What shouyld I do?

[richmoge]

I am 34, about to graduate medical school, and move to Washington, DC for residency in Internal Medicine. My ex-girlfriend, who is 25 years old, and I had been in a long distance relationship for over 1 1/2 years until 2 months ago. She lives in the DC area, and I live in a Southern coastal city. We met after I moved to the DC area two years ago.

 

I had recently gone through a divorce to a woman that I had been with since the age of 19. She was my first serious relationship, and we got married two years out of college. We were together for 12 years.

 

Anyway, I decided to take a break from med school, so I moved to DC for 6 months and got a job waiting tables in a great outside restaurant on the Potomac River in Georgetown. After I had been in DC for 4 months my girlfriend and I met at a club one night. She had just graduated college. Our eyes met, and she smiled and waved me over to her. The attraction and chemistry was almost overwhelming. After talking for a few minutes, I asked her for her phone #. She said that she was here with her boyfriend. So I gave her my number, not thinking that she would call me. I stayed there for about another hour walking around and mingling in the crowd.

 

About 15 minutes later she came walking by with her boyfriend and the rest of the people she was out with, and she playfully nudged me in the side as she walked by. I then walked by her a little while later, and did the same to her as she was standing by her boyfriend, without him seeing it. That night she called me, but I was asleep.

 

The next day, I called her back, and we started talking on the phone everyday for a week. We then agreed to meet up to see each other. We kissed that day, and I felt like this could really go somewhere. But what about her boyfriend? Well, the next night, she was with him and a bunch of friends out at a hotel in Baltimore for a baseball game. She called me crying, saying that he got drunk, cussed her out, and called her sister a * * * *. (Apparently he was a nice guy, but had a drinking problem and turned into a real jerk when he drank too much. Similar behaviors had been occurring more and more frequently over the past couple of years.) I told her to get in a cab and come stay with me in DC., which she did.

 

From that time on, we were supposedly together. We had alot of fun together for the next two months. As I said the chemistry was amazing, and I thought that I had finally found the one who could love me the way I have always wanted and needed to be loved. She told me that she had never been as attracted to anyone the way she was to me. She appreciated things about me that no one had ever said before. We had great talks about our lives and I felt we were connecting on a deep and meaningful level. She was very affectionate, funny, sweet, smart, great sense of humor. Whenever I was with her, I felt comfortable and truly happy no matter what we were doing together. She was everthing that my ex-wife was not, and I thought I had found THE ONE.

 

But then, after only two months, I had to go back to finish medical school. After I moved back, we talked everyday on the phone for hours, and she flew down to see me about once a month. Then she started to tell me that her exboyfriend really wanted her back and was coming on string with poems, flowers, crying on the phone, etc. I could tell she was having mixed emotions. I should have let her go right then so she could have time to sort out her feelings, but I could not.

 

A few months later, just before Christmas, he came to her house, got down on one knee, and asked her to marry him. She was overwhelmed and said yes. Apparently, before she met me, she thought that she would return home from graduating college, and get engaged within the year. They had been together for 3 1/2 years in college, and he was the love of her life. She still loved him very much, but he broke her heart.

 

During this time, she did not tell me about the engagement, and we were talking on the phone as if nothing had happened. Then, just after christmas, I drove 8 hours to DC to spend time with her. After I had been there for a day, she told me that she had been engaged for about 10 days, but that she gave the ring back because it did not feel right. She said that I was a big reason why she gave it back. Of course I was extremely upset, and we had a 2-3 hour, very emotional talk.

 

Afterwards, I drove back home after being there only 3 days. I did not know what to think. We continued to talk everyday, and she told me that she wanted to be with me but wanted to stay friends with her ex-boyfriend because he was her "best friend." Another red flag. But I still could not let her go. I was afraid that I would never find someone that I felt this way about again.

 

I hate to admit this, but over the next year there were many other red flags. Such as the time she went to Cancun for spring break a few months later with her friends from college including her ex (where he got drunk and angry about her relationship with me and physically abused her), going to a wedding and staying in the same hotel room with her ex a few months after that, continuing to talk to him on the phone and lying to me about it.

 

Everytime I would try to tell her it was over, she would reel me back in. I wanted to be "understanding" and not jealous. I made excuses for her. I had a difficult time letting go of my ex-wife even after I no longer loved her. I knew it was a process and that it takes time, and I wanted to "hang in there" until she completely let go of him. We both knew we should have taken time apart for this, and we tried a couple of times but we could not stand not talking with each other.

