What are good rules for being on break...

[cacain119]

My boyfriend and I (of about 4 years) got in a big fight -- it started over something petty, but then turned into a real "evaluate our relationship" moment.

 

We went running tonight, but took a different path (we normally run on a track) -- and I am asthmatic, and started to drag behind. He was so happy about the pace he was keeping that he just kept going even after seeing me hold my throat and chest at the 1mi mark. He said he stopped after the 1 1/2 mi mark to wait for me and see if I was okay, but at this point, I had turned around and taken a short cut back home (I didn't have my inhaler on me and I just needed to get home). He says this was my way of "sticking it to him" and then he just left my place in a rush before we were suppose to sit down and eat with my parents. He didn't call until 10pm (and we had run about 6) telling me he was going to bed. I had already felt "ditched" when we were running so him just leaving and not calling til 10pm left me feeling even more "shoved off" -- I called him back and told him I needed a break. What would make a guy just leave you like that, knowing your weaknesses and seeing you struggle?

 

Am I wrong for wanting a break after something like this? (My asthma is pretty severe and he is VERY aware of the problem...) What are some good rules of a break -- I don't want to see other people, I don't want HIM to see other people, he's just very caught up in work, etc, and I would like some time to step back and evaluate things.

[xmrth]

Do you really feel like you need a break, or are you mostly still mad about him not going back to help you?

 

Do you ever make your asthma a bigger deal than it is? Even if it's a big deal, but I mean do you ever exaggerate some of the time? That's the only reason I can think of him not staying behind, or maybe he thought you'd be able to catch up as he said he was waiting.

Do you feel like you need more attention than he's giving you? Because you say he's caught up in work after describing the night that brought you to this. He could be giving you more attention than you think he is, it's possible. Those are just some things to think about while you take your step back to evaluate.

 

I think a break is just limited contact and you don't see eachother either at all, or much for a little while. From a week to a month, but you know, only take a break if you really truly feel the need to. Be sure this wasn't just "in the moment" and that it's really necessary. I guess I'm saying that because you sound unsure if it's worth it over the incident itself.

You also can't completely control the situation or what he will do during it, especially if you call it a break, so you can have a certain idea in mind of limitations, and discuss them with him, but you can't really control what the other person is going to do.

[cacain119]

I appreciate your honesty, it's what I need. Actually, HE makes my asthma a bigger deal than it often is, but to be perfectly honest, it's been getting worse and worse and worse, and I'm finally coming to the point that I myself am taking it seriously. He has always taken it seriously. But you brought up some good points, nonetheless.

 

What made me wonder is the fact he took off, left me AND my parents hanging after they invited *both* of us for dinner, didn't call ALL night, even just to talk things out -- he's acting VERY apathetic, and I'm wondering if this relationship is worth it. Someone/something needs to call him to the carpet, and this is my concern and why I'm wanting a break.

[xmrth]

If you feel it's what needs to be done, is to have a break, maybe consider trying to talk about it more first. I don't know how much you have already, but I would say having more to reflect on and less to figure out will help you come to a conclusion.

 

By how you describe he's acting, it sounds to me like there could be a reason that could be helped. Of course not everything can be, but personally I would find out some more from him about his feelings and evaluate as much as you can before calling it a break.

[renaissancewoman101]

Xmrth, asthma is BIG DEAL. You can die from an asthma attack if you arent treated properly for it or have access to an inhaler. I have asthma pretty severe to the point that I take several meds a day to keep it under control. If a bf of mines saw that I was lagging behind and having trouble breathing and still kept going and didnt care to come back to check on me, I would be REALLY UPSET with him because it would show that he didnt care about me.

 

That incident plus the incident with your parents makes me think you should take a break from him. During your break, you guys can agree not to see anybody else, but to reevaluate your relationship. Maybe he will come to his sense after some time away from you.

[cacain119]

he's hardly ever willing to "talk things out" -- his idea of that is like tonight. He just likes to shove things under the rug and HATES the fact i like to talk things out. He feels it just drags on and on and on...

 

I don't know how to communicate to a person that despises open communication...

