I'm not attracted to my boyfriend

[whissel]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now and I just can't stand it any more. He is pretty much everything I DO NOT want in a boyfriend…the problem is, I don't know how to break up with him.

We are the typical "beauty and the beast" couple (for a lack of a better word). He is not very attractive at all, he has bad teeth, and overall he is a low maintenance sort of person. I'm the total opposite.

He also very very insecure and whiney. He whines and begs for me to show him attention, to hold him, and to love on him. It is soooo annoying. When it comes to decision making, I'm the one who makes ALL decisions…like what restaurants we eat at, what we are going to do on the weekends, and what movie we watch.

 

In the beginning I didn't mind the fact that he wasn't as good looking as some of the other guys, and I was flattered by all the other stuff, but not it's just too much. I realize that I am almost embarrassed to walk hand in hand with him. I need someone who is more like me. I am just not attracted to him.

 

The problem is…I can't break up with him. Like I said, he is very insecure making him very vulnerable. If we would break up, he would be devastated. He doesn't have any friends at all that he could fall back on or anything. I'm the only one he ever talks to.

 

I don't know what to do. If I break up with him, he'll be hurt and all alone. If I don't, I'll suffer and won't have the opportunity to date other people who share my interests.

[tylercdurden2004]

In the beginning I didn’t mind the fact that he wasn’t as good looking as some of the other guys, and I was flattered by all the other stuff

 

What other stuff?

[indiangirl]

Leading him on to continue to think that this is something that is long term and meant to me may be more hurtful in the long run. I know you do not want to hurt him by breaking up with him but it seems you have already made your decision. You have to let him know that this is not working out anymore, and do not tell him it is becuase you are not attracted to him anymore. That will be more hurtful.

[RandomAdvisor]

Never stay with anyone out of pity. It's not fair to either of you - The Grand Puhbah DN

 

If you don't find him attractive anymore and don't want to be with him, you should just get it over with and end it no matter how bad things might be for him afterwards. You're spending time both of you could be using to find that special someone instead of remaining in a dead end relationship. He might not be for you in the long run, but don't you think he deserves to be with someone who loves him as much as he loves them? Don't you?

 

Yes, it's hard. But the sooner it is done the better it is for both of you...

[Relationship Coach]

Well under the circumstances you need to break up with him, anything else is living a lie. Break up with him and tell him about enotalone, we will help him out. Before you get in to the next relationship, make sure it's with someone you feel more compatible with both inside and out. You have a very strong personality are you sure he just didn't become submissive to you out of fear of being dumped? Sometimes when a person feels unworthy they lose all sense of respect for themselves, let themselves go and wait for the axe to fall. I don't think the break up will be a big surprise to him.

 

RC

[Momene]

There's no easy way to dump someone, no right time, etc. It's best to do it in a way that doesn't affect his self esteem.

 

The only other idea is do you know anyone who is attracted to him? Even ogres like me have some admirers.

[wlfpack81]

Deleted by user

[Cadence308]

It is going to hurt him when you break up with him, as breakups always do hurt. Do NOT tell him that you are breaking up with him because you no longer find him physically attractive. Since you've already made up your mind you need to do this ASAP, as staying in the relationship is leading him on.

[Dako]

Being dumped thoughtfully beats being kept around until things get unbearable. Don't wait until it's more convenient for you are you have a new guy in the wings. Do it on a Friday so he has time to deal with the schock.

[RayKay]

Well, of course it won't be easy, but staying with him out of pity for his "vulnerability" is only going to hurt you and him in the long run. Would you want someone to stay with you as they felt sorry for you?

 

Just be compassionate when you do it, and establish boundaries (aka don't lead him on with hopeful statements). He'll be okay, even if he does not realize it yet.

 

I would say that while he may not be a "looker" the other reasons (like clinginess, insecurity and so on) are what have turned you off in the end. Even the most average/plain men and women can be extremely attractive when you fall for them, because personality is so much of it. Were you attracted to him initially?

[searching1951]

Do you think you might actually miss him?

You sound like my ex, who complained bitterly about her ex.

He was mean, crotchedy, old, couldn't have sex becasue of prostate cancer, etc. etc. Yet,

after a few years she dumped me and is now marrying him !!!

It was brutal too..just put up a wall one Friday night, and wouldn't answer calls or emails. I found out 2 weeks later she was marrying him !!! I have never been so shocked in all my life.

I can't figure out the human brain...

Are you sure you won't regret it??

[Stari]

I think your boyfriend CAN make decisions. He thinks he is being kind and loving by letting your preference go before his.

 

So if you do not appreciate this, let him know. He honestly cannot grasp by himself that you would not appreciate this. But it is a paradigm shift, a fundamental shift in the way he looks at the world, so giving him hints will not be enough. But if you tell him, he will show you love the way you appreciate it.

[thursday]

Actually I quite agree with Stari!

 

You were with him for some time, a year is not nothing.

Maybe he was more the confident person back in the beginning?

