when a guy doesn't get the hint

[btbt]

Hi All,

I've have this situation with a fellow that my friends set me up with. He doesn't live in the same city, but we've talked on the phone, e-mailed and met once. He's a really wonderful person but I didn't feel the connection. So in a nice way I told him that I was really busy at work and didn't feel like I had the time to travel and see him etc. etc. However, he kept calling, e-mailing etc. I didn't want to just blow him off because he's a great person and good friends with my friends. But he kept calling and I didn't want to lead him on, so I was upfront and said that I do not want to be in a relationship with him right now. His response: Okay, we'll see how it goes. I'll call you later. ???? Well, he laid off for a few weeks, but now he is calling, IMing etc. I haven't picked up. How do I give him the message? Like I said, he's a great person and I also don't want to hurt my friends' feelings because they think highly of him too.

[phaseone]

I'd give him the friendship speech, or mention that you are just like the brother you never had.....or if you have a brother, you could mention that you wish he was your brother instead....that should turn him away.

 

Thats probably the most diplomatic way to do this without bluntly telling him you're not interested.

 

Good Luck!

[itsallgrand]

Tell him the truth. If you do want to be his friend, say so, but make sure to tell him you are not interested.

 

You should have done it sooner. Poor fellow. His feelings are gonna get hurt no matter what. Make it a clean end. It's kinder.

[kristo]

Hey btbt,

 

I agree wth itsallgrand's comment.

 

But he kept calling and I didn't want to lead him on, so I was upfront and said that I do not want to be in a relationship with him right now

 

You inadvertantly led him on here, even though your intentions were good. He thought he had a chance with you in the future. I used to be that guy, so I know how he feels. On the same token, I've also been in your shoes.

 

The friendship speech or hoping that he will take the hint won't cut it at this stage unfortunately. You need to be straight and direct with him now.

 

Best,

 

K¬

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

When it comes to people and feelings, despite your intentions, trying to give people "the hint" is never a good thing. You should have told him straight off that you think he would be a good friend, but that's it. I know it sounds cruel to do that, but honestly, it's crueler to him if he doesn't get the hint and thinks all you need is time.

 

Good luck and tell him how you feel. No more hints..

[Dating Coach]

Hey guys, here is a lesson. Now you see how dense you can be when yo do this to a girl. What have I always said, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! Her ACTIONS are totally screaming "NOT INTERESTED!" but her words are "I am not ready for a relationship with you right now" This guy, like so many others, don't get the hint and they think that maybe there is still a chance. NO! Here is your lesson. Now maybe you can see it from a woman's perspective. Girls don't like to flat out tell you so they say stuff to let you down easy, but their actions are completely in line with how they really feel.

[btbt]

Hey thanks, everybody! Just to be clear, I didn't lead him on. The first "I'm really busy" may have not been straightforward, but even though he kept calling, I returned probably 1 out of 10 of his calls, and this only to respect his relationship with my friends. As DiggityDog says, my actions spoke louder than words. True, I could have been clearer, so that's what I did next: Isn't "I'm not interested in a relationship with you right now" clear enough? Maybe he invested too much meaning in the "right now," but do I have to say "I am not interested in a relationship with you, never was and never will be?" I agree that either way he will be hurt so I have to be as clear as possible, but I think he's also setting himself up to be hurt more by not reading the signals or even the clear statements!

 

Thanks all.

[Lansing]

Well... I think by saying "right now" you let him believe that your feelings may change... You could have just said "I am not interested in dating you but you seem like a nice enough guy so I wish you luck" or something like that....

 

And you are sure he was asking you out on "Dates" as opposed to hanging out as friends?

[Luke Skywalker]

No, I think 'right now' sounds like you are not interested in a relationship at this time, but there is a possibility that you may in the future. You are saying that you are simply not ready, or maybe you are not comfortable, and just need more time, but then you'll be alright.

 

It's more 'hurtful' in my view, to give people false hope, rather than being upfront with the issues right away. If you just tell someone, please do not call me again I'm not interested, sounds allot better than giving any form of hope to someone who is obviously interested in you. Some girls are different and not everyone communicate in 'hint' language. You are not giving any hints - you are giving 'mixed messages'. If you are upfront, the shock may last for 24 hours to a day or so, but it's gone and over with. This way, is lingering on for days, weeks and months, and it's a bad idea.

 

You tell that guy, right now, that you are not interested in him, and this good friends stuff is a load of BS, no need to insult him with clichees like that, he'll get the message.

 

Gosh, what is it with you girls, you cant just say 'I'm sorry, but I"m not interested, but you are a great guy, if I find someone who is, I'll refer her to you"'. Practise that line.

[Ross_K]

Well, it seems strange how he said 'okay we'll see how it goes' when you told him you wasn't interested in a relationship right now, and how he's kept on calling and I'Ming you.

 

I think you've just got to be straight with him and tell him you only see him as a friend.

 

If he still keeps pestering you, then you've just got to tell him to stop.

