the whole grass is greener?

[Big Jim]

Ive read a lot of posts about a long term relationship ending abruptly, the dumper moving on right away, then a little down the road come back. I guess people call this "grass is greener" sort of deal. My friend's girlfriend of 3.5 years moved to europe for hte term, and has started seening some guy. Yet everyone knows she is not at all over her ex, but they both felt they needed time apart, but odds are they are going to end up together. What is peoples' thoughts on this, as i dont understand it. Do people need to reassure themselves there is nothing else out there and legitimately do this to find things out about themselves? Or is it just a low move of coming back to a safe spot when the other things fail?

[Scotcha]

I personally wouldn't put up with it. If my partner wanted to be with someone else I gaurntee that they wouldn't be ending up with me.

[Big Jim]

Yeah thats what i think too. I read a lot along the lines, we are only human, make mistakes in a lot of these posts, and was just curious

[RayKay]

Sometimes couples agree they need some time apart for whatever reason, sometimes they do come back together, most often they don't though. I don't understand the whole "seperating and dating others" thing though, because I think that is just saying "I am not sure you are good enough, so I am going to test drive others first"...and in my experience that is not something you do if you are genuinely wanting and committed to someone - I guess it just does not to me reflect well for the future. Relationships and love do require work, and working at times on nourishing the relationship and love....not just expecting it to be there without any effort. Love is action as much as feeling.

 

Those whom I know whom got back together after a break were because they took clean breaks, no promises, no even thought of getting back together...they just did down the road after they had gone their separate ways, and ran into one another again later on. They never had intent of "sampling the other yards".

[vesper]

here is my 'spin' on it....

 

I have been that girl who has left my ex for europe. Frankly I was so in love with him that I did not know what to do. I had seriously fallen in love. I was ready to commit however...could not sense how he felt.

 

*Attention* to me...hello I am leaving you to go to another continent...why don't you convince me to stay with you because you love me and can't live without me? ....

 

 

Well the guy usually does NOTHING. And the girl gets an adventure trip to europe out of it...has the time of her life, knows she can always come back..

 

Basically - if your girl all of sudden wants to move somewhere else , means she is seriously fallen for you and wants to take it to the next level but is not sensing where you are at (i.e. long term commitment, proposal, house in st.thomas...etc... )

[Royltnxile]

So...basically...you are saying that if a girl falls for a guy she should whip up some drama like suggesting she's thinking about moving away in order to get the guy to fall at her feet and profess his everlasting love her her? Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So are you saying that "pre-emptive" break ups are also a good thing? Break up with the guy in order to gauge his feelings? This sounds like a dangerous game.

 

I'm asking because when my ex abruptly, unexpectedly, and shockingly dumped me over the phone on Valentines Day I got the vibe that a couple weeks later she wanted me to chase her (after what she had done to me????..yeah, right). I have sometimes considerd that maybe she panicked like that and pushed me away while really hoping that I was going to fall at her feet and profess my love to her....I've thought about it. If that was her idea, then her plan radically backfired. I didn't chase, beg, plead, or grovel....yet still signalled to her that I was interested, but she could never come right out and say "I made a mistake, lets talk"..or show any feelings to me, which I thought was her place to do, being she was the one who did the damage. She still occasionally tries contacting me via "no message" calls or lame messages like "call me when you get this". It's been a year now and we still haven't seen each other face to face, despite the occasional furtive attempt at contact.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Just wanted to point out that I thought you were advocating playing a dangerous game, Rae.

[vesper]

So...basically...you are saying that if a girl falls for a guy she should whip up some drama like suggesting she's thinking about moving away in order to get the guy to fall at her feet and profess his everlasting love her her? Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So are you saying that "pre-emptive" break ups are also a good thing? Break up with the guy in order to gauge his feelings? This sounds like a dangerous game.

 

 

 

look, I think most people would not intentionally play games to get what they want - afterall how could you trust that person right?

 

I don't think pre-emptive break-ups are a good idea - but generally if it seems like it came out of no where or the dumpee does not KNOW the reasons why it happened, how else would you explain it?

 

For me I did not PLAN this game or break up with him - he asked me for a break and I flipped out and thought the best solution at the time was running away. He would not give me a straight answer and felt like he was playing with my heart and emotions. He wanted a break but insisted on coming with me to airport. He wanted a break but insisted that I come home soon. He wanted a break but insisted that I go with him to Mexico for a trip.

 

Are these the sort of 'SIGNALS' that you are talking about Royltnxile??

