Hi

[Gracelove]

I haven't been here in a long time.

 

I was drugged and raped while on a double date with a friend.

 

The guy who raped me was her friend.

 

I'm having a really, really, hard time dealing with it.

 

It happened in February. I would have probably continued to go around not thinking about it...however now, I just started seeing a therapist.

 

I had no idea it was so hard.

 

I'd rather pretend it didn't happen at times, as opposed to deal with it.

 

The person was/is cruel.

 

I'm pretty positive I wasn't the first girl, and I'm sure I won't be the last.

 

It's horrible.

 

He went goes to a well-known and well-respected university.

He's involved in a lot of organizations, and it's just a guise.

 

Something he can hide behind, while searching for victims.

 

I can't stand him.

How could you do this to a person.

 

This incident occurred in February.

 

I'm just now starting to acknowledge the severity of it all.

 

He even admitted it to me.

 

I know he thinks he has gotten off scott-free.

 

He planned everything! I can't believe someone put that much time and energy in to hurting someone.

 

It was a first date, ya know?

I had never seen this person before.

 

My friend was hooking us up on a blind date (a double date).

I'm sure he got enough information out of her to know that he wanted to attack me.

 

I'm really hurting.

 

I mean, he's so evil!

 

He even admitted to me what he had done.

 

He didn't apologize for it either.

 

There is just so much, I never stopped to think about. I guess because I chose not to think about it.

 

But he really did a lot of planning. I'm putting everything he did together, ya know.

 

Why would someone do such a horrible thing.

 

It's like he not only violated me, but he thought it would be fun to toy with me as well.

 

I mean he sought out people that I knew and told them we had consentual sex.

So that if I ever felt strong enough to tell people what he did, I'd have to go against his words.

 

If told the friend that arranged the date, he told her I asked for sex, and that I said I wanted it.

 

But then he called and told me that I told him "No". Immediately after that he told me that he thought he should stop, but it felt too good.

 

Then he tried talk me into seeing him again and trying things in one of his sex books!

 

I was in and out of consciousness during the rape.

 

I believe the only reason I even remember the rape is because it was soooo painful!

It's like it shocked me into consciousness.

 

It's so wrong.

 

I know his day will come.

 

I'm just trying to deal with the pain, it's extreme at times.

 

After it happened I became so suicidal.

Everything was just so overwhelming.

 

The only way I can describe the feelings as "waves".

 

It was like I'd be half-way decent. Then I could feel the "wave" rising. Like something you dread, you can't stop it, you know it's coming, and you just know you can't survive it.

 

The only reason I didn't kill myself during those moments was because nothing was around.

I was in my car in a strange parking lot.

 

I had no alcohol, no pills, nothing.

 

If cyanide would have been in arms length I would have taken it.

 

I had taken too many tylenol a little alcohol before ending up in that parking lot.

 

I know that part of me really wanted to live, which is why I ran to keep myself away from things I knew I could use to harm myself.

 

But being alone, sitting still in that car, in that parking lot, there was no where to run.

I even started looking for sleeping pills I usually kept in my car, but they were no more (lucky for me). N-Eways...

 

I almost lost my life because of what this person did.

 

He should be outted for who and what he is.

 

That's all I want.

 

If I thought it would make things better I'd post his name everywhere with "RAPIST" under it.

 

But I don't think I could do that.

I really want to, really badly, but it wouldn't be right.

 

Don't get me wrong, I believe he deserves it, I just don't think it's the way to go about it.

 

How does a person face something like this?

I want to ignore.

It's so much easier that way.

 

It really hurts to think that someone would want to do something like that to you.

 

You know, I think, what is it? Am I just an easy target!

It's not fair.

It's just not fair to do that to me.

 

I had been a survivor of an abusive relationship.

That was the only person I had slept with, and I really regretted that.

The only reason I slept with him (my ex) was because I couldn't fight anymore.

I had been beaten down so, I couldn't fight anymore.

And that's how I lost my virginity.

 

If anyone was protective about their body, it was me.

I mean no one was going to have sex with me, that was it.

 

And I expected my friend to protect me.

 

Not let the guy lead me down the hall to a room when I can barely stand.

I couldn't walk without support!

 

I mean couldn't somebody have done something?

 

It's like there was no saving me. I was helpless.

