had my date with the ex...update :/.

[sbrew21]

I never realized how much harder it is when you see your ex. I was hoping I would go out with him and feel over it and have closure except the exact opposite happened. I came home in a bundle of tears. This is how it went:

 

He called me to find out if we were still going to dinner because I didn't call him all day. He seemed almost not sure about it, so I asked if he was still up for it and he said of course. Then he asked if we should meet there but we do live next door so I just asked if he was home and he said he was so I told we should just go together so he said he would pick me up so he did.

 

We went to dinner and I did everything perfect. I was fun, I was myself, he asked me questions, he was even clean shaven which I love it when he does that (and he knows it).

 

They ended up sitting us at a table we would always sit at but I didn't say anything about it. He did though, and I just kind of laughed about it. Well our server ended up being one of his friends so we were all joking around and laughing. Really we were having a good time. I told some funny jokes, I looked freakin so hot, and just made everything really light. Usually he would comment on how great I look but not this time.

 

We ordered dinner and it was funny because we ended up ordering the same thing without even discussing what we were having.Our server brought us some shots called B-52s - yuck, but they made me do it and it was kind of funny. Dinner came and I honestly had no appetite. I was so full off about three bites of chicken. He asked if dinner was not good, and I just said it was great but I had a really big lunch (not the case). I was just sitting there realizing how much I missed him and it really sucked. (of course I did not let that show).

 

Then the check came. A part of me was hoping he would offer to pay my share but I threw my share on the table really quickly. Well probably a little less than my share but for the most part. I asked if that was good and he nodded and paid the rest of the meal. I was a little bummed about it but it was expected.

 

So we got in the car to go home and we had talked about this song I love at dinner. Well he put it on the car (without me asking) and it really pumped me up. I was jamming and he was laughing. I was just being silly I guess.

 

Anyway he dropped me off and a small part of me really wanted to kiss him goodnight but I knew I couldn't. I gave him a kiss on the cheek goodbye (its a miami thing) and said I had a great time. He said he did to and we should do it again sometime. I just yea and got out of the car.

 

I don't think anything wrong happened on this date but I feel awful. I just really miss him more than anything. I could tell he was really trying to play it cool too. (just could feel it). Anyway, now I am stuck back at square one with not being able to make any contact or do anything about it. The ball is totally in his court.

 

I don't know if this was a step backwards or forwards. I have no idea what he is thinking. I know I have to let it sink in for him and I know he did have a good time with me. I just feel really sad and realized I am not ready for a friendship with him. I have only known him as my boyfriend so it was weird not being able to hug or kiss him, or hold his hand at all.

 

Any thoughts.....

[annie24]

ouch! that's hard. I think it's time to go back to NC. If you had went out with a friend to dinner, you wouldn't have come home feeling this way. It sounds like you are disappointed that things were so "friend-like." Like he didn't give any indication of wanting to get back together, and you didn't feel that the chemistry was gone on your end. Is that what happened?

[sbrew21]

I know I have to go back to No Contact. I didn't expect him to give any indications of getting back together either. I just realized how not over it I am and it stings big time. I just couldn't read him at all. At least he did say we should do it again sometime. I felt him looking at me. I also felt he was purposely playing it cool b/c he didn't know what to expect either. I don't know, maybe this whole thing was just a bad idea. I just wanted him to be WOW when he saw me, and I wanted him to see how great I was doing, which he could see, and a part of me does want him to want me again I don't even think he was "friend-like" becuase there was some tension. I guess I am just really confused and back to "give it time"

[annie24]

Ouch. That's all I can say. That sounds like the way a date would go between me and my ex if we were to go out. No thanks.... Well, NC.

 

Do you think it would make you feel better if you were to go out on dates with other guys soon?

[sbrew21]

i have been going out with other guys. Just not into any of them.

[annie24]

well, at least they are a distraction.....

