Is It a Game or Am I Stupid?

[zpivat]

Reading monsieur's thread at really got me thinking. I've also always wondered why very often people show great interest at us, and later on they back off.

 

I'd like to know your honest opinions, and let me know if this is really my fault or not. You can be brutally honest and I promise I won't get hurt.

 

This girl and I have been extremely close friends for about 3 years, and as of last year we got real close, and we also shared some kisses and many wonderful hugs actually. Our 2005 summer was extremely beautiful. However, she and I both realised that she just got out of a really bad 6 year relationship, and so it's better to keep things slow as of now and not kiss until she is fully ready. I don't mind that at all, and I feel so happy that I have the ability to accommodate her needs and not act pushy/needy.

 

She would call me quite regularly, and whenever we speak, we always speak about fun things, discuss about our lives, etc etc. I never do any relationship talks of course. I don't think I am clingy either. Gee, I only call her ONCE a week, about 20 minutes each time. On top of that, I never say "I miss you", or "I need you"....none of those "mushy" words.

 

We often talk on MSN, but that's mostly about our daily activities, or we help each other with homework, etc. She just got a new mobile and she's happy for that because now it's easier for her in case she needs to make a call, and according to her "now I can call you more often."

 

Whenever I come online to MSN, usually she'd come online too like 5 seconds to 30 seconds later, meaning that obviously she just stays in offline mode and wait till I come online.

 

But guess what....a while ago, I was just curious about us. I was wondering where "us" was, so I (relaxly) asked her if she thought we'd end up being an official couple someday. She said she hadn't thought about that as of now as she's extremely busy with her life (going to school + working full time) and she'll just go with the flow, while maintaining our beautiful friendship.

 

Well obviously that's not what I wanted to hear, because right now I'm ready to be hers. However I didn't feel devastated at all, and was completely fine with that. After which, I never brought the subject again, never chased her, never bugged her about it, because I really AM fine with that. I'm very patient and will be willing to wait until she is completely ready.

 

Strangely enough....I've been noticing that since I asked that question, she's been rather distant towards me. She would not go online for days, a bit silent towards me, etc etc. I miss her with all my heart, but I don't want to tell her anything about this. I keep the sadness in my heart, and right now I'm just giving her some space to try and see if she'd get back to me......while wondering if I offended/upset her by asking that question.

 

I mean, is it my fault to feel that she AT LEAST has SOME interest in me, after all those "hints" that she showed me? Or may be I am just so stupid for thinking that she's remotely interested in me?

 

For God's sake, I only asked that question out of curiosity....I don't think I've pushed her in any ways, in any forms, so I am completely wondering what I did wrong.....

 

So if you see something wrong with me, then by all means let me know, and feel free to criticise me. I'd welcome any suggestions, as I'm trying my best to make our friendship work!

[Blue Skittles]

I don't think its anything you are doing. I think this girl is confused. The same sort of thing has happened to me in the past - once you ask that question - it kind of gets awkward, why? I don't know. Its so annoying. It seems like dating is getting mroe and more difficult. Anyways, I think it sounds like this girl does value you as a friend and I think since you ask her that she feels awkward about it, and maybe scared that you are falling for her. Just give her some time. Things should start going back into place, but if they don't, then talk to her about it..

[zpivat]

Well actually we talked about it in the past....but she was fine with it....and got even closer with me actually.

 

But you are right....I guess she is confused...

 

I'm giving her all the time she needs now; I don't mind. I'm not trying to rush at all, but at the same time it seems that I can't stop blaming myself for what happened....*sigh*

[Blue Skittles]

Please - don't blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong. You've been really good to her and at the same time you haven't been clingy. Its kinda funny with attraction - sometimes you are just head over heels for someone, and sometimes, no matter how sweet and caring and loving they are, there just isn't that spark. It sucks. But you know what? Just being there for her over time, you never know what can happen. I've seen two of my really good friends end up falling for guys that were their best friends for years. One of these couples is engaged. A good solid friendship is a wonderful thing. Keep your spirits up - have fun.

[kimi_baby]

yeah i agree with blue skittles, i think the girl is confused. And i dont think you necessarily have done anything wrong, but just dont be so afraid to address things and be honest. If you miss her, you shouldnt not say it just cuz you're scared of being too clingy. It's honesty like that that keeps it all alive. But i know where you're coming from... she asked for space, so you gave her pressureless space.

 

I just think maybe you have been too nice throughout this. You should confront her properly. And if she doesnt want to talk about it then at least you'll have brought it up. And if she is still interested in you, hopefully what you'll have said will sink in and she'll start thinking about it properly, and realise that she should be more clear about how she feels. If not and she goes all weird again... then it's tough, but at least you'll know that either she's not interested in you romantically... or maybe that she plays too many games to know when to stop...

 

I hope that helped... Good Luck.

[zpivat]

Thank you so much for the comforting words Blue_Skittles and Kimi_Baby. It's true, many good relationships are rooted from very good a friendship. And that's how we two have been together....when she was going through hard times with her past lovers, it was I who was always there for her to cheer her up....

We support each other very much, pray for each other, and it's just....perfect.....she even calls my mum "my mami" (my mum....she's a Latina), and my heart more than welcomes her to be more than a friend....

 

If she's not interested in me romantically, then it's no problem, but I hope we'll be together in our next life....may be after reincarnation or something, but for right now I just want her to be fine and for us to be back to our happy and cute friendship, that's all....

 

You are truly dead on Kimi_Baby.....(they say women have good intuition, it's true afterall, lol), may be I should say to her if I miss her....and it's true, I don't say it because I don't want to sound clingy at all. But yeah, may be I need to be "less nice" by start confronting her about this.

 

I just want us to have a healthy connection, that's all. I care about myself, but at the same time her well being is very important to me.

 

And I'm pretty sure that if there's an issue, you guys say it out loud to your partner and not go all quiet and mysterious right? I think it's a very nice way to maintain a healthy relation. Well she's not a player though...far from it actually. It's just that she could be reserved at times, and may be shy too.......and she's also very cautious, and may be she's worried of offending me....

Oh well....hmmm

[monsieur]

I don't know why it is but women seem to take offence when they find out a guy friend 'likes' them, whereas guys would find it to be a compliment and a good thing. I've seen it many times, the guy wants a deeper connection (I'm not talking sex, just a deeper loving connection) and instead the woman backs away and gives the guy even less of a connection that they shared before.

 

Drives me crazy.

 

The more I start to care for a girl friend of mine, the more it becomes natural that I would want to nurture and hold and cuddle her, it just follows naturally.

[Bethany]

Do you think she may have said what she thought you wanted to hear, then got all emotional and stayed offline to recover? I think she really likes you.

 

Monsieur, we don't take offense. We intuitively know that this man is not the one for us, so we back off. It's not something we choose to do but rather our reflexes and gut instinct takes over.

[Belgian girl]

Yes, also think she's confused

Maybe keep on letting her feel you are there for her and not push (a lot)

but if you don't see a chance after longer time I think I should ask about it

Maybe also not look to serious about everything (for a while) and just could laugh with het about something for example