A rant that may help those about to break NC

[majord23]

This is a bit of a 'pep talk' I penned to myself when I was feeling weak. I was considering all sorts of actions to re-appear in my ex's life and to be honest, I needed a kick in the 'A' to snap me out of it. When I tell people that they need to get a little angry, rather than be submissive - this is what I mean. Step back, and see the situation for what it is, not what you *want* it to be.

I hope this helps someone....it helped me, and I'm now back on track

 

Rant:

 

My ex dumped ME without a second thought, she didn't want to 'work on things' for a few weeks despite her feelings having seemingly changed so suddenly

 

She knows how much fun we have together, how much her friends like me, how good I treat her. She knows that I am good for her...and most importantly - she knew all that, YET she still let me go without a second thought.

 

SO, why the f*** should I be planning ANY sort of action to get her back?

Why should I be drafting emails to ask her to meet up?

Why should I be planning to appear at her work to remind her of what I'm like?

Why should *I* be making ANY effort at all?

 

Quite simply - I shouldn't.

 

I didn't put a foot wrong in the relationship...so what exactly am I trying to prove? She's had the best of me, and she threw it away.

Why should I feel like I have to make amends for something?

Amends for what? For being too good to her? F*** that.

 

This shouldn't be my battle to fight...I shouldn't have to prove to her that I deserve a second chance, she should be fighting to prove to me that SHE deserves one.

 

Having looked back at what we had - if she doesn't miss it and want it back without any 'prompting' from me, then is she really worth the effort?

Is it worth the risk of making myself look submissive and clingy?

Is it worth the risk of having my heart ripped out...when there is absolutely NO need to put myself at risk again in the first place?

 

Shouldn't *I* be the one that decides whether I want to give her a second chance?

So why should I feel like it is up to ME to ask if SHE wants to try again?

This should be MY decision, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give her a chance to make it again.

 

Do I want to lose my self respect?

 

No f*****g chance.

[onmyownagain]

I agree, stop chasing after you wife. If she wants you back she will have to come after you, this is what happened to me. But, be warned, if you did get back together, it is no walk in the park!

[HardShowingAffection]

I hear what you are saying majord23. In the fact that you tried everything you knew how to do, and you thought things were pretty damn good.

 

I agree in the fact that you should not go crawling back, asking for another chance. However, the one thing that I will add is that things drifted apart and you split for a reason. Something went wrong. Something was missing that was previously there.

 

While you might not think any of your actions contributed to this, I would highly suggest that you think again, and take a deep look into yourself. I was in a similar situation, where I thought I was doing a kick a** job and giving my ex everything that she wanted.

 

It wasn't until she left that I really sat back and looked at everything that was going on, and looked at how I might have contributed to the problems we faced. I read ALOT. I am still reading. I have been on a self-discovery mission that has changed my life around.

 

It takes two. Your actions, whether negative or positive contribute to your relationship in ways that you don't even realize. To recognize that, and the things that you do, and how they steer your relationship is key. Read up man... you won't regret it. Alot of it makes sense when you hear it from someone else. You don't see many things because you are in the middle of it all.

 

Trust me, you won't regret it.... do some self discovery, it will help you immensely! If you need some recommendations, let me know, I have plenty.

[majord23]

Thanks HSA,

Your words aren't lost on me mate - I am a huge advocate for learning from break-ups and analysing our *own* behaviour in regards to what may have contributed to the downfall of a relationship.

 

This post isn't about relinquishing that responsibility at all. I am not proportioning any more blame on my ex for the relationship's downfall than I do on myself. My situation certainly opens itself to allowing that to happen however...trust me

 

But this post was more about me getting to a stage where I realise that any more action on my part (in terms of breaking NC and seeking reconciliation) is futile.

 

I needed to remind myself of that in no uncertain terms - that's why it is 'angry' in it's nature. I needed to tell myself just what I would be risking in breaking NC - losing my self respect and banging my head against a wall. It is about realising that my fight for reconciliation is over and any quest for a second chance should come from her - not from me.

 

I have my pride, I have my dignity, and I have grown. I just don't have her - I am realising that is a pretty good swap. Having her, with the risk of losing the other three, is pointless.

 

The pain that I feel now is related to me 'planning' and 'plotting' my next move. That is something that is completely self-inflicted...and as a good friend of mine reminded me the other night (echoing an old post of mine) "She's out of your life - she can't hurt you".

 

I am growing and learning HSA - don't be deceived by the content of one post

[HardShowingAffection]

Good to hear majord23. I wasn't trying to rain on your parade... I just want to reiterate the importance of investing in yourself. Too often I see problems where people like to blame and think they are not at fault, or that they do not contribute to the problems.

 

I think that one you have grown, once you have made YOU a better person, then you are off running in the right direction. It definitely helps you move on, and feels really good.

 

Stay on track! Good luck!

[mikeca]

amen to that. people tend to forget themselves in a relationship atleast I did, it became us/we instead of me first..(well more like her first heh) and i ended up losing her and myself. The only difference now is I can be sure i can get myself back. but her I dont know.

