I'm done

[cubsfan]

Well, I'm in an abusive relationship as well. Last November he was drunk and shoved me against a few walls then threw me to the ground and put his arm over my throat, not presssing down but screaming in my face. He told me that "You know my temper , you shouldn't have gotten in my face'" I told myself if it happened again that I was gone. Well, it did. We had a huge argument and he called me a lowly piece of s--t and I selfish b---h, and told me to get the f--- out of his house (we live together). I tried to close the door in the bathroom to get a bath and get away from him and he shoved it open while I was trying to keep in closed and I ended up shoving him by accident. He shoved me back then he walked away. I am now really scared. I'm getting out asap.He did have a hisory of battery of 6 or 7 arrests when he was younger, but I thought he was over that. None of it was domestic, just bar fights but he really hurt 2 of them badly. He told me I'm too sensitive and that I need to see my thearpist more. I'm a nurse and I drug OD came in and I told him about it and he said "Well, if she's that stupid she deserves to die. She didn't thank god but that really opened my eyes to what a cold hearted bas----- he really is. Why do I still love this monster???

[robowarrior]

I can't explain your love between you and a demonical entity. However i can advice you to get the hell out of there!!! Run away , run away , and get yourself a 'NICE GUY' next time, it's an expensive lesson that you should have chosen a nice guy instead. LEAVE NOW!

[RandomAdvisor]

He told me I'm too sensitive and that I need to see my thearpist more.

 

Talk about projection!! If there is anyone who needs to see a therapist, it is him.

 

You're right, you need to get out ASAP. Don't say you'll leave if it happens again, because you know that it will. Is there anywhere you can go to get away him? A family member or friend nearby that will take you in? Reach out to someone like that if you can. If not, start searching for your own place and move out when he isn't home.

 

Why do you still love him? Because emotions aren't rational. You shouldn't but you do, and that's ok. What your feeling is normal for women in your situation. Just don't let that love get in the way of what you have to do - leave him. Love yourself more than you love him. Once you get away from him, in time those feelings will pass. But that's something to worry about later. The most important thing is getting away now.

[Bethany]

Living in fear isn't love however much you dress it up with ribbons and bows.

When he goes out, pack your stuff and run for your life. Go home to your family or close friends but don't tell him where you have gone in case he comes looking for you.

You don't even have to stick around and explain, this man doesn't deserve and explanation, just leave a note to say your gone and that you're not coming back. He will already know what he has done and why you have left. Don't put your life at risk a minute longer.

[AwdreeHpburn]

cubsfan - I agree it is not love although there may be strong emotions there.

 

I really believe things will get worse before they get better, if you live long enough to see them through all the way to better...

 

I really want to urge you to distance yourself from this person as soon as possible.

[KweenofDenyl]

get yourself a 'NICE GUY' next time, it's an expensive lesson that you should have chosen a nice guy instead.

 

Robowarrior, I sincerely hope you didn't mean that the way it sounded...

[KweenofDenyl]

Why do I still love this monster???

 

I'm guessing you love him because there were times in the relationship that WERE good. He wasn't always a "monster", right? At least he covered it up well.

It took me a really long time to see that with my own past relationship. It's okay to recognize that a part of the relationship brought you joy and mourn for the loss. I'm proud of you for ending it though because I know how hard it can be.

[cubsfan]

When I got off work there were several text messages on my phone: when do you get off work, where are you on the road, do you want me to leave the light on for you? I figured he's be trucking by then to be away from me. He was decent at home. I told him I love him and his reply was "How can you say that" I asked him what he meant and he said "I don't have time for this is morning" I asked him for a hug and he gave me a one armed hug. Last night, I was feeling vulnerable, I asked him if I could hold him and he said "I don't care" so I did and I slept better. Not sure what he meant by it but today I'm going to the bank to see what I can afford to by a house. I still love him very much, but now I can say with complete certainty that I need to get out. I asked him if he still loves me and he said he doesn't know and I asked if someday wwhen we get our issues straight we could try again and he said "I don't know. Maybe" Do I hope he gets help or do I get up forever on him??? His own parents told me that I was very good for him and that I deserve better than the way he treated me and that he was lucky to have me, that he's always been a selfish person and that he's never going to acknowlegde that he has issues that he needs to work on. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!

[KweenofDenyl]

I cannot stress enough that you need to get out of this relationship! Men who abuse, whether physically, emotionally, or verbally, do it out of a need to control. IT IS NOT BECAUSE THEY HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS. This is the biggest misconception out there and they use it to their advantage.

 

Even if he were to work on his "issues", (don't hold your breath on that one) you and he have established a pattern of behavior that is very very unhealthy. If he has put his arm over your throat and threatened you you need to get OUT.

[Hope75]

Hi cubsfan.

 

I am in nursing school myself. I was also in an abusive relationship with my ex whom I lived with for 5 years. Honey, your bf's history of assault combined with his violent attack on you in December really scares me.

