Break Up

[hazeleyed]

i know deep down inside , hes not good for me because hes lied to me in the beginning to gain my interest than the lies just kept going. i let him live with me only to find that he was abusive. I dunt noe I feel so lost inside right now because i devoted 2 yrs to a guy who screwd me over to a point where i dont even know how to go on. I feel alone and lost and my friends are losing interest in this matter. I feel like no one really gives two * * * *s anymore and i am in this battle alone. He still wants to talk things out but i know deep down inisde hes full of lies and betrayal. i know hes had flings over the summer , i know everything but why cant i just move on from all this? I want to be happy again, i want to be able to smile without crying, iwant to stop this hurt and pain but it just isnt happening. I am smarter than this, why did this happen? I am sorry guys, i didnt know who else to talk too..

[sidehop]

It's hard when you can still see some good side of the person but the fact is, you know deep inside he's not the right one for you. Your friends probably have given you so many advices and I'm assuming but losing interest because you probably don't see what they see.

 

I know it's hard to lose someone you care but now is the time to listen to your heart & let yourself heal. It's the only way you'll ever find out if you are happy without him & to me it sounds like you will be. Don't blame yourself too much. Sometimes people have a way of getting deep inside your heart & ripping it into pieces

 

Things will get better for you, that's if YOU decide to change it. Good luck and don't take the road that will hurt you again at the end.

[Heart29]

I know what you mean about not having anyone to talk to because you've talked about it enough. I think you'll have to trust your gut with this one and stay out of an abusive relationship. You will be happy again one day. Feel the pain and one day things will get easier. It's like the scene in Sleepless in Seattle when Tom Hanks talks about how he deals with the death of his wife. He takes in one day at a time...wakes up...brushes his teeth...and deals with it. Hope you'll feel better soon.

[Karibo]

I'm going through the same thing at the moment. He wants me back and part of me is tempted because I still see some good in him and i am so incredibly attatched to him. My friends are getting angry with me because I keep going back on my word about not speaking to him.

 

I know how stuck you feel.

[Lady Bugg]

From the "friends who are sick of hearing it" perspective...you have to see WHY your friends no longer want to hear about it.

 

Basically talking to someone in your situation ends up sounding like a broken record. You say you'll leave him and they are EXCITED and HAPPY for you. They offer you a place to stay..whatever you need...and what do you do? You completely go back on your word, calling him seeing him. That's is completely insulting to their intelligence. At that point they figure if you keep going back you must enjoy the abuse. Put yourself in THEIR shoes for a nano second and stop being selfish. You have wasted their time and basically undermined their trust in you and your integrity. How would you feel if someone you were TRYING to help basically threw it back inyour face and said.."I'm going to disregard EVERYTHING you have said to me, and go back to this LOSER that you hate, regardless of how much you have tried to help me". You become the boy who cried wolf..after a while people get sick of hearing it, and wanting to even be around you. YOU are a drain.

 

Think about that....and you'll understand WHY you feel alone.

[hazeleyed]

First off, I havent been back to him nor have I called him. I have been tempted but I havent been going off and seeing him or whatever nor have I been selfish. I am too much into my pain right now because it really hurts and to know that you were an abusive relationship sucks even more.The culture I was brought up in says stick to one man and its hard growin up in that culture for 19 yrs and than suddenly having to get out of it just because he didnt treat me right. I am a strong woman and although right now I am going through a weak point I know deep down inside I will find my way till the end of the tunnel. As for "understanding WHY you feel alone" there are numerous reasons for that. You don't need to judge me nor whatever because each situatin is different. PEACE

[hazeleyed]

Hi, Well yeah I have talked a lot about it but at the same time I haven't. People know I am hurting, people know I have been depressed but they don't know the images that play in my head nor will they ever because I experienced this first hand and its only something Ican get outoff. People only laugh with you only a very few that actually sit there and cry. I am going to start a new life and prove to myself that I dunt need him. Besides hes the one whose always needed me since I was the mother to him. It will be a burden off because I wont have anyone stopping me to do well with my life.

