Is it possible to maintain a friendship after a relationship?

[Skippy]

Hi

IS it possible to maintain a friendship right after a relationship without going thru a NC??

Assuming that the relationship ended amicably??

Or is that the best way to get broken hearted?

Is it a requirement that ppl go thru NC?

[Dako]

Yes, but it's not easy.

[Skippy]

dako.. you done it?

[trident]

Anything is possible. However just because a "good breakup" happens where one side doesn't hate the other, doesn't mean that raw feelings and some form of heart break don't exist on one side or the other.

[RayKay]

Yes, but it is very difficult, especially since for one person it ends up being less 'amicable'. For example one of my friends and his gf split up "amicably", but she changed her mind not long after...and was crushed when he hadn't. And even more so when he moved in with someone else within months and was married by end of the year.

 

I have done it, but often wish I had gone NC for at least a few months.

 

Amicable or not, there are still hurt feelings and a lot of pain.

 

It's usually easier when neither of you tells one another about whom you are dating, etc....but then are you really friends if you are not able to share things like that? It's not a true friendship until you can move on and heal in my opinion.

[spunkmaster]

I tried that a couple of times with my first serious ex. It ended bad, but I was still in love with him and wanted him in my life. However, it just wasn't working, because all he ever wanted to talk about was how sorry he was that he screwed up and how bad he wanted me back. Then fate intervened in a weird sort of way, and we didn't talk for about 4 months (he's active military). When he came back, we formed a tentative friendship after he saw that I had indeed moved on and wasn't going to give him another chance, at least not yet. I think maybe it helps that we grew up together, and were really good friends before we dated. The othe serious ex and I can't talk without arguing, so I've given up on him completely.

 

Hope that helps!

[blueangel]

It takes time. You shouldn't attempt to still see one another a lot when feelings are fresh. Let it be casual- show that you still care, but before you two really get deeper than that, make sure you are over them. It's easier to be friends when you've both moved on. But yes, in time, you can always be friends.

 

Unless they're stupid or abusive... as I always say...

[Dako]

So far.

25 year marriage ended, I had a nice chat with her Sunday and expect a call tonight. We do lunch when we get time. We care about each other but have no chance of reconciliation. NC would be easier, but the friendship has real value for us. We've had no harsh words since the split in September.

I realize this sounds weird, especially to angry people. Being kind to each other is a habit we developed over many years. I hope she meets a good guy.

[Skippy]

what should i look out for?? what should i do .. avoid.. not do ..

i want to avoid going thru more pain then i need to and i dont want to inflict pain on her either. (this is very important point)

So advice will be really appreiated..

She is my best friend. unfortunately things just didnt work out.

so there is hurt, but we understand why i didnt work

[Dako]

Let go of blame, guilt, envy, jealousy, loneliness...all the emotions that come with a split that can trip you up. Don't wallow in the past or do anything to bring the other down. Remember them as you met them and show the same care you had when love paved the way. Realize you both hurt, you both miss the past and you both aren't going to be together like that again. See each other as the same treasures you once were to each other. Don't throw out the friendship you built.

 

Be as gentle with her as posible, or give her space. Only positive companionship without baggage.

 

If that fails, you can always go scortched -earth.

[blueangel]

Let go of blame, guilt, envy, jealousy, loneliness...all the emotions that come with a split that can trip you up. Don't wallow in the past or do anything to bring the other down. Remember them as you met them and show the same care you had when love paved the way. Realize you both hurt, you both miss the past and you both aren't going to be together like that again. See each other as the same treasures you once were to each other. Don't throw out the friendship you built.

 

If that fails, you can always go scortched -earth.

 

I think you really said it. Specific and articulate- very true.

[bobo85]

Yes, but they will never be TRUE friends. They will either be Friends with benefits, or friends with limited contact.

 

Friends should be able to give each other advice on almost everything. Well how are you going to tell your ex-gf/ex-bf that you just had the best sexual experience the other day.

 

Conversation between ex's are very limited to the following subjects:

-the weather

-what did they do today/last week/last month..etc

-How's work/school

-family

 

 

OR.....

 

One person is in it for friendship alone...and the other one is in it to hang on for possible hope for a future relationship.

but never--

-sex/dealing with the opposite sex

-dating

-past relationship

-advice on relationships

[Dako]

I've heard that elswhere, and find it amusing.

