This is what I wanted.....so why does it feel weird?

[BigFatMess]

So, my ex has decided he wants me back. After 2 months NC, he claims to have sorted his life goals out. He used to be scared of commitment, now is talking about marriage (eventually), wanting children with me, buying a house etc etc. He is SO sure I am the one, it is almost scary.

 

He is fighting so hard to get me back. Calls me all the time, tells me he loves me (maybe too much!), is trying to SHOW me that he has changed. That he has grown up. No more bull, no more flirtatious interactions, no more secrets, no more sneakiness. He has given me the passwords to all his email accounts, complete access to his phone EVERYTHING.

 

I spent the weekend with him, and he was SO sweet. Took me for a picnic in the evening, we watched the sun set. He told me he wants to spend his life with me. That he wants to keep working on our relationship, keep being romantic, keep us. He said he doesn't want to lose me ever again.

 

ALL PERFECT. So why is it that I am still scared? Still unsure? Still insecure???? I think maybe I am holding myself back because I don't want to get hurt? He said when he picked me up from the airport he was SO happy. I didn't feel ecstatic. I mean, I enjoy his company, I think I still love him, but I don't have the same feelings anymore.

 

Is this normal? Or is this a sign that maybe what we had has died and I should tell him we can't be together again? I told him he has to SHOW me and prove to me that things have changed before we will be together again properly.

 

THOUGHTS????

[friscodj]

It feels strange to you because the fantasy you wanted has become a reality, at least for now. It's like suddenly seeing the comic book characters come to life or something...

 

Additionally, perhaps your intuition is telling you something is amiss here. Perhaps he has made this change out of feelings of guilt, loniless, detachment and you sense that.

 

Also, the relationship dynamic has changed. This man has put forth all this effort, made all these changes, essentially giving himself to you while you are in the new position of holding all the cards and calling the shots...it's like he is a different person in this regard...

 

It has been my experience that for reconciliations to succeed, both sides have to be committed to working on the things which caused the break up in the first place, even if it seems like it was all his fault. It always takes two to make a relationship work or not to some degree.

 

So to have him putting forth this huge amount of effort and having you stand back and watch isn't going to yield much of a relationship at all...

 

My thought is you should give this some time to all sink in and see if you still "think" you love him or "know" you love him and are willing to work yourself to make this work.

[goddess23]

yeah i agree with the above post. his reasons for changing dont seem right. i know this sounds wrong, but he should change for you. it should be for himself. and it doesnt seem like thats what happened. if you're not that elated or confident about it express your feelings and tell him that you cannot make any promises or decisions right now. you need to think about it, or tell him that he should focus on moving on...and maybe in time you and him can be friends and maybe work it out. it seems that you know its not right....at least right now. dont give in, my girls are going through similar things right now. dont give in.

[annie24]

yeah, there is something funny about 2 months no contact. a lot of people make a lot of decisions around that time. kinda freaky

 

Anyways, I agree with your opinion and the other poster. go slow. tell him you need to go slow. Like you said, you don't need to hear just the words, you need to know that the actions match.

 

Just take it easy, see what happens, listen to your gut. if you don't feel you want to get back together, that is fine too.

 

good luck

[tough_girl]

Humans are complicated beings indeed, aren't we?

 

Your man has turned almost perfect and super nice to you. However, all the changes he made might not be what you want. By making the changes, perhaps he has turned into somebody new you don't really know anymore and that might be sending warning signals to you.

 

My idea would be for you to talk to him and work out what is really happening at the moment and what you need/want.

 

Love isn't about doing something, it's about feeling. Even if your man is perfect but you don't feel anything, ...........(draw your own conclusion)

 

I wish you best of luck.

[friscodj]

And those changes he made won't happen instantly. He won't be perfect. And can you accept this fact?

[Gracelove]

If you're scared, be careful, I'm sure it's your gut.

I mean how does someone do a complete 180 in 2 months?

Maybe he just went from one extreme to the other, you probably don't want extremes, just a sincere medium.

Be careful, take your time, what's the rush?

If you feel pressured then tell him to back off...your life, your terms.

[friscodj]

Break-ups can really shake people up, I mean, to the point they don't know who they are anymore. This might be him just going through the break-up cycle. That has happened to me and I have done things similar to what this guy has done as well.

 

But all things considered, if you like this guy, still feel this might work out, and don't have anything else going on, I'd say go for it...

