richmoge

Does anyone else have any advice?

This is my second post. For more on my story please go to . Briefly, I was in 18 month long distance relationship with my ex. We decided to have no contact 2 months ago. Although we both agreed it was best for us, she told me that I had begun to "smother her," and she needed "her space." She said that she needed some time by herself to not be in a relationship to "find herself" again. To clarify, I feel that I began to smother her, unknowingly, because she had been in consistent contact with her previous boyfriend of 4 years. He was still madly in love with her and wanted to marry her, but she said that he was one of her best friends and did not want to give that up. I might have been okay with that, except that she constantly lied about her contact with him. thereforeeee, the trust was gone, and I became insecure and "smothering." After talking for hours everyday for 18 months, we went NC. It lasted two weeks, and I broke down and called her. She said that she still needed her space. Two weeks later she called me to see how I was doing, and I told her that it was difficult not talking with her but I was fine. A week later she called me to find out where I matched for residency. (We both were sure that I would stay in my current city.) I told her that she would not believe it, but that I was moving back to DC (where she lives). She was totally shocked. Since then, she has been calling me 4-5 each week. She tells me "love you" before we hang up each time. I asked her about that and she gave me the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you now." I have been backing off and letting her be the one who calls, and I thought that limited contact was working because she seemed to call more often and talk longer. Then 2 weeks ago, she told me that she had been in a relationship with someone for the past month. Of course I got upset, but then I backed off again. Since then, she has still been calling me 4-5 a week and sometimes more than once a day, and then 2 days ago she told me that she really misses me and that she wantes to see me when I come up there in 2 weeks to inspect my apartment. I told her that it would be nice to see her as we have not seen each other in 3 months. With that she said," Are you sure. You don't sound like you want to see me?" I could tell she was a bit insecure about it. Then yesterday, she woke me up at 5:30 am with a phone call. She ahd been out that night and was leaving her boyfriends apartment. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that he told her that he met her 2 days after breaking up with his girlfriend of 4 years. She got upset because this is exactly what happened in her relationship with me (she broke up with her boyfrind 1 week after I met her) and she was not going through that again. I just listened to her and then she asked if she could call me when she woke up later. I said yes. Later that day, she told me that she was really looking forward to spending some time with me when I move back to DC. She also said that she deserved better than to be in a relationship so shortly after a breakup, and she said that I had deserved better from her. She called me again later and said that she needed to "take of some business" and for me to pray for her to be strong. Of course this meant she was going to tell her boyfriend that she could not be with him. She said she would call me afterwards. Three hours later and I had a very bad feeling about this, so I gave in and called her. She was on her way home from seeing him. I asked how it went, and she responded with a chipper "it went good," but she didn't want to talk about it. Later I pressed her about what happened and she said that the ball was in her court, and that she had some thinking to do. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore and that I needed some time to take care of myself. She said, "Can I still see you when you come up here." I said, " Do you think that is a good idea?" And she said," Yes. I need too know if IT is still there between us." So she is supposed to call me back in a few hours. She has told me that she still has feelings for me and wants to spend time with me, but she apparently also wants to spend time with this other guy that she has also developed feelings for. Part of me wants to tell her that she is taking a big risk with the other guy because no matter what he says, he must still have feelings for his ex after 4 years. I want to ask her if she is willing to bet her heart on a situation just like she had been in. I want to tell her, irregardless of me, she should give him the time he needs. And that the only way I will see her is if she is not in a relationship with him. And part of me thinks I should just tell her that I can't do this anymore and I need some time to move on, and that I can't see or talk to her for at least several months. But I am still very much in love with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I do believe that if she saw me, and we spent some time together, she would see that we should give it another try now that we are finally living in the same city together. But only if she was not in a relationship with someone else? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi guys. I just started reading this site yesterday, and it's been extremely informative and helpful. I actually posted a thread yesterday (for more info. see "What should I do?")and got some pretty good feedback, but I wanted to ask superdave and anyone else for some more advice. My ex were in along distance relationship for about 19 months. We had a very difficult, up and down relationship because, when I met her she was still in a 3 1/2 year relationship with someone else for the first week we met. Their relationship had been on the rocks for awhile because he had a problem with alcohol and, when he drank too much, he became verbally, emotionally and finally physically abusive. So she jumped right into a relationship with me. Soon, however, he wanted her back, and she went back and forth between us for many months enven though she was supposedly "with me." She lied to me about talking to him, and the trust was destroyed. Because of all of the lies and the "back and forth," I became insecure, needy, and for the last 2 months of our relationship, she said I was smothering her. About two months ago, we both agreed to do NC. It lasted about 2 weeks, and I called her. She said she needed more time. Two more weeks and she called me, but I could tell she wasn't ready. Then 2 weeks ago she statred calling me everyday, and I started to get my hopes up again. I should say that I am actually moving back to the city where she lives in about 6 weeks. So I thuought I would go up there, and we could take it slow. However, a week ago she told me that she has been in a relationship for about 1 month, and that she loves me and always will but she is not "in love with me" right now. She said that I am very important to her and she wants to be friends. She also said that when I move back there we should go out to dinner and hang out some. So what should I do? More NC. Only answer her calls and play it cool?

