PatR Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Well, I can't believe I'm in this situation, it all seems so surreal, I can't believe I'm even posting it, but what the hell... So anyway, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, it's been a LD relationship for several months now. I love her, she's such a great person, and we always do everything we can for each other, we have fun, and do everything together, but the problem is that I'm not attracted to her, and sadly that's something that's always been missing from the relationship, although I haven't let it get in the way, nor have I told her as I wouldn't want to crush her like that. We've never had any arguments or disagreements, and it's been a good five years. Meanwhile, I've met this other girl. She's really cute, and I started hanging out with her as friends, but then I developed a crush on her, and suddenly I felt this tension between us. I got that tension out in the open, and it seems that she's basically always had a crush on me, and has been Jealous of my GF since she's known me. Now, we've been hanging out for about a month, and seem to get along great; she's got everything that I'd look for in a gf, including the physical attraction that's missing from my current relationship. We each know how we feel about each other, and she knows that I still love my gf, and has been good about not pushing me to do anything that would jepordize that relationship. In fact, we've had zero physical contact - not even accidental, because neither one of us thinks it would be fair to anyone in this triangle. I guess what I'm asking is if I dump a gf I've loved, and still love, for years, in pursuit of something new, and possibly better, or do I just accept that I already have a good thing, and continue to ignore my lack of physical attraction? Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Pat, I feel for you. It's a tough one. But my advice is that you follow your heart. Let's do the coin toss, ok? I'll flip a coin and: If it lands on heads, it means you STAY with the girl you're with But if it lands on tails, it means you should begin the new relationship Ready? I'm gonna flip it right..........NOW! OK - its flipped. What are you, in your heart of hearts hoping it landed on?? there's your answer.... Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Welcome to ENA PatR! Ignore the physical attraction? You say straight-up you aren't attracted to her. You shouldn't be with her then! Five years is a long time and I can see where the attachment and love is pushing you to stay in this, but staying with her because you don't want to "crush" her is no way to go. Give her the respect she deserves and be honest with her. Tell her you just don't feel it. Cut her loose so she can find a guy who will feel it... Now this new girl. As long as you two know the situation and are OK with you just breaking up with your g/f of 5 years, I say go for it. Just know that your feelings for your current g/f won't turn off like a switch and you will experience at least some grief over the break-up... Link to comment
xblondyx Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Wow, good technique Ta_ree_saw!!! Perfect way to find out what someone really wants! Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 thanks xblondyx - Dr Niles Crane did that to his brother on Frasier. I'm so lame and un-original...... Link to comment
xblondyx Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 I'm so lame and un-original...... Hey, at least you shared it and it most probably works Link to comment
PatR Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 Wow, thanks for the quick responses, everyone. Yes, I know I will feel grief, I already am just from considering a breakup, and I've told the non-gf girl to expect me to be a emotional wreck once I've done that, and she's said a few times that she can't imagine the pain, and will give me as much time & space as I need to get back to normal after the breakup. Ta_ree_saw, now that you mention it, I can see some parallels between this and the whole thing when Niles was married to Marris but had a crush on Dahpne; I know that's just fiction, but now that you've mentioned it, it does seem at least a little familiar... Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 but the question Pat, is who did you hope the coin landed on?? Where is YOUR heart?? Link to comment
PatR Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 but the question Pat, is who did you hope the coin landed on?? Where is YOUR heart?? I suppose it'd have to be the new girl, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way. I think friscodj was right in saying that it's not right of me to continue this with the current gf becuase I don't want to hurt her. It might be kind of cynical at this point, but I guess hurt is just a part of life, and if I don't do it now, I'm only going to hurt her far worse in the future... I guess another major problem that I should've mentioned is that my current gf is my first gf (and I her first real bf), we met while we were still in high school, so this will be my first breakup, and thereforeeee probably the most difficult. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 sure, the most difficult, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it. But, and not that this is any REAL consolation, but we've ALL been there. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 ...and if I don't do it now, I'm only going to hurt her far worse in the future... Exactly... And this is your first serious relationship? Welcome to the world of real life and love my friend...and you've got friends here 24/7 bro... Another good technique in addition to the coin flip technique above is to pretend this was your best friend or family member in your situation. What would you tell them????? Perhaps write it down, and then read it back to yourself... Really the easy part is knowing what to do. The hard part is actually doing it. You're going to look your g/f of 5 years in the eye and tell her it's over. She is your first and you two have made memories together that you'll never forget. That's monumental. And there's probably going to be fallout from that, doubts, tears, phone calls...be prepared and come talk to us when that time comes... Link to comment
