Should I stay in family home or give her "space"?

[Nev]

My wife says she wants to separate. I do not. We had a major bust up last week (no violence ever) and it ended up with me spending a few nights at my parents house to give her some space to think. She is confused over her feelings for me. I work from home during the day so she has "allowed" me to continue doing this, however - she won't however "allow" me to stay at nights as she says has problems staying calm and relaxing. I've offered to sleep separately but this is not good enough. We have 3 kids ages 4,10 and 17. I don't want to make it difficult for them but I also don't want to lose any rights or the chance of reconciliation. How can we talk for either way forward with brief glimpses when I'm coming or leaving the home. I have done nothing specific to make her want her want out she says that I have not given her enough attention over the years and now is not sure she loves me. After getting to this stage she has done things that she knows were wrong - say no more. I'm frightened that if I push this I will send her over the edge to really starting proceedings?

[eyeswideopen]

Believe I'm not expert, however if I was in the situation and really wanted it to work out this is what I would do...

 

First, buy her flowers, leave a heartfelt handwritten note on it explaining how you truly feel for her, and how much you regret not giving her the attention and love she deserved.

 

Second.. think back to when you first fell in love.. what was it about her that made you fall for her.. what was it about you that made her fall for you? either try and recreate that moment of time or buy her something that reminds her of that time..

 

Do you have any momento's or keepsakes from the beginning when it was just you two? something that she may not know you even saved.. wrap it up and give it to her..

 

keep it somewhat subtle and not so "in her face".

 

you could even go simpler here. leave little things for her before you leave so when she comes home she sees them but again, don't bombard her.

 

give her the physical space she needs.. whatever you do, do not use the children as messengers no matter what.

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

I betcha ten bucks she's interested in someone else.

 

Just call it a hunch.

[Nev]

I betcha ten bucks she's interested in someone else.

 

Just call it a hunch.

 

She says not and I believe her... although she has had "inappropriate" online relationships, I don't believe this to be the underlying problem.

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

When you first found out about the "inappropriate" on-line relationships did she:

 

a) Deny it, then fess up.

 

b) Justify it at harmless.

 

c) Confess and apologize.

 

 

If your answer is a or b, I stand by my initial suspicions.

 

If she came to you to confess to these relationships, then she's trying to rattle your cage. She wants more excitement. Buy a Harley.

[Nev]

C actually but little apology except that she knew it was wrong!

[DN]

In my opinion the partner who wants to separate should be the one to leave the home if there has been no violence. She is the one who wants to change the relationship so she should be the one who takes the discomfort and upheaval of leaving the home.

 

She does not 'allow' you to stay in your own home.

 

I realise you want a reconciliation but that does not mean you have to give her everything she wants or do everything according to her terms.

 

I strongly suggest you consult a lawyer - today or tomorrow - to find out what your rights and responsibilities are. This does not mean that you initiate legal proceedings or let her know you have seen a lawyer. It just means you are finding out your legal position.

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

yeah, for real. Its your house too.

 

Be a man.

[need2bme]

Be a man? I think that might be a little harsh. Having gone through a divorce with kids, myself, it is hard sometimes to think of what is right.

 

I too think that she should move out. She is the one doing the breaking. I will share something with you. I used to flirt online and other things. I realize now that it was not the right thing to do. We never seem to see what is in front of us. I wish that I had spent more time with my GF and not on the couch or online.

 

The more you guys stay in the same house, the more you will hurt each other. I do not advocate divorce or separation (with kids involved), but it may be what you need to do.

[melrich]

If it were me, and assuming she has daily custody of the kids, I'd move out. Not permanently but if you can manage something for a few weeks then I think you should do that.

 

It may seen unfair but I think to cause least disruption to the kids and to ensure you do not inflame things with your wife, that's what I would do.

 

I'd consult a lawyer first.