I agree a month would help. We did NC about 2 months ago, but I did talk to her twice in 4 weeks. Then she began calling me again. First only a couple of times a week. Then 2 weeks ago she started calling almost everyday. It was about a week ago that I found out about this new realationship that she is in. She still says, "love you or I love you" to end each conversation, but I know that she just wants to be friends. She has not called in two days, but I think that she will still call me a couple times a week. I have thought about answering some of her calls and just playing it cool, and trying to be her friend, but maybe I should tell her I need some time apart. Any suggestions on what I should say about this?

Apparently she is ready to be with someone else. She has always told me that she is a "relationship person." And I know this to be true from her family. Before me, she had been in 3 other long-term relationships. I am not making excuse for the way she treated me, but I think she got fed up with the "love triangle" and wanted to make a change. As she told me, our relationship was no longer "fun", and we were arguing alot and she felt I was "smothering" her. But this all happened because I did not trust her anymore. I was hoping that we could take time apart and start over when I got to DC. Now she is with someone else, and all I can do is move on and l be left to wonder what could have been. Does anyone think I should try to be friends with her? I have to admit that part of my motive would be for her to see that I am not needy and maybe she would realize that she wants to give us another chance. Then there is part of me that just wants her to be happy with or without me, and that I can be a friend for her. Is this ridiculous?

I would like to believe you icemotoboy, and there is apart of me that does. But I have also given her the benefit of the doubt so many times. And the fact remains that she did treat me like dirt. She told me over and over again that she wanted to spend the rest of her life SHOWING me that she loved me. Well, I waited for over a year and she never showed me, she only told me. I don't think I mentioned that the week before we "took some time apart" was Valentine's Day. She told me that she sent my Valentine's package via the US mail. Well it never arrived. When I asked about this, she of course started an argument and "didn't want to talk about it." That is just messed up. I never thought she could do anything like that. If she cared for me at all, why would she be so cruel?

I don't know how much she cared for you. If I relate it to my situation, I would like to believe that my ex cared for me and loved me, but now I am really not sure if "love" is what she felt for me. I now believe that she was getting some need of hers filled with me, and when I no longer filled it, she found someone else. How else do you explain how quickly she moved on. As I have said, I think your girl and my ex are very similar. For one thing they are compulsive liars. They do this out of FEAR. They spend their whole life afraid of many things including not getting attention. They always MUST be in a relationship because they are afraid to alone. Hell no one likes to be alone, but it is the only way to become independent. I don't want to ever be dependent on anyone again. Learning how to be alone and to love yourself is the best thing we can do for ourselves. It makes us stronger and more confident, and, thereforeeee more attractive. Eventually, the right person WILL come along if we make ourselves available. I know you don't want to hear this right now. You still want some hope that things will work out. But the only way is to let go. You cannot control or influence her to come back to you. I have tried this and it never works. Maybe one day in days or months she will realize what kind of person you are, but you can not do anymore to demonstate this to her. She already knows you. If it is ever going to work, you must let her come to you. But my prediction is that, with time, you will realize that she is not a genuine person, and that she is self-centered and only out to fill her own needs. Judge her by her ACTIONS not her words.

I just started reading this site today, but I am so glad I have. This girl is very similar to my ex. You should read my story. I just posted it today. She is charismatic, pretty, alot of fun, smart, but she is also very insecure, manipulative, and wants to have her cake and eat it too. She craves attention just like your girl. I had the hardest time believing that people could actually be this way, especially when you are in love with them, but reading your story has helped me to believe and accept this. This is a valuable lesson to learn. I don't ever want to be this naive again. As difficault as this is to believe, I think she is using you for her own vanity and ego because she is so insecure. Believe me I know that stings, but it is the truth. Be true to yourself and let her go. What you want to happen with her is a fantasy, and I am sorry to say will never happen. You deserve much better, and you will find it. Have faith and learn from this. All the best to you.