 

I was in and out of conscious and couldn't feel my arms or legs.

 

I remember certain things he said to me.

 

I told him I was scared, and nervous.

 

And he said "I know".

 

Who says that.

 

How about you not touch me, how about you not rape me.

 

How about you not treat me like garbage.

Like a punching bag...

..how about you not hurt me.

 

I did nothing to him.

 

Nothing at all.

 

I didn't deserve to be raped.

 

And there are sooooo many other things he said and did.

 

My friend told me that he begged her to ditch me!

 

He wanted her to make the two and a half hour drive back to our city, and leave me there with him!!!!!

 

He told her he would "drop me off in the morning"!

 

Can you believe he has the nerve!!!

 

I'm not a dog! I have a say! I mean, how can someone try to decide your future like that. And I had no say. I was out of it. I couldn't say anything!

 

She told me this later.

 

Why! The man wants to decide my future while I'm gone on the drugs he apparently put in my drink!

 

Thank God my friend didn't leave me stranded two and a half hours away from my home, but she did leave me alone with him.

 

She has apologized to me. She told me that she knew we should have gone home. I told her it wasn't her fault.

 

I mean the plan was to never stay overnight anyway.

 

He talked her into spending the night in another city, so he could rape me.

 

It's funny the issue didn't come up when I was lucid.

 

I feel angry.

 

People have offered to beat him up, but I decline.

It's not right.

I wouldn't want people I love and know getting in trouble for beating up a jerk.

 

However I would like for it to happen.

 

But right now I just want him exposed.

Exposed.

I want him to feel ashamed the way I feel ashamed.

 

It's not a good feeling, knowing you've been raped.

 

To make matters worse I'm not speaking with my parents right now, because of how they reacted to the news.

 

I'm not attempting to upset or punish them, I just feel really hurt and confused.

 

They acted like I'd told them nothing important.

 

I mean, it's weird and hurtful.

 

You know how someone responds when you are talking to them while they are watching something really interesting on television?

Like they really aren't paying attention to you, and their "uh-huh"s have no feeling.

 

That's how it was.

 

My mother was even quick to remind me that I was partially at fault.

 

Because I had a little glass of alcohol. It wasn't enough to get a person buzzed.

 

N-Eways, I'm hurting. And it's hard.

 

If my boyfriend wasn't here for me I don't know what I'd do (I met him after the rape and he has enriched my life beyond measure).

 

[alteer]

Your mother should never have told you it was your fault.

 

Did you go to the police? If I was your mother I would have taken you there myself instead of blaming you.

 

Nobody asks to be raped. You didn't deserve it. And if something isn't done about this guy then he will continue to rape girls.

[CluelessGuy321]

Hmm. Should have went to police right away. They could fine the trace drug in your system sooner.

 

Well, all you can do now is file charges. And slap your friend for setting you up on this date.

[coollady1957]

I am sorry you went through such a nightmare with what happened. You should really report it to the police . He will continue to do this to others most likely. You could save someone else from going through this same horrible ordeal.

 

It is good that you have the support of a wonderul boyfriend during this hard time.

[Tigris]

Go and report it to the police!

 

You'll probably find that someone else has reported him too. The more people that do the sooner he gets caught and locked up! Maybe next time the girl might get beaten up?

 

Women should be warned against him.

 

How old are you?

 

Good luck and take care.

[nottoogreen]

It is good you take counseling.

 

Now, please think about how many women he made feel like you!!!

 

How many did he hurt since February?

 

When you go to the police you can ask for a female officer to take your report, so do not be afraid.

 

Before you go think about the timeline, write down what you say and be sure to have your story straight. Keep it simple get it straight and remember it!

 

Once justice it done it will be easier for you to recover.

[teacup]

WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! i read that and it's so so sad.

 

the first time that i had sex, i was messing around with the ex. i mean i really cared about him, but i still wasn't sure. i was so innocent and vulnerable and naive and i trusted him. and even though we were messing around, i still wasn't sure. i wanted to save it for marriage. and i told him "no" and he didn't listen and just pushed ahead with it anyways and i was trying to push him off.

 

and afterwards i cried.....i was sobbing so so hard. and he was grinning and then he said i ruined it all with my crying.

 

and i just dont understand cruel ppl, people who dont care about other's feelings. ppl who dont give a damn. how can they be like that?

