My mom's an alcoholic

[Aporia]

It's like i've only started to realize how bad the situation is now. I've just grown up with it and didn't actaully stop to think until the other day when she stole my bus money last friday morning. She was after leaving the house for the morning with her friend and I couldn't get to college so I rang her but she kept cancelling the calls. When I did finally get through to her she sounded very drunk [this is at 11 o' clock in the morning] and wouldn't listen to me even though I was roaring crying.

 

I had to call my dad at work and ask him to give me a lift in because I had geography fieldwork project to hand up which accounts for twenty percent of my final exam. That's why I was so worried.

 

She's been drinking everyday for the last twenty years now. When I was about seven or eight she booked herself into a recovery clinic. It didn't go well. She didn't eat for weeks and finally collapsed and was brought to hospital where she nearly died.

 

After that she went back home and started drinking heavily again. By heavily I mean three bottles of wine a day. She sleeps in everyday until about two. She then gets up and is sober for about an hour. This is the only time I can talk to her. Then she drinks. She just sits there. She never cleans our house and rarley leaves it because she gets anxiety attacks.

 

I tried to tell her last night for the first time that drinking is the root of her problems. I tried to tell her to get a job or a hobby or something beacause sitting in a house all day isn't going to help her. But she doesn't want to change. I asked her not to drink today because she kept telling me she's not an alcoholic. I said proove it by not drinking tomorow but she said she can't do it.

 

She has seen therapists before but when she does she mentions nothing about her drinking and they end up prescribing anti-depressants. That's so dangerous.

 

I'm just so worried about her and really don't know what to do. What can I do?

I can't even believe I wrote that because I've never talked to anyone about this before.

[DN]

I strongly suggest that you check out this organisation which is there to help people in your situation: link removed

[Meow18]

The problem is that your mom doesn't realize she has a problem. And that's the saddest thing ever. No matter how many times you talk to her, it's not going to get through to her. She's in denial. She doesn't see things clearly when she's not drunk. She has no idea what the real effects are of her drinking.

 

It's just so sad because usually it takes something really serious to make a person see what they are doing to themselves.

 

Does your dad live in your home? I think that it's important for the both of you to be there for each other. Sometimes it really helps to have someone who understands exactly what you are feeling.

 

I found this article for you. Maybe it might help you. link removed

[Aporia]

Thanks for the replies. I'm from Ireland so I don't think that organisation would be helpful.

 

My dad lives at home. But they don't really get on. She sleeps in a downstairs room. My dad told me the other day that I shouldn't depend on her for anything and that he had to put up with this kind of behaviour for eighteen years. He's the one that told me about her lying to the psychiatrists that afternoon driving to college. She was addicted to anti-depressants in the past too. I think that's why she admitted her self to that place. Last night she told me that when she was in the hospital that time that she nearly died my dad came into see her and told her he wished she had died. This was one of the most shocking things I've ever heard. At a time like that she didn't need someone to say that.

[DN]

Here is a webpage of AlAnon in Ireland

 

link removed&

[Tigris]

You are worried sick right now about your Mother. Can you imagine how your Father's been coping for all those years before you realised what's been going on? He probably said that to your Mother because at the time he couldn't take anymore. It's obvious that he cares because otherwise he wouldn't still be in the same house!

 

It sounds to me like your Mother has some underlying problems that she doesn't want to deal with so she drinks to forget about them.

 

Unless your Mother wants to admit to her problem and help herself there's nothing you or your Father or anyone else can do.

 

I don't know if you're old enough to drink alcohol yet but when you do please be careful because you could easily turn into her. Limit yourself!

 

I suggest you concentrate on your college work and get good exam results. As soon as you're old enough find somewhere else to live because I can't see this situation getting any easier for you. ***Find yourself somewhere you can hide your money without her knowing!***

 

Good luck and take care.

[Aporia]

Thanks for the link DN.

 

I really don't think you could say that to someone you love at a time when they need you the most though.

 

My mother has an abusive past. She told me the night before last that all she ever wanted growing up was to be loved. She wanted to find a guy that was head over heels about her. She said something about finding that and losing it. Then she got pregnant with me and married my dad.

 

Thanks for the advice. Yeah I'm going to try my best to study and I got some good news today. I got an interview for a summer job. At least if I had that I could save up and rent place on my own.

[novaseeker]

The trouble with alcoholics is that only the alcoholic can decide when they are ready to stop. It's nigh on impossible to get them to stop if they do not want to stop themselves, if they haven't reached a point in life where they themselves realise that the drinking is the real problem in their lives. Sadly, for many that involves some kind of trauma (jail, homelessness, near death experience etc).

 

At this point I think you have to protect yourself and rely on your father. You want to avoid becoming a codependent relating to your mother's alcoholism, because that can impact other relationships in your life as well.

[KweenofDenyl]

I really don't think you could say that to someone you love at a time when they need you the most though.

 

Say what?

 

My mother has an abusive past. She told me the night before last that all she ever wanted growing up was to be loved. She wanted to find a guy that was head over heels about her. She said something about finding that and losing it. Then she got pregnant with me and married my dad.

 

Everyone wants to be loved. It's a basic human need. When that need isn't met it causes severe problems-just like it did with your mom. YOU want and need to be loved. The irony is that she is ultimately doing to you what was done to her.

Please read this and see if it strikes a chord with you:

link removed

 

And congrats on the interview!

[itsallgrand]

I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I am now 27 and have lived on my own since I was 18. I still deal with the after effects in little ways, because it took me a very long time to get help. I was on my own.

 

AlAnon is an excellent resource. I highly, highly recommend reading some of the materials they have. You could attend meetings which they have regularly; and people there offer a tonne of support. They know what its like. You can even just speak with someone on the phone.

 

Growing up in that situation we internalize behaviors that even we are not aware of. It seems normal to us - it's all we've known. As we get older and go out on our own, we start to notice things about ourselves that other people do not do. Issues start cropping up and we can't think for the life of us where it is coming from. Because the issue and alcoholism seem so unrelated.

 

And, a lot of us think, once we're out on our own, it is all over and done with.

The truth is we carry it with us until it is dealt with.

 

I wanted to say that something that jumped out to me right away is the concern and leniency you give your mom.

When I was at home, I was like my mother's mother. She was the kid who partied and needed to watched over and put to bed. I was the adult who put my own needs aside for hers.

 

You have been robbed of some nurturance, love, affection, attention, and validation that only she could give you.

 

So I do agree that you need Love. And to be heard. And to be #1 for once.

 

Please take care. Reach out to the adults - extensive family, adult friends, teachers, AlAlon support, anyone who you trust and who is willing to help you. If you build a strong support system around yourself now; you will a much better chance of doing all that you want to do. It would help a lot when the time comes to leave home and be on your own. Everyone needs some help.

[cavanaugh9]

I feel your pain. I have had to deal with an alcoholic mom growing up and it's such a bad situation. My mother has also drank heavily for 20+ years and the only thing that made her quite was that she was going to die...She had an enlarged liver, bleeding internally and hepititas. The doctors told her if she doesnt quite her next drink will be her last and the sad part is, is that all the times i begged and pleaded and cried never stopped her and honestly im surprised she did. All u can do is get help for yourself and as hard as it is u might have to leave ur mom behind. I did it more then once. Concentrate on you and your life and realize there is nothing u can do for her, and deep down inside u might already know this but b/c we have had to lie and be parents all these years and u want to protect your mother but in the end its all up to her. I wish all the best to you and your parents. I hope one day she realizes what she has done before it is too late.

 

All my blessings!