 

During the next 6 months, we saw each other about twice a month, and we took vacations together. She invited me to stay with her for a week last October in St. Marteen at her grandmother's timeshare. During that week, we argued some about her ex, but we also had an amazing time together when we weren't fighting. We even went to jewelry store and found an engagement ring that she loved ( I bought it 3 months later, and I still have it). We talked about having a long engagement and moving in together once I found out where I was going to do my residency. But she was still talking to her ex-boyfriend several times a week and lying to me about it. I tried to be understanding about her "friendship", but she lied about it constantly. I overheard some of her conversations, and she still said " I love you" when she hung up with him. I asked her about this and she said," I will always love him, but I am not IN LOVE with him."

 

Our fighting continued to escalate, and I no longer trusted her at all. But I was still very much in love with her. I knew we should take a break, but it was Christmas and I was going to stay with her for two weeks. While I was with her for those two weeks, the chemstry wasn't there. She was no longer affectionate, and I knew something was wrong. We said maybe we should be friends for awhile, but an hour later we were kissing again. Two weeks later I saw her for the final time when I stayed with her for a residency interview. Things felt different. When I returned home, we continued to talk everyday for 3 weeks. She then told me that I was "smothering her" and had been for a long time, and that she needed her space. I recognized that, because I no longer trusted her, I had become controlling. I had invested so much into this relationship and wanted it to work so badly. Because the trust was gone the dynamic of our relationship changed. She said that she just wanted us to get back to the way we used to be.

 

In order to do that, we both agreed that before it got any worse we should take a break. I should mention that we had talked everyday except for 2 days during the previous 1 1/2 years. But we both agreed to "take some time apart." She said she needed to be alone and rediscover herself without being in any relationship. That made sense to me, and I wanted that for her. Actually, I needed to so the same. I had become too needy and dependent on her.

 

That was two months ago. We actually went 2 weeks without talking, and I broke down and called her. She said she needed more time. We slowly started talking again. Then I found out that I was going up to DC for my residency. How ironic. We spent lat 19 months talking about moving in together, and now we were broken up. About two weeks ago she started calling me almost everyday again. She told me that her ex-boyfriend did not just want to be her friend and he could not talk to her anymore. I slowly started to get my hopes up. I thought that when I moved to DC in early June, that we could hang out, take it slow, and see if we could make it work. I thought that now that her ex is totally out of the picture, we could have a chance to start over and finally do it the right way.

 

Then last week she told me that she was in another relationship with someone she met out a month ago. I asked her about her wanting to find herself without a relationship, and she said it just happened. She still calls me almost everyday, and she tells me that she loves me. I asked her in what way does she love me, and she said," I love you very much, and I always will , but I am not IN LOVE with you right now." I am not calling her, but I still answer her calls. Although I feel foolish for letting her treat me the way she has, I am still in love with her and I am having a hard time letting her go, especially knowing that I will be moving back to DC in less than 2 months.

 

Right now I am trying to let go and be her friend. But there is still a very big part of me that wants to go up there, hang out with her, and play it cool, hoping she will have feelings for me again. I can't help it. I did go on a date last week with a very pretty, nice, fun girl, and I really like her, but the chemistry is not what it was with my ex-girlfriend, but I know that with time it could develop into something even better. Who knows? It did help me alot to know that there are other great women out there. I am going to see where it goes, but I still have very strong feelings for my ex-girlfriend. What should I do?

[tylercdurden2004]

Get away from her now. She is playing you along, actually both you and her ex/current? Dont waste another minute mate.

[DN]

She likes the drama and the idea of a relationship but there is no way she wants a commitment. I agree - walk away. She will do nothing but hurt you.

[RayKay]

I broke your post into paragraphs so it is easier to read, and you might get more responses that way

 

My honest opinion...you have to cut off contact with this girl and leave her in your past. I find it odd you are blaming yourself for becoming insecure, when she is the one whom lied to you about the situation/relationship with her boyfriend, about being engaged. Of COURSE you felt insecure!

 

You MUST cut off contact because right now she seems quite content to keep you as close as possible without giving anything in return. It is not right of her to be waving her "love" in your face like a carrot, while even dating someone else. How much do you want to be this other guy she is dating has no idea she is telling you these things? How would he feel if he heard her saying those things to you, like you heard her saying to her ex? How much do you also want to be she will pull the SAME stuff on this new guy she has done to you and her other ex? For her, it's an ego trip.

