How do YOU cope with loneliness?

[blender]

If you want to draw someone special into your life, then first become someone special yourself, you are a good writer Kevin T and you sound very thoughtful, if I were you, I'd go donate my time somewhere, yeah I know it sounds corny but when you feel like you can't "help yourself" than helping someone else is the next best thing, when I was going through my depression someone suggested that I go to a nearby hospital and "donate some time"... I was like, "c'mon I'm too depressed to help anyone else"

 

but finally one Saturday morning I walked into a local hospital and asked about the "donating my time" at first they just gave me a pamphet, I thought, "oh brother this is way too complicated" and then I asked, "could I just read the paper to someone who can not see?" and they said, "sure" a couple mornings or evenings a week for three hours.. or you can read to the children too, or tutor them on reading...

 

and ya know what it really helped, even when I didn't feel like going, I just would force myself, even when my back hurt and I was so tired, and sad, I would just go, and I started to feel better, patients look forward to me coming by and we shared stories, hopes, sadness and dreams.. and I got better, and you will too, it's about choosing to do so.. reach out and help someone else..

[tmp0620]

I'm shy. But not without good reason.

 

Heck, if you get rejected by even girls you aren't attracted to, where does that leave you with the ones you DO like?

 

So does that mean you don't talk to any of the girls you see?

 

Do you ever go to bars or anything like that (that's what I plan on trying as soon as I turn 21 - stupid American drinking age...)?

 

Do you feel lonely because you feel like you're too shy to meet anybody? Cause that's why I feel lonely.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Well I think you need to beat it into your head that if you will get no where if you don't TRY. If you ever get into the situation of having a conversation with a woman and she isn't trying to get away from you, ask her for her number otherwise you will never see her again most likely.

 

I think you have to pay your dues to get anywhere in life. Everything is a trade off..EVERYTHING. If you keep trying and fail over and over, eventually you will succeed at it, atleast when it comes to attracting a woman.

 

I think most shy guys, never try, so they have 0 percent chance of success. Don't try to hard, learn to become humble and not care, and then go for it if you are interested in someone.

 

You gotta go after it though, sitting around and being sad all the time won't get you anywhere. No one said you can't get discouraged, but you gotta work through it.

[Kevin T]

So does that mean you don't talk to any of the girls you see?

 

Do you ever go to bars or anything like that (that's what I plan on trying as soon as I turn 21 - stupid American drinking age...)?

 

Do you feel lonely because you feel like you're too shy to meet anybody? Cause that's why I feel lonely.

 

Answer to the first question: Pretty much.

 

I don't drink, nor would I want to be with someone that does. So that is out. Period.

 

Answer to your last question: Yes. That's it.

 

 

blender, I don't honestly have the time to donate. Between working full-time and going to school full-time, it just simply isn't there. I can't volunteer at church anymore since I am so busy. (So much for people saying being busy fills the loneliness gap, because it doesn't. It just makes you busy AND lonely.) lol

 

 

So, you're saying I should just ask out every girl I see until I get a yes? That would be way too much rejection for a shy, sensitive, ego-centred person such as myself to endure. My ego would take such a thrashing that I'd want to quit after the 5th rejection in an hour. I don't handle rejection or disappointments well.

 

I'm not sure if all shy men have no chance. There are girls out there who actively pursue guys... and get them. That's what I call an "effortless victory."

 

I see what you're saying, but I've come to the point where I honestly think if I try it won't even matter anymore. Try as much as you like, but if no one likes you, then no one likes you. As trite as that may sound, it's true. Trying when you have no chance of success is foolishness, I think.

[tmp0620]

"Try as much as you like, but if no one likes you, then no one likes you. As trite as that may sound, it's true. Trying when you have no chance of success is foolishness, I think."

 

Once again I feel like an idiot giving someone advice when I am in the same situation, but someone does like you. You aren't unlikable (some people are unlikable, but you're obviously not one of them). If you ask out 10 girls in a week at LEAST one of them will say yes. You're ego might take a knock the first few times you ask girls out, but you'll forget all about it when one of them says yes.

 

Saying that no one will like you and that you have no chance of success is unrealistic and delusional by the way. Even I don't think that about myself.

[Kevin T]

Yes, the one that nobody else wants that will only dump me in a week once she gets to know me better.

[tmp0620]

Yes, the one that nobody else wants that will only dump me in a week once she gets to know me better.

 

Why would she dump you once she got to know you? You don't think you have anything at all to offer?

[Kevin T]

A "friend" of mine last year once told I had nothing to offer a girl.

 

Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. The bottomline is, given my personality, he may well be right.

[tmp0620]

You think you could explain? Please?

[Kevin T]

Let's see... as much as they say it doesn't matter, most women value looks as highly as men do, which is a lot. That, right off the bat, leaves me ineligible.