[renaissancewoman101]

Sbrew, I understand how you are feeling, how you are thinking whether he is still into you or not, did you impress him or not, etc. I know exactly how you feel and how you feel let down since he didnt react in a way that you thought he would react. I had a friendly get together with my ex about three weeks before I moved out to CA. I had told him that I was moving away because I wanted to see how he was going to pay me back the money he owed me ($1500). He told me that he wanted to go out with me for dinner, so we did. My dinner sounded so much like yours. I was light, flirty, happy, carefree at dinner. I wanted so much to get back together with him but I wanted him to ask for it, not me and I wanted him to see that I was over him (even though inside my heart, I was crying for him and not wanting to leave him). Dinner was awkward with me putting on an act and him acting nervous around me. After dinner we went and saw a movie, and he wouldnt sit close to me. The whole thing was like torture to my emotions and feelings and after the whole thing was done, I went home and cried my heart out because I missed the ex and wanted him back so bad. The meeting woke up feelings in me that I forgot I still had for him. It gave me some hope as well as some despair. I was also dealing with moving away. A week later the ex asked to see me again, but I declined. I could see from the first meeting he didnt want to get back together with me and I couldnt deal with all the emotions esp right before doing a major move.

 

Morale of the story, do NC and forget about the ex. It will help your heart and your soul. If you want a friendship with him, wait a few months down the road when you are more healed up and feeling better about yourself.

[Big Jim]

whoa sbrew21

slow down a little. You went out, had a great time, looked great,etc. All these things will affect him. Yeah hes playing it cool, doesnt want to lay anything on the line, but i am sure if he has any feelings for you he is doubting things big time. As a guy, whose done what you just did, you got to give it time. Both of you are trying to hold on to pride and prove to eachother, i dont need you. Sounds like you couldnt have asked for it to go better. Dont beat yourself up, your expectations were too high. See what happens

[Orlander]

I gotta say that I don't think you are quite ready for anything with your ex, sbrew21. I think that any contact with him you have that isnt centered around getting back together is just going to bring you hurt.

 

Sounds like the date went well, but I am sorry you are feeling the way you are now. I think NC is the way for you.

 

 

Orlander

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Have to agree with everyone else here too. NC from now on, you're definitely not at the place you want to be if you're only going to be friends. You still need some distance, it sounded like you wanted things to go back to they way they were.

 

As for the other guys, maybe it's not such a great idea to be dating anyone right now? I'm thinking the reason you might not be into these other guys is because you're still hung up on your ex. Maybe?

[Scout]

Thanks for the update! My take is that he still cares about you, probably more than just as friends, too. But, he may be relieved for now that the "official" relationship part is over because of the stressfulness of the weeks leading up to the break up. So, I don't think he thinks he wants to get back together at this time. Now, that doesn't mean he won't change his mind in the future, and I think if you do keep it strictly as friends - just the way you were last night, NO physical stuff, he doesn't get to have that anymore - then over time, you two might reconcile.

 

Is it worth it to you? Do you think a reconciliation would be in both of your best interests? If so, play the friends card, but whatever you do, don't go beyond that. Once you give something more than they're entitled to without a commitment, it's almost impossible to get that commitment.

[Scout]

And one more thing...a lot can happen over an extended period of time. Your boyfriend might mature a bit (and realize what he did that contributed to the break up) and you might do the same. But if you make this extended period of time emotional and sticky - i.e., "friends with benefits" - I can almost guarantee you'll end up hating each other.

[friscodj]

Oh man, reading your post brought back memories. I consider myself experienced in the field of "roller coaster" relationships and from what you wrote, you are strapped in a ready to roll. Right now, you guys are on the kiddie coaster, but you're headed straight for the Rollercoaster 'O Pain pretty soon...

 

The common theme here is that you are holding onto hopes that something has changed since your breakup and that this change is profound enough to where a serious relationship between you two can now all of a sudden work. Are these hopes justified? Possible but not probable...

 

But how can you walk away from this? Sure, we as detached observers can sit back and surely say "you have to go NC" but this isn't probable either. You can't just "go NC" in this case, it's not that easy and isn't even what you want to do. Plus, if you did, would you regret not giving it a shot to see? You want this guy, and it sounds like he wants you too. You both have energy feeding off of each other in this sense. All aboard!

 

This guy doesn't hurt or abuse you does he? If not, from experience, I think this is a situation you have to experience for yourself and live through. You're already strapped in ready for the ride...may as well take it... Each time I've done it, I made steps to undertsanding myself and relationships better. You might get sick afterwards but you'll heal and I think ultimately this experience will be beneficial to you and you'll probably have some really good times in the process...

