boyfriend's mom is pushing me away

[SnoGirl42]

I've posted on this topic a couple of times already and nothing has changed since.

 

There is too much to say, but overall I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend because I can't stand his mom. She's rude to me and I honestly am getting tired of the feeling that she really doesn't think that I am good enough for my boyfriend. She's like the mother in that movie monster in-law with jennifer lopez. It's really making me think that long term I don't want to be putting up with her BS.

 

My boyfriend and her are really close so I don't think discussing this will help at all. The real problem is this: the way she is making me feel is really putting me down. I don't like the feeling of not being pretty enough, smart enough, sucessful enough (even though i am still a student) to not be dating her son (i've never had this problem before with my ex-boyfriends mothers). It really hurts that a mother would try so hard to ruin something her son and I are happy with.

 

I'm really thinking of calling it quits with him before this gets worse. I've been polite, respectful, and kind to her and I don't think i deserve to be treated this way.

 

Do you think it would be resonable or not reasonable to break up with my boyfriend because of this?

[fishrrshortae]

It would definitely be reasonable to break up if he's not getting involved in the situation. That means sitting down and talking to his mother about her words/behaviors and how she's affecting you and his relationship with you. If he isn't being supportive of you and the relationship in general, it might be wise to reconsider a long-term relationship.

[bebecole]

have you tried talking to her and bonding with her??

maybe you just need to get to know her more?

ask your boyfriend if she would mind maybe going out to lunch..

just a option.. im not sure really how this women is so im not sure if this is the right approach but its worth a try right?

[Scout]

What exactly is she doing? I remember in a previous thread you were upset she didn't help get you a job where she works. Other than that, how is she making you feel inferior, or being like the mother-in-law in "Monster-In-Law"?

[ElektraHere]

SnoGirl ~

 

I dated a "mommas boy." hence the word dated. He was very close with his mother, I believe she made most of his desicions. She never was rude to me but who knows she maybe would have done that the farther we went with our relationship? I was taking the time he used to spend with her away. She did not like this one bit.

If we would have stayed together I never would of had him on my side. He would always go with his mom.

I would say if he isnt willing to budge this long then sorry to say he will never budge. Especially if he doesnt talk to his mother about how rude she is to you. That is just NOT acceptable.

[Skippy]

As someone that has been accused of being a momma's boy i will say this in my defences. She is a woman that raised me, feed me, picked me up when i was down, gave me the principles that i have, the educatoin that i needed, the culture, social resposibility the is required in society today, etc. If you come into my life and critisize my mom, you can go to hell as you are critisizing me personally. No i am not perfect noris my mother, but there are ways of doing things. If yo want to be part of the family, you must stand back and observe how that family works and recognise if that family work in a hierarchical way or not.

But that being said, if you cannot stand the mother or the mother cant stand you and you have tried your best. You had better let go as your boyfriend will have similar priciples as his family.

[JustNormal]

I can't relate to this as being weird- maybe because I'm a guy and the Father never is supposed to make you feel comfortable. Not so much an issue for me now, but if memory serves the Father is supposed to treat you like * * * * until you earn it and marry her. I wish I could give you better advice, but this is really a woman thing. Hell if I know.

 

I also have a mother and father, in fact. Incredible as it sounds. And I can say that most men that are "momma's" boys simply respect their mother. And you like those men because that "momma" raised them that way. Perhaps this guy is going farther than that, but you don't state anything specific- so you ain't getting nothing specific.

 

Maybe his mother senses or knows something is wrong with you and doesn't want you to breed with her son, thereby ruining her entire family. Just a guess. And I mean that. I'm just guessing because you really have not said much have you.

[ElektraHere]

I think loving and respecting your mother is a great thing. Its impressive actually. However, when a mother gets in between her son and his S.O. thats when its time to cut the apron strings. Haven't you ever seen the Oprah or Dr Phil shows where the son always puts his mother before his own wife and kids? It can cause all sorts of problems. I love my family and my brothers love our mother but we have our separate lives from her and she also respects our boundaries too.

