Well, I guess its over...

[Lansing]

I don't think you should send her flowers... I think it would back fire on you.

 

It sounds to me that you did "little" things already (based on her reply to you) that did touch her, but, it made her realize that you did really like her. I think your actions came accross as that you liked her and maybe she has never had a guy do those kind of things for her before.

 

She might be afraid, but, by doing more "stuff" for her, I don't think it will help. I suggest trying to go out as friends in a few weeks and see how it goes. If you feel like you can't handle "just friends" well, you can figure it out then.

[WildChild]

First, please, please, please, please do not send her the flowers, and this is coming from a girl who LOVES receiving flowers. Your email Dogg said it all, you told her your thoughts. If you send her flowers, that is going to come along as pushing. If this is really, really your desire (and I vote tread cautiously) you need to back way the hell off this early into the "reconciliation".

 

Second, men love a chase. You know that Dogg. She is not within your reach right now, and that is what has got you intrigued even more

 

And thirdly, this line from one of Cheryl Crows songs always rings in my head: It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you have. You wanted her in your life, she will give you her friendship Dogg.

[phillygal]

Dogg, sorry to hear about your dating situation, but i agree with kellbell. If i'm really into a guy then i would want it to escalate into something more. I've been in a situation where i thought the guy was cute and attractive and i dated the guy for awhile to see where things would go. I soon found out that he just wasn't my type. It's not anything he did, i just wasn't into his personality. I'm 26 and at my age, you look for more than just looks in a person.

So, she probably was attracted to you and wanted to see if it could be more than that, but something wasn't there. She tried to make it work for awhile, but she finally concluded it would not happen. Rather than lead you on further or worse get in a relationship with you and cheat on you, she did the right thing and told you the truth.

It's not what you want to hear, but at least she was honest with you and trust me it was hard for her to do that. As for the friends thing, don't do it. You'll just want her more, and if she starts dating someone else, you'll be hurt and jealous.

I think you just have to understand that most of us have been in your position at some point, we've dated someone and thought everything was going great but for some reason the other person did not. There's nothing you can do about it, you certainly have no power over people's emotions or feelings. That's what dating is about, seeing if you'll have that spark or connection with someone. Believe me, in a few months you'll meet someone else and hopefully things will work out better for you

[kellbell]

Dogg,

 

Absoutely no way. DO NOT send her flowers, not after that email she sent you. Let her come to you, you said all you had to say in your last email. Just try to relax, take a deep breath and let her come to you. I know this stinks and you really like her but please, do not repeat your old patterns.

 

If you do things the same way everytime, you are going to get the same results.

[Dogg]

ok, so flowers is a big no no!!! I understand why you all feel that way too. I do want her in my lfe I truly think that she is a very special person and maybe backing off will make her see that I am as well and will make her realize how much she did enjoy my company and talking to me, I mean come on, she called me more than once a day EVERY day since the day that we met alng with the cute little texts. If she is truly scared of getting into something right now for whatever reason, I must respect that but yet continue to show her that I do enjoy her and maybe, just maybe, something will bloom from there...the seed has already been planted, now I will just take the time to watet it and hope that it will grow. I'm sorry for the terrible metaphor!

[iceberg21]

Continuing with your analogy there, careful how MUCH you water. Hanging on to the ideal that this girl MAY come back might be damaging to you. Based on her email it seems like she just realised that you may not be what she is after, and that is okay, it happens. There's no reason to shut her completely out of your life if you feel that way about her, just don't hold her on a pedestal because of the way you feel. Just be careful to not set yourself up for a big letdown. I do wish you the best of luck tho.

[Dogg]

here is someinteresting information that I have neglected to inform you all of and maybe this will provide somefurther insight into this situation. I was gain just speaking to my dear friend ( a female) and she asked me what this girls home life was like. I replid by stating that her parents had just recently separated (within the last 4 months or so her father moved out on her mother, sister and her). I also infromed my friend that this girl was always talking about not knowing what she wanted when it came to school and what she wants to do in life and that it see,ed to really bother her. she had actually just switched majors in college and stated even on that aweful friday night that this all went down that "I'm not even done with school yet and I just don't know what I want right now." could these all be things that are waying on her mind and making it hard for her to step into or have faith in something new no matter how great and fun it seemed. Also there was a time where she mentioned to me that she has always had a difficult time trusting people for one reason or another (I did not raelly ask why because I did not want to possibly bring up something bad from her past and ruin a good evening). My friend said that these things on top of what she wrote and all that has been going on with her and I thus far may have just made this girl very weary all of a suddent that she was experiencing things that she was 1. not used to, and 2. kinda scared of. Does any of this thinking make sense? I have decided to more or less take the advice that you all have provided and step back a lot and let her com eto me if she so chooses to do so. If she truly sees the worth in this, and really wants something from it even if it is a simple friendship then she will come. RIGHT??????

[WildChild]

Well, I have been in your same shoes Dogg. Met a guy, was attracted to him, and we became friends in the course of things. We did a lot together: dinners, movies, stayed at his house, partied, long phone calls etc.. Never has sex with him, kissed here and there. He told me I was attractedive to him but not his type and didn't want to lose my friendship if we pursued a relationship and it failed. Through the course of this I had to swallow my feelings for him many times Dogg. I knew he just wanted to be friends, but I too felt that if he sees how special he says I am than maybe one day it will happen. He dated women, and because I truly wanted his happiness I would help and direct if I felt the woman was good enough.

