Well, I guess its over...

[Dogg]

Hello all,

you may or may not have read my other posts about this girl that I had been dating that I really lked and enjoyed and was thinking about becoming exclusive with. Anyway, friday afternoon she called me up after she got off of work like she usually does and asked what I was doing that night. I came up with the idea that we keep it low key and I offered to take her out to a comedy club. I picked her up and we had a great time laughing and just hanging out. We laughed and talked all the way back to her house where we sat in the driveway and she more or less out of the blue told me that she doe snot think that it is a good idea for this to continue on as anything more than just being friends!!!!!! I was floored, I told her that all I wanted was to take things slow and just see how things were going and that If she thought that I was pressuring her that I wasn't in any way adn she agreed that I did nothing wrong, but that she just "did not want to lead me on in any way." Now let me remind you that this is the same girl that was pursuing me and calling me everyday and texting me all the time and wanting to hang out and talk. Now all of a sudden LITERALLY she says that she just doesn ot thin k that she feel sthe same way about me that I do about her!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!! where did this all come from? I was and am completely taken aback by this and do not know what to do about it. Keep in mind that this is the same girl who was in florida and called me numerous times per day to talk. This is the same girlt hatI took out to luch from work and she was awed by the fact that I had gotten her a rose and she LOVED it. This is the same girl that was so excited to go to a weddig with me and then agreed to take off a day of school when I had spring break to go to atlantic city for the night. This is the same girlt hat Just friday, was calling me and seeing if I wanted to hang out then having a wonderful time, (its not liek I am neive to the truth, we had a blast) WHYat happened here???????????? I need some major advice on this one about what to do!!!!!! HELP, I really liked this girl and saw a lot special in her and I thought that we had a GREAT connection!!!!! I have not spoken to her since....what shgould I do now?

[xxlilvampxx]

Ok.. Just chill a minute...

 

She said this out of the blue? Now that could mean shes worried about something or maybe she just thought about it (didnt mean that in a mean way)

 

I think you should just stay close mates. Hang out together and be yourself. Then maybe she might start liking you after to getting to know you even better than she already did! Act yourself, Make her laugh and cheer her up if shes down.

 

I may only be 15, But im a wise 15 year old

[monsieur]

I've seen that more than a few times with women. All of the sudden EVERYTHING changes. You build up more love or such feelings inside, whereas they are like a switch that can go 180 degrees at a moments notice, and the sad thing is when they do switch off of the relationship mode and go to friend mode, there seems to be no going back.... leaving us scratching our heads wondering why...... I don't know what it is, the wrong look in our eyes at the wrong time, saying one wrong thing, who knows.... it is such a mystery to me.

[heloladies21]

Let her be for a bit. Start talking to other girls ASAP. It will clear your head and you will start to have the right reactions when she gets in touch with you. You have to be talking to other girls for this to work though.

[WildChild]

What???!!!! I haven't even read but one line, but I am shocked! I will be back with thoughts after I read this

[Lansing]

A few months ago, if you posted this, I would have thought "why are you even wasting your time with her, she is messed up", but, a girl pulled something like this on me not too long ago but she didn't have the guts to do it in person. I let it sit for a while and tried calling her but she didn't return my call. I sent her an e-mail a few weeks after that and she didn't respond..... I think that in reality SHE felt insecure about things and didn't want to doubt anymore so she made it seem like she was the one that wasn't ready for a relationship. I am thinking this because was saying conflicting things. She seemed really confused.... but, oh well...

 

I guess I just wanted to post to say I know how you feel. It is pretty messed up how a girl can change her views on you. Were things getting physical between you and her? I was hesitant to move things along too quickly and I think that is what confused her. She was probably thinking "why isn't this guy trying more moves on me"... Although, they were physical, I think she wanted more...

[Dogg]

the more and more that I think about this, the more and more confused I am! I am racking my brain to try to see if in fact there was something that I said or did but I'm coming up with nothing at all!!!! I was so completely taken aback its even hard to describe. There was no fight, no argument, nothing. In fact, as she got out of the car that night (friday) and I started to pull away, she called me and came back only to give me a huge deep kiss. I pulled back one out of surprise and two out of dismay. I told her that I really had enjoyed our time together and then I left. I texted her the next morning only to ask whether or not I should cancel the wedding invite to her and tell the wedding party that she would not be coming. Her response was that she would go but only as friends and I said that i did not think that that would work. I again told her that I thought that she was very special and that I really didn't want her to feel that I was pressuring her at all in any way because in fact I hadn't at all, I never even really told her how much I liked her, I just let my actions speak and took things slow and let her be the one to pursue. I just don't get it at all. I really really liked her a lot!!!!! I feel that I had just begun to literally claw myself out of a hole that I hade been in for so long only to get kicked back in for no reason or fault of my own. One thing that i do remember her saying was that "I told you that I'm no good at dating!!!" what the heck does that mena and how could her feelings for me just instantly flip like this. Its pretty obvious to me that I should not contact her, but I do not know what to do or think. Is this truly the end?