 

I'm obviously extremely clingy and needy, I get jealous easily (probably why I lost my fiancee in the first place), I expect perfection from the other person, I insist upon wanting to spend time with the other person, I'm extremely shy, boring, uninteresting, dull, clumsy, I always spill food on myself when I eat (hey, it's true; no one likes eating with a slob), I tend to inadvertently talk down to others, I'm insecure with myself, I have low self-esteem, I have an addictive personality, I am rather impatient, I hate dancing, I have difficulty maintaining eye contact, I am extremely moody and emotional, I am impulsive, I'm opinionated, I am stubborn, I...

 

Get the picture?

 

Hey, you asked.

[tmp0620]

Let's see... as much as they say it doesn't matter, most women value looks as highly as men do, which is a lot. That, right off the bat, leaves me ineligible.

 

I'm obviously extremely clingy and needy, I get jealous easily (probably why I lost my fiancee in the first place), I expect perfection from the other person, I insist upon wanting to spend time with the other person, I'm extremely shy, boring, uninteresting, dull, clumsy, I always spill food on myself when I eat (hey, it's true; no one likes eating with a slob), I tend to inadvertently talk down to others, I'm insecure with myself, I have low self-esteem, I have an addictive personality, I am rather impatient, I hate dancing, I have difficulty maintaining eye contact, I am extremely moody and emotional, I am impulsive, I'm opinionated, I am stubborn, I...

 

Get the picture?

 

Hey, you asked.

 

Alrighty. Point #1... I don't know what you look like but I guarantee you there are people who are 5 times worse looking than you that have great relationships. I have body dismorphic disorder though, so I know where you're coming from. I look in the mirror and hate what I see a lot of the time.

 

As for all of the rest: Work on it... if you know that you are needy and clingy then either be aware of it and concsiouly try not to be or find someone else that is also needy and clingy. Same with being jealous, if you know you are, try your best to counteract it. And again... same with talking down to people, you just have to be aware of it. You already got close enough to someone for them to be your fiance, you can't be THAT bad. A lot of the things that you hate about yourself might also disappear once you have someone that's interested in you. Self confidence might come back, you'll be able to think of interesting/funny things to say etc.

 

It's really not hopeless I SWEAR. Look around you, people do get together, and you seriously can too.

[quietgrl]

KevinT,

What do you mean "I expect perfection from the other person"?

[Kevin T]

I'm very picky. I expect the other person to be flawless, which is obviously impossible. And arrogant since I brazenly have so many flaws myself.

 

 

As for the rest, I believe that a lot of my minor flaws would dissipate if I found someone. I've learned from my mistakes, so maybe I wouldn't be so jealous or condescending anymore. I suppose I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago; that young kid who thought he knew everything. I demanded too much, and so, maybe I would be more accepting of flaws and faults, I don't know.

 

I can't say either way, since it's been so long since I've had a meaningful relationship.

 

I see myself as a goblin because that is most likely how girls see me. I see nothing wrong with myself, though I am quite thin (but that doesn't really bother ME); however. It must obviously bother them, unless it's something else, repelling them from me.

 

Maybe I have really bad BO and don't know it? *shrugs*

[quietgrl]

Kevin,

 

I see we have something in common.I have this "Say what you mean and do it "thing with people.Most people break their promises with me and I get very upset if a person doesn't keep their word with me.

Hey be glad you had one meanful relationship with a woman.I never had one wth a man.Men end up overlooking me because i don't have casual sex.

[Kevin T]

Odd. I wouldn't date a... girl, if that's what you wish to call her, who wanted "casual" sex. I could only give myself to someone I truly loved and cherished.

 

Thing is, that will never happen again. I'm sure of it. This whole "you don't know" thing is kind of getting old, really. No one can say it WILL happen again, that I find someone great, either.

 

And you're right: At least I had someone great once. I guess all I can do is live out my happiness of my past in my mind over and over again until I die. (That wasn't sarcarm BTW.) At times, I honestly wish I still was with her... at least then I was genuinely happy. It was the happiest (almost) 2 years of my life.

 

If we really do have soul mates, then I probably already met mine and lost her. That being the case, doesn't really give me much to look forward to. Does it?

[Hannibal]

I ask you this...

 

Whats wrong with going to bed alone?

 

Theres no one to kick you in the night, steal your sheets, snore, make it to hot in the bed. The list goes on.

 

As for dealing with the loneliness

 

Why is it so imperative that you get into a relationship?

 

That wont solve any of these problems that you speak of.

 

You need to be happy being on your own before you can ever hope to be happy in a relationship.

 

Next time you're out for a walk, stop and smell the flowers.

Doing that simple act has helped me tremendously when ever I'm feeling bad. It really opens your eyes to all the beauty there is in the world.

 

Learn to enjoy it my friend.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I wouldn't sit around waiting any more, I'd go outside and look. Rather die knowing I'd tried.

 

I'd also realise my attitude would repel most members of the opposite sex for 100 miles around.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Masturbation. Oh, and soft music.

[Kevin T]

But what about the emotional longing, Kyo? I hate being single, not because I miss sex, but rather because I miss the romance that came with having someone special.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

But what about the emotional longing, Kyo? I hate being single, not because I miss sex, but rather because I miss the romance that came with having someone special.

