Damaged goods, and no warranty :(

[Proactive Paradigm]

It's taken me a while to get round to writing one of these things, but I am running out of solutions to a temporary yet permanent problem. I am sorry if I come off as vague, but it is hard for me to express myself, being a coward and various other things you will find if you read on. Mm, enticing.

 

I feel lost, completely lost. I guess I've felt this way for nearly a decade, but it wasn't until recently that I realised that, well, the grass is greener on the other side, and now I feel like getting off the ride.

 

My life is a mess. I've been adrift for so long, I've got nothing outside of my family - and I feel stuck there. I have been on depression treatment for almost 6 years without anything really working, though I am due to start counselling in the next month (yeah, why have I waited this long?). Four years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger's, meaning I lack things like empathy, tact, eye contact, etc. I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety as well, not severely, but enough to unsettle me. My university stint was a joke, ending with a diploma that carries as much clout as Monopoly money (I am considering returning in the new semester). Jobs always screw up for me (last one ended in February, still looking now); I have spent a fair bit of time sick.

 

Social life? Barely. The more I am around people, the more I realise that this world just isn't a place I fit into. Always on the outside. Never anything more than the person you want around to feel better by example. Even the few friends I have, that I want to keep hold of so desperately, I can't even get close to because I have a fear of being near people and them wreching my heart out... again. More than that though, petty jealousy is killing me inside. Not just of the priveliged, of _everyone_. Yes, everyone has problems, but just about everyone I know who might have problems tends to have a partner or someone else they can confide in, get a hug, whatever. Nobody seems as lonely as I am. I don't think any of my so-called friends give a damn the second I am out of sight. Oh, yeah, no girlfriend here, not in a long time. Being ugly and a jerk combines with the problems above to make a pretty good people deflector. It gets better; I have a few physical health problems (I'd rather not go into right now) that pretty much cement my loner status for life.

 

I just really don't want to be here. Life isn't enjoyable, and the steps to correct that seem so fruitless and doomed to failure. Spot the pessimist. Unfortunately for me, there are several things in the way of me removing myself from the world - as I said, I'm a coward; it takes a certain amount of bravery to take your own life, no matter what they say about it being the coward's way out. I see it as a permanent solution to a permanent problem - apart from depression none of the ailments I have can be cured (and I doubt even the big D can be either).

 

What do I want out of life? To be normal? I realise that such a statement is foolish, but if you don't have AS, you'd never really understand it. Or if you do, heh. I just want to stop this overwhelming jealousy that has a hold of my being. It is ruining the few things I have. That, and my fears of the past coming to destroy me (story for another day). I'd love to have someone special in my life, but I realise that until I get myself sorted (if ever) that is neither feasible nor fair on the victim. It just seems that a life lived without sharing it with someone is pointless. Hell, right now I'd settle for a friend who could just give me a hug and tell me I'm not all that bad, despite the fact I am. I stupidly thought I had that recently, but at least I learned something: optimism is not for me. It is selfish and idiotic to think that someone will come along and save you - I no longer believe it will happen, but it'll stay a dream for however long I have left.

 

So that's about it for now: no job, no prospects, pretty much no friends, no appeal as a human being, and not much desire to go on.

 

Ain't I just all smiles and sunshine?

 

Am I even salvageable?

 

 

 

If you read all that, I thank you.

[xtina75]

First let me say that I sorry to hear about your difficulties. While I don't have AS I have battled depression and social anxiety for many years and have recently started to come out of it.

 

This may sound trite but I am a firm believer that your outlook paints the world around you, ergo you become a self fulfilling prophecy. If you think you are a jerk you may be perceived as a jerk. If you believe you are on the outside then you quite possible dwell there, albeit mentally.

 

There are many caring people in this world. I'm sorry if I sound like miss mary sunshine but you have to stop being so hard on yourself. You are not alone. And there is nothing wrong with asking a friend for a hug. She or he may not realize you need one. And you are right, no one is going to come along and save you. You have to save yourself. I didn't start to heal until I realized this and started doing something about it.

[jessicadon]

I know it's probably not the answer you're looking for, but you have one thing, and you will always have it, and that's the love of Jesus Christ. He will always forgive you, and always love you. I am not trying to push my religion on to anyone, but sometimes thats all you have.

 

By the way,

 

You aren't all that bad!

 

Sounds like deep down, you have a good heart, and just want what everyone wants.

[phillygal]

So sorry you feel this way. Please do not think of yourself as weak or a coward. I've been there as well. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you're in your mid-twenties that might explain some of your feelings of hopelessness. It's hard being in your twenties especially mid-twenties because you're done with college and you're faced with all these responsibilites you never had before. Basically you're forced to "grow up" and you're trying to find who you are as a woman or man.

Just know many people feel the way you feel, i think the counseling will help you alot. You'll be able to truthfully voice all your concerns, sadness and anxieties to an unbiased person who should be able to help you. In the meantime, feel free to pm me for any reason.

[tylercdurden2004]

Are you getting treatment for your Aspergers?

[Proactive Paradigm]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It means a lot to me. I had a lot of trepidation about posting because I figured I'd just be ignored or dismissed.

 

 

 

I've been told to stop being hard on myself by a few people in the past year. I suppose I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I know everything about me, so I know that I am truly a monster, but nobody else understands. And to fully explain to them would be a great way to have them run. Can't win.

 

Perhaps I do need to ask people for a bit of affection, but everyone just seems so.... cold. I know, hypocrisy, but for so long now I've felt... abhorrent, and a burden on people's time.

 

Unfortunately, when it comes to saving myself, I can't see a solution. But your words ring true.

 

 

 

Thank you. Thank you so much. It's been such a while since I've heard anything like that personally.

 

 

 

You got my age guessed pretty well there. I do find it difficult to believe that many people suffer the kind of problems I do - sure I know there are people worse off, but I'd still rather be them if they got to feel more than a fleeting moment of happiness or the closeness of a special somebody. And thank you for your offer, very much.

 

 

 

Alas, there isn't much treatment available really. There are some suppot groups available which have helped, and I have read up a lot on it. I have also reflected on my past behaviour, especially recently. I feel that I have grown a lot in the years since my diagnosis - I have done some really, really stupid things these past 6 years, but I feel that I have started to 'mend' myself and my ways. Some things will not heal, some damage will never go away, but I wish, I just wish that I could start anew and become somebody worthy of camaraderie.

 

Again, thank you all.