Books & Cafe

[Jinx]

Among travel, work and education haven't had much time to post updates, far less anything else except short and sweet replies here and there.

 

In the past week I presume I gave up my dating boycott. Have no idea why. Went from pure frustration about chasing women who end up being straight to looking again and of course again developing the interest in my typical type - Catholic, Homophobic, Traditional - woman. I think part of my brain was miswired, I don't know, but it is cruel far as I'm concerned and keeps happening. When I see a woman I find striking and intriguing in conversation I often ask myself, "What chance will she fit this criteria...". Answer? 98% of the time, but I cannot be at all bothered by this tid bit.

 

Anyhow, I have had some success, relatively speaking I suppose. Unfortunately everything was all wrong except the orientation compatibility. I happened to stop by a bookshop on my way "home" not at all long ago and while searching for a particular GLBT dating book I had seen on the internet (pretty penny there, so decided maybe a bookshop may have it or special order somewhere for less). While in the GLBT section I was approached by a woman who needless to say was not by any means a closet case lesbian. Problem being I was at least an hour distance wise from home, she was anywhere from six to eight years my senior I guessed, and that I don't stop in the town often at all. I kind of explained this but as conversation progressed she let me in on where she is a regular at and the fact it is gay friendly. I suppose it will be worthy my checking one day.

 

Another point being, unfortunate as it was, I wasn't sure I really wanted to get "attached" anyhow. To approach me like that I got a tad wary about her true intentions. If she is one which was looking for "dating material" at the gay section of the bookstore, I guess that isn't too odd at all not on the other hand I don't fancy the greater idea that she may of been looking for someone at random for, whatever. It was hard to tell but her being so up front about being a lesbian and all made me wonder.

 

Back in my own home area, I was at a cafe located on what we consider the "Gay Blvd.", there is a relatively decent G/L group out and about around during the day. As meeting people, conversations and among other socializations progressed since becoming a semi-regular since discovering it I did meet one woman who she and I were extremely fluid in conversation until she had to tell me, "You don't look like a lesbian." well there went that chance for me and her, whoever lost out there. Why must we be so hung up on sterotypical looks. Really, if I'm in a cafe, single, in a gay friendly area with a predominately gay clientele maybe there is some chance I will be? Just maybe. I could be overreacting but it just seemed like an ignorant thing to say when looking for more than a friend.

 

On another note my friend and I planned an impromptu trip to meet one another not too long ago and we met in the hometown. Her mother hates me. Her mother nearly disowned her daughter because me. Her daughter is having issues with how to deal with me. I have a crush on her again and need to kick myself. Just another week in my life.

 

Actually her mother just dislikes me extremely because I'm a gender bender in her eyes with traditional occupations, clothing (that was a big one...), among other things. Then her mother I do believe was gravely mistaken about our "date" out the one night. If looks could kill I would of been murdered then revived just to be killed again...

 

Then my coming out was going all smooth finally after we got all the rough edges worked out before this short meet then her mother gets irked at me, her daughter goes back into a shell because of her mother's claims, she doesn't know what to think about me because everyone is telling her that I myself in a nutshell am an immoral heathen (isn't that a snazzy title? I can see that on my name tag at work...) but she doesn't think I am and that she believes we're best friends and she just doesn't know how to deal with all this stress coming from them.

 

Huh, well, I don't like the way its going and either she needs to cut the apron strings or I'm going to be best friend hitchhiking. Yet I didn't give her that set of alternatives verbally just a mental thing I came up with. She loves her mother and she's been attached to me for years and we're two different walks of life in comparison, see how that one goes. Something has got to give and I'm not looking forward to it. Blood often runs deeper than water. In this case I'm water far as I can see, and nothing more. Which is a sad development.

 

I really don't understand though why she is taking these "threats" to heart if she is so stable and secure with her sexuality as it seemed. Yes, mixed signs but I've learned that is just a part for a lot of women I meet, the personality I like to befriend I've concluded and nothing more. The only thing she hasn't done I thought she would of now after all this is go out looking for a boyfriend at least to prove to them she is heterosexual. I personally wasn't even aware that she had broke up until her dearest mother informed me of that when she looked like she was going to have an attack over the fact her daughter was going "out" with me to a restaurant. She could of very well told me and it skimmed through my short term memory but that is something I'd really think I'd recall. I presume it has its reasons of causing her stress but she never really attacks back in a heavy matter when they make assumptions or push her towards whatever in terms of her future which they plan to be made of, I quote, "Husband, and having many children."

 

I'm sure I've forgotten something, its late but I had the time and all to make the partial update and partial comment and whatever else post here. I don't know about this whole dating ordeal trying to find others. I'm not yet ready to resort to online dating because I prefer to be in person on meeting but I'm not seeing much developing to help me otherwise. Like I say meeting women in friendship that are Lesbian or Bisexual even is like a needle in a haystack. Then the lesbians I meet, again, I am entirely incompatible with. Either our ideas of relationship don't match or she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer to the point I need to walk away from it since I base so much on the ability for intellectual conversation and thought on issues. Secondly I'm not afraid of politics and religion (everyone's favorite subjects) but it isn't so popular with the rest of the population gay or not I find more I get out trying to socialize within the GLBT or Friendly areas.

[aggierocker]

Are you male or female? Are you homosexual?

[Ash]

Are you male or female? Are you homosexual?

 

aggie, if you read Jinx's post carefully, I think you'd know!

 

Jinx, looks like things can go a whole extra level (or is that two or three!) of complication in your dating world as opposed to the hetero one. I don't envy you for that for sure.

 

A couple of things come to mind.

 

Is the friend you have your crush (re-crush) on holding you back? Is that something you need to make a final decision on once and for all (and I do realize that is the sad version of a decision as it seems there will be perhaps some struggles there that are unlikely to work out well in the long run). Maybe that all has to be put to rest until the continued dating questions can be resolved.

 

The other thing as it relates to dating itself is perhaps the same regardless of who we are. There are many different ways to date, and the purpose behind dating can be quite different. We can date to find a potential mate, or we can date casually to avoid being totally alone, simply for companionship for the duration of the date, no implied promises for what happens next. And of course there are levels in between. It sounds to me like for you at the moment casual dating may be the way to go. Somebody to spend a few hours with. Perhaps until things become a little clearer.

 

You do seem to have a pretty good handle on what's in your head and heart, which makes it somewhat tricky to know exactly what to suggest. In a way that's good for you, the ability to self analyze. You're more self dependant. On the other hand, I hope that doesn't hold you back in any way. Don't let it.