I'm such a lie

[blueangel]

I don't know what it is... but it's like my inner voice is turning to silence. I'm losing certain things about myself- I'm losing who I am. It's like this great and stretched sleep has taken over me as well as my life and all I do is wait and opinionate and make plans in my mind. I'm moving less and less anymore even though I exercise a lot- that doesn't make sense. I just feel like I'm slowing down. There's no weight on my heart like there used to be- just this... weird explanation but.. this soft wind that I am so much apart of, I feel as if I'm leaving this world. I have so many things I have to do while I'm here, that I want to do- but... I don't know what steps to take. Everything is so slow. Time is freezing up and all I FEEL like doing is standing in one spot and disappear. I'm so detached. What's happening to me? It feels like... I'm dying.

 

This summer I will be a camp counselour for little kids at a summer camp and right there is my greatest happiness. But it's a happiness that leaves me feeling neglected when separated from summer days, silly laughter, innocent fun and new friendships where no one knows each other and we all want to learn. Happiness for me is so few and far between. I'm basically suffering from depression- it's been in my family for years, I guess. But last summer, the first time I was at camp working there, I woke up SMILING and LAUGHING and WIDE AWAKE FULL OF LIFE and just.. every moment I breathed deep with euphoria and was wild and silly and every part of myself.

 

How do I tap into that again? I'm not expressing myself fully... I'm simply sailing through the days of my mind, plummeting through chapters of my life as if they never were. Everything's weightless and I'm all to myself. I don't know what I'm feeling. I used to. Now- I don't feel empty. I don't feel tired. I don't feel pain. I don't feel happiness. I don't feel sadness. I don't feel anger. I don't feel joy.

 

It's a feeling past all of that, like I'm just part of the trees or something, merely observing and to those who distract me from myself and my goals, I pull away from. I have no idea how to explain it because it varies from one moment to another. I used to be such a great friend- or believe I was. I used to WANT to connect with people but there's so much unexpressed for so long that I don't want to even try anymore. I become bored with myself.

 

There's something there that needs out... but it's been so long since I've had a real relationship or hope of one that... I'm tired of waiting and trying and relying on other people. I don't know if this is pain it's causing me or I'm becoming... nothing. Just nothing. But thought and movement. It's so weird what's inside me. I wake up finding it hard to believe that I am who I am- like it takes some seconds to piece it back together again. "Woah- I am this girl. I am this Sarah."

 

I've tried really hard recently to ask help from those I loved and just showing them myself but they won't understand. They can't give me what I need. Maybe that's what made me given up. I just can't make my family members see. We have a superficial relationship- a fake one. My life with them is a lie. My dad treats me like a business burden and expects me to act a certain way- he's embarrassed of me, of who I really am. And he never answers me when I'm talking to him! He just keeps nodding and going, "oh. ok."- like I'm a little kid. He and his wife wait for me downstairs to help entertain the guests as I am sitting in my room crumbling, waiting for them to see if I'm okay- to even ask.

 

My mom - I'm always telling her I need someone by me... but she's immature, everywhere, scatterbrained and self absorbed. How do I help myself when I've tried, really tried reaching for my closest resources... finding out that I am so much more than them and there's no where to go to...?

 

What am I supposed to be doing? What? Why can't my family hear me? They're all I have. I have no friends. There's a wall there because it's too exhausting trying to bring myself out and talk to people anymore. It takes so much work.

 

And my parents just ignore me. They just ignore me.

 

"Mom, will you stay with me? I'm feeling depressed right now"

-"Sarah, there are things to do. You'll see when you're older. You're fine. Anyways, I'm so tired too. It's not all about you. You don't do special favors for me either. I need to watch some TV." scatterbrain, as I said.

 

>This type of reasoning I cannot work with

 

"dad, can we talk?"

"Not right now."- phone rings. Business, business, business and when there's silence for once, there's only silence. He refuses to look my way, drinks his caffiene- I bring up something. He nods his head.

 

 

I'm just tired of going on without anybody seeing. I dont know how to bring it out anymore. I'm done.

[missbrittanyy]

that's harsh.

im not really ultimatly close with my parents either.. my read dad's a crack head, my step dad's an alcoholic, and my mom can barely take care of her self. have you ever thought of trying something out side of your home, seeing counselors or what not. and maybe if they express to your parents, how terrible you're feeling they can do some kind of group family counseling with you so your parents can attempt to relate more to you

[Daddy Bear]

man, what a heavy load for someone so young. you sound so much older and wiser than 15... like an adult trapped in a youngster's body.

 

you conveyed your feelings so well in your post, and yet i couldn't find in it what the underlying problem seems to be (maybe another member will pick up on it). i would say parents, but they seem more unhelpful than threatening.

 

let me try this angle: when you were happy before as a camp counselor, was there something in particular that you were happy to be away from?