 

So first off:

 

Cut off contact with this ex. She's toxic. You won't move forward as long as you keep following the carrots she dangles. You don't deserve to be a backup plan. And right now, you are. She has no intention on working things out, she is with someone else. You ARE the backup plan. Don't allow her to walk over you this way.

 

Take that ring you bought and trade it in or sell it and buy yourself something fun, that you can enjoy for yourself. A new mountain bike, a trip to Mexico, whatever. Something to move forward and start anew.

 

Take your time dating. Don't rush until you feel ready - don't break any other hearts in the rush to soothe your own heart in other words. But if you feel ready, by all means, get out there and meet some new women. It can be very good for you. And you WILL eventually meet someone whom knocks your socks off...and more so, is way more available and emotionally mature and healthy then your ex.

[Riot Nrrrd]

Yup. Commitmentphobe, big time. She can't have it both ways. You deserve better, man.

[Bethany]

Myyyyyyyy God!!! I don't know what she's got but she uses it like she uses her men.

Walk away man, she's playing with you. Don't be used like this. You know you can't take anymore,you know deep down she doesn't want you.

Gather all your strength up from your heart and Soul and do the right thing........ Walk away.

[chai714]

Rich,

 

I know that this does not feel right to you. I know it. And it isn't. She has betrayed both her ex and you - even if she was supposedly "confused" or "scared" it was the wrong decision.

 

Eventually, she gave you the Hollywood cliche, "love, but not in love . .blah blah blah."

 

You know what the best move is when someone gives you a Hollywood cliche? Walk away and tell her you're not going to star in her movie. She does not respect you. A relationship requires respect and she hasn't given you an ounce.

 

Good luck.

[Süsser Tod]

Wow, she is really playing the three of you very well.

 

Get the hell out of there ASAP, she is nothing but trouble. She hasn't cared about your for the last 1 year and seven months, she won't do it just because you are there.

 

She did to you the exact same thing she did to her previous BF, and that she will do again to the current one.

 

 

By the way, have you heard the phrase "safety blanket"?

[kadvati79]

I think she is playing herself. Did she have a troubled upbringing? People are quick to judge people on the forums here but my experience is that troubled backgrounds often result in people not being able to "love" right.

 

I suspect she couldn't handle her feelings for you and no matter what she did they didn't go away. She got herself in more and more of a mess. She lied, lied some more, and then lied again some. Its so tempting to make that first lie, and so easy to continue after that. You and her first ex began to remind her of the bad things she had done. You both became synonymous with wrongs she had committed.

 

This new guy, well, maybe he represents fresh hope for her. She will eventually grow up and when she does she will face off on these issues. I went through a similar phase myself and when I finally "hit the wall" I looked back on the things I had done and saw the wrongs I committed, faced up to them, and was able to walk on forward into healthy relationships. I didn't do these things because I was a bad person, or a player, simply because I didn't know how to deal with my feelings.

 

Nobody can tell you to "get over her", that will only come with time and when your heart is ready to let go.

 

I think you already know what you need to do dude. My advice is to be single for a while, find yourself.

[richmoge]

Thank you guys so much. I think you all are right, but it is still somewhat hard for me to accept that her love for me was never really real. That she used me for her own needs, and her feelings for me were not genuine. This may sound ridiculous, but, even after all of this, part of me wants to be able to be friends with her eventually.

 

I also agree with icemotoboy. She was ready to put the entire love triangle mess behind her and start fresh. That first week of our break, she moved out of her parent's house and into an apartment with her best friend from college and two other girls. She bought a new car and started going out to bars and clubs thursday through saturday. She is young and out to have a good time right now, and that includes being in a new and fresh relationship that is "fun" and exciting. So what does that say about her feelings for me? Oh well, time to move on, but this whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth....to think that people, who you thought loved you and said that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, never really did. I guess it was all a lie, but I am glad that I learned so much about myself through all of this.

 

Thanks again!

[kadvati79]

I think you all are right, but it is still somewhat hard for me to accept that her love for me was never really real. That she used me for her own needs, and her feelings for me were not genuine.

 

I disagree, I think that you have to give people the benefit of the doubt when they speak of love. It sounds like you really did treat her like a princess. She just didn't know how to cope with it. I think there is a strong possibility that she did love you and that she simply couldn't express it or cope with it. She ended up getting in an awful mess, maybe from a lack of maturity. That doesn't make her a bad person, or you a fool, it just makes you both human.

