, it is what you have to do. I think that a main reason why you feel the way you do is because you so attached to him that he plays a huge role in your life satisfaction ... which has to change.

[Beyondthesea]

Agreed. After 13 years, who wouldn't be driven batty? He is so toxic he's making you crazy.

 

You know, that's probably the other reason that you feel like you will be abandoned...he limits your social circle and contacts because you constantly have to be at his beck and call! You have no time for anyone or anything else.

 

If you don't want to lose him, you need to have a talk and explain about boundaries. He can't phone you all hours, day and night. If he is mean to you, you leave. If he phones and puts you on hold, you hang up. If he screams or yells, you tell him you're not talking for a week.

 

Honestly, it's really not worth all that effort, but if you can't at least put that much of a boundary between you two you're going to go off the deep end.

[Dako]

Ren

 

If you get free of him, life goes on. A much better life with people who really care for you. People aren't as devious as this devious schmuck tells you. People respond to you and like you. You can do this, and afterward live without fear and tears, and enjoy the best part of your life.

There's nothing wrong with Ren.

[renaissancewoman101]

Right now, I am trying to come to terms about how I feel about him and why I feel the way I do. I am also extremely freaked out about what I am going to be facing in about two weeks. If I get through that unscathed, which I do think I can, I hope, I am really looking to leave him and his bf behind forever.

 

I want a new life, new friends, etc. But, I am very afraid to leave my best friend and let him go. It is like me learning to swim in the deep end. Even though I finally (last week) learned how to be somewhat comfortable swimming in the deep end, it took me many years to come to that point. I want to leave my best friend and live a new life but on the other hand, I am so afraid to.

 

How do people resolve those two conflicting issues in their lives, knowing that someone is not good for you and yet not wanting to leave that person because they are all you know and you have issues with abandonment that literally bring you to your knees???

 

My rational mind knows that the best thing for my sanity and self-esteem, is to let him go and go on with my life, but I have such vivid fears about what life is going to be like without him. I have not had many friends since I knew him, partly because he needs me so much. When I first moved out here, I spent most of my time up by him, catering to him. It was only that his bf moved out here (his bf hates me) and wouldnt let me see him much that my friend let me go a bit. He still calls me all the time, like he used to do when we lived in Wisconsin and expects me to be there for him, jump for him, etc. It was hard having a dating relationship with my best friend in the background because he still expected me to jump for him, all the while saying he was happy that I had a bf.

 

After this situation blows over, hopefully favorably, I am going to try to let him go. If I can go through with this, I am going to be leaning on this board and people here a lot since I dont have a lot of friends out here. I guess I just dont want to sound and be a burden to people. That is also a fear of mines since my best friend says I can be a burden, and he puts up with me like no one else will.

[Dako]

Ren

You aren't a burden, and that's what we're here for.

Just like swimming in the deep end. You can do this!

[ElektraHere]

Ren ~ I would rather you lean then keep falling on your face. So lean away!!!!

[Relationship Coach]

RW,

We all have emotional clutter that needs to be cleaned from our closets. You have many things going for you but you need to learn when a friendship has turned negative and toxic thus losing all value. It is hard to let go of the history and dependence but there is a point where it for your own sanity you have to let go. You moved there to start a new life, release the old one and embrace what comes your way. You have many friends here to fill the void until you increase your circle of new friends and relationships.

 

RC

[Beyondthesea]

Ren, I want you to know I really do understand where you are coming from. I was with an abusive man for 7 years. In that time, I didn't know why I stayed...honestly, the more I think about it, the more I just wanted validation that I was a good person and wasn't as useless or stupid as he made me out to be.

 

What made me leave? I started realizing that no one in life is going to make me happy but myself. I dropped him flat, and he crawled and begged trying to get back with me. He would not leave me alone. I actually am fearful for you that he will be mean to you when you tell him to back off.

 

Anyhow, why would you feel abandoned by him? You are the one leaving, not him leaving you. You have to get this idea out of your head that you are being abandoned by everyone.

 

You have lots of friends...what are you afraid of? It sounds to me like you fear being alone. So what can you do to help that?

 

Be more involved with activities in social areas. I started being part of things in my area and found some really great friends! A book club, exercise groups, cooking courses, art classes, etc. They are all great places to meet new friends to lean on.

 

And most importantly: you need to learn to lean on yourself instead of depending on others so much for your happiness and stability. You can do it

[CHINOOKA]

Well, maybe you could set some boundaries with him about the telephone calls.