[nicorette]

i think that if you still love him, and want to make thsi work, do it. either go in for it or dont. dont leave him waiting. of course you should think things over, but dont keep him waiting too long, itll only prolong this whole thing. if he is genuine in trying to make this work, and you love him id say give it a chance, as long as youre willing to work at it.

[BigFatMess]

All for your posts. Yes, definitely want to take things slowly. Maybe I do need to take some time out to think. He is not pressuring me, but I guess I am pressuring myself. I want to be SURE. I want it to be SORTED, one way or the other. I want to know he is being genuine, that this is not just a phase or just part of the break up process. And the only way to know is to give it time.

 

I wonder whether spending some normal time with him would help. We are living in different cities at the moment, and the time we do spend together seems so short and precious that I can't really judge anything.

 

I do think I am guarding my heart fiercely, and that is partly why I am so unsure of how I feel. I do not want to get hurt. That first and foremost. That clouds everything. I am not totally sure that he has changed, so I am not giving my heart.

 

He knows it will take time. He knows I am unsure. He wants to prove it to me. Wants to show me he is being real. And then he hopes I will want to be with him again.

 

Argh, it is just so complicated, and so confusing.

 

friscodj: I agree, I think I should give it time to sink in, and then decide whether I want to make it work too. I know I have work to do too, it is just a question of whether I want to risk it all again. I can accept he isn't perfect, and that these changes will take time. What I can't accept is if things go back to the way they were as soon as he "has" me.

 

goddess23: I think this "change" has been a long time coming, but I am just the catalyst. He was very much living in a dream world, and seems to have woken up.

 

annie24: thanks for your support. I will take things slowly and listen to my gut. I guess I just hate the unknown.

 

tough_girl: its true. I hardly know this guy. This guy is affectionate, attentive, totally open, and would do anything. But how long will that last?

 

Gracelove: Yes, that is what I wonder too. How can someone change so much in such a short space of time? Then again, I do believe that if the person has been given a jolt, that CAN realise they have made a mistake and do something about it. I don't think he has turned into an angel overnight. But I do believe he is trying to better himself, and become a better person.

[friscodj]

Look, you say you want to be sure but there is no real surety in relationships...or in life in general for that matter...so if you seek surety you won't find it in this world...

 

And the issue of risk is one you have to decide for yourself. I say if you do go into this, you give it a fair shake by letting your guard down and going for it... And remember if you do get hurt you will heal...don't be so afraid!

[mikeca]

to me I think there would be a transitional period where you feel akward with someone you felt so close with but then they just up and lefted one day, when you spend more time you can slowly let your guard down again and judge whether its worth it.

[GottaLetItBurn]

This is a whim.

 

 

Kick him to the curb, nows your chance

 

Everyone plans 5 minutes ahead. He probably thought of the good times, was thinking that if he got back to you then it will be like that all over again since your starting fresh.

 

Wrong.

 

 

It won't change, then he will dump you again. He had his chance, dump him and move on or get hurt again. Is a guy who dumped going to be someone you tell people you had children with? Are you going to tell your kids their dad dumped you but then you took him back?

 

Move on, teach him a lesson.

[HardShowingAffection]

I believe people CAN change for the better. When I split with my ex, it was a HUGE wake-up call. It made me dig into myself big time, and in turn, made me a much better person. And yes, like him, it has only been 2 months for me.

 

I have friends comment on my attitude, to the point where they have actually picked up the books I have read, and have changed their attitudes because of the positive 'aura' that I carry with myself now.

 

However, I also agree with frisco, in the fact that, if you two do end up persuing things, you really need to look at yourself as well. You two need to work as a team to make this relationship successful. You need to put a process into place that will allow your relationship to continue in an upward sprial! It does take two... and that means you both have to work. Look at where you have failed in the past, and address those issues. Make sure the roads of communication are open and honest.

 

Good luck!

[BigFatMess]

friscodj: you are so right. There is no certainty. I do know that. I guess I am just petrified of getting hurt again. I know I can get over it though (have done a great job so far!) and that life won't end. But I just worry that I won't give him the whole me. That I will always hold some of myself back. Or maybe that is a good thing?

 

mike`ca: when I read your post, I almost instantly felt better! Yes, of course it will be awkward at first. Things have changed, feelings have changed, roles have changed, everything has changed. So I guess I just have to let TIME tell me whether this is right and stop fretting.

 

GottaLetItBurn: maybe you are right? I broke up with him though, not the other way around. He knows things can't be the same, and aren't the same now. And it won't be that he is nice to me for a week and all is back to being honky dory. It is going to take MONTHS or who knows how long. And I will have to see CONSISTENCY.