[Markers]

I don't think there's much you can do, you told her how you feel. She doesn't feel the same. She must change first, how do you make that happen? I don't think there's much chances: friend thing doesn't have very high probability of success, and it will hurt you a lot. You're becoming obsessed of her. If you go to no contact, she will just forget you. Then again, if you do it, you will also forget her..

[wlfpack81]

Deleted by user

[phillygal]

Dogg, you are overanalyzing the situation. You are going to drive yourself crazy if you keep doing this. Sure, you can try to make excuses or find reasons for why she pulled back, but at the end of the day, You Do Not Know Why! And You Never Will unless she tells you.

I understand how hard it is, but you have to let it go. As cliche as it sounds, if it's ment to be, she will come back to you. Any further action from you will scare her off completely or make you look really desperate. Sad as it is, people want what they can't have and maybe if you do NC she will realise what she had. You've made your feelings known to her, so now all you can do is wait for her or move on. Good luck.

[Dogg]

I received some really sound advice from someone very important and close to me yesterday afternoon and it helped me to put a lot of things nto perspective, not saying that you all didn't help out too, its just easyier to speak to someone who kows me personally if that makes any sense...I have decided to share it with you all just for the sake of venting and continuing to think about the things that have happened and to continue seeking guidance and advice on the situation:

 

here it is:

 

I'm really glad to see that she responded, at least now she's showing she has some sense! (Okay, sorry, I can't help it if I'm a little biased...) Anyway, it sounds to me like she doesn't want to lose you either, but, the tricky part here is that if you continue to speak to her and hang out with her, you will have to remember that she's saying she doesn't want to continue in the same capacity, which means you will have to back off. My main concern is you- do you think you can talk to her and hang out with her without getting wrapped up? I know you told her you don't want to jump into anything either, but you're gonna have to play it cool. If she says she just wants friendship and you truly don't want to lose her, that's the only way it will work- if that's what she wants, so be it. If you were to continue to take her out on dates and cook for her and lavish her with little thoughtful gifts, etc- your actions would tell her "girlfriend" and she may feel pressure and that she owes you, even though that's not necessarily how you may intend it on a conscious level... but eventually (& honestly), would you feel cheated if you didn't get something out of it? More than likely, that's probably what happened before and she was probably feeling overwhelmed because you were so good to her, I've told you that. At the same time, you need to be true to yourself- would you be able to hang out with her in a bar and watch her talk/ flirt with other guys and not get jealous? I think that if you are able to talk and hang out on a "platonic" level at this point, she might miss all of those little nice things you did for her and there's always a chance she could possibly change her mind again. But keep in mind that it goes for you too, she would need to be able to handle you talking to other girls. She can't have it both ways, it's not fair to you, and most importantly you've got to make sure that you're fair to yourself. I hope this makes sense.

 

I'm still not sure how I feel, but I think that I have said all that I can say to her and I do not want to look needy. She said that she wanst to be friends, so I think that I will just simply see if that is really the truth and let her make contact with me. I just need to lay in the cut and wait it out and see if what she was saying holds true. Maybe she will come around and begin to miss me and the way that I treated her....who even knows anymore!

[WildChild]

I'm glad you turned to someone close to you to help gain a different perspective. Your friend I think has nailed exactly what we have been trying to tell you. I am assuming you have had no response to your last email you sent? Aren't you glad you didn't send the flowers Keep us posted.

[Lady Bugg]

Dogg, your friend gave you GOOD sound advice..and she knows you, so definetly LISTEN to her. I think you'll be ok....just stay cool.

[Dogg]

I'm glad you all feel that way. Now, should I wait to see if she makes contact on the friendship tip, or should I initiate something?

[kellbell]

Your friend is dead on. No, I feel you should not initiate anything, let her come to you.

[Lansing]

I agree that you should wait.... And , I am trying to take my own advice... I know how you are feeling, but, if she really valued your "friendship" as she says she does, she should initiate something after your last e-mail

[Lady Bugg]

I agree with Lansing and Kell. Get busy Dogg.....make plans, do something. get out and be active. It is imperative that you don't sit around thinking about this.

[Dogg]

well I have not gotten a response from her from my last email. Oh well I guess. anyway, I was talking to my mother and she suggested that I should maybe attempt to in a few days or so maybe suggest a nice daytime activity because "dates" are at night and "friends" hang out during the day. I know that is not the best rationale, but its my mother remember. anyway she said that maybe actually hangin out and really being "friends" and just doing light, fun activities to show herthat we can simply just have fun together might be a way to make her feel at ease and comfortable again. I don't really know how I feel about that, but I do think that could be fun and I do enjoy her company so much that it would just be nice and light. Any thoughts?

[Lansing]

Well... it seems like your are looking for someone to tell you to invite her out, but, it won't be me!

 

Your mom doesn't want to see you in pain, but, I don't think you should follow your advice.... You e-mailed her and she didn't respond to your last e-mail... It is OBVIOUS you just don't want friendship. I don't think you can handle just friendship and hanging out with her (i.e. you will think about kissing her, hugging her,etc,etc...) Even you calling her "babe" in your last e-mail to her. I would back off COMPLETELY from thinking about her for a few weeks.... If you still want to contact her in a month, then, maybe you can initiate an invite to her.......My personal advise.

[WildChild]

OK, call me way off on this one but I have a hunch that you are trying to figure out lite plans for you two so that you can contact her with your ideas so that she will see that you are "serious" about just being friends.

 

Do not call her, email her, flowers, nothing. Do not put your cart before your horse. I hate to say this Dogg cuz I was really rootin' for ya, but I hate to see you set yourself up for a fall. I know I pegged her wrong...but it is very apparent she is not interested in having a relationship with you. I'm beginning to wonder if even a friendship at this point and time.