[btbt]

Hey, thanks all. Next time I'll bring my lawyer, just kidding

 

But I have to take issue with Luke Skywalker's "what's up with all you girls" comment. It takes two the tango here. I agree that the "right now" comment might have given him hope, but why focus on the phrase that was meant to soften the blow? Why read *into* that and not read clearly the stuff that came before it: "I'm not interested in a relationship with you"!

 

I'm not denying that for someone who wants to harbor hope that the "right now" comment can be misleading, so lesson learned for me. But fellows, give yourself more credit -- surely you can understand more than blatant language. Anyway, thanks y'all. Don't mean to start a controversy here, but like I said, it takes two to tango! One more thing -- practice the line: "I'm not interested in you, but I'll refer you to someone else who is." When have we suddenly become matchmakers for those we've passed on? I think that's pretty insulting to the guy.

[Dating Coach]

Isn't "I'm not interested in a relationship with you right now" clear enough? Maybe he invested too much meaning in the "right now," but do I have to say "I am not interested in a relationship with you, never was and never will be?".

 

For inexperienced guys with no self respect like this guy, yes. Not just tell them that, but you also have to totally shut them out an dnot talk to them because as soon as you start talking to them again and being nice/friendly/flirty/etc they will be right back into the palm of your hand thinking that maybe you changed your mind. It's pretty pathetic but it is very common. I did this stupid crap too when I was younger. Guys just don't get it.

[monsieur]

But fellows, give yourself more credit -- surely you can understand more than blatant language.

 

 

You are looking at it from the wrong way. Put yourself in the shoes of someone that is wanting someone with all of their heart, if you don't use completely blatant language, their hearts will have hope and will lead them in the direction of hope. "Softening the blow" is always a bad idea, if you throw in ambiguous language, the soft heart with hope will always cling to the tiny bit of hope that your softening words give them. How can you blame them... when their heart wants nothing more than to be with you, you have to be very careful to not lead them on at all. "Softening the blow" is actually cruel in the long run.

[Dating Coach]

That is true monsieur, but it also is a bit naive and weak. Just like the article talking about "oneitus" described. Falling that hard for someone with whom you've never had a relationship experience with is childish. People who do that are more in love with the idea of a relationship with that person, not the actual relationship because they do not know what that is like with the person having never experienced that with them.

A normal healthy individual does not get to this point. They understand that all people are equal and if someone doesn't want them then that person isn't the person for them. They don't continue to fall in love with the idea of being with that person because that situation isn't going to happen as their crush doesn't feel that way for them. They move on, as any normal mature adult would.

It's a serious problem when someone falls that badly for someone with whom they are not even with and can't let go of that idea of a relationship with them-even beyond rejection. It shows that the person really has low self esteem, self confidence, self respect, etc. which is probably some of the main causes for why they have trouble to find someone to begin with.

 

These girls shouldn't have to be so blunt and rude to these guys. These guys should be able to pick up on the situation, accept the rejection, and move on with their lives.

[monsieur]

ok, but 'should' and the reality of what happens alot are two different things

 

If the girls want to continue with the 'soft words' and semi-ambiguous language, then that is their choice, but the way many guys will take that is not in doubt, and even if it is totally logically their own faults for having very hurt feelings, the fact remains that their hurt feelings are true

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Just tell them straight up. Hurt feeling or guilt complex, you'll both be better off in the long run.

[monsieur]

yep, straight up is the only way, and DON'T add in the little extra comments that you think will soften the blow.... when a guy hopes with all his heart his mind will dwell on the nice words and you will be inadvertantly leading him on... it is just the way it is

[btbt]

Okay, good advice. Just a side note, in "He's Just Not that Into You," it's all about teaching women how to read cues and mixed messages (i.e. great dates but no phone calls in between means he's not that into you, move on), never a word about guys being clearer. Funny how this conversation revolves around telling the woman that she should be clearer. Time for someone to write, "*SHE'S Just Not that Into You." I think Diggity Dog has around written it!

 

I say all this with a grain of salt. Many times I've been on the other side, interpreting little comments and hanging on to shreds of hope when the writing and actions were on the wall. So, now I've learned how to be a better rejecter as well as rejectee!

[tylercdurden2004]

As a general rulel you should look at how everyone acts and not necessarily what they say. People can tell you anything and its foley to think that eveything said to you is truthful and honest. Yes guys are more blunt than women when it comes to speaking. Trying to transalte how you talk with your drinking buddy to how you talk with a woman is silly. But again you have to look at the bigger picture and not the little things. Each word and each little action are meaningless if taken out of the context. Learn how to contextualize things and pay attention to the bigger picture. If someone is really into you than tehy will do things over and over again that make that apparent.

 

Hangin on to one little action or word again is crazy. So what if she asks you out for dinner once. So what if she says not now maybe later. If shes into you she will want to do things with you and she will make it clear if you pay attention to the bigger picture and not get hung up on the minutia.