[Scout]

I think loving and respecting your mother is a great thing. Its impressive actually. However, when a mother gets in between her son and his S.O. thats when its time to cut the apron strings.

 

Yes, but if the girlfriend tries to do that, it's almost always a recipe for disaster. I have to say I don't feel we have enough information at this point to really understand if that's what is happening here, either. I really don't see any details that inform me, at least, one way or the other.

[ElektraHere]

True Scout. I think it can definitely go both ways.

[babypink61]

Or maybe cuz she's jealous cuz she doesn't want somebody to take her son away or have her son give more attention to another woman other than her! My friend dated someone that was a TOTAL mama's boy. The man is 25 and he still lives at home with mom and has a curvue set at like 1 AM or something lol. He's not allowed to go away on weekends and if he stays out later than 1 AM his mom will blow up his cellphones calling him every other minute! Well they broke up eventually cuz my friend couldn't stand it anymore! He actually had to ask his mom for permission if he has to take a trip with friends or something, I thought it was pretty sad that his mom still controls his life like that. But then again, his dad passed away not too long ago so I'm thinking that had a lot to do with it. She probably feels like he's the only male figure she can cling on, now that her husband is gone. Anyways!! I would probably talk to your bf and ask him to talk to his mom and figure out what exactly it is that she doesn't like about you and maybe you can try to work on it if it's reasonable. Judging by what you said about your bf, he's most likely going to choose his mom over you.

[JustNormal]

Haven't you ever seen the Oprah or Dr Phil shows where the son always puts his mother before his own wife and kids?

 

Umm.. No. You are intimating an Oedipus complex. Also interesting, is that the opposite situation is illustrated by your nickname. Electra. Anyhow, I don't know what to say about this. If the guy can't say no to his mother, then yea, issues. I say no all the time and it's not a big deal. Again, an anecdote or a ditty or something may help figure it out if the author posts it.

[Momene]

In general, I'd say a momma's boy is right out but if you're college age and he's maybe slightly older, he might not have grown up and might be partially dependent for money.

 

I'd say don't make any commitment yet, don't marry him but you need to finish your studies first anyway. Just see if he grows up or not.

[sugarmomma]

I am not sure if this will help you at all but I am in a similar situation.

 

My boyfriend's mother is obssessed with my boyfriend.

 

Her standards for whomever he dates are unrealistically high.

 

Since the beginning she has made a pointed out how I am not pretty enough ( well more like not thin enough), not successful enough, I don't come from a good enough family, I don't make enough money, I don't have a good enough education ( i'm in college too), I am not clean enough. The other day she pointed out that I stay out in the sun too much and that I am going to end up with age spots and a wrinkled neck.

 

At first it was a huge issue for me and it actually made me start to feel really insecure. I questioned ending my relationship as well.

 

But I really wanted to make my relationship work regardless of his mother. Basically I made it clear to my boyfriend that I don't care what his mother thinks as long as it doesn't affect what he thinks, and that if it comes to a point to where it's affecting what he thinks, then he and I have much bigger issues.

 

I try to understand that (even though it's not healthy) his mother's standards come from her love for her son. Somewhere deep in all of that hateful judgement comes her wanting the best for her son.

 

My plan on dealing with the issue is to continue to be myself. I have faith that she will eventually see the things her son loves in me and one day she will understand how much I love her son and that I only want the best for him. And that will overshadow all the shallow things she judges me for.

 

Luckily she isn't rude to my face. Most of her nasty comments are made behind my back.

 

If she was rude to my face I wouuld have to have a heart to heart talk to her explaining all of my good intentions for her son and the fact that I don't want to interfere in their relationship , more so I'd like to be a part of it. A conversation where I can address and confront her on her rudeness without insulting her. And maybe somehow making her feel a little better.

 

Whether you like her or not she is someone who will always be important to your boyfriend. I guess you have decide how important your boyfriend is to you.

 

In doesn't excuse her behavior but maybe it will give you some ideas in order to cope.

 

Either way in time she will have to get over it and accept her son's decision to be with you.

 

good luck!