PocoDiablo Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 My take on it is that for any serious relationship to survive you must have both FRIEND chemistry and SEXUAL chemistry. You can love a family member, a friend, a pet, a car with that "friend" chemistry. But for a real fulfilling relationship, you can't be dating someone who you love like your sister. You sound like you are going down the path of my ex-wife. Yeah, we loved each other, but laying in bed next to her was about as exciting as being next to my sister. Nothing happened. No chemistry. No sex. Hence why she is my ex. We are both better and happier people for it. She found someone she loves, and I found a nymphomaniac. Link to comment
Scout Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 I'm sorry, but it concerns me here that you waited until you met someone you felt more chemistry with before you decided to make the official decision to break up with your current girlfriend. It's like you have been staying with your current girlfriend as a security blanket until something "better" came along. If that's the case, that's pretty unfair for your girlfriend. She's going to be devastated when she finds all this out, too, and don't think she won't. You might as well tell her the truth about why you're leaving her so she can get all the pain over with at once, instead of finding out bit by bit that someone else entered the picture. Link to comment
PocoDiablo Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 IShe's going to be devastated when she finds all this out, too, and don't think she won't. You might as well tell her the truth about why you're leaving her so she can get all the pain over with at once, instead of finding out bit by bit that someone else entered the picture. Not neccessarily. She might be feeling the exact same way ... I've seen that plenty of times. Link to comment
tyler711 Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 "She might feel this way" ... "This is what will probably happen" "pretend this was your best friend" ... "I suppose it'd have to be the new girl" ... "Flip a coin" Wayyyyy too many possibilities from all the advice I read. I can safely say that your best bet is to: 1) Figure out where your heart lies! You say you "suppose" it's the new girl. 2) Make sure the physical attraction is really that. Atleast make the effort to rekindle your current relationship, or figure out what the problem is. You love her but are willing to leave her for a new flame? 3) This is the most important step. Whatever you decide, do it in a way that will hurt your girlfriend the least. Atleast leave her with that. Five years is a long time, and if you make the choice that I think you will, it will break her heart. Link to comment
crvers Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Welp, I'm no expert like the rest of everyone here but what I can tell you is that I experienced the same thing. Long term relationships, expecially when they become long distance, lose certain "sparks" that were there in the start of the relationship. Sometimes having someone else come along brings those sparks back to you. read my post: . Only thing I can stress to u is make sure ur decision is based on the correct reasons: 1) Have u been feeling this way for a long time; how long? 2) You ARE still in love with your current girlfriend, have u tried everything to bring back the sparks that originated at the beginning of the relationship? 3) If this girl had never come along, would u still be considering breaking up with her. Remember the old saying "Grass is always greener"...because it ain't and u'd quickly find that out. If you want to break up with ur girlfriend then do it. But don't do it to start another relationship, do it for her and u. The other girl shouldn't be a factor in this decision. And if u r considering ur current g/f's feelings, do it sooner than later if this is the case since the moment she hears u've been hanging out with a girl at the end of the relationship (regardless of u cheating or not) she is still gonna hate u. I can actually guarantee u that 1. Not trying to be harsh, but it happened to me. So expect to stop being friends for a long long time Link to comment
southerngirl Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 So this is the first love? The 'high school sweetheart'? But... she leaves for what... a few months and already your into another girl? One that tells you shes allways had a crush on you? What kind of girl is that that would interfere in a five year relationship. wow these are questions in my mind. I'll tell you something if you do this and pursue this other girl your love is going to hate you for it for a very long time and you are going to break her heart. If you werent attracted to her in the first place you should not have even started this dance. thats how I see it. There was a wise saying I heard once.... Make sure you are attracted to your spouse when you marry because your going to be seeing that face the rest of your life! Now, that said. *ahem* Right now you are going through all kinds of changes and each of your relationships will be teaching you something. It is very rare that a highschool sweetheart romance can last through all time because you both are growing and changing. The person you are right now will be different than the person you are in a few years.. Still different than the person you will be in another 10 years. If you feel you are growing away from her, and that you really feel you need to be free then you should end it. Be true to yourself and true to her. Respect her for the love she has been and the FRIEND she has been to you and do not involve yourself with this other girl. Besides, I really feel you should take time to get to know yourself once you do make the split. Find yourself and be alone for a good while.. If not even a whole year before moving into a rebound situation. My highschool sweetheart did that to me after a year and nine month relationship within 2 weeks I found out he had another girlfriend and I was so pissed. It took me a long time to get over that one. Tread lightly on her heart my friend.. Dont forget you have alot of friends here to talk this over with Link to comment
Momene Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Go for the new girl. If you stay with the old one, you'll just wish what might have been with the new one. Beware of one thing, though. Serial monogamers find someone who gives them the spark that's missing in their current relationship. A few years later, the spark dies and the process repeats itself. Link to comment
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