Being more balanced in temperment

[Celadon]

Sometimes I look at other people, and it seems like they are able to shrug off all the little stuff that can get me down in life. I've got a fairly sensitive temperment, which is nice when I need to do something artistic, but kind of a pain when trying to deal with people and life.

 

I think people with more balanced temperments size up what situations are worth their thought and which aren't. Unfortunately, I feel like I don't have that filter.

 

For example, last week I was at an event with group of people, including a guy friend with whom I've had some history. We never dated, but we've had some interesting -- not always good -- times together. What happened was that I felt like he was ignoring me. Otherwise, the event was a good one. Then I was talking later with a good friend, telling her about the event, and I felt like I HAD to tell her about my guy friend ignoring me. Then I hung up the phone and asked myself, "Why did I focus on that? Why couldn't I just let it go or shrug it off?"

 

I don't have any answers for that.

 

What I do know is that it doesn't really matter why he was ignoring me. It wasn't a major problem. It could have been a handful of reasons, including that I rejected him a few years ago when he was interested in dating.

 

I really admire people who have more even temperments. It seems like they're happy and energetic and get stuff done and relate well to others. I don't want to be a pain to others. I don't want to be the person who everyone says, "Oh, she's really serious and talks about her problems a lot. She's not the happiest."

 

So I guess I'm asking for advice on how to have a more balanced temperment. Or more specifically -- any tips on how to think through minor annoying situations so that I no longer feel I NEED to tell someone about it. That would be really helpful. Anyone got ideas? Thanks.

[Dako]

Practice doing nothing. Nothing is often an appropriate response to things. Some people can't do nothing, and flit around.

 

The traffic light changes, and the following car honks. That doesn't make me go. Someone rams me in line with a shopping cart. I stand there.

Someone screams at me at work. I stare at them waiting for them to blink.

 

This might sound weird to you type A folks, but it serves me well.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Hrm. Good question.

 

It's a slippery slope here.

 

If something is annoying you, well by damn, you have every right to be annoyed!

 

That doesn't mean you have an unbalanced temperment at all. I cannot stand people who answer their cell-phones while they are in the middle of a conversation with someone. I think it's hella annoying. Other people don't seem to mind. Contrast that with a few nights ago, a friend came over and accidently broke some glass decorations that were a xmas gift from my brother. He felt bad, but I said "it's okay. Accidents happen."

 

My point is that just because other people don't find something annoying, doesn't mean something is wrong with you

 

Why do you think, you being 'overly sensitive'/'unbalanced temperment' makes it hard for you be energetic, and relate to others?

 

now as for the burdening your friends. I don't think its a burden, but if you recognize that you have a tendency to focus on negatives, be conscious of it, and work at not focusing solely on those things. If you do start to focus on annoyances and you catch yourself, think to yourself "Whoops, I'm focusing on things that I have every right to be annoyed by, but I don't need to focus on how lame that situation was." And move on. I think with practice, you'll start to see that all along you were one of those happy, energetic, easy to relate people.

 

If not, you can help me beat up all the people who drive while talking on their cell-phones

[itsallgrand]

Dako's got good advice.

 

Just don't act on it. Observe your own reaction. Don't act it out or tell; just watch. All feeling is fleeting.

[Celadon]

Well now, Dako and itsallgrand, that IS rather zen. But I like it. Until I read your post, I hadn't realized I *was* reacting. Yup, call it a Type A blind spot. I don't want to deny what I feel, but observing the feeling isn't denying it, I suppose. Hopefully, I can learn that I don't need to "legitimize" my feeling by having someone else validate it.

 

LostInMyThoughts, thanks for the word that I can be annoyed if I want to! I like your idea of trying to become conscious of when I'm frustrated and when a situation really is just lame.

 

About my saying I'm sensitive, it's because feelings can and do control me. Some people seem way less frustrated and annoyed than I can be. Things genuinely don't bother them; they're more thick-skinned. They don't waste their time wondering "how come so-and-so did that?"

 

Yeah, maybe deep down I really am one of those happy, energetic, easy-to-relate-to people. I hope I am.

