smoking

[jayjay7]

Hi, me and my boyfriend love each other dearly, but he smokes. Not as much as he used to (due to my constant nagging) but I'm getting sick of seeing him light up and him not knowing the damage it's causing to his body. We're having a weekend away by the sea in a couple of days and I'm thinking of telling him to enjoy it while he can because he wont see me for a while after that, to make him take me seriously and that it upsets me. I know it won't be long before he comes to his senses and realises that he wants me more than his fags.

 

What does everyone think about this? This is my last resort, I love him too much to lose him to cancer.

[lunatic]

Welcome To Enotalone.com!

 

As a smoker I have to defend him. He knows what it is doing to him but, smoking is more vile than you realize. Not only does he know that this habit is disgusting but, he also knows it is killing him. One thing to remember is that Nicotine is more addictive than crack cocaine. They have rehab centers for people suffering from drug addiction but, no place for a smokers to go. Smoking is a powerful addiction that will take more than your constant nagging to get him to stop. My advice is for you to leave if your that unhappy with his habit. It is not fair for you to use your emotional connection to get him to stop.

 

This is the thing... You cannot MAKE him stop by playing with his emotions or playing mind games. HE HAS TO WANT TO STOP FIRST! You can encourage him but, to play games with his mind or heart is not right. If your not happy tell him then leave. If he loves you that much he will come to you. Then be there and support him while he tries to quit. Don't beat around the bush or play mind games be upfront and honest with him.

[jayjay7]

Yes I am going to be very honest