If so there most likely happened something causing him to become 'clingy'

If one is clingy, one thing leads to another..

 

Believe me I've been there! (if you want more info PM me)

There is definitely something that caused him to become independent/clingy/...

 

Talk with him.. find out what this problem really is!

He will do everything in order to become the person you once felt for. He just needs to realise he has a problem and needs to fix it.

[Momene]

Actually I quite agree with Stari!

 

You were with him for some time, a year is not nothing.

Maybe he was more the confident person back in the beginning?

If so there most likely happened something causing him to become 'clingy'

If one is clingy, one thing leads to another..

 

Believe me I've been there! (if you want more info PM me)

There is definitely something that caused him to become independent/clingy/...

 

Talk with him.. find out what this problem really is!

He will do everything in order to become the person you once felt for. He just needs to realise he has a problem and needs to fix it.

 

Whatever the rights and wrong of the situation might be (and let's face it some of most people's dating choices don't always stem from honourable intentions), I don't think trying to "rescue" the relationship or give him "one more chance" will work. I think he has to be let go gracefully.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It's grossly unfair of you to keep him on as your boyfriend and deny HIM the chance of a painful period of self-growth..followed by finding someone who actually is into him.

[diamond]

I feel so sorry for him..

[whissel]

I understand what you all are saying, and I agree that I should break up with him.

But it is definitely easier said than done. We have been together for over a year and he is also my best friend. I might not be attracted to him physically or sexually, but I definitely see him as a friend. So even if we would break up the relationship, I don't know if I could just completely stop communicating with him entirely. I couldn't imagine that.

[thursday]

Yeah well, I feel kind of very sorry for this guy.. I just think breaking up with him when he has NOTHING to fall back on is a bit immoral and might lead to suicide (sorry that's only what I think, but look how many people tell you to break up with him).. Okay I'm really the guy who has always been honest, but egh this really isn't easy.

 

At least talk about how you feel towards him..

 

If you do break up, staying friends would be a very good idea, but tell him to get counselling!

[nottoogreen]

I understand what you all are saying, and I agree that I should break up with him.

But it is definitely easier said than done. We have been together for over a year and he is also my best friend. I might not be attracted to him physically or sexually, but I definitely see him as a friend. So even if we would break up the relationship, I don't know if I could just completely stop communicating with him entirely. I couldn't imagine that.

I am glad he is your best friend, which speaks for both of you.

 

Long term attraction is to the mind, it is called love. Good sex is a bonus.

 

You like to get only the nice things. In short, You are dreamer and a tiny little bit selfish This is really OK

 

And you are good hearted because you think about his feelings.

 

And you are quite smart otherwhise you would have "Mr plastic six pack" who has only what your boyfriend does not have.

 

To give you optimism, softer men like him are often better lovers as they tend to care more about a woman's feeling, you just have to learn together.

 

You could talk to him about your problems and if he cares you too, then you can together improve your relationship and fall in love.

 

Then this can be a fairytale after all!

 

Edited: Otherwhise by all means follow SuperStar's suggestion:

 

It's grossly unfair of you to keep him on as your boyfriend and deny HIM the chance of a painful period of self-growth..followed by finding someone who actually is into him.

[Momene]

Yeah well, I feel kind of very sorry for this guy.. I just think breaking up with him when he has NOTHING to fall back on is a bit immoral and might lead to suicide (sorry that's only what I think, but look how many people tell you to break up with him).. Okay I'm really the guy who has always been honest, but egh this really isn't easy.

 

At least talk about how you feel towards him..

 

If you do break up, staying friends would be a very good idea, but tell him to get counselling!

 

As someone who thought about suicide when my first wife left, it is NOT the responsibility of the partner to stay with someone they don't want to in order to prevent them from committing suicide. The only responsibility is to let someone down humanely. Had I gone ahead, it would have been my fault and nobody else's. On the other hand, I wouldn't have been posting on this board.

[thursday]

As someone who thought about suicide when my first wife left, it is NOT the responsibility of the partner to stay with someone they don't want to in order to prevent them from committing suicide. The only responsibility is to let someone down humanely. Had I gone ahead, it would have been my fault and nobody else's. On the other hand, I wouldn't have been posting on this board.

 

Of course, I can see where you are going here! It really would be his fault, but for myself, if I was her.. I don't know I think I would stay with him for a while and point him to the fact he needs to get his problems solved right away. Get him to go into therapy or something so he has something to fall back on or that could help him get better. If these problems would not stop or lessen within the first few weeks of therapy I would most likely leave him.

[Momene]

Of course, I can see where you are going here! It really would be his fault, but for myself, if I was her.. I don't know I think I would stay with him for a while and point him to the fact he needs to get his problems solved right away. Get him to go into therapy or something so he has something to fall back on or that could help him get better. If these problems would not stop or lessen within the first few weeks of therapy I would most likely leave him.

 

Get him to therapy - YES, good idea but NOT as a partner, as a "caring ex".