[mmmending]

I think people with more balanced temperments size up what situations are worth their thought and which aren't.

 

for many of us, this is likely what really is at issue.. we attempt to "think' our experience rather than live it..

 

i remember once watching a friend taking another friend to task on something and at one point leaned forward exasperated and said something like "you've invented this reality in words and all you're doing is talking about the words!!!".. this stayed with me as it seemed really insightful

 

pause for a moment and see if what in fact you're reacting to is something you've actually lived or are living, or is it something that you've anticipated, or constructed in your mind..

 

i see myself reacting to any manner of passing mind states which if i really look at them, have nothing to do with actual experience/living.. it's just thinking..

 

all that is really happening is me spinning off into some story that exists only in my mind.. i try to control my experience.. in the end all i can genuinely do is live it

 

at the same time, i'm not advocating that a person go about their business without thoughtful reflection

 

the great wisdom in dako's advice about doing nothing, is that it gives pause for reflection to see what "really" is going on.. no one ever remembers what you didn't do

[Celadon]

Wow, so much great advice tonight! mmmending, you've got a really good point. If I am in a situation in which I feel slighted by someone, does it really matter? Has something actually happened, or am I only afraid something MIGHT happen? Sometimes my defenses are so easily triggered; I'm on guard and ready for a fight, instead of realizing that nothing's happening ... life's okay.

 

The weight of what has actually happened is so much more tangible anyway than mere possibilities. Most of the time, this is the reality we've got to live with. When my guy friend ignored me, yes, that "happened," but ... it wasn't an active action, so I guess I in turn can ignore him.

[shyanne]

I felt like I HAD to tell her about my guy friend ignoring me. Then I hung up the phone and asked myself, "Why did I focus on that? Why couldn't I just let it go or shrug it off?"

i think sometimes it helps people feel better if they talk about problems or things that bother them. a good friend wouldn't complain about how many problems you have or why you feel the way you do.. they would listen and try to give you honest opinions. sometimes you may not like what they say but you asked. a good friend would also keep it between the two of you. only a bad friend would complain about your problems to others..

 

that's why lots of people are here, because it feels good to get things off your chest and tell someone.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yup maintain your "Kool" as your name says! Your behavior or reaction is more problematic than how you actually feel. Its all good to feel what you feel or "want" to feel but its how you react that matters that determines the outcome. For example I find when under "threat" from someone I kinda let them vent what ever issue they have and often they nail there own coffin.

 

I love reading your posts here cause I think you are very insightful and you seem to come to an understanding very quickly. I am very confident you'll get this figured in no time. I think you'll see you dont or cant change an aspect of your personality but you can control how that effects others, your behavior.

 

I look forward to it!

[Celadon]

Thanks for the advice, shyanne, TCD! Today was challenging at work, but I kept my cool and at one point took a walk when I was feeling irritated by a co-worker.

 

After work, I thought about what mmmending said, about focusing on what's real and trying to let go of what's not. In this situation, I've been thinking "what has actually happened?" rather than on "why is my co-worker such a jerk?" I've decided it's his problem, not mine. I don't need to think about it. lol.

[melrich]

I see both sides up close. I am generally a very calm person, it takes a lot to get me to react. My partner is the opposite, she is more like you Katie, though maybe even more volatile.

 

I love that about her and i would never say which is the better way to be. The only comment I would make is that when my partner loses it the reaction she often gets from people (friends and family) is "Oh that's just Mel."

 

When I lose it people take note.

 

I think it is a good lesson to learn, pick your fights, don't be the boy who cries "wolf".

[Dako]

I seldom get angry and am very calm, but when I lose it it's not pretty, and sometimes I scare even myself.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Temper can come in many flavours.

 

I've never physically assualted anyone in my home or even sworn at them, but Bipolar AntiLove has reduced parents to two truly scared people. It's about the look on a face, the body language, the violent aura rather than actions actually carried out.

And no, I'm not proud of that. It takes precious little to get me to that point, unfortunately. Am trying to improve, however.