Dumper or Dumpee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yeawutever]

If all of you people were given one chose, would you rather be the dumper or the one being dump?? And do tell why??

 

If I was given that chose, I would rather be the one dumping than getting dumped. I was the dumper in my first one week relation (he had bad info) and nope I have no regrets over it. The dumper doesn't go to a lot of stress like the dumpee and they don't have to wonder "Oh what did I do wrong".

 

The dumper nows what went wrong,t he dumpee doesn't. The dumper is more confortable unlike the dumpee who wonders about whether he/she's gonna experience another rejection or get hurt. And finally, the dumper isn't seen as a weak, emotional individual, unlike the dumpee is and overly expresses his/her emotions and feelings.

[PRSOV]

I didn't think anyone actually wanted to get dumped? Most dumpers don't want to hurt the other persons feelings anyway

[alteer]

I much prefer to be the dumper. It doesn't hurt half as much.

 

I've dumped many times........but have only been dumped once and it is horrible.

[yeawutever]

I know most dumpers don't wanna hurt your feeling, but that's better than getting your feelings hurt. I would rather be doing the dumper and maybe he gets hurt than I getting stress out over getting dump.

 

[Hope75]

I think either way it's a sad situation. No one goes into a relationship hoping that it will fail, whether you are the one who admits to the failure or the one taken by surprise.

 

So, neither.

[yeawutever]

Yea it would really suck getting dump, I can imagine I would very angry. Hopefully I never have to experience that, but I dunno, at times I get the feeling that it might happen.

[Cute Band Rat]

Ailec, you will INDEED endure being dumped in your lifetime and believe me when you do, you will have MUCH more compassion when you DO dump someone again....to know what it's like being on the receiving end.

[yeawutever]

Ailec, you will INDEED endure being dumped in your lifetime and believe me when you do, you will have MUCH more compassion when you DO dump someone again....to know what it's like being on the receiving end.

 

Oh man, now I'm more thinking it's gonna happen, hope it doesn't. If I get dumped, he wouldn't even be my friend. They say girls can get over getting dumped more quicker than men because their ability to express their feelings and emotions easily and talk to family and friends about it.

 

Not in my case, I have problem expressing feeling and emotions and I tend to hold them and tend to get mostly angry. And also don't like telling that much, but with writing here, I can do that. I'm more confortable writing than if I was to tell personal problems.

 

[Cute Band Rat]

Ailec, I have been dumped..more than once. Each time hurt BUT each time was easier to get over than the last. If you never experience something, you will never know how to cope with it. Being dumped hurts but it is NOT the worst thing that can ever happen to you....because at least you CAN love again. Being dumped teaches you about being humble and human. There is NO shame in that.

[yeawutever]

because at least you CAN love again. Being dumped teaches you about being humble and human.

 

Love again, true but it'll prollie take another way year or years of that "Getting to know each other" processs, dating, and forming a relation (well only if you're comparable to him/her). Teaches you to be humble and human?? I dunno, I heard some people on T.V. that spend years and they reach age 40 and still no long term, real relation. I hear about people getting dumped over and over again, that it makes me freak out.

 

[Cute Band Rat]

Some people are not good at relationships Ailec. Some people have seriously deep issues for whatever reason..and forming relationships are a band aid remedy for them...they spend years of their lives jumping from person to person because they think they haven't found Miss or Mr Right...when the reality is they should be having a relationship with THEMSELVES first. Some people simply are not EVER happy..regardless if they met the "perfect" person for them. Being dumped teaches you lessons about yourself, who you are, and what you do and do NOT want from a life partner. You can choose to look at it negatively or you can use it as a learning tool.

[yeawutever]

Yea, that's true for sure, some people aren't successful at it. Now I'm wondering if I be good when a real relation comes or bore him to death for running out of topics and not talking that much and still being shy at times. But oh well, maybe being realistic and not having high expectations will do me.

I'll definitely not be a foolish dreamer nor romantist, that's worthless. That's like having too much expectation and saying "I'm gonna marry that person for sure", when you're stress out (even depress) for a while like some people if it doesn't happen.

 

Then off course you gotta be prepare for the worst, you actually marry him/her, only to then find out the spark is gone and either go to separation/divoce, or you get into arguments sometimes. Arguments aren't good either.

[itsallgrand]

I really don't know what to answer for this question.

 

My first thought was 'dumper'. Then I thought about it some more. It's not easy to dump, especially when you still do care for the person and they are of a decent lot. It means being the one to admit that things are not working out, taking a hard stance, and walking away: all of this while being kind and holding back your own intense feelings in order to allow the other to express their emotions, and also giving them the chance to walk away with dignity.

 

If the person you are leaving has hurt you badly, or screwed up badly, or doesn't care, or if you have never cared/no longer care for them: it is easier to dump.

 

It can hurt horribly to be dumped. Definetly.

However, being on that end you have the luxury to indulge in blaming, anger, and not taking responsibility for your own part if you so choose. I've seen it played many times where someone knows the relationship is not working: instead of stepping up to the plate and dumping, they wait for an 'excuse' to blame the other or be hurt, or they wait and sabotage until they are dumped by the other!