[sukerbut]

major you are right..i did everything right...and till last month i chased her..what the F!!! does she have to offer me..i gave her my all.(love , support, entertainment, shelter, vacations, gifts)..everything i had and it still was not enough , but since i am an idiot i chased..wrote letters..boo hoo come back i lvoe you, i changed..changed??? why do i need to change your the nickle and dime * * * *!!! seven months i belittled myself to this kid...yes she is a kid....i inflated er head so much and for what...so i can be ridicouled and humiliated to her friends and family by her...i wish i had my dignity back..i learned from my mistakes the hard way...to think that once we were in love..what a joke...and for hard showin affection, sometimes you become someone you are not becasue you are dealing with a self centered monster that eventually breaks you and makes you become this ugly and clingy unsecure person...sometimes you get so infatuated that you froeget whom you are..and the only reason you have become this bizaro you is becasue they made you liek that...i got bamboozled. BAD!!!

[enolaton]

Major,

 

Not to get off topic, but was just curious on your current situation. I seem to remember you contacting your ex not too long ago. I'm sure you would've reported anything new, but any news? All is good?

[majord23]

Major,

 

Not to get off topic, but was just curious on your current situation. I seem to remember you contacting your ex not too long ago. I'm sure you would've reported anything new, but any news? All is good?

 

Yeah mate, thanks for asking - all is good.

 

No news with regards to the ex. I sent a friendly email wishing her the best a few weeks ago and left it at that (a short 'goodbye' email if you will). It felt right at the time and still does. I didn't get a reply (didn't expect one) and I'd like to think the chapter is closed.

The reason I say that I'd 'like to think' it's over is because I still have days that are quite intense - although they've become far less frequent. As long as I keep NC, I'll be fine.

 

Planning and plotting is my downfall - even now, there are moments when I think "I'll just do this"...once i start thinking like that, the anxiety increases and I take a step back. I had a couple of days like that - which was the catalyst for this thread. I needed some 'tough love' from myself lol.

[deejay74]

Planning and plotting is my downfall - even now, there are moments when I think "I'll just do this"...once i start thinking like that, the anxiety increases and I take a step back. I had a couple of days like that - which was the catalyst for this thread. I needed some 'tough love' from myself lol.

 

oh man, i am right there with you on this one.

 

for instance, i am in the process of making a new drum n bass dj mix that i am going to upload to my homepage when i am done. i am gonna send an email to all my friends when complete and i was thinking about including my ex in the email in hopes that she downloads it before she goes on her trip. she and i are very into the electronic dance music scene and i know she's gonna be hitting up all the clubs while she's in london, and drum n bass is very popular there (for those who don't know). i am hoping that a. she does download it and b. if she does, i hope she's constantly reminded of me when she hears drum n bass in london. i never made her a mix when we were dating, although i planned to but then she dumped me, so who knows.

 

anyway, i broke NC like majord did about 3 weeks ago. i sent a very similar email to my ex and of course she didn't respond. so now i have to really think about whether or not i want to include my ex in that mass email i'll be sending out when my mix is done and uploaded. i have some time to think...

[Mavh25]

what about those who split up for mutual reasons but realise their mistake? what about those who split up because they got a job opportunity abroad... what do they do if they want to break nc?

[majord23]

what about those who split up for mutual reasons but realise their mistake? what about those who split up because they got a job opportunity abroad... what do they do if they want to break nc?

 

I'm not following you mate?

[Mavh25]

Just, you were saying that basically you thought of the bad things, like the fact that SHE dumped you (correct me if im wrong)

 

I was just wondering, what should people do, if they are about to break NC when their relationship broke up because it simply had to, mutually, and NC is being done because it hurts alot to talk to the other. When they dont really have anything to focus on except the little arguments they had a coupla times, or they simply cant remember....

[vesper]

Hi Deejay74! GREAT ATTITUDE here!! You are sounding super super positive, and powerful ,hmmmm I like it

 

You better send me a link to that mix too. You know I can't really IChat at work anymore...I was goofing off too much and got in trouble for it. but I am back on enotalone to stay in touch with my friends that I have made here and contribute as others have helped me so much!! When you go on that tour, you better put Austin on your city list, you know I am gathering my dj's together, so far got house with DJ JEffery, progressive hard house with amosjames, dj berlin on breaks...DEEJAY 74 on drum n bass and maybe friscodj will come back and he spins hard trance. I will be spinning too ha ha aminae on ........................................

[vesper]

This is a bit of a 'pep talk' I penned to myself when I was feeling weak. I was considering all sorts of actions to re-appear in my ex's life and to be honest, I needed a kick in the 'A' to snap me out of it. When I tell people that they need to get a little angry, rather than be submissive - this is what I mean. Step back, and see the situation for what it is, not what you *want* it to be.

I hope this helps someone....it helped me, and I'm now back on track

 

OMG, majord23, sorry, wasn't trying to hijack thread, just was so excited to see deejay74 get 'angry' and be in the position of power for once over his ex!!!

 

Thanks majord23, thanks for helping us all 'snap' out of it....