 

 

[Royltnxile]

The signals I'm talking about in my situation was the fact that I told her I respected her "issues" and asked her not to write me off. I told her I didnt' want it to end, but realized that there was nothing I can do about it. I left her alone, without getting angry or pulling the needy routine. Two weeks after the break up she was calling me all the time, but not saying anything regarding us. At that time I sent her flowers and a book for her birthday with some sentiment in it, nothing overly sappy, just letting her know that I cared and missed her. Again, she would call me and she acted like she wanted me to say something deeply devotional or something....but why wasn't she saying something to me in return? AFterall, she was the one who got scared and panicked...she was the one who cowardly and callously dumped me over the phone on Valentines Day....all she could do was call me and say stuff like "just called to see what you are doing..blah blah blah"....or not leave messages. A month later I sent her a letter that was very complimentary and not overly sappy, but definitely very deep regarding my feelings for her....and she didn't even bother to respond. Then 2 months later she starts the "no message" phone calls again.....so I have no clue where her mind/heart was..all I know is that she is very emotionally dysfunctional with a load of intimacy issues. My dilemma is that even a year later, the whole experience still eats at me, despite dating someone else.

[BillyJean714]

Do people need to reassure themselves there is nothing else out there and legitimately do this to find things out about themselves?

For some people - yes. Once they have something good, they take advantage of it. Often times, in my experience, at least with friends and my personal relationships myself, those who do this, tend to be selfish. They're selfish because all they care is about themselves, when they KNOW they have a good partner.

 

It could also be that something about their partner, the way they treat them isn't right. So they subconsciously look for better. (Both of these instances borderline "cheating" to me). That's why it's important to find someone who compliments us in so many ways- personality, interests, values, likes/dislikes, sexual chemistry so that there isn't a need to wander.

 

Or is it just a low move of coming back to a safe spot when the other things fail?

It's a low move. No one likes to feel like they're the last option.

[vesper]

This sounds like a dangerous game..

 

 

royltnxile - I would like to also know why you think this is a 'dangerous' game?? ...

 

 

just curious!!

[Süsser Tod]

royltnxile - I would like to also know why you think this is a 'dangerous' game?? ...

 

 

just curious!!

 

If you came with that drama to me, I'd show you the door.

 

That is why it is a dangerous game.

 

If a girl tried to push that sort of "tests of love" on me, she is done. Relationships are not about testing the love from your SO at every moment.

[latina07]

I Do Not believe In Time Apart. It's Either You Are In A Relationship And Put Ur Efforts On Fixing Things And Working Them Out Or You Just Won't Be Involved With That Person. And Yes People Make Mistakes Of Cheating Or Checking If The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side. But Come On Now!!!! Most Of The Time Is Not!!! You Know Who You're With And Most Of Us Know How Having A Great Catch Feels Like, If You Got None Take Care Of It And If You Don't Leave Him And Plant New Seed Somewhere Else!!!

[aving21]

Im basically goign through this except it isnt really a "grass is greener phase" its a selfish phase where she needs time to get herself together before she can move on with or without me. But yet she still clings to me liek we are still together. I can tell this when i distance myself or talk to some one online she finds out some how and clings back. I dont understand why people would take a chance though if she came back to me i dont even know now if i would be so eager to jump right into things. So yah some times couples need "time apart" to figure out how much they miss. But if one person takes the time off from what ive experienced its pretty much a stab in the heart and the other isnt too happy when she comes back.

 

some times it takes being away from some one to really notice what you had. but taking a risk like that is harsh on the other.

[BillyJean714]

Aving, I really think you need to tell her to leave you alone.

 

My friend's doing the same with her ex. I told her, "You either want to be with him, or ya don't." Her response, "Maybe he's not the right one now, but later.." Bull. She knows deep in her heart she's still loking for the "right" guy. It's unfair for her to still be with him, hang out with him here and there and act as though they're still boyfriend/girlfriend. That is just wrong.

 

Stringing someone along is NEVER nice. It's selfish/unfair. Reverse the situation a bit. If you were in her shoes, don't you think that it would be an excuse to say, "I don't want to be with you now, but later.." If you did that, wouldn't you think in your mind you know that you're just saying that just to say it? My point is, sounds like she is not being honest to you and to herself.

 

She's keeping you around for her own convenience. She's just stringing you along. Then again, take anyone's advice with a grain of salt. You need to experience things on your own sometimes in order to get your own definite answer. Just don't allow yourself to get hurt, if you are aware of the situation. Good luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Not dangerous just silly. If you really want to know what someone feels you ask then you see how they behave if it dont add up you leave it at that. This aint the movies where he comes running after you with flowers before he or you boards the plane (my exes words not mine)! I think Big Jim is reffering to a situation where the girl broke up with him because she was leaving anyways this is different than being dumped and running away. Sounds like Bigs friends ex just wants to have her fun see whats out there without the guilt. So I would say see ya enjoy yerself and dont let the door hit you on the way out.