[NJRon]

Maybe you should go back and read your post on how to snap out of depression. Just think happy thoughts.

[blueangel]

that's harsh.

im not really ultimatly close with my parents either.. my read dad's a crack head, my step dad's an alcoholic, and my mom can barely take care of her self. have you ever thought of trying something out side of your home, seeing counselors or what not. and maybe if they express to your parents, how terrible you're feeling they can do some kind of group family counseling with you so your parents can attempt to relate more to you

 

YES. The counselors I HAVE consulted are wackos themselves. I have it more together than they do. Plus, my parents don't want to pay for that stuff anymore. This one guy was so full of himself that he wouldnt... just listen. Another- all she did was listen and didnt say anything back. Most of the time, it was silent and awkward as she kept tapping her pen.

 

I'm too tired now to express myself outloud. It's all in my head. Like I said, I'm fading. I could try try again but I'm too tired. My strentgh is at zero. I'm tired of searching.

[missbrittanyy]

YES. The counselors I HAVE consulted are wackos themselves. I have it more together than they do. Plus, my parents don't want to pay for that stuff anymore. This one guy was so full of himself that he wouldnt... just listen. Another- all she did was listen and didnt say anything back. Most of the time, it was silent and awkward as she kept tapping her pen.

 

I'm too tired now to express myself outloud. It's all in my head. Like I said, I'm fading. I could try try again but I'm too tired. My strentgh is at zero. I'm tired of searching.

 

 

that sucks, a lot. i had a counselor, and i loved her with my whole heart and soul, then she went on meternity leave damnit... i dont really know what you can do.. see school conselors, and see if they can recomend you to an outside counselor, and set you up with free or cheap counseling thats what i did

[blueangel]

Maybe you should go back and read your post on how to snap out of depression. Just think happy thoughts.

 

I don't want to. Yes, happy feelings I can access if I really try but that's not what I want. I'm done WANTING. I don't want anymore. Nothing. I'm not happy. I'm not depressed. I'm just in a strange period of my life. It's not something I want to snap out of. I want to understand it before I give up. I know I say I've given up, but something in me hasn't. It's still searching. SHould I wait here or move on with out them? That is my question.

[blueangel]

man, what a heavy load for someone so young. you sound so much older and wiser than 15... like an adult trapped in a youngster's body.

 

you conveyed your feelings so well in your post, and yet i couldn't find in it what the underlying problem seems to be (maybe another member will pick up on it). i would say parents, but they seem more unhelpful than threatening.

 

let me try this angle: when you were happy before as a camp counselor, was there something in particular that you were happy to be away from?

 

That's a great question. I don't know. I can't find my problem either. I just can't access it. It's like I've literally blocked it from myself.

 

I guess abiding in the environment that I do brings me down because I'm not myself. And even that I find difficult to understand why it is that way. Why can't I bring it out anymore? What's happening?

[NJRon]

Maybe you're just feeling what some of us feel every day. Hang in there.

[blueangel]

I think I know what it is now. I'm trying to hold onto a life that I don't belong to...to people who will never see me. The kid inside me still wants them to try for a second chance. I feel like I've used up all of mine.

[blueangel]

I'm in a transition of saying goodbye.

[Daddy Bear]

I'm in a transition of saying goodbye.

Sarah, i'm starting to realize that what you are is a genius surrounded by a field of idiots. don't throw life away. there are other people like you and you just have to find them to get the kind of understanding on your own level that you need. make it a quest.

 

don't be sad. it will get better, i swear this to you.

[blueangel]

Sarah, i'm starting to realize that what you are is a genius surrounded by a field of idiots. don't throw life away. there are other people like you and you just have to find them to get the kind of understanding on your own level that you need. make it a quest.

 

don't be sad. it will get better, i swear this to you.

 

I have to say- that made me laugh out loud!

 

Thanks. I'm feeling back to normal again now that I understand it more, I think.

[rutgerhauer]

I really feel for you, when i was your age it was pretty much the same for me. my life was bliss until i was 12, i lived with my mum and brother and "aunt Gearldine" (my mothers lesbian lover, didnt know this at the time though). I visited my father every second weekend, didnt enjoy it that much as he'd being lliving apart from my mum since i was about 1 so i never had much of a connection with him. He'd spent five years in jail and this made him a real tempermantal sod, my brother and i were sent to live with him when my mothers lesbian relationship broke up and she couldnt cop. Then i went through two years of mental torture at its worst. From being mollycuddled by my mother to mentally beaten by a total disciplinarian, i ended up running away and eventually went back to live with my mother though by now she was going out with another woman and like you're mother had become a "scatterbrain" and an alcoholic. The woman she was dating was just my father in another guise as she ruthlessly kept my mother under control with constant put-downs and furious outbursts whilst doing absolutely nothing for herself and wearing my mother down to the point of being a live-in slave. This meant my mother had virtually no time for me and i was left with no friends to sit alone in my room after school EVERYDAY for 5 and a half years listening to my mum get walked over and treated like a piece of s**t whilst living in constant tension. This resulted in me moving out when i got a job and i found that years and years of isolation and mental torture have left me still in the mind of a 12 year old, still nervous and innocent thinking. Like time has froze, still have the same desires i had when i was 12 like go out and play with my pals, play the video games i had when i was 12, listen to the music frm that time... I live alone now and am almost 23, its probably too late for me to change but i REALLY hope you find a way through the darkness. Please dont do anything stupid, i have no friends and would be glad to call you one

 

Be strong.