[hazeleyed]

Karibo, your friends are just friends. They are their for you because you want them there and itis entirely your choice. Let me tell you something though from my experience of my ex. We all love to see the good in people and also love the bad but if the bad gets worse than is it worth it? Think about later marrying this guy and having kids than what? You need someone who will respect you, love you,cherishthe ground you walk on. You do not need someone who will make you feel like dirt. You can be selfish right now because if your friends are really your friends than they wont push you but help you take each step into the light.

[hazeleyed]

I am just really angry right now that i had to waste my time and find out information on him. He was lying and he still was after 1 yr and 7 months which just proves that once a lier always a lier. Hes a waste of my precious 2 years and a waste of my 2 years in University. When I confront him he just lies and when the lies get too much he threatens me that if I ever dig in his past .......... What an idiot, low life. I swear I just need to forget his ugly * * * and move on but its hard because sometimes I wish all of this was false and all of this did not happen to me. All I wanted was love and all I got were lies. For the past 1 yr and 7 months he stayed with me, i cared for him, helped him in school, washed his dishes that he would bring from home, cleaned my house, studied in school, and than had to take abuse from his friends. I know most of you think "what a stupid girl" but i honestly at that moment thought I was a good daughter, a good person, would be a good wife, a good mother once i reached law school. I still want to be in law school , still want to reach the dreams that I dreamt of as a little girl. Gods with me and thats what keeps me going each day.

[blender]

Try to focus on what you know for sure, and that is that he IS abusive and NOT good for YOU. Keep repeating this, and you did not waste two years, they will only be a waste if you choose NOT to learn from this, if you do LEARN from this and move on than those two years were a very valuable lesson, sometimes we just have to be "sad" for a bit before we get to a "better" version of ourselves. This guy is "sick" and his illness of push and pull are beyond your control, you are "powerless" over him, any of his "good" actions towards you have nothing to do with YOU and that goes for any of his "negative" actions towards you, these say so much about HIM. Listen to your gut not your heart on this... You will learn and grow if you can stay away from him and get some prespective the ONLY mistake you can make is "doing the same thing over and over again (like contacting him) and expecting a different result"

 

You have been "educated" as to who he REALLY is and this is different than any "potential you believe" he has... respond with your actions to who he REALLY is, he has revealed his true self, so no matter how many wonderful moments you might have had.. they are only moments, and you would be building a life with him on "quicksand" not "cement"....it will crumble eventually, it already has, and this is NOT your fault, it's the way any relationship he ever has will ever be... this is HIS problem and you can NOT fix this in him.... let go and let god. Look up the book: "Tears and healing" click on it and read some example chapters..

[hazeleyed]

Hi Blender, Thank you for your post. I feel like someone really understands me because all I have been getting is "you shouldnt be sad, you should be happy, smile, bla bla bla" I am not feeling sorry for myself; I think if I was I would not be sitting here and trying to get help. Your right that I have been educated as to who he really is and I guess thats what hurts a lot. To know the images of who I THOUGHT he was has been broken. Why so many lies blender? Why is it that people hurt so much when all you do is try to be a good person? In his emailshe once mentioned how he would take a bullet for me. How can he take a bullet for me when he couldnt take the bullets that came out of his friends mouth towads me? I Have always had to stand up for myself and fight to stand tall with his friends. I have put so much energy and effort into this relationship and every moment I think about it just makes me angry now. I am angry at him for all this. He hasnt stopped playing games either, he gets girls to add me and tell me that him and them have been dating for 2 years, or he will go to the pub and when he finds out i have gone out he will make me feel bad. "Atleast one of us is having a good time". Two days ago I found pictures of him havin SUCH AN AWFUL TIME! LOL

[blender]