[NR498E]

whoa sbrew21

slow down a little. You went out, had a great time, looked great,etc. All these things will affect him. Yeah hes playing it cool, doesnt want to lay anything on the line, but i am sure if he has any feelings for you he is doubting things big time. As a guy, whose done what you just did, you got to give it time. Both of you are trying to hold on to pride and prove to eachother, i dont need you. Sounds like you couldnt have asked for it to go better. Dont beat yourself up, your expectations were too high. See what happens

 

I agree with this 110% I've been in this position myself and he is at home thinking about you.If you ask me I think it went as good as it could possibly go.I think you should lay low and be cool for a few days then if you don't hear from him by say Monday I think you should then give him a call.

I promise you he is stewing over this as much as you are.

[Scout]

Frisco, cool post. What do you think about my take on things? I'm not advocating NC for her either, but I don't think she should resume the physical stuff for a long time.

 

Curious if you think this is a wise course?

[friscodj]

She's tried dating other people and hasn't been able to move on. He seems interested and there sounds like there's some chemistry there. As long he is a decent guy, doesn't cheat on her, abuse her, etc. it's probably better for her to live this one for herself.

 

Sometimes "going NC" is overprescribed like antibiotics on this site. This is a good case where it might not be best considering the situation and the big picture.

 

Your posts have a lot of merit Scout, detailed and instructional. She's got a lot of good advice here for sure.

[Scout]

I don't think NC is the way to go here, either. Like I told her in an earlier thread, her situation is almost identical to the relationship that originally led me to eNotalone. I honestly feel I made a big mistake resuming the physical stuff after we broke up, and if I'd just kept it as friends for a long time, he would have come around. Instead, I let him have all the benefits of a relationship without any commitment required from him.

 

And he definitely took advantage of that, maybe not on purpose, but he did. We ended up in a horrible fight that permanently burned our bridges. I just felt so vulnerable the whole time, hadn't left a measure of protection for myself...so eventually, I really flipped.

 

Granted, I have a great boyfriend today, so it was for the best we didn't get back together...but i still wish i'd looked out for myself more with that one.

[sbrew21]

Wow wow wow, this is so interesting. I spoke to a friend today and he gave me some really good advice that I want to throw into my sitation. He told me "you don't know what he is thinking and he is not a puzzle, so stop trying to put it together." At first I was just whatever about it but the more I thought about it the more I realized he's right. Honestly I know I am so emotional because I am completely overwhelmed with everything that just happened. The date was perfect. I mean if it was a first date I would have thought it was completely amazing but since there is history its hard because I have never gone out with him and not been affectionate. I would have liked a good night kiss of course but I know he has to be thinking about it just because I looked really really good. And his friend/server seemed to be flirtatious with me.

 

I know I am just emotional about everything right now and it will subside. I appreciate everyone's take on this. All I know is by going out with him I realized how much I missed him. If he does ask me to go out again I will go just because I want to. I will not get physical with him at all unless he actually says he wants to get back which is going to be baby steps for sure.

 

I know I was amazing last night. I think I am just over analyzing everything like crazy.

[Scout]

I will not get physical with him at all unless he actually says he wants to get back which is going to be baby steps for sure.

 

Hold on to this thought. Lol, sorry if I'm over-emphasizing it, but my strong opinion is that this is the key to an eventual reconciliation. In the meantime, there is hope that the next several months...hell, maybe over a longer period of time...you two will be building a real friendship. And this will provide a stronger foundation than you had before, if you two do reconcile.

[sbrew21]

I just need to calm down. I am overwhelmed.

[sbrew21]

well he IMed me today and has been talking to me for like two hours.... I guess that's a good thing since he hasn't done that in five weeks.

[annie24]

hmmmm.......

 

I know in my situation, I could never be friends with an ex if I still had feelings for him. I'd be sick to my stomach hearing about new girls he is seeing, even if I'm casually dating myself.

 

In fact, I was friends with an ex for many years, and I was still in love with him, all that time. It turned out to be a disaster. Being friends with him got me nowhere, fast.

 

But, that's just me.

 

What did you guys talk about for 2 hours?