How I Know I'm Healing

[dnl940]

I just wanted to share my thoughts as to how I know that I'm healing after a difficult breakup. Hope this helps someone. For quite a while I struggled with the "whys" of our breakup. Why did she betray me? Why did she say she loved me but then go and do the things that she did? Why doesn't she feel about me the way I feel about her? I beat myself up thinking that I had done something wrong, or that worse there was actually something wrong with me that drove her away. And then I started to accept the fact that we weren't going to be together. And then I really started to understand my love for her. And the "whys" didn't matter anymore. I have come to the point that each day that I wake up I find I love her a little more than the day before, because she helped me experience a feeling for another person that I had never felt before.

 

I desire for her to truly be happy whether I am a part of that or not. I don't care whether I have contact with her or not. I tried to force no contact at the beginning because I didn't want to know what she was doing for fear that I would be jealous and feel an even greater sense of loss. But at the same time I craved that validation that she really meant it when she said she loved me. That was complete selfishness on my part. I find that it doesn't matter now how she feels... I trust that at the time that she told me that she loved me, she really felt it, and it doesn't matter to me now how she feels about me. Nothing can take away those moments from me now. I truly desire for her to be happy, and would do anything to make that happen, and I really don't care if she knows this or not, all that matters is that I know and feel it.

 

I now find myself wanting to share this feeling with another because it is such a powerful feeling, but never wanting to settle for less. I know that I am healing because I know that I feel a true love for another person on a level that I had never experienced before, and I don't care if that person returns those feelings to me or not. But I want to feel this way again and experience the same in return and I'm ready to look for it now. The feelings and relationship that she and I shared will always be a part of my life, and they have helped me realize my capabilities even more than I knew before I met her. I am truly thankful to have experienced that with another person, and I look forward to the day that I not only feel that way again about someone, but that I find that soul that will feel that way about me also. That is when I'll know that I have truly found the "one". We all think at times that we have found that "one", but if we are alone in feeling that then the partnership is not a true partnership. We will have found the "one" when the feelings between two people can mesh together to become one.

 

Acceptance is a powerful emotion, and it really paves the way for true healing and true feelings of love. I look forward to the day that others on this forum can find their acceptance that what they felt was real, and just because the other person does not reciprocate those feelings anymore, doesn't mean that they didn't truly feel the same way.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

That is a beautiful story. The acceptance thing is key. It can be sooo hard to let go of it when you love some one. You might even allow yourself this thought it has worked for me. I don't have to stop loving him in order to go on with my life.

 

For me, it was one when one day I was out driving around with some friends, and the Don Henley song "The Heart of The Matter" came on. I heard the lyrics, "I'm thinking about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore." And thought 'that's how I feel'.

[blueangel]

You are a clever person. You are self aware. Even when you were beating yourself up, even that shows you have self awareness- that you want to try. That in itself is very attractive.

 

Too often do we hold onto the bad. It gives us an excuse for never trying again and so we don't recover. You love her anyway and that shows great maturity and depth and beauty in your soul. Now you deserve someone who can appreciate it because that type of thinking makes a person very special. That type of thinking is too rare.

[kellbell]

dnl,

 

That an awesome post. As you know that acceptance is very hard to get to but once you are there...it is worth it. I am so glad to read you are in a better place and you were able to articulate how you feel in a nice and thoughtful post.

 

Well done!

[Dako]

I'm glad to hear you're improving. It takes a long time to get past all that turmoil but you're doing well.

Trying to channel that love to another person is a big undertaking. Be careful.

[dnl940]

Thank you all for your responses. (KellBell once again I feel cheated because I didn't get "hugs")... Dako, I understand that I am extremely vulnerable right now, but at the same time I am so excited that I feel like I have a better understanding of what the word "love" truly means. Will I find it with someone else? Who knows. I have and do experience it with another person right now, and it doesn't matter to me that she doesn't feel the same way, or maybe she does, I don't know and it doesn't change my feelings for her. I know that some of you may remember a little about my story... this ex g/f that I am talking about is pregnant with my son. And I was very angry about the fact that we weren't going to be together anymore with this happening. But now, I think about her and all I feel is a sense of pride (not sure that is a great word for it) that I will be able to call her the mother of my child.