Okay, you have learned something about YOURSELF you DO have energy, brains, and a good heart, and yeah you made a "choice" to put this all towards him, the wounded, sick puppy, and now you are "angry" that is exactly what you should be feeling, alternating with your sadness over the "loss" of what you "thought" he could be... but now take all your energy, brains and good heart and put them towards YOURSELF. Stay away from him. and yes, I know when you look back and realize that he never really could "take a bullet" for anyone, not you, not even himself, then you KNOW that you were just to "hopeful" and put a "dream" on him that he could NOT be... Wake up now and live the REAL dream of a Better YOU. This will not be easy and you may need help, just keep writing here, and know that after being in an abusive relationship, even if it's verbal abuse, or simply "neglect" from an "ex", well our "thinking" becomes so skewed, and we feel like we are in a fog, we question our own truths, and that is how we make the wrong decisions about these guys and then let it effect our self esteem... This will take a while to get over, but you are already taking the first baby steps towards healing.. YOU will get through this, please know that you have to work to do on YOURSELF so you make a better choice of mate next time.... but for now, try to be "okay" with being on your own.. This guy's actions and words have nothing to do with YOU, do not give them any POWER, they are worthless, and he KNOWS this, that's why it's so easy for him to use whatever "words" seem good for HIM in any given moment, "I'll take a bullet for you" that's so easy for him to say, because anything is easy for him to say, good or bad, because his words have little meaning to him, he just likes the "effect" they have on other people, this is an ILLNESS, and you do NOT want any part of it... Cry, scream, punch your pillow, you will get through this, just stay away, and be sad for a bit, it's all part of a bigger picture, and you'll soon look back and know why this all happened, heck you are already beginning to "see" that it was a "learning" experience, and you now know what you "truly desire" from a man, and that is commitment, respect, love, understanding, humor, kindness, but first you have to have these feelings for yourself.. and you're going to, starting today.. no contact with him and if anyone of your "friends" brings him up simply have the class to say: "I really don't want to discuss him, the energy isn't worth wasting" nough said..... YOU are going to be OKAY, even better, it will be an ebb and flow off strength and weakness but eventually you will only feel the "strength" keep the perspective on the fact thay you are now making a "choice" to not be anywhere near him, and you do NOT need to make any declarations to him about your decision to "move on" and you do NOT need to educate him by telling him how hurtful he has been, this information is for YOU to learn from, not HIM... get away from him stay away and you can only do this "one day at a time" so for today, let him go, just for today and tomorrow, you can try to make that decision again... with understanding, blender

[hazeleyed]

Blender, your words make me feel powerful and hopeful again. I am really scared of people right now because i am thinking the world is out to get me. Well not exactly but you know wht i mean? I question everything and have doubts towards everyone. When I look in the mirror I remember him calling me a * * * * *, a * * * * * and a * * * *. The truth is I think he was putting thosewords on me when he is the one who is all this. I pity him because he will never find someone like me. I am not trying to boast or make you think that i am wonderful. No i did try to get back with him in september and i was so angry that i just wanted to see him cry.i had become someone who I wasnt and I would just want to watch himcry and when hedid i needed to hold him. Allthis became a pattern. pushing how far I can take it to see him cry. I am a cold * * * * * arent i? I donno whut do u think, I hate myself for that because that person was not me. I would take someones pain forthem rather than giving them pain. You must think awful of me now.

[blender]

Nope I do not think you are awful, you are just "wounded" and this guy would "project" all negative things about himself onto you in different forms and you were like a sponge soaking it all in and it wieghed you down to where you couldn't think straight, and when that happens we go into "survival mode" and sometimes that brings out the "not so nice" in us. The two of you were doing a "sick" dance, and now with a fateful blessing you are smart enough to start getting a "glimmer' of the truth, of who you were with him and who he is no matter who he is with... YOU are going to be okay, and yes, it's going to be tough, but I can just tell that YOU are going to make it through this, and I just know that in a few months you will be posting here helping some other girl be "smart enough" to get away from a guy like your ex.

 

Have you ever gone to an "al-anon" meeting, I know they are for family or friends of alcoholics but after my break up, I was so verbally abused, I hated myself and couldn't even think straight, and I found an al-anon meeting in my area and just walked in, sat in the back and listened to the different speakers, I went for weeks, whenever I could go.. and some nights the person talking said so many things that gave me strength, and wisdom, wisdom that was already deep down inside me, but I had forgotten it during my relationship, and was only "re-acting" to my ex instead of "acting for myself"... YOU can do this, you will make it, just for today, let go... and remember you are Powerless over him, good or bad, you are powerless he is in the hands of fate, his own actions, his own words, have nothing to do with you and will soon have NO effect on your heart... I promise you this....

