NC - what does it feel like for you?

[onayrb]

Dear everybody!

Since most of the (very useful) discussion in this forum area is about how maddeningly difficult it is to maintain NC, I thought it might be interesting to get views on what it feels like?

 

My situation does not concern a break up but instead more of a f88k up (excuse the languauge) where through a couple of silly mistakes I have caused a definate driving away of the one I love. She has not been in touch with me for three weeks (she is away travelling for a long time but no emails texts from her in this last 3 weeks out of the 3 + months she's been away). This indicates she is either annoyed with me still, has found another or just does not think of me anymore. Obviously not knowing which if any of these is the reason for her NC is driving me nuts but I am determined not to contact her in case it pushes her further away and is wrongly timed.

 

For me the sensation is a generally very dark empty feeling which is complemented frequently by any single thought, memory or reminder of her causing a sharp almost physical pain and longing which then deteriorates in to a bleak vision of no hope for the future and then often a panic feeling of needing to make contact (though I stil do not). Then loop that round again and again throughout the day. To be honest, when I wake up each morning it takes a lot of strength to get out of bed and face another day of such mental torture.

 

Anyway -I think it would be interesting to hear a brief summary of other stories (or link to the thread) and a description of how it feels. I think there is some relief to be gained by sharing what are probably common feelings or thought patterns.

[coldheart]

When I first started NC it felt harsh because it's something that I never applied to any one of my previous relationships. However, now that I am entering week 6, things have sort of began falling into place emotionally. I am able to think more clearly about me, what I want out of life, and what I think about the relationship with a clarified mind. Right now I am content and think I have made a ton of progress for only a month and a half. I expect to continue my way forward, although I am aware that good days will occasionally be acompanied by a couple bad ones...

 

-CH

[majord23]

Good thread.

 

Typically NC for me is a turbulent time. And these are the phases I generally go through...not always in this order, and always flipping from one to the other...back and forth

 

1. Confidence: because I know that it is something that I have to do and that it will benefit me in the long term.

 

2. Hope: hope that NC will make an ex come to their senses, sometimes I think it is a tactic by my subconscious to prevent me from breaking NC. Regardless, hope is horrible when you just don't know how it's affecting your ex.

 

3. Worry: that NC was the wrong step. Worry that maybe I should have 'hung in there' a little longer with contact and maybe the ex would have seen the light and wanted me back.

 

4. "Eureka moments": Moments when I am CERTAIN I know just the right email to send, just the right phonecall to make, just the right action to take to get her back. It's almost like "Why didn't I think of this earlier???". These moments are the one's where breaking NC is most tempting...thankfully my resistance has grown over the years because these revelations are only effective in theory.

 

5. Sadness: getting to a point of realisation that NC is not bringing my ex back, and that it must be used for it's intended purpose - to heal myself. I stop having "Eureka moments" and start grieving...because I know in my heart that it IS over.

 

6. Acceptance: eventually getting to a point where I know it's over, and while still being a little sad about it, knowing that the break-up (and the subsequent NC) was for the best.

[onayrb]

Hi majord23,

I can relate to most of those. I like the term "Eureka moments". I had one of those when out for a walk at lunch today and during the walk composed the "perfect" email in my head. Luckily by the end of the walk I'd realised that it was yet another way of doing exactly the same thing as all the other emails I'd written and not sent this week (seeking reassurance -driving her away further). So that was binned. If you've got time (I've seen your advice in other threads and you seem on the right wavelength) - please take a look at my thread and see if you have anything to offer: ( )

I must also add that being in NC, the whole world that buzzes around (at work in shops etc) sems distinctly far away, muffled, unimportant and rather irritating - possibly drowned out by the more painful noise going on in my head. I look forward to hearing how it feels like for others.

[kellbell]

Although I was the "dumper" in my recent relationship...NC was hard for me too. It was excrutiating for the first few weeks. I felt so horrible for ending the relationship, the pain I caused him, what he must be going through. I wanted to call and see if he is okay. But it would have been selfish of me to do so. It would be only for my benefit and not his. I cared enough for him to leave him alone, let him be mad at me (he had a right to), and let him deal with the break-up in his own way.

 

To all the dumpees, NC is hard for the dumpers too. I know in my experience, I second-guessed my choice a lot in the beginning. I was scared. I was plagued by sentiment and wanted everything to go back to normal. But my ex and I were not happy. We wanted different things. It was the best thing for us both for us to go our separate ways. NC is hard for everyone involved.

 

Hang in there everyone. It does get better.

[karchino]

NC is very hard too do but it is all for the best....

[onayrb]

Karchino, I did read it just now. Yep, NC is for the best. Hang on in there -you're doing the right thing. I think Blender's posts are excellent. Follow her advice. I like the idea that you get better/stronger without even noticing it at first because of being so wrapped up in all the turmoil..

[Mrocza]

I think NC is necessary to heal. At first, theres the obvious transitional loneliness, but once you get past that, or atleast once it doesn't hurt as much, you begin to really evaluate the relationship, the why's and how's of it ending and be able to rationalize it yourself.

 

I think it's important to detach oneself from the situation in order to truly assess your wants for yourself. Leaving any relationship is difficult, because, even if ended on terms you agree with, it still gets lonely because it's such a change, you know?

 

After a while, I think it gets easier to see things in a different light and decide for yourself with no pressure what you want.

[Spawn]

even after 4 months of breakup and probably around 45 days of strict NC, i am left with loads of feelings for my ex.

 

NC at the most has helped me look back at the relationship, what was right and wrong, my mistakes and hers, why i put all the blame on me and why i got blamed for the whole breakup.

 

i still don't know whether i have gained any confidence or self esteem through it.

I have had good times but for now the bad days seems to never end. Its not about missing the ex, its about thinkin why she was not there to work it out when i was there when she needed me the most.

 

But i have no regrets of loving her and caring for her, i think i will always do that regardless of how bitter the end was.

[NubianLove]

Its been great, its drawn me closer to God spiritually, I do believe when you visualize something, it can become a reality, and for that I am grateful to this board for reminding me of whats really important...No worries on this end.

[furakura]

I did not enter NC by choice but when i got dumped my ex requested that i do not contact him ever again. The first few weeks were extremely awful, i had no motivation for anything and was perpetually upset. I kept asking myself what did i do wrong to contribute to my ex reaching his decision and was desperately seeking closure.

 

In the end, i realised closure is something i can only give myself and it's best that i let him go and move on with my life. I still have deep feelings for him and a part of me do want him back but on the other hand, he has hurt me too deeply and too many times....