[WildChild]

OK Dogg, this is what I feared. I think this is the scoop. I think you have been playing it so cool that she was beginning to wonder what your true intentions are. Girls are for the most part more sensitive than men when it comes to building a relationship. You may have not been doing anything totally off the wall, but if you are playing it cool just so you are in control of the situation, it does sometimes send off a vibe to women that "we are just buddy/buddy" or you may have said or done something that you thought was no big deal but was to her if she was still trying to figure out your angle. I'm thinking that's what happened Dogg. You were trying so hard to keep it cool (and not just taking it slow) and it backfired.

 

You know her best. I think you need to send her flowers especially if you gave her that rose and she loved it. Send her flowers, tell her ON THE CARD you messed up and you're sorry. Nothing too sappy, but enough for you to eat your crow.

 

God I hope you get this straightened out. Quit reading link removed. That's for women only to get into the minds of men who act out the advice they give....not for guys like you who know better

[WildChild]

PS: Now you're doing the pursuing...she pursued you for a long time Dogg

[Dogg]

the only thing that I can say in response to you wildchild is that as cool as I was playing it, I did do things to show her how I felt (making her dinner, getting her that rose, even that night she was saying how she wanted to get some flavored margarita sugar thing from the store and she had forgotten it and I showed up at her house to piuck her up for the comedy club and I had picked it up for her). I'm not sure if sending her flowers is a good or a bad idea, I do not want to push her away or make her think that i am some kind of sick psycho. Again, we were only hangin out/dating for a little under two months. I just do not see anything in my words or actions that could have made her change gher tune so very quickly. If anyone else has an opinion on this sitaution or as to what I should do if anything at all, please tell me!

[Lady Bugg]

Sorry to hear this turn of events Dogg Not much I can say except just try to respect her wishes.

 

The truth is..sometimes it isn't ANYTHING about you or a reflection on you. She just didn't feel that necessary "spark' that is needed in a romantic type relationship. Please don't take this to heart, I am sure you did everything right...but that doesn't mean she is RIGHT for you.

[WildChild]

Or now reading your next post, it's hard to say. I hate formality and pushy in the beginning of a relationship i.e. because it is difficult enough already. I like it nice and easy, BUT, I don't like to have to guess someone's intentions either. I guess think back harder, and maybe that will shed some more light for us.

[WildChild]

After two months, would you give up on someone if you were the one doing all the pursuing? You did nice things Dogg, but you also have mentioned time and time again in your posts that you were letting HER do the pursuing after you. I remember specifically because I remember mentioning that most men would "heel to @ss" if the woman was pursuing you as much as she was.

[WildChild]

I think there is more behind this though. This gal really acted like she was into him. Something changed....something was said, done, not said, not done.

[Dogg]

I am proof positive that I did nothing pushy or anything that could have been misconstrued as such!! In my opinion, I was and had been hadleing this "relatinship" the best way thta i knew how to do so and it seemed to be more than working, there was not a time that we talked or that we hung out that we didn't laugh and have a great time! She would call me and send me texts saying that she was thinking about me and hoped my dayu was going well. I thought that I was well on my way to something special with her and it really hurts to have that blow 8up in my face for no reason. I guess that it truly is over and that there is pretty much nothing that I can do accept wait and hope that maybe she will m iss talking and hangin out with me. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT I SHOULD DO HERE???????

[Dogg]

seriously, there was really nothing said or not said as far as I know, like I mentioned, I even picked her up with that little tin of margarita sugar that she wanted just as a token of good faith and to show her that I listen to what she says and I enjoy making her happy. We had a great night at the comedy club and then all of a sudden WHAM!!!!!!!!!!! blindsided by the "friends" thing out of the blue!

[monsieur]

I always beat myself up over the same kinds of things.... the sad thing is that you may never know for sure, it is almost a guarantee that she will not reveal the truth, I don't know why that is but it is almost like they are conditioned throughout life to not be truthful in these kinds of things. When a girl rejects, they seem to much rather make something up completely than to actually spell it out truthfully.

