Break Up

[hazeleyed]

Hi Movin on & up, I am honestly similing at the fact that I have people who actually care on this site for me. Blender who spends a lot of time writing back and forth to me just shows how much people do really care. Now you , it feels good and sometimes that is all you need to get pushed out of the situation I am in. I feel as if I can write my thoughts here and people wont judge me as much and thats what makes me want to open up more. Thank you for your kind words, much appreciated.

[hazeleyed]

Today was a good day because for the first time ever I felt good lol. I was laughing?!!! OMG Me and my girls went out to dinner and I was having such an amazing time and it felt so good to sit in the on the patio under the sunlight and eat. I thought about him and every car that passed by I would galance over to see if it was him or not. I admit I miss him sometimes but its not really him I miss its ME. I was good in this relationship but he wasnt. He called me today and for the first time ever I felt good about telling him that there is nothing to talk about, for the first time in a long time I felt good in telling him that his talking time is over because he had 2 years to talk but he didnt. It felt good to not be sucked into his words and let my emotions play a role. I felt good in the end because I stayed strong and I went to my favorite place in University and sat by the water and let the wind blow against my face. It felt good not to have to worry and talk about anything because for the first time ever I felt as if I was flying with my feet on the ground. Blender I know that this was just an easy day and there will be rougher days but I am just glad that its one day down.

[blender]

Yes, this was a good day, and you will have many more, and there will be "setback" days as well, but please remember you can NOT find your happiness from "external" things, true contentment comes from inside your OWN heart, and NOT by trying to covet someone else's heart.

 

So please try to take this time to be on your OWN, without a GUY in your life. If you think that by "meeting some new guy" you will "feel better" it will only be a temporary "fix" on what is really missing and that is to find your "sense of self" and build on it before getting involved with any guy, or even going back to the ex. Keep spending time with your friends, and ALLOW YOURSELF THE TIME TO HEAL...

 

and always seek to find your "truth/worthiness" inside of YOU, and NOT by getting validation from some guy... this NEVER works, no matter who the guy is, if he's a JERK then your heart will be at his mercy (like with your ex) if you don't "grow enough" to be strong on your own for awhile first.

 

And even if you meet a "great guy" before you do this self-work he won't stick around long if you do not have your own "sense of happiness from within your own heart".

 

Stick with hanging with "healthy" friends, and feel no rush to be with any men right now, just work on making yourself smarter, happier, selective and above all have your own set of values, these will help guide you to make the best decisions, and you won't feel so many "ups and downs" when it comes to future relationships, when you have 'values/standards/your own career" you will know who to go out with and whom not to stay around..this includes friends as well as guys...

 

This time on your own without a man is precious, valuable time to "learn" what it is you are seeking to find so desperately outside of yourself, the answer is "inside" your own heart, but you may never really "find" it if you go from relationship to relationship seeking validation....validation does not come from "outside" of us. When we get a "fix" to our ego from others, it's always temporary, people come and go in our lives, we need to be "happy/content" with who we are, what we do, have the self respect to know that when we look to either side of us, we see people we love, admire, respect and they feel the same for us. This is the goal. This is success.

[hazeleyed]

Dear Blender,

 

This whole week I have been approached by four different guys who claim to be attracted to me. Its really halrious because now I just sit there and think about what my standards are and as they talk I am checking marking or crossing out what htey dont have. I know I am not going to get into a relationship because as you said I need to heal and we both know that I need to find happiness within me before I go at this dating crap again. On another note my ex emailed me a five page document on word writing his sappy story. THis has happened before when i broke up with him and its like a cycle. In the email he says that he cares for me and tells me things that I have already found out about hi, In the email he mentions how hes sorry and that I am a gem of a person and he knows he doesnt deserve a second chance, and all this. He says he wants me to be introduced to his friends and introduce to his sister and such. He wants me to not be in a friendship with him but personally i think he just misses his prize. He saw me today and I looked good (not being cocky) its been a while since I looked like this and I think that is exactly what he misses. I did cry tears but than I found my friends and talked to them about it and it made me realize a lot. I know this could have been a weak moment and I might have gone back but everyday I have achoice to make...each day comes with a new choice, a new chance to began over again...

[hazeleyed]

Dear Blender,

 

I was feeling frustrated today about everything so I decided to let myself get dragged to the gym instead of going to a party and drinking. The feeling that I was looking for in the drinking was actually what I wanted from working out. It felt SOOO GOOD to just work out and sweat for 30 minutes straight that I just kept going. I like the new me...

[Ineedtowakeup]

I know how you feel. I don't blame my friends for rolling their eyes at me and don't talk about it with them anymore, I think they are all sick of the whole thing. They finally quit telling me he was a loser and I finally woke up and realized he was. I look stupid, how many times do you need to get kicked before you move away from the source. I couldn't figure out why I kept going back, and I finally did. I was going to prove that everyone was wrong about him and that he really did love me. Well, that was a joke, he only loves himself and was using me. I think when you are good to someone and they abuse you, it makes you feel less of a person. I kept asking what is wrong with me and guess what....nothing is. He was a miserable person before I met him and he'll be a miserable person long after I'm gone.