Thank you guys so much. I think you all are right, but it is still somewhat hard for me to accept that her love for me was never really real. That she used me for her own needs, and her feelings for me were not genuine. This may sound ridiculous, but, even after all of this, part of me wants to be able to be friends with her eventually. I also agree with icemotoboy. She was ready to put the entire love triangle mess behind her and start fresh. That first week of our break, she moved out of her parent's house and into an apartment with her best friend from college and two other girls. She bought a new car and started going out to bars and clubs thursday through saturday. She is young and out to have a good time right now, and that includes being in a new and fresh relationship that is "fun" and exciting. So what does that say about her feelings for me? Oh well, time to move on, but this whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth....to think that people, who you thought loved you and said that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, never really did. I guess it was all a lie, but I am glad that I learned so much about myself through all of this. Thanks again!

I am 34, about to graduate medical school, and move to Washington, DC for residency in Internal Medicine. My ex-girlfriend, who is 25 years old, and I had been in a long distance relationship for over 1 1/2 years until 2 months ago. She lives in the DC area, and I live in a Southern coastal city. We met after I moved to the DC area two years ago. I had recently gone through a divorce to a woman that I had been with since the age of 19. She was my first serious relationship, and we got married two years out of college. We were together for 12 years. Anyway, I decided to take a break from med school, so I moved to DC for 6 months and got a job waiting tables in a great outside restaurant on the Potomac River in Georgetown. After I had been in DC for 4 months my girlfriend and I met at a club one night. She had just graduated college. Our eyes met, and she smiled and waved me over to her. The attraction and chemistry was almost overwhelming. After talking for a few minutes, I asked her for her phone #. She said that she was here with her boyfriend. So I gave her my number, not thinking that she would call me. I stayed there for about another hour walking around and mingling in the crowd. About 15 minutes later she came walking by with her boyfriend and the rest of the people she was out with, and she playfully nudged me in the side as she walked by. I then walked by her a little while later, and did the same to her as she was standing by her boyfriend, without him seeing it. That night she called me, but I was asleep. The next day, I called her back, and we started talking on the phone everyday for a week. We then agreed to meet up to see each other. We kissed that day, and I felt like this could really go somewhere. But what about her boyfriend? Well, the next night, she was with him and a bunch of friends out at a hotel in Baltimore for a baseball game. She called me crying, saying that he got drunk, cussed her out, and called her sister a * * * *. (Apparently he was a nice guy, but had a drinking problem and turned into a real jerk when he drank too much. Similar behaviors had been occurring more and more frequently over the past couple of years.) I told her to get in a cab and come stay with me in DC., which she did. From that time on, we were supposedly together. We had alot of fun together for the next two months. As I said the chemistry was amazing, and I thought that I had finally found the one who could love me the way I have always wanted and needed to be loved. She told me that she had never been as attracted to anyone the way she was to me. She appreciated things about me that no one had ever said before. We had great talks about our lives and I felt we were connecting on a deep and meaningful level. She was very affectionate, funny, sweet, smart, great sense of humor. Whenever I was with her, I felt comfortable and truly happy no matter what we were doing together. She was everthing that my ex-wife was not, and I thought I had found THE ONE. But then, after only two months, I had to go back to finish medical school. After I moved back, we talked everyday on the phone for hours, and she flew down to see me about once a month. Then she started to tell me that her exboyfriend really wanted her back and was coming on string with poems, flowers, crying on the phone, etc. I could tell she was having mixed emotions. I should have let her go right then so she could have time to sort out her feelings, but I could not. A few months later, just before Christmas, he came to her house, got down on one knee, and asked her to marry him. She was overwhelmed and said yes. Apparently, before she met me, she thought that she would return home from graduating college, and get engaged within the year. They had been together for 3 1/2 years in college, and he was the love of her life. She still loved him very much, but he broke her heart. During this time, she did not tell me about the engagement, and we were talking on the phone as if nothing had happened. Then, just after christmas, I drove 8 hours to DC to spend time with her. After I had been there for a day, she told me that she had been engaged for about 10 days, but that she gave the ring back because it did not feel right. She said that I was a big reason why she gave it back. Of course I was extremely upset, and we had a 2-3 hour, very emotional talk. Afterwards, I drove back home after being there only 3 days. I did not know what to think. We continued to