 

Its time to move on. Life has a funny way of working out. Time will tell but I think regardless of what happens you will end up happy.

 

Most people think the "Love but not in love" is BS. I disagree. I think that means the person does love you, but they cannot be with you. They cannot act on that love any more. Maybe it is too painful, maybe they can't deal with the feelings, maybe the feelings just aren't there any more.

[DN]

I don't want to leap to conclusions about anyone either but we have to give advice based on what a poster says. It's all very well to theorise about all sorts of reasons as to why people act as they do and to say that it may come from a troubled background. Perhaps she did have her problems.

 

But the fact she may have had problems is not an excuse to treat someone else badly. She cheated on her boyfriend and has misled and misused other people. The fact that someone may have treated her badly is no excuse to do the same thing to other people. If anything, it should give her more reason not to, since she should be aware of how much it hurts.

 

Bottom line - she has no excuse.

[richmoge]

I would like to believe you icemotoboy, and there is apart of me that does. But I have also given her the benefit of the doubt so many times. And the fact remains that she did treat me like dirt. She told me over and over again that she wanted to spend the rest of her life SHOWING me that she loved me. Well, I waited for over a year and she never showed me, she only told me.

 

I don't think I mentioned that the week before we "took some time apart" was Valentine's Day. She told me that she sent my Valentine's package via the US mail. Well it never arrived. When I asked about this, she of course started an argument and "didn't want to talk about it." That is just messed up. I never thought she could do anything like that. If she cared for me at all, why would she be so cruel?

[NubianLove]

dang I'm a female and this is a HUGE mess, she was with u, got engaged to someone else. Dude, in a few weeks, u'll be deep in intern yr, taking calls, and this chic will still be doing the same crap...not worth it. You'll have enough stress, u dont need this kind of stress. She wasnt ready to commit unfortunately, and wasnt on the same level as you were.

[richmoge]

Apparently she is ready to be with someone else. She has always told me that she is a "relationship person." And I know this to be true from her family. Before me, she had been in 3 other long-term relationships. I am not making excuse for the way she treated me, but I think she got fed up with the "love triangle" and wanted to make a change. As she told me, our relationship was no longer "fun", and we were arguing alot and she felt I was "smothering" her. But this all happened because I did not trust her anymore. I was hoping that we could take time apart and start over when I got to DC. Now she is with someone else, and all I can do is move on and l be left to wonder what could have been.

 

Does anyone think I should try to be friends with her? I have to admit that part of my motive would be for her to see that I am not needy and maybe she would realize that she wants to give us another chance. Then there is part of me that just wants her to be happy with or without me, and that I can be a friend for her. Is this ridiculous?

[kadvati79]

DN raised a valid point: "She has no excuse". What I am trying to say is not to taint your view of love badly, or to get angry, or assume the whole thing was false. I think she was just a bit messed up (and probably still is) so can't deal with all her emotions. She dug herself a hole, now she has got to figure out how to get out of it.

 

"Then there is part of me that just wants her to be happy with or without me"

 

Thats not ridiculous at all, that shows that you really do know how to love someone totally and completely.

 

I think you should take a month to get yourself together and decide how you really feel. In a month you might not be ready to be friends, but you might be able to have limited contact - although that is FRAUGHT with difficulties.

 

It really depends how you want this all to work out, and I don't think you're in a state to make any big decisions just yet. You don't have to either. Take a month or so to think about it all, you can always confirm how you feel too her later.

[DN]

Does anyone think I should try to be friends with her? I have to admit that part of my motive would be for her to see that I am not needy and maybe she would realize that she wants to give us another chance. Then there is part of me that just wants her to be happy with or without me, and that I can be a friend for her. Is this ridiculous?

 

At this point you should be concerned about your own happiness and I very much doubt this woman would ever make you happy. Do yourself a favour and move on and don't look back. She is too problematical to have any sort of committed and happy relationship.

[richmoge]

I agree a month would help. We did NC about 2 months ago, but I did talk to her twice in 4 weeks. Then she began calling me again. First only a couple of times a week. Then 2 weeks ago she started calling almost everyday. It was about a week ago that I found out about this new realationship that she is in. She still says, "love you or I love you" to end each conversation, but I know that she just wants to be friends.

 

She has not called in two days, but I think that she will still call me a couple times a week. I have thought about answering some of her calls and just playing it cool, and trying to be her friend, but maybe I should tell her I need some time apart.

 

Any suggestions on what I should say about this?