 

As a health care worker, you are trained to recognize signs of domestic violence and to offer support and direction with that. What would you tell your patient if she came in and told you that her boyfriend abused her like that and had a history of assault?

[cubsfan]

I also bartend part time. He got upset last night after I told him I was going for a drink and dinner and to get my check. When I said I was going in to the bar he said "Oh" and got really quiet. I have did this in the past if I wasn't working that day but I rarely have weds off. There is a guy there who pulled me out of a ditch last winter during a snow storm and we've been talking ever since. He's cute but he's taken, he smokes, and drinks like a fish. Not someone I want to get involved with but fun to talk to. Before we split My bf and I went up there one night and dave was there. I talked to him for 15 minutes and my bf was p-----d off. I later introduced them. my bf now thinks that I want dave and this is not the case. Why is he acting like this. He said "put yourself in my shoes. how would you feel" He also asked if I would consider having girls for friends, instead of guys. I've always had more guy friends in the past and he knew this. He said "I guess you've forgotten about me already" That surely is not the case. I still want to be with him but a few things have to change. Is this emotional blackmail or what? He told me a few times since we split he "Still cares deeply for me but has lost all romantic feelings, but would still mess around every once in a while if i want to" He said last night "Just don't bring him to the house" (We live together, I'm lookin for a house as we speak). I don't want dave. I still love my bf very much, why, I don't know. What do I do?

[Hope75]

If I were you I would not be messing with a new guy your ex. Remember, even though you love him, this is a man who has beaten you and treated you very poorly- doing anything remotely "relationshippy" with him is not a good idea.

 

As for the other guy "he smokes and drinks like a fish". Doesn't sound like someone to get involved with even if you were in a good place to consider another relationship.

 

My advice? Get out of your exes' house ASAP and spend some time on your own, healing, figuring out how to be strong and NOT allow someone to abuse you like the ex did. When you are comfortable in your own skin as a single gal, then consider dating again. Till then? Spend some time with YOU, healing.

[cubsfan]

My bf has never beaten me but shoved me twice and called me a few bad names. Now he's saying that he loves me again(4 days ago he said the love he had for me was gone??) and really wants to work things out. When I bring up the changes I need to make he never replies with what he needs to change and changes the subject. I'm still looking for houses and am definitely still moving out. Things have been really decent the last 6 days. I noticed he starts driving around 11am and goes until he goes to bed on Fri and Sat nights. Does he have a problem? This started about 2 months ago. He's not drunk when he gets home but is buzzing and he does drive home, no insurance on the truck, nonetheless. I still care about him alot but the love I thought was still very much there fades a bit with each day that passes. Why is that and is it normal?? I have a big vet bill coming due soon and he told me to hold off moving out until the vet bill is paid. WHY??? I'm totally baffled with his sudden change of heart. Well, any advice is appreciated!!!!

[Beyondthesea]

This is the abusive cycle. Stop fooling yourself into believing he is going to change!

 

I can guarantee that within two weeks he will be right back to his 'normal.' He has shoved you twice: THAT IS PHYSICAL ABUSE, and it will escalate.

 

His change of heart is because it takes a lot of time and effort to groom a victim the way he has to you. You don't realize it, but you have been very badly manipulated.

 

Think about where you are. Think about if this is the life you want. If I were you, I would read Hope75's posts about abuse. She has a lot of knowledge about the subject and has been there...so have I.

 

Get your plans in place and move. And once you are out, don't look back or you will be very sorry.

 

PM me.

[Hope75]

Any time he laid his hands on you, pushing, shoving, whatever, that is abuse.

 

He's just trying to reel you into staying- but notice his actions don't change. He never mentions having done anything wrong or accepts responsibility for his actions.... shows no remorse....

 

I hope you will keep looking for a place, is there anyone you can stay with in the meantime? A friend, family member?

 

The longer you stay there the harder it is going to be for you to leave.

[cubsfan]

Yes, I'm still looking for a place and am going to get out as soon as I can. Before, I wavered in the past about moving out, I'm totally sure now I'm going to do it and I want to do it. I noticed my feelings toward him have cooled quite a bit the last 3 days. Is that normal? It's funny because today he mentioned how wrong he was to call me names and that that never should have happened, that I didn't deserve that. He said "that's just wrong!!!" I about dropped my teeth!!! Does he realize now that he is starting to lose me??? I now can't say "I love you" and really mean it. Am I finally starting to pull away??? Is having about 18 beers from 11am to 11pm alot? I noticed the last 3 weeks that's what he is drinking on the weekends he doesn't have his daughter. He probably has a 6 pack when he does have her. Why is he drinking more now???

[Hope75]

He's just using the tactics that he suspects will work to keep you around. He's probably drinking more to cope with the fact that his actions ruined his relationship and also as a way to not have to face the reality of the type of person he is.