talk everyday, and she told me that she wanted to be with me but wanted to stay friends with her ex-boyfriend because he was her "best friend." Another red flag. But I still could not let her go. I was afraid that I would never find someone that I felt this way about again. I hate to admit this, but over the next year there were many other red flags. Such as the time she went to Cancun for spring break a few months later with her friends from college including her ex (where he got drunk and angry about her relationship with me and physically abused her), going to a wedding and staying in the same hotel room with her ex a few months after that, continuing to talk to him on the phone and lying to me about it. Everytime I would try to tell her it was over, she would reel me back in. I wanted to be "understanding" and not jealous. I made excuses for her. I had a difficult time letting go of my ex-wife even after I no longer loved her. I knew it was a process and that it takes time, and I wanted to "hang in there" until she completely let go of him. We both knew we should have taken time apart for this, and we tried a couple of times but we could not stand not talking with each other. During the next 6 months, we saw each other about twice a month, and we took vacations together. She invited me to stay with her for a week last October in St. Marteen at her grandmother's timeshare. During that week, we argued some about her ex, but we also had an amazing time together when we weren't fighting. We even went to jewelry store and found an engagement ring that she loved ( I bought it 3 months later, and I still have it). We talked about having a long engagement and moving in together once I found out where I was going to do my residency. But she was still talking to her ex-boyfriend several times a week and lying to me about it. I tried to be understanding about her "friendship", but she lied about it constantly. I overheard some of her conversations, and she still said " I love you" when she hung up with him. I asked her about this and she said," I will always love him, but I am not IN LOVE with him." Our fighting continued to escalate, and I no longer trusted her at all. But I was still very much in love with her. I knew we should take a break, but it was Christmas and I was going to stay with her for two weeks. While I was with her for those two weeks, the chemstry wasn't there. She was no longer affectionate, and I knew something was wrong. We said maybe we should be friends for awhile, but an hour later we were kissing again. Two weeks later I saw her for the final time when I stayed with her for a residency interview. Things felt different. When I returned home, we continued to talk everyday for 3 weeks. She then told me that I was "smothering her" and had been for a long time, and that she needed her space. I recognized that, because I no longer trusted her, I had become controlling. I had invested so much into this relationship and wanted it to work so badly. Because the trust was gone the dynamic of our relationship changed. She said that she just wanted us to get back to the way we used to be. In order to do that, we both agreed that before it got any worse we should take a break. I should mention that we had talked everyday except for 2 days during the previous 1 1/2 years. But we both agreed to "take some time apart." She said she needed to be alone and rediscover herself without being in any relationship. That made sense to me, and I wanted that for her. Actually, I needed to so the same. I had become too needy and dependent on her. That was two months ago. We actually went 2 weeks without talking, and I broke down and called her. She said she needed more time. We slowly started talking again. Then I found out that I was going up to DC for my residency. How ironic. We spent lat 19 months talking about moving in together, and now we were broken up. About two weeks ago she started calling me almost everyday again. She told me that her ex-boyfriend did not just want to be her friend and he could not talk to her anymore. I slowly started to get my hopes up. I thought that when I moved to DC in early June, that we could hang out, take it slow, and see if we could make it work. I thought that now that her ex is totally out of the picture, we could have a chance to start over and finally do it the right way. Then last week she told me that she was in another relationship with someone she met out a month ago. I asked her about her wanting to find herself without a relationship, and she said it just happened. She still calls me almost everyday, and she tells me that she loves me. I asked her in what way does she love me, and she said," I love you very much, and I always will , but I am not IN LOVE with you right now." I am not calling her, but I still answer her calls. Although I feel foolish for letting her treat me the way she has, I am still in love with her and I am having a hard time letting her go, especially knowing that I will be moving back to DC in less than 2 months. Right now I am trying to let go and be her friend. But there is still a very big part of me that wants to go up there, hang out with her, and play it cool, hoping she will have feelings for me again. I can't help it. I did go on a date last week with a very pretty, nice, fun girl, and I really like her, but the chemistry is not what it was with my ex-girlfriend, but I know that with time it could develop into something even better. Who knows? It did help me alot to know that there are other great women out there. I am going to see where it goes, but I still have very strong feelings for my ex-girlfriend. What should I do?