No, I was kidding about the sex. You know, I was a chronic masturbator until a few years ago. Now it's lost it's luster and has no meaning at all because of the loneliness.

 

And because of World of Warcraft, but that's another story.

 

How do I cope? I give myself a false glimmer of hope. When I see two strangers near me snuggling or kissing, I leave the area. Sometimes I fart before I leave, just to let them know how I feel about their affection in front of my face.

 

I ask you this...

 

Whats wrong with going to bed alone?

Occasionally, or every day of your life.

 

Theres no one to kick you in the night, steal your sheets, snore, make it to hot in the bed. The list goes on.

And there's no one to cuddle with, say goodnight to or say good morning to.

 

As for dealing with the loneliness

 

Why is it so imperative that you get into a relationship?

I can't speak for him, but as a 33 year old man who has everything out of life except love, what else is there? And there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.

 

That wont solve any of these problems that you speak of.

The problem Me, Kevin and other lonely guys have is not having romantic love in our lives. A puppy won't fix that. A 72" TV with every gaming console won't fix that. A successful career is satisfying, but it is not complete without love.. Who is there to share your success?

 

You need to be happy being on your own before you can ever hope to be happy in a relationship.

I don't believe that. So many people use that but how does that work. If it's -44 degrees outside, is it right to say that you should be able to tolerate the cold with short sleeves and shorts on before you can even consider dressing up to protect you from that cold? We know what it feels like to be cold, and it sucks. We want our coats, even if the inside is wrinkled and soemtimes it gets too cold even for the coat to warm us. All we know is that coat will come through thick and thin. If not, we can get another coat.

 

Next time you're out for a walk, stop and smell the flowers. Doing that simple act has helped me tremendously when ever I'm feeling bad. It really opens your eyes to all the beauty there is in the world.

I see what your saying here, but appreciating life doesn't substitute for desiring a relationship. I do take the time to walk in Central Park during sunset. I go to the pier or the waterside to watch the sunset. I go out to Times Square and soak in the nightlife, the hustle and bustle of the city and the various people who clutter this great city of mine.

 

But when it comes to love, none of that fills the empty void. It doesn't even tickle the surface. All I'm doing is sighing heavily as the sun beams in my eyes. A beautiful but sad portrait.

[Kevin T]

Wow, just wow.

 

Summed up my feelings to a TEE. There is NO substitute for a lover. Having all the money, prestige, fame and success (in terms of a career) is utterly meaningless when you have no one to share it with. You come home to an empty mansion (let's say) and cry yourself to sleep. No way for anyone who has such a big heart to live.

 

Kind of odd, Kyo. I often take time out to stop and observe the beauty of nature. I love watching the sunset, sitting by the river, watching the water, smelling the fresh air and soaking up all the beauty of God's creation. I'm a real nature person. But, as you said, it doesn't substitute the place of a good woman. C'mon, how could it? Truthfully, nothing does.

 

I often just end up lamenting the fact that others around me (as they often seem to flock to me; I get there, it's empty, within 10 minutes, there are 15 people there usually) have someone to share the experience with. I used to go on dates and we'd observe the beauty of natural things like that all the time. It was so nice watching the sunset by the lake on a summer night. *sigh* Now what do I have...? What do I have to look forward to?

 

Coming home to an empty apartment, with no one to sleep beside. Who gives a damn if she steals the covers? At least she will be warm. I'd gladly be kicked by her if it means she's winning in her dream, taking up space in my bed? Hah, I would insist that she fall asleep in my arms (oh, how I miss that!) Hannibal, you and I are at odds in this area. I basically believe the complete opposite of what you said.

 

It would be like not driving a car because you're afraid of getting into an accident. Or not driving a car because you don't like paying for gas, so you choose to walk. Seems kind of silly to me, since you gladly do those things since the benefits far outweigh the costs, IMO anyway.

[Dako]

Great post, KO.

That's a mature and honest view of being lonely without lapsing into fairy tales or bitterness. I'm impressed.

[Kevin T]

I think I'm a nice mixture of both worlds. lol

[Rainz]

I've read this thread and thought I can relate to so many of the posts regarding being alone and loneliness.

I've been single and dating, for what feels like too long, going through dating/relationships, break ups, starting over etc

 

Nothing can substitue having someone special to share your world with romantically.

 

People always say just love yourself etc but I agee that there's only so much you can do alone, enjoy alone and experience alone, it's so much nicer shared.

 

I don't even know how I get through the loneliness either, I think I just go into some sort of over-ride mode and just focus on getting through my daily routines at this present moment.

[Dating Coach]

The first step is becoming comfortable and confident with yourself. When you no longer NEED someone else to be happy... when you no longer fix your happiness on some outside source, you then will find happiness within yourself. When you are confident and happy with yourself you will then draw others to you because you are no longer that needy unattractive weakling, but someone who accepts their own great worth. That is personal magnetism and people will be attracted to that.