 

HardShowingAffection: Thanks! It is nice to hear that you HAVE looked at yourself and that you believe people can change. I believe it too, but am scared I am being naive. I totally agree tho, he is not the only one who has to work on us. However, for NOW, he has to show me his changes before I can decide whether it is something I want to go back to, and THEN we can work TOGETHER at picking up the pieces.

 

I guess I am just so scared of making a big mistake. Of getting into it again and getting even more messed up. I don't want to be one, five, ten years down the track, and realise I have made a mistake and wasted those years of my life. Know what I mean?

[HardShowingAffection]

I hear you, and your concerns.

 

Don't be afraid to love. And that doesn't just mean your bf. That means everything. When you have fear, it takes the best of you, and can turns things for the worse. Love like there is no tomorrow.

 

Let me recommend two books for you that have absolutely changed the way I view things.

 

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz

 

These two books are EASY reads... but their impact can be life changing. The analogies that he makes within them is amazing, and they have become a way of life for me. If I am ever feeling down, I think about the words in these books, and I am instantly feeling better... it is amazing.

 

Try them out, you won't be sorry. I picked mine up used on Amazon for under $10 a piece, and now they both sit on my bedside table. Simply AMAZING! I have also gotten about 4 other people that are friends/family, and they are also working to live out the words in these books....

 

Good Luck!

[friscodj]

I think what you need to do is take some time and see how it goes. Trust your intuition and your judgment and then play the hand or fold it. If you think you have a good hand, bet the house, if not, play for the next hand...

 

Also try and give this guy a fair shake. Are you carrying around some baggage from the past that doesn't have to do with him? Are you afraid of getting hurt again in general or that he himself will hurt you again...

[mikeca]

I hope you can find substance in all the advice we've given, but in the end its you who can only judge the final outcome, I wish you well in your decision.

[pablovblack]

I mean how does someone do a complete 180 in 2 months?

 

Well, It can be done, I can assure you that, I dont even remember myself from 2 months ago, I'm very ashamed of who I was, and I can honestly say I have done a 180 in 2 months.

In fact this morning I was saying to myself, God I've been two people in such a short space of time. Its like Ive been cracked round the head and I can see everything in a much more clear and honest way....

 

Simply losing something so dear to you can shock you into a new way of thinking, living and generally being... It did with me..... I'm not going back to being that boy If it means losing love.. I simply wont allow it to happen.

[HardShowingAffection]

I absoulutely agree with you pablovblack. My ex used to tell me occasionally that I needed a 'reality check'. I always kind of blew it off, because she wasn't very specific with the comment. I looked at it as I have never been handed anything. I always worked for everything I had. I bought my cars, I bought my house, I worked and paid for my college education, etc.

 

However, the 'reality check' that I needed was within myself. It was finding out who I was... and what I was doing. It was looking at the way I handled situations, and being able to love. Yes... I see now, in that manner, I did need a BIG reality check. Why her and I failed to work on this together, is still unknown to me. It took me losing the most important girl in my life for me to see this. If she hadn't left, maybe I would have continued on the path that I was on.

 

People do change. People grow. If you do get back with your ex... it is not fair to hold past events over their heads. You have to remember the good, and learn from the bad. Forgive them... don't forget the events, but you have to forgive them for YOU! To make the relationship healthy, to move forward as a couple.

 

I am telling you... and I am telling everyone that reads these forums... discover YOU! Read the two books that I mentioned in my last post... you won't be sorry. It will open your eyes to so many things. Take this stuff seriously... you might think you are fine, but if your relationship is struggling, YOU can change it!

[ranlian]

bigfatmess,

are you still in regular contact with you ex? if you feel that you need to be sure of the changes in him, then the only way to do it is to be in regular contact and see him once in a while to see those changes. that obviously means you have to take that risk of getting hurt. you won't get the answer that you seek if you don't take that risk.

 

your post made me think if that's what my ex is thinking too. we're LDR now (if you call it a relationship), and she rarely contacts me. we've already gone to the core issues and talked them through, but we're still not back together. so i wonder if it's because of the same way you're feeling... i feel like i've changed a lot too, but how can she tell if she doesn't contact me? so that's why i'm telling you to take that risk.

[BigFatMess]

ranlian, I am now yes. I guess we are kind of "dating". It is helping. I spent the weekend with him this weekend just been, and it did feel a bit better. Kinda reconnecting I guess.

 

I agree, the only way to see if the changes have been made is to contact them, and see their behaviour. I am taking the risk, but still being VERY VERY cautious......