[Lady Bugg]

Hazel, I'm sorry you got defensive. I did not say YOU went back to your ex, I was simply giving you a perspective on WHY people tend to turn a deaf ear

on people in abusive type relationships. It was not in ANY way meant to judge you. I have had MY share of a-holes in the past, and I understand how you could think they will change.

[hazeleyed]

Hi Lady Bugg, I am sorry for snapping too. I am just going through a rough time but I know it will pass. Blender has been some great help today. thanks for caring

[hazeleyed]

Blender, I was looking back on some of the conversations I had with him and its halrious that when I try analyzing them they seem so repeative. They all seem like its a broken record. I am going to paste you somethings he said to me which he said exactly a year ago when I broke up with him. There is his friend and he never stuck up for me while his friends made fun of me and said so much * * * *. But it all makes sense doesnt it? Why would his friends respect me when he didnt respect me? Why would they respect me when all he did was lie to me and they all knew that? He told me he had told this friend off and would never associate with them yet while I broke up with him during the summer he went right bck to him? His excuse in September was that he had nobody and the friend got him out of his house and did things. I hate the fact to even think that he met gurls and he lied to me. Why did I want to believe in him so bad? Here is some of the things hes said to me.

[blender]

Yes, it's all too repetitive, and it's getting more clear to you because you are going to get "better" and as far as he or his friends respecting YOU, well they can NOT respect anyone because they do NOT respect themselves, deep down inside, birds of a feather stick together, and you are going to FLY away from these idiots... and I know you miss him, but you really are just missing the "dream" you had about a future with a healthier "him"... but that guy does NOT exsist. He's a nightmare. And I know you may think "you" had some "control" over how he acts but that is so not true, he would act like this no matter who was going out with, YOU have too much class to be involved with this guy, believe this about yourself, this is all happening for a reason and you have to try to "stay strong" and get into a "clear way" of thinking, it is NOT acceptable for any man to disrespect you, if someone does not show respect it does NOT mean it's about YOU, it's about THEM... the only thing you need to look at is "why?" it was okay for you to be treated this way...and to make sure you do NOT let this happen again. Love is about "respect" and a man either has the "ability" to respect women because he has been taught to do so, and believes it is right, or he does NOT know how to do it, and that's all. It is not about YOU not being respected, it's about him being a jerk.. and for awhile your heart and mind were temporarily "blurred" but in time you will look back and think, "why did I stick around as long as I did?" Let him go meet other girls, let them deal with his "looser-ship", you are on to better things in life... yes it will hurt for a bit, but only because you are "disappointed" in what you "thought" you might have with this guy, but you are not losing or going to miss what you ACTUALLY experienced with him... you'll see, you DEFINE yourself, he does not define you... do you understand, keep your head up and get away from him and his weirdo idiot imature friends, and you will soar to hieghts you never imagined... YOU are on the road to recovery from an abusive relationship and it takes a while for your heart to catch up to your head... but please take the time to do this, stay away from him, no more conversations discussing who did what, right or wrong, the FACT is, he was not "right" and you know this deep in your gut, that "feeling" is there for "guidance" listen to it, respond to it with your actions and have the good sense to "move on", you can do this... act as if you deserve better and you will receive it, anyone who does not "act respectful" should NOT be in your life.

[hazeleyed]

Blender your words leave me speechless and feeling like i used to feel before I met him. I believe that sitting here and readng your words restores the courage and strength that I had but forgot while dating my ex. As a little girl I grew up thinking I was going to save the world and for a while I believed it. I still do to be honest, I want to become a lawyer and help women and children. I want to do something for my land, for my people. I know this doesn;t make sense since we are talking about my ex but something inside me felt dead and is starting to come alive. I did not even think I was going to end up on a site like this. I have been wasting my life away on alcohol for a few weeks now. I go out, get drunk and cry all night. For the first time ever I went out , drank 2 smirnoffs and danced the whole night away. To be honest it felt soooo good because that is why I started clubbing for; to dance. I love dancing so much because its an art and it makes me dance out the movements i feel at that moment. It is how I express myself and I see me dancing my whole life. Today for the first time I felt free and it didn't get back to bite me in the * * *. You are right his idiot friends dont matter, he doesnt matter. Today I was approached by a guy and the first thing that came to my mind was I dont want to be invovled because I am really scared of being hurt again. Although he gave me his number and everything I do not wish to call him or speak to him. Yes, I am a pretty girl but I never realized that maybe thats why I got into this trap. Maybe that is why when 5 guys were giving me their attention first year of univ I was lost at what to do because I had never gotten that sort of attention for guys. I came from an all gurls school and I just didnt understand what to do. I am still confused about my life but I am trying to take it one step at a time and doing my best to hang in. My bestfriend has been very supportive and takes really good care of me but there is so much someone can do right? The real healing and the real heart to fight starts within me. But please dont stop posting to me, your words make me feel powerful even if its for a brief hour or so.