 

Leaves us wondering.... did the expression in my eyes betray me, or did I say the wrong thing once?, or did I not say the right thing? was my body language interpreted wrong when she was expecting something else? Seems like it can be one little tiny thing and that is all it takes.

[WildChild]

I've had guys do the same exact thing as you Dogg. Does it mean that I knew how they felt about me? NO. Don't get me wrong, your gestures were nice. However, women also like to hear things too. I honestly think she started getting mixed feelings about the situation.

[Lady Bugg]

Nope Dogg...respect her wishes and give her space. She said she didn't want to "lead you on". Best to wait and see what happens. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

[WildChild]

OK, OK, let's back up here. HOW did she say it when she said "see I told you I am no good in this relationship stuff"? Sad, nonchalant? Also, what is her history with men...relationships? lengths? good terms/bad terms?

[monsieur]

that could have been a red flag when she said that

 

also, your interpretation of having a great time at the club may not have been what was going on in her mind, she may have just been going with the flow and ready to dump you anyway

[Orlander]

What did she say exactly when you asked her why she had changed her mind about your relationship. Did you kindly ask her to explain herself? I think you deserve an explanation.

 

Did she say "Friends only" or "Friends only, just for now?" This is confusing. If you think you can be her friend and want another friend, then I say try to be her friend and see how it goes. If not, then try expressing your feelings to her. Write her some poetry, send her some flowers, arrange for a romantic evening where she will meet you there. Don't go to her at this point. Give her space, but keep you in her mind.

 

Sounds like she might be playing games and if she is, don't play them. Let her know you are truly interested, if you are, and let her make the move.

 

Orlander

[Ash]

Dogg, I went back and read some of the posts you made in the past. I have to say I agree with WildChild. You have to be an active part of most aspects of a relationship, exclusive or not. I too very nearly lost my current relationship because I hung back a bit thinking I didn't want to scare her off. Only thing that saved it for me was I wrote from the heart almost every day in emails (as did she). In other words, we communicated from the beginning. I just didn't do some of the other things for the first little while and we almost didn't happen. The attraction was there, she was just wondering why I wasn't more interested.

 

Veering away from talking about the two of you (as you said you did) to me sounds like a bit of an issue. It's a tough line to walk sometimes, but if you completely side step or ignore that issue it can easily be seen as an indication you don't thing there is a future. You always have to be honest, and when it comes to a discussion, you have to be prepared to put your thoughts out there for her to see. If you're not on the same page at the same time, it's unlikely to work out in the long run. If you are on the same page, you need to know that and the only way to know is to talk about it.

 

Also, I'd advice you completely lose the web address for link removed Any guy who talks about having "power" or "control" in a relationship has lost the game before he even started. A relationship is a team, neither should have power or control of the pairing. You need control over your life granted, but not exclusive control over the relationship for sure.

 

The best thing you can ever do for a lady is to give her control over her own life. Then you can hope she chooses you to be with, just as you are you are choosing her to be with.

 

Best thing I would suggest is to remain friends as she has requested for now, but be more proactive rather than reactive in some situations. The kiss is a bit of a giveaway that there is more there than just friends. If it is meant to be, you'll know. Also, keep in mind that for many women, attending a wedding is something you tend not to do with just a male "friend".

 

It's up to you. If you want, keep her close as a friend, and without being too overly forward, make sure you give her ample chances to be more than a friend. Don't push on her to do things, that might push her away. Rather, pull her lightly toward you (figuratively) and see how she responds.

[WildChild]

Dogg I wasn't implying that you were pushing things, what I was saying is that you were saying you were taking it slow, when I believe what you were really doing it playing it too cool under the pretense of "taking it slow."

[iceberg21]

I actually went thru kinda the same thing about 4 months ago. I was seeing this girl for about 3 months before things started to get really serious, because I'd just come out of a relationship and wanted to take it slow(took it so slow we were almost going backwards). Well about a month after it started to get serious, and about a week after a GREAT nite at a hotel for her work party, she decided we should be just friends. Like you (threadstarter) I was totally shocked, didn't see it coming, and just generally blown away. I actually haven't talked to her since, as I'm not one to be friends with an ex, but thats just me. So I never did find out exactly what went wrong or why she ended it, but I just let it go, decided that it would be better to just leave it at 'friends'. Anyway, moral of the story is that these things happen, and you'll likely have to get by as she probably won't even be able to explain why she did what she did. Sorry man, I know its a kick in the junk.