 

and i too have noticed that.....some ppl who front like they are so charming, and nice..........can be some of the most evil, deceitful, deceptive, manipulative, uncaring, unfeeling people EVER.

 

and all i've learned is that i want to stay away from those kind of ppl completely and hope i never run into someone like that again. the pain is too much.

 

i was so sad reading what u wrote. so so sad.

 

i too pray day and night that some of the horrible atrocious men that i have met, will be OUTED. that everyone will see their TRUE nature, who they REALLY ARE. that's all i ask for.......that somehow they lose control of themselves and can no longer go around disguising their evil, lies, manipulations. it's so wrong.

 

i went through an abusive relationship too.....the ex was crazy. but he was so nice to everyone else. he faked it good. and that's how a lot of these guys are. they KNOW. they KNOW how they are. they KNOW we're good. they KNOW what they do wrong. they KNOW but they ACT.

 

makes me want to throw up.

 

i just hope that these men either get locked up, run over by a car, get caught in a huge lie and thrown out by all their friends, lose their jobs, become homeless, and just destroy themselves along with their evil.

[mgirl]

I think you should go and report it to the police too. Even if it doesn't stop him straight away, it will give him a damn good scare having the police knock at the door. In court, it will be your word against his. The more people you tell about this the better, because abusers like this pray on silence. You need to expose this guy for the predator that he is. Word will get around and even if more girls do follow him, there will always be a doubt in some people's minds. Things like this have a way of catching up with people.

 

Another thing, about you feeling powerless. Don't take that on. He is the one with problems. Anybody who has to make sure somebody is enbriated before having sex with them is unable to interact with a human on an equal level. By drugging you and having sex with you like that, he is basically saying that he thinks he is unable or unworthy of earning a girl or girlfriend based on his own virtues. But don't take it personally. Rapists choose their victims for all sorts of reasons, including convenience. It is highly probable that he chose you due to convenience, that you just happened to be there, with your friend. So, it is nothing to do with your character. Just remember a rapist rapes to gain power or control over their life somehow.

 

The most important thing is that you do what is necessary to save your self and move on with your life in a happy and positive way. Don't be harsh on yourself. Sometimes these things have a way of catching up with us later.

[Caterina]

I can't imagine that sort of unjust pain...please don't blame yourself. There is no easy solution, and you were wronged. I know that the one thing you need right now is LOVE,and I love you. Is there anyone that you can give and receive love from? Not the romantic kind...You might also want to go to a church, or help the poor in some way...it really helps with healing.

[Gracelove]

Thank you all so very much for your messages and advice!

I truly, truly appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.

 

I honestly didn't know that I could still report the rape.

 

I didn't find out until two days ago that I could have had a rape test.

There was a lot of ripping and I didn't know that they could look at that and tell you'd been raped.

 

I still don't really know what a rape kit consists of, I just know that it's too late for me to get one.

 

I am 22 years old, and this may sound a little weird, but I'm just now gaining independence from my parents.

 

I know that most people I'm around went through that process in their teenage years.

I am just now bold enough to stand up to my parents and tell them that I won't do certain things they request of me.

 

To be honest, I don't know if I could go in and report rape on my own.

I don't feel like I'm educated enough.

 

The rape took place in another state and I'd feel so alone it being me against this other person.

 

And then what if it goes to court. I'm all for that, but I honestly don't feel I could handle that right now.

I'm just trying to make it from day to day and a trial might rip me apart at this point.

 

I don't want to feel victimized again.

I want to be strong enough to fight back.

 

I don't want to be embarrassed and destroyed by whatever may take place.

 

I want to be strong enough first.

 

Maybe I'll make a few phone calls, maybe I'll even call the police department in that state and ask questions.

 

I did report the incident to my gynecologist (spelling?) when I went in to be tested as a result of the rape, so I'm sure he has it written down somewhere.

 

I didn't go to the doctor right after it happened.

 

I slept all the next day due to the drugs and I was still really confused and in denial.

 

I just appreciate all of the advice.

 

I am growing stronger however. I've told two friends who the rapist is.

I really do want to inform people to stay away from him.

 

I am trying my hardest, and doing the best that I can right now.

 

I'm confident that I'll be able to confront him in the future.