[blender]

Yes! You sound better, and this is the first step, realizing that when in a relationship you should NOT lose YOURSELF even the tiniest bit. When the "love" is a healthy one, one that is "right" you start to excell in your personal endeavors as well as enjoying your loved ones achievements and this is a two way street, but first you have to have your OWN CAR in the right gear, take this time to work on YOU. Dancing is a great thing, and you are so smart to look back at arriving at University and the "difference" you encountered of the "attention", I too went to an all girls high school and remember the "WHAMMM" of being around guys at university, and my head was spinning and all I concentrated on was my social life, and believe me "drinking" and getting "drunk" always feels horrible the morning after, try getting "addicted" to the self control of having one or two drinks and dancing the night away, to a better physically and mentally "fit" YOU. This is only the beginning of great things, and a stronger, more confident, more attractive, more selective YOU.

 

This is all a blessing, even the "heartache" is, I've been there and wouldn't trade in any of my "tears" because I learned so much about me and that when I have standards, I do NOT make so many mistakes... YOU have standards and from now on will only let people into your life who have the same values... this is the way to happiness! and when the "tough days" do come around you are better prepared to know that "this too shall pass" and you have the integrity and strength to handle anything put in your path... YOU HAVE CLASS... If you want to know what someone is really like, look at the friends they choose to have around them.... your ex is the one suffering the REAL loss here... you're just starting to get going, back to YOU.

 

Remember it will be and ebb and flow of good and bad days, but you now know that your "values" are back in place, and that is more precious than anything, you need to have your 'sense of self" before really building anything with anyone else..... go grab life by one step and one day at a time... keeping your personal dreams alive! AND DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!

[hazeleyed]

Blender, I am scared of what I did today. He came by and I dont know we talked and than we ending up making out. But listen please dont think oh no but what happeend was while we were making out something inside me just ticked and said I am going to move on from here and Iam going to forgive this guy and stop this hate. I felt like this was the last time he was ever going to touch me and hold me again. We spent a lot of time talking and that was it. I feel good inside because I finally didnt just give in and say I want you back. I know you might think the whole making out is giving in. But for some reason I feel free and for some reason I feel like I want to move on now. I dont want to worry about him and what hes doing because he is never going to change.

[hazeleyed]

Blender, I am feeling a bit lost right now. Although I am happy for what has happened I still feel like I cant focus. Everything is a bit blury and I have this assignment due in less than 5 hours worth a lot of marks. I cant do this anymore please just i dunno anymore. I feel like an idiot because something inside me is so tired of everything. I need time, I need power, I need the strength to pull myself out of this hole.

[blender]

Okay honey, you just had a bit of some "fall-back" thinking it's okay, you will be okay, this is all about learning and some lessons are just tougher than others in life.

 

You already know that this guy is NOT right for you, however sometimes getting "over" what we "had" even if it wasn't "right" for us is very difficult, but know that you can move past this, but you have to make a decision about it each and every day, just ONE day at a time, this is how it is done. So for today try to "let go" of him, and the "you" you become when you are around him... "making out" is something that is comfortable with him, but that is NOT what a relationship is built on, it's about love, trust, self respect, mutual respect and someone you love and admire...

 

but first you must learn to feel these things on you OWN, for yourself, and I know it all sounds so corny but its sooooo true. We've all been there, but when YOU are going through it, it feels so hopeless at times, but that is just a "feeling" not a "fact". I really think you should try to stay away from this guy and YOU can do it, you just have to make that decision for today, for today only, you will not contact him or see him.. can you do this?