 

I have come to respect the decisions she made. I have come to understand my heart a little better. I know that the person I fell in love with is going to feel true love for our son, and I am a better person for having known her, and I find her a truly amazing person. I know that our son will be a miracle in both of our lives, and that each of us deserve to experience the joy that he will bring us.

 

There was a point when I was using this forum quite often, and thinking all I really have to talk about is my problems. I don't know if my advice will help anyone, but I am at the point now that I think my experiences have given me a much better understanding of what others are feeling too. I feel like maybe my advice could be worthwhile now, and I will be happy to post my advice and opinions to others, because the advice and opinions that you all gave me, really helped me move forward in the healing process. Thank you all. I know that there is still a long way to go yet, but I am well on my way.

[Dako]

You really have a handle on things. I know it's not easy, but loving your ex is probably going to help you heal faster. Anger and recriminations are just baggage. You must be a giver.

[deejay74]

wow, what a great post. i love reading these, it gives me hope as i am not completely over things yet. i admire your strength to get through this tough situation life has dealt us.

 

thanks for sharing your story.

[Entomon]

Thank you very much. Your post inspires HOPE in those of us who are still trying to find answers to the "whys" of breaking up.

 

I remember reading a short article on breaking up in "Teen" magazine when I was much much younger about a young girl having a hard time letting go. Then one day, she received a keepsake box from her ex-boyfriend. In it were movie stubs, love notes that had been passed between them in class and just silly photos of them during their happier times together. With that, she came to accept that although they're no longer together, at the time, he cared and loved her.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I remember reading a short article on breaking up in "Teen" magazine when I was much much younger about a young girl having a hard time letting go. Then one day, she received a keepsake box from her ex-boyfriend. In it were movie stubs, love notes that had been passed between them in class and just silly photos of them during their happier times together. With that, she came to accept that although they're no longer together, at the time, he cared and loved her.

 

Ugh...that story kind of depresses me. I have such a box. Right on top it says "Allan". Got a pop can lid in it, letters, concert stubs, same type of stuff. Had that box for about 12 years now. If I ever got one back from him, ugh, well I just wouldn't want that to happen.

[dnl940]

There is no box big enough for me to fit all of my great memories of our relationship into. The closest thing I have is my heart. Thanks to all of you for your kind responses. I just hope others can get to this point and really cherish the love that we shared and not the bitterness and disappointment of the loss. It is so much easier to face the day and enjoy those around us. We work so hard with our relationships, and not just the romantic ones, to feel bitterness towards them is to sell short your own feelings and worth as an individual. Cherish the love and effort that you put into the relationship and embrace the other relationships that you have built. This will all help lead to a better and stronger you.

[temujin]

Did she cheat?

[Oldboy]

There is no box big enough for me to fit all of my great memories of our relationship into. The closest thing I have is my heart. Thanks to all of you for your kind responses. I just hope others can get to this point and really cherish the love that we shared and not the bitterness and disappointment of the loss. It is so much easier to face the day and enjoy those around us. We work so hard with our relationships, and not just the romantic ones, to feel bitterness towards them is to sell short your own feelings and worth as an individual. Cherish the love and effort that you put into the relationship and embrace the other relationships that you have built. This will all help lead to a better and stronger you.

dnl940 you are a genuinly genuine guy. It's a pity your loved one is not aware of the dignity with which you are bearing your loss. I understand what you are saying. The love of my life left me recently after a year of going through some difficulties with our marraige. She is in love again and still loves me. (So she says) but I'm happy if she's happy and at the end of the day we had many many years of love together. And like you say nobody can take that away. You will always be her first and true love wherever she goes. Dont worry she will know this.

[Orlander]

I have one too...a big box (heavy too). I shipped it to my father's and will pick it up one day.

 

I'm a ways off from acceptance. I hope to be there one day soon though. I hate to keep the future love of my life waiting like this.