[Tigris]

Gracelove don't wait, go now! The reason I'm saying that is because if you look strong then the people in the court could think that you may be lying. If you go now when you are vulnerable then it proves that you are frightened etc.

 

Ask your two friends to go with you. I'm sure they'd support you if you ask them.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Tigris]

If you don't do this now you'll regret it in later life!

 

I'm dealing with stuff that should've been sorted when I was 13. Now I'm 42!

 

Good luck and take care.

[coollady1957]

I agree that the sooner you report this, the better off your case against him might be. I urge you to report this to the authorities promptly.

 

Nottoogreen, was right, that you should get your thoughts and time line together. Sit down and write out as much as you can about the time prior to the rape, and every detail that you can rememeber during and after no matter how vague or clearly you remember.

 

It is truly sad and sickening that someone could do such a thing to some one. He does not deserve to get away with these actions. He needs to be stopped pronto.

 

Lean on your closest friends, boyfriend, counselor, or family that can give you the best and the most support.

 

It was mentioned that your doctor knows of the rape. I was wondering does anyone know if doctors are required to report rapes that they become aware of ?

[Beyondthesea]

You will regret it if you don't do something love. Also, you may have some scar tissue from being raped...go to a doctor and get a pelvic exam and see if there is any residual evidence of his attack on you. If you were torn up like that, you probably do have scar tissue...

[skyblue1]

Go to the police and get him charged. What a tosser!!!

[yeawutever]

There are still nasty pigs here that think it's so cool, yet they don't know nothing goes unpunishment. Charge him right away, if you haven't still, then do so now. Who knows how many girls he done this to and talk about STD's, pregnancies, etc.

I highly suggest to all of you esp. youth here, don't receive a drinkf rom a stranger or people you don't trust. Be with a group of trusted friends and if you get offer a drink, tell them to give you an unponed can you can open up yourself. And when you leave and come back, don't ever drink that glass/

[nottoogreen]

... Maybe I'll make a few phone calls, maybe I'll even call the police department in that state and ask questions.

 

I did report the incident to my gynecologist (spelling?) when I went in to be tested as a result of the rape, so I'm sure he has it written down somewhere.

 

I didn't go to the doctor right after it happened.

 

I slept all the next day due to the drugs and I was still really confused and in denial.

 

I just appreciate all of the advice.

 

I am growing stronger however. I've told two friends who the rapist is.

I really do want to inform people to stay away from him.

 

I am trying my hardest, and doing the best that I can right now.

 

I'm confident that I'll be able to confront him in the future.

 

So your gynecologist knows. Did he not suggest you talk to the police?

 

There must be a rape counseling hotline in your state.

 

If you can not find it, post your state and someone will be able to help you find a hotline.

 

The people at the hotline can help find contacts in the authorities and can tell you whether rape is under federal law or state law, (he crossed state lines with you, isn't it).

 

Also is it possible you find more women he may have hurt?

 

Please you do not have to wait, you will feel much better once you finish this!

[Tigris]

Someone mentioned that you could be torn inside, that is true. I know of a 13 year old girl who didn't report a rape and this week the person who committed the crime is in court due to forensic evidence from a tear!

 

This man is dangerous and could easily start transfering his attention to young girls! Please go to the police.

[Beyondthesea]

Sweetheart how are you doing? Have you gone to be checked over by a doctor? You should also be tested for STD's...you don't know how many girls he has done this to.

 

Not to scare you of course, but it's always better to be safe than sorry right?

 

Hugs to you!

[Hope75]

Hi Gracie,

 

I'm glad you decided to come back and update us.

 

I'm also glad that you are seeking counseling.

 

Please consider the other's advice about reporting this guy to the police. You say you are pretty sure that he's done it before and that he will do it again. You not only have the power to make him pay for what he's done to you, but you can also stop him from doing this again.

 

He's showing no remorse, and that's scary.

 

We are here for you Honey.

 

((HUGS))

[Gracelove]

Thank you guys for all of the information.

I haven't contacted a rape center or hotline, thanks for bringing that to my attention, I'll definitely do that.

I have been tested for STDs and HIV. When I went to my gynecologist (spelling?) I asked him to test me for everything.

Everything is fine, I'm healthy, so that's a good thing.

I didn't know about the scar tissue. I will asked to be checked for that.