[kadvati79]

Funny thing... same thing happened with me in first few weeks I drove my friends insane about it. Then i went "NC" regarding my ex with all my friends, family, and co-workers. Suddenly they started BRINGING it up themselves. People still do, "are you still talking with [insert ex's name]? I think he really misses you". Jacka$$es! lol...

[hazeleyed]

Dear Blender,

 

Today I talked to him and his friend on MSN. it didnt go too well because it hurt to know that he will never change. i dont mean i gave him another chance just we were talking about his friend threatened me about something and he didnt even say anything to him. I want the last hope in me to die and crush, this is so hard to move on. Even thoug I just want to move on , getting up day by day is so hard sometimes because i feel so alone, i feel like i have lost myself. Jus today i found out the friend i trusted is also * * * *ed up because she betrayed me too over a guy. Whyis it that life has turnedits back on me? Why is it that each day when i try to make a step up i fall right down, why can i not grasp my life , why is it that its all slipping from my hands...i am not getting along with anyoneanymore, i came back home from univ and my parents fight like crazy...no one seems to understand that i am really hurting, that i am not selfish, that i am not a * * * * *, that i am just lost in a world that is just out to hurt and not love the way i want it too. Why did i have to find a gurl who just ended up backstabbin me right aftr my ex? am i just not good enough forlove? Am i notgood enough to have another human being adore me, cherish me, hold me? Am I so bad that I am cursed to live alone? Blender...i dun even know how to go on...yes i wake up everyday, i have things to do, i do them, i go to bed...the nights are the hardest because it seems like all the pain comes back then and sometimes i can endure it sometimes i cant...sometimes it all seems like a hopeless place where darkness crawls around waiting to suck me in. I need to get out of this hole and i am hoping that as the months continue the pain will weaken and i will start smiling once more , there will be glow on my face again, my heart will be able to lock this pain away and move onto a happier place...as i write this tears fall down and i am waiting for the day these eyes will shine again...only with happiness and love..and the years of experience not from a naive child but the eyes of a grown woman as she matures into womanhood.

[blender]

hazeleyed, you will make it through all of this, I can just tell by how you use words to express yourself, you are "worthy" of love, but fate is holding the "right kind of love" in store for you, for today, you are simply "stuck" in a place of "missing" what you "thought" would be good... that's all, it's only what you "thought would be" and it's a "great thing" that this guy is moving out of your life... please try not to talk to him or im him, or anything.. and as far as your friend goes, well, that's her problem, and as we go through life we do enter into "very difficult phrases" and we 'develop a stronger character" during these times, and they happen for a reason.

 

I'm so sorry it's been so difficult for you, but i promise we have all been there, when we feel like we can hardly breathe because our hearts ache.. but it does pass, and the great things is, you are "hoping" for a better outcome and it shall be.. I just know this, please hang in there, and know that life is a journey and you are just going through a very rough patch, don't let too many of the "hard branches" bruise you,, push those sad thoughts out of the way and believe, yes BELIEVE that all will be okay.. you'll see, it's all in how you CHOOSE to respond to all this... learn from it, know that you are going to "choose" men and friends as wisely as you can, people who share good values with you, and as far as your parents go...yeah it's so tough when they bicker back and forth and you are hurting inside, and you just want a cozy place to fall..

 

But you do have this cozy place, it's your OWN heart... it's all we came into this earth with, and it's our "survival" you need to nurture you OWN heart, you can NOT find this outside yourself.. this comes from within and I can tell that you are really ready to "heal" and move past all this.. but it will take some time, but this is only a phase, and it's always so hard to remember to "believe" that good things are ahead, so try to stop looking back at this "ex" of yours.. please, he is sooo unhealthy and messed up and when you keep in touch with someone like that, thier "sickness" has a way of "rubbing off" on you.. and you do NOT deserve this in your life, it's okay to be "alone" for a bit.. it really is, do you ever go and get a great book to read? What are your interests? I'm here for you.. you're gonna be okay.. I promise you this... really, honestly, it will all be okay, it will just have to "hurt" for a bit... I've been there and thought I'd never "shake it" all off me, but I started to read, and just simply "believe" that, yeah today is so tough, but there is always a tomorrow, and then another, and soon we get "stronger" better, smarter, and more free from what we "thought" would be, and we start to embrace what will be....

[hazeleyed]

Blender is there any way I can keep in touch with you besides this?

[blender]

Of course you can pm me on this site, and our words will be between us. I'm here for you.

[hazeleyed]

done..just wrote u 2

[blender]

just wrote you back...

[hazeleyed]

i am beginnin to hate this guy day by day cuz he just makes me soa ngry. he told me one thing and he makes himself look so sad and how his life is * * * *, than the next hes going out and buyin tings for his car with his BESTFRIEND...supposedly this bestfriend is nobody to him yet hes going out there and oing things withhim...tlak about manipulaion, lies , * * * *ed up world