I've experience something entirely different, and witnessed the same among my friends. One friend stays with his ex and her husband when he visits her for the holidays. Another takes each of his ex wives on dinner dates.

All of these people are over 40, and have a broader view of relationships than young folks seem to have.

 

You only get so many good friends. It's worth preserving them.

[blueangel]

Yes, but they will never be TRUE friends. They will either be Friends with benefits, or friends with limited contact.

 

Friends should be able to give each other advice on almost everything. Well how are you going to tell your ex-gf/ex-bf that you just had the best sexual experience the other day.

 

Conversation between ex's are very limited to the following subjects:

-the weather

-what did they do today/last week/last month..etc

-How's work/school

-family

 

 

OR.....

 

One person is in it for friendship alone...and the other one is in it to hang on for possible hope for a future relationship.

but never--

-sex/dealing with the opposite sex

-dating

-past relationship

-advice on relationships

 

That I find VERY untrue for myself. My ex and I encourage each other with our new relationships. We help each other get over the other and talk about why OUR relationship didn't work. Since it is natural to only talk about sexuality with other people with friends, you will start to only view them as a friend... releasing all tension you had before.

[Skippy]

I have never even considered tryin to be friends with any of my ex's but because this relationship ended on truth and not betrayal i am willing to go the distance to preserve this friendship.

I stil love her and i know she loves me,but due to our situations we have to let go. It is the situation that is to blame and not each other.

So i dont want either of us to develop resentment toward one another. Pls advice .

[Dako]

I doubt if infidelity or other stress would allow for friendship, but it seems like you have something to salvage from this heathy relationship. All you can do is express your concerns and feelings as gently and honestly as possible while you both heal. As time passes you can compare notes about your entries into the single world. I'd recommend lunch instead of dinner, short phone calls and keeping it light for a while.

Dinner with wine is a recipe for disaster, and it's good to meet on neutral ground, such as public spaces.

 

If you both want it, you can do it.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Skippy - I think Dako is offering some great advice and as he said, he's living proof it can work. Sounds like he knows the pit falls too. Re-read his posts and take it to heart.

 

Bobo - sounds like that may be an age or at the very least a maturity issue.

[Skippy]

your advice has been invaluable, thank you so much Dako.

I going to dig down and and gather my strenght. cos this friendship is worth it.

Thank you all for your advice.

[trident]

I stil love her and i know she loves me,but due to our situations we have to let go. It is the situation that is to blame and not each other.

So i dont want either of us to develop resentment toward one another. Pls advice .

 

I'm in a similar "right thing, wrong time" situation. There is no easy answer. However, you need to honestly decide for yourself whether the romance is over and you need to accept your decision. Telling yourself the romance is dead when you don't believe or accept it will just lead to pain and confusion.

 

Not that I can follow my own advice.

 

Good luck

[Dako]

Hope it helps.

Good luck.

[CarterJonas]

If it was amicable then maybe, if not then no. Sometimes people make the mistake of thinking the breakup is amicable when what they really want is the person back in their lives as their bf/gf. This stops them from moving on.

[Cooperstown]

If the person you broke up with is willing and ok with it then it can work. I just split up with my ex of two years in early December and I let her make all the contact and let her choose what she was comfortable with. I still consider her one of my best friends and she does me, there's no hope of us getting back together, it's just a mutual respect for one another. It's weird, it's like since the split were more open to talk about things, such as why we were unhappy in the relationship and we even give each other advice about people were seeing. It's actually very fulfilling if you honestly respect the person and both of you can handle it.

[nero2000]

Me and my ex lived together for a while after breaking up due to circumstances, and now we still chat on the phone to see how each other is doing, we're still good friends. It was a very mutual break up. We know each other so well and were such good friends it seemed silly to just cut ties.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think a friendship with an ex is a possible thing. I am best friends with my first ex and we talk about relationship issues, his life, my life, etc. I still care about the guy deeply even though he now has a bf and that has caused some tension in our friendship. I am not saying it isnt hard or not painful. Sometimes, being friends with an ex is a hard thing to do and painful. It was hard for me to stay friends with my ex after he told me he was gay and then proceeded to go and find a new bf. Is it positive to stay friends with an ex, it depends. Right now I am having problems with my best friend (first ex) because he takes me for granted and expects a bit too much out of me.

[Momene]

It is possible but it gets difficult if one of you starts dating someone else, especially if the new person feels threatened.