I'm learning so much from everybody, it makes me feel better....Like I have a chance of exposing the rapist and hopefully helping to keep others safe.

Thank you all for your support!!! It really means a lot.

[nottoogreen]

Thank you guys for all of the information.

I haven't contacted a rape center or hotline, thanks for bringing that to my attention, I'll definitely do that.

 

You posted here: that they arrested him. Congratulations!. This is really gold news.

 

However, the bad news is that in UK only 5% get convicted.

 

Please go to a rapecenter at once. They can help you to recover and prepare for the courtcase.

 

Please go!

 

Will you go? When?

[Gracelove]

Oh, I'm sorry nottoogreen. I was congratulating the girl on that post.

Her rapist had been arrested and I feel like that's wonderful!

I haven't progressed as much as that girl has.

My rapist is no where near being caught, or arrested (at least that's how I feel).

My biggest step was calling the police at his school and telling them that I had been raped by him.

I still have to make an "official" report.

I just felt really happy for the girl who posted that her rapist had been arrested.

It must feel free-ing on a certain level.

I believe it's a big accomplishment on her part.

But yes, I will contact a rape center or hotline. I feel like the more help I get the better.

I don't know when I'll be able to make an official police report.

The details are really difficult for me to think about, let alone verbalize.

I'm very confident that I'll be able to speak out against my rapist some day soon though.

Right now, everything is a gradual process.

There are so many other issues I have to deal with aside from the rape, like completing school this summer, and where I'll be living this fall.

I'll be out on my own soon, completely. Time is passing so quickly.

I'm starting to remember more details about the rape....you see, I can't remember everything because of blackouts due to whatever drug he put in my drink.

The only way I feel like I could complete school and move on with my life to some extent, is if I surpress memories of the rape.

I feel like I can get through this part of life if I don't acknowledge or think about what happened.

The only thing is......what price will I have to pay for surpressing my thoughts?

Will I continue to gain weight? Or will I stop eating and lose a lot of weight?

Will I go insane? Will I convince myself that it doesn't matter that I was raped and that the cost of justice is too high?

What will I do?

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

So, for the most part I try to think of the small things.

Like.......I'm going to start taking my anti-depressants today, or....I'm going to have to start school next week.

The good things that I believe will occur in my future seem so far off.

I can be a person who deals in extremes at times.

When I'm depressed I'll either eat until I'm nauseated or I won't eat anything and lose 30lbs. in a month or two.

I'll either think about the rape and the rapist, or I'll completely act like it never occurred.

Only......now I'm scared to act like the rape didn't occur. After my suicide attempt and talking to the rapist a day after the attempt.....I pretty much put it out of my memory.

I only thought about the rape 2 times after and immediately pushed it out of my mind.

But then I started having weird emotions.

I would get angry, or feel helpless, or just plain unhappy.

Now...I'm in counseling. And I really want to accept the truth.

I was raped, and no matter how scary or unpleasant it is...it happened.

And yes it makes me sad, very sad. I feel helpless at times. I feel violated. At times I can't even make myself feel mad about what took place, and at other times I can't even make myself cry.

It's like it has become my existence.

I can't even fit in my clothes anymore.

I can't hide in a hole. I can't become invisible.

I'll have to go back to school.

I'll have to see people I know.

And those people will comment. They will comment on how I've gained weight, the fact that I didn't graduate this May, and who knows what else.

A lot of them will actually say these things to my face.

And then what if the abusive-stalker is still at my school.

He used to make fun of me being fat when I was much smaller than I am now.

I feel stuck.

So very stuck.

I'm very fortunate though.

I have a boyfriend who really loves me, and who is very supportive. If not for him then I'd be in big trouble.

I'm glad I have one happy thing to hold on to. It makes life tolerable.

And again I appreciate your support.

Feedback really helps. And sometimes you just need a new perspective on things. And someone to talk to.

[nottoogreen]

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

We on enotalone appreciate your feelings and will always be there for you.

 

I would not go back to this school. Please change schools. You will feel much better. Any way?

[Gracelove]

I wish that I could change schools.

That's probably be best for me.

 

I can't change schools though. I don't have the money to change schools, and my graduation would be delayed by a whole year.

I really wish that wasn't the case.

 

I need to stay away from that place.