 

So I guess both suck. I'd take neither....but if it has to happen, I'd rather it did in whichever way allowed us both to leave with dignity.

[Pheonixpassion84]

They both suck

 

but from my experience id rather be the dumper

 

it doesnt hurt as much in the long run

[yeawutever]

Now I'm starting to wonder how does that spark completely deminishes and to some point even vanishes. There was to be a reaosn, it would suck after to 1 year or 2 years on relation that one of them calls it quite.

 

I can understand if break ups were due to abuse, cheating, lying, but then you keep hearing people breaking up all of the sudden. If it's not those reason I mentions then it "Oh, I need my own space, it's over" or "I'm not feelingt he same way from you". That must suck more than the reaosn above cuz neither you nor the person did intentionally did anything to hurt him/her and no abuse took place.

 

Still in those person, he/she must have done something not correctly or not say the right things needed to be say for the spark to go away, it does not magically disappears.

[Cute Band Rat]

Its called life Ailec. Life, stress, kids, sickness, health problems, some people grow apart, one person may travel a lot and never be around...there does not need to be "abuse" for a relationship to lose its 'spark". It just happens sometimes...even to people with the best of intentions.

[itsallgrand]

That's interesting, Ailec.

 

I was raised to believe: if a relationship isn't working, someone must be doing something wrong, so just keep working at it.

 

So, in my first serious relationship, I was determined not to quit. I thought that with enough work, it would turn around. It didn't, and the eventual break-up turned out to be messy and painful.

 

Now, I don't really believe that anymore. I think, in some cases, relationships just end. No one's 'fault'. Nothing either one did or did not do. Feelings simply changed naturally, or circumstances changed, or one or both person grew apart. The relationship just did what it was supposed to do and ends naturally. Like anything alive, it can die from neglect abuse or even of natural causes! lol.

 

anyways, that's how I view it.

[yeawutever]

Yea it is true Cute_Band_Rat, however I do not want kids, that's not for me, I have made that desicion and made it clear. As for health problems and illness, hopefully I don't have to deal with that either. I never really been that "down to earth person", but yea I gotta admit do some my own insecurities at times only never talk about them, I would rather write here than expressing in person.

 

 

 

[Budman]

I'd rather be the dumper, hands down.

 

First off, the dumper in general is the one that has the issue. Dumpee usually doesn't see it coming.

 

*shiveR*

[renaissancewoman101]

Im my case, I agree with Budman, I would rather be the dumper, since you have less residual crap to deal with. Also, the dumpee usually gets blindsided by the dumper and has to deal with all the residual feelings. Unfortuanetly, even in a relationship that is dying out for me, I still am too nice to be the dumper. In my last relationship, my feelings for my ex had died out about 5 months before he dumped me. I dealt with my dead feelings by pulling away from him and spending very little time with him and constantly criticizing him for stuff. He eventually got fed up with it and dumped my a*s but when he dumped me, I was crushed and I was in pain for a long time.

 

Next time I get into a relationship, I WILL BE THE DUMPER!!!!!!

[kadvati79]

I think its a little bit more complicated than that really. People dump others for many more reasons than the person simply being an a-hole. For example, what about the woman who dumps a man whom she loves with all her heart but he is lazy and depressed and won't change? Does she not hurt? And a friend of mine dumped her fiancee after he had a bad accident, was horribly scarred, and lost the use of his genitals and his sex drive... terrible situation but in the end she loved him but she was young and wanted a family etc... and a sex life. I mean - what a gutwrenching decision to make.

 

Also, dumpers have to deal with regrets. Of all emotions, I think regret is most painful. Hey, I'm a dumpee this time around. And whatever I do, its positive. I can say "what a idiot he was to let go of me" because he forced this decision on me. In the months and years after, peoples lives don't stay wonderful and inevitably people think back to the people who truly cared in our lives yet we pushed away...

[Leigh]

I totally agree with you about the dumpers not always being aholes. I have a unique situation where I was both dumper and dumpee in my breakup a week ago. I was becoming depressed due to the loss of a job and couldn't stand feeling like a burden on my bf while I looked for more work.. The problem was that my bf and I had just moved from another country together 2 months ago with the promise that the biz he was creating with another guy would have work for me (which was promptly farmed out to cheaper labour overseas - but still promised to pick up in a couple of months). So i was resentful for having quit a good job offshore for a job that didn't exist (while my bf, being a partner, was becoming quite successful.) Anyway, long story short, I was unhappy and wanted to leave, but changed my mind at the last - wanted to try a break instead so I could get back onto my feet without dragging him down - and he wouldn't allow it - he said he loved me still very much but that it had to end. So, yes, I initiated it (dumper) but, in the end I was dumped.... Regret AND abandonment together is not pleasant - believe me. Hurts more because i know my bf and I were perfect for each other up until the move (year and a half live in relationship). Anyway, just saying, sometimes it's not always so cut and dry. My ex broke up with me because he couldn't stand to see me upset anymore... good thing he can't see me now!