 

You are precious and deserve to be cherished, and when the love is the "right" one, you do NOT have to explain any of these things to him, it will be "just right", and with this guy it just ISN'T.. Sometimes we need to remember to make a decision based on how we "feel" after we've spent time with the guy, not how we feel "during" it.... do you understand this?

 

You are trying to get some work done and you are reeling from spending time with him... this is a SIGN that he's NOT the one... your gut is telling you something is not "right" but you keep fighting this instinct and letting your confused heart get in the way... go to your strong thoughts and move beyone the "making out" and let it go, okay you did it, it's over, but try NOT to put yourself in this situation again.....remember how you FEEL "after" it's over.... YOU deserve better but it has to start with YOU and the CHOICES you make....

 

I'm here for you, be here for yourself as well, you can start by making some "choices" today that are all about you on your OWN, and no one else.....

[hazeleyed]

Dear Blender,

 

I am feeling a lot better because I got my work done and I have so much more to do within the next couple of days that I cannot afford to get side tracked. Remember how I told you that I went clubbing? Well I met a few guys and they showed so much attention towards me. Two guys admitted being attracted to me and said I looked good. I felt really uncomfortable with that attention throughout my whole life. Maybe because I lack self esteem i dont know? My ex is my comfort zone but at the same time hes not right for me and you are right my gut does know that. Today I spent some time with a guy and my gurl pushed me and I am kind of glad I did because my ex taught me a lesson. Never to trust anybody blindly and as I sat there today listening to this guy I was thinking to myself woah some of the things hes saying is just to make himself look good, to impress me. But I dont think I would have known that unless my ex had taught me. What I learnt from today was my ex will never change and he will never ever love me the way I pictured it. I am good enough for any guy right? I hope you arent getting tired of hearing from me because I am getting tired of hearing this from myself. Its like buddy get over it already but than my heart is so lost. One guy who I have known for 3-4 years came up to me and said he was attracted to me but he respects his boy (my previous ex) and would not do anything to hurt him. I felt happy but at the same time I brought it all down too because I was like something must be wrong with me for guys to tell me this and not do anything about it. Its just my feelings are so jumbled up right now and I cannot get them to straighten up. I feel good and the very next minute I feel low. Its kind of like a drug addict who is getting off drugs and I am trying very hard. Today was a bad day but I am glad I am going home to my parents and I wont need to stay on residence for 4 months and hopefully this distance will help me heal and put my mind somewhere else. My ex has already moved on with new gurls, hes having his fun but when hes near me he pretends hes all sad and * * * * but I know now. All I want to do is heal, I have cried so many tears. I have punched the walls, I have screamed so much, I have thrown up and now its time I put him to rest. I want to be happy Blender, I want to get my GPA high to get into law school , I want to do bigger things, I want to make my parents proud of me. I don't want to be stuck in this and I dont want to come back in September and fall back. My bestfriend told me straight out there is a good chance I might fall back and that makes me angry. I am getting a lot these days, angry to a point where I want to punch something. * * * *, sometimes I feel like I am stupid because a "normal" gurl would have dropped this guy a long time yet I kept going and going. I was a fool and Marvin Gayes song "everybody plays a fool" comes to mind. How music can make you feel good for just a brief moment...Blender, please dont give up on me because these msgs from you are the only thing thats keeping me going. I feel strong when I read your msgs , and when I write back it helps me analyze and put things into prespective and paint the bigger picture...does all this ranting make sense? lol

[Movin on up]

Hey kiddo don't feel like you're alone. i know its a hard thing to do but it seems like you are a very sincere person who has talked this out with anyone who'll listen You have friends here who are going through similar situations & we are here to help each other!! Consider yourself lucky to have stumbled onto this site!! keep your chin up !! It is not you with the problem here It is him!! Being abused is the last thing you want to be You deserve to be loved & treated with dignity & respect. I know you care for him but is it all worth it? You are welcome to talk to us whenever you'd like just don't feel like you're alone!! YOU'RE NOT!! take care