 

edit: thanks renaissance -- not many people have it like I do, so I appreciate your empathy... I try to go outside my bounds and it puts me under sometimes, but I appreciate xmrth's attempt to analyze the situation. Keep strong

[renaissancewoman101]

Open communication is ESSENTIAL to having a good relationship. I would be a bit concerned about the relationship if he didnt want to communicate and wanted to brush everything under the carpet. Maybe try talking to him about how the lack of good communication in your relationship is causing you to have second thoughts about the relationship.

[cacain119]

how can i bring that up without making it sound like an ultimatum (he HATES those)

[xmrth]

Xmrth, asthma is BIG DEAL.

 

I never said it wasn't a big deal, hun.

 

If you re-read that post, I am asking if she was making it a bigger deal than it was, ie. if she was saying she was having an attack when she wasn't, or making it sound worse than it was at a time or another, which she responded wasn't the case.

[RayKay]

Sometimes the petty things are just the straws that break the camel's back. The 'straw' that ended things between my ex and I were his total impatience with my cycling one day, he was being a complete jerk. Honestly I was ready to end it with him, but he beat me to it when I had changed my mind! LOL.

 

I will say this though...the petty things only become a big deal when there is something serious going on in the relationship, a toxic undercurrent of sorts, and the "petty thing" just brings it all out.

 

Though I can't say him not turning back for you when you had an attack is "petty" - that is common sense, respect and compassion. Oh, and the right thing to do. My partner and I are very outdoorsy and athletic too, and there is one thing you don't do, and that is leave someone in that kind of danger behind, ever. I know the feeling of a great run too....but sure as heck if my partner is in trouble I will postpone finishing that run until later! I don't know, just raises a huge red flag with me that he acted that way.

 

Communication is essential. Otherwise honey, your relationship isn't growing or going anywhere. Couples don't bond just through good times, they bond through working things together too. You should be a team in this relationship.

 

It's not an ultimatum to tell him you are concerned about this aspect, and want to work on it. Not sure a break is good, because it is not really having you work through things, though I can see space to cool down as wise sometimes. In circumstances like that, it really should be a mutual decision and discussion as to what the break means, and when you are going to sit down and talk about things together.

[cacain119]

I appreciate your input. He is just SO hard to talk to -- he gives me this "OH, so you wanna talk things out.. oooookaaay, let's taaaaaalk thiiiiings oouuutt" -- Very sarcastic, very unbecoming, very hard to work with. And it upsets me, and makes me not want to talk things out.

 

Unfortunately, we communicate great through other mediums, I just wish we could communicate better verbally.. i never feel we're on the same page. Tonight was a great example saying *i thought we agreed we'd stop after a mile and a half* -- but he didn't tell me that, just that he wanted to go over a mile... And that was the CAUSE of the whole thing...

 

I'm sorry for ranting -- but thanks for all of you who are listening, and commenting, you guys are really the best.

[friscodj]

My feeling is surely something more is going on here than what you wrote. Something has caused the relationship to reach a boiling point.

 

The problem is, after 4 years, a lot of resentment and residual "stuff" can build up. Your best bet is to have a serious "sit down" and give the relationship a good housecleaning. Have the emotional yard sale and see what's left at the end of the day. Easier said than done I know, but it sounds necessary. I would let the emotions cool down from this one event first.

 

Now for the question about a break, I think first and foremost you should be identifying and addressing solutions to problems that caused you guys to take the break. Think of it like this: your car isn't running well or worse yet, broke down. What needs to be done to get it running again in good order? How much will it cost to fix and can you afford it? What are the chances it will break again? Are you better off walking to a new dealership and buying a new car? Do you even really like the car anymore or are you holding onto it for sentimental reasons? All tough questions only you (and hopefully your boyfriend together) can answer.

[DN]

A couple of point for you.

 

First about the asthma attack. What he did was not cool but you said

Actually, HE makes my asthma a bigger deal than it often is,

If you have been telling him that maybe that is why he was not making it a big deal this time.

 

I also think it is a mistake to say you want a break if you are really trying to make someone pay attention to you and what you want. Be very careful if that is what you are doing rather than really wanting a break for it's own sake. In the first place, it's passive-aggressive behaviour and secondly it can really backfire on you - he could easily say he would prefer to break-up.

 

I agree with the others that you need to talk this through.

[Momene]

I don't buy this "break" business. You're together or you're not. Clear the air and decide to stick it out or break for good.