 

Anthony.

[Daddy Bear]

I have to say- that made me laugh out loud!

 

Thanks. I'm feeling back to normal again now that I understand it more, I think.

and i have to say- that made me let out an almost gay-ish "yay!"

[blueangel]

and i have to say- that made me let out an almost gay-ish "yay!"

 

My goodness! I hope you didn't get caught!

[NJRon]

Glad it passed quickly for you.

[blueangel]

awww! I'm here for you! I understand! You can PM me anytime if you're not creepy. But seriously, that sounds familiar yet worse than my situation. I hope you're okay. I can't make someone completely happy but i'm good with cheering up. So of course you can call me a friend. I wish YOU the best of luck. That was rough but you 're making it through.

[blueangel]

Glad it passed quickly for you.

 

oy- but before this, it had lingered for months. It was the word goodbye which triggered the release of what I've been holding on to. I've realized I'm doing a lot of that anymore.. saying goodbye. Now that I know, I can let it pass through me. I'll be okay.

 

"What we resist persists. What we look at for what it is, we can let go."

 

Sometimes it's a single word or phrase or an entire book that helps us understand ourselves and what we're going through. I know once I go back home, the feelings will return because I'll be back in that reality. But I understand why and that gives me more hope

[kellbell]

Hi there Blue!

 

You sound like a very intellegent and bright young woman. Very gifted. Have you thought about joining groups that are on your level, that challenge you and have people on your wave length? You post to me sounds like your high intellgence is not being challenged leaving you longing for something and feeling incredibaly lonely and no one to connect with. Is there some gifted programs at school or a teacher whom you can speak with?

 

My cousin's IQ is 180 and he had a very tough childhood and teenage years too. He had to join clubs and talk to people that really challenged him. Now he is the Navy and is a pediatrician. There is so much life out there for you...like the other poster suggested...make it a quest.

[blueangel]

Hi there Blue!

 

You sound like a very intellegent and bright young woman. Very gifted. Have you thought about joining groups that are on your level, that challenge you and have people on your wave length? You post to me sounds like your high intellgence is not being challenged leaving you longing for something and feeling incredibaly lonely and no one to connect with. Is there some gifted programs at school or a teacher whom you can speak with?

 

My cousin's IQ is 180 and he had a very tough childhood and teenage years too. He had to join clubs and talk to people that really challenged him. Now he is the Navy and is a pediatrician. There is so much life out there for you...like the other poster suggested...make it a quest.

 

I don't know how... what do I do? I'll have to talk to my guidance counselour.

[Daddy Bear]

My goodness! I hope you didn't get caught!

the neighbors might have heard, but i don't care. i know who i am, and anyway, the yelp came from a good place...

[kellbell]

Talking to your guindance counsuler is a good start. Ask him/her about any gifted programs out there that can help you and you can feel less alone be around other whom think like you.

 

Here is a website you may be interested in...

 

link removed

 

I was blown away by your first post and from how you wrote it, you are an incredibly intellengent young woman.

[rutgerhauer]

awww! I'm here for you! I understand! You can PM me anytime if you're not creepy. But seriously, that sounds familiar yet worse than my situation. I hope you're okay. I can't make someone completely happy but i'm good with cheering up. So of course you can call me a friend. I wish YOU the best of luck. That was rough but you 're making it through.

Im not creepy, just isolated ;-) Dont know what its like in the states but here in ireland its pretty backward and closed-knit, i think i've become the stereo-typical loner that every town, city, movie, has. I noticed you guys talking about conselling and stuff, not wanting to come accross as stupid but is this the norm stateside?? I can only speak from my own sheltered point of view but in Ireland you never hear of that kind of stuff, everyone sweeps their * * * * under the carpet and puts on a brave face. It's like 50 years behind the times here, i wouldnt know where to seek help for my baggage. I'm used to it though, i just got this internet in 3 weeks ago so hopefully i'tll make me feel a little less alone.

[doyathink]

Maybe it's because your at that age where you are between a girl and a women and things don't make ANY sense for quite a while ( if ever really). Everything in you is changing, your mind and body and will keep you confused until the day you least expect it. I also remember this age, I thought my parents were idiots and knew nothing. It wasn't until I had teens of my own that It all came together why my parents did the things they did..