possible to not want a relationship?

[neolithic]

hi all.. again..

i've been posting on here a lot about my situation. my boyfriend and i broke up but we continue to see each other. we have fun and just hang out sometimes, keep in pretty regular contact, etc. i really like it.. except i feel like if i were doing all the right things then he'd want me as his girlfriend again, instead of just dating.

 

however, tonight i came to the conclusion tonight that if i told him i wanted him to be my boyfriend, then i'd be lying. i know that i'm happy doing what we're doing and i don't want a relationship right now but my question is this..

 

is it possible to not want a relationship in a situation like this? or is it that we're just not "meant to be" (though i'm not looking for "forever" or anything, yet)?

 

i feel sort of guilty for not wanting one.. even though i don't want one with anyone. if we were doing all the right things, would i want one? a relationship seems like a whole lot to give right now, and i don't have the energy for that, really.

 

so, is it normal? or just not "right"?

 

thanks

[itsallgrand]

Normal. You have a relationship - a friendship!

Sounds great. He knows you well, you know him well, and you both have agreed upon it.

 

I say...Enjoy!

[neolithic]

phew, that makes me feel better. sometimes committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationships can just be too stressful and diverting..

[arwen]

Of course that's normal. I have been through different periods where I didn't feel like having a relationship. I think that it also means you don't want to be with your ex 'in that way'. You are friends now, which is great!

 

Ilse

[neolithic]

well, i do feel like i want him to be my boyfriend.. whenever i want a boyfriend again. right now we are both swamped with school and preparing for the summer, and i don't like thinking about having any obligations to each other. it feels good to go out because we want to and not because we have to, or should. i mean, i love him. and i prefer dating him dramatically over everyone else i've been seeing!

[arwen]

But who initiated the break up? Just curious why you guys split if things are still great now?

[neolithic]

well, there were a lot of things.. mostly just personal relationship habits. all my other relationships ended because i started fighting a lot, and there are things he does too that he did in other relationships. anyway, we broke up (pretty mutually) in a fight, but continued to see each other and talk about getting back together. i got frustrated by feeling like i needed to know NOW and so i broke it off altogether. i called him a few days later and we started just dating again. but during this period i took a whooooole lot of time and tried to figure out WHY i start fights and WHY i care about these things, WHY i need control and WHY i need to always know now. i have learned a lot about myself.. and when we hang out and talk everyday, we almost never fight. i sort of learned to let it go.. i knew i'd have to learn that or else all my relationships would continue to fail because of the same things. he's working on his stuff too.. we've both improved, i think, because we're both still there for each other but at the same time, there's no pressure. but there's motivation!

[itsallgrand]

That sounds like the ideal situation for you both right now.

 

Sometimes its hard to just be. We finally get to a place where we are happy...and thoughts keep popping up bc we feel like there HAS to be something wrong all the time. You're working on letting things be.

 

Enjoy the sunshine. The rain will come soon enough.

[kadvati79]

How would you feel if you found out he was sleeping with someone else? What about if he started DATING someone else?

[neolithic]

i've already thought about him dating other people.. of course i would hate it. i'd be jealous, but, i can't ask him to be exclusive to me if i want to go out and explore options or at least determine i'm not dependent on him. it's just the nature of the beast. and maybe if that happens, and i feel something that i know is more than just jealousy, then i'll know if i really do want him to be my boyfriend right now.

 

but, if he continued to sleep with me and started sleeping with someone else.. then i could get mad. he's always had a rule that, if you're sleeping with someone regularly, you don't sleep with anyone else. but other than that..

 

this not wanting a relationship right now is mutual. but we still love each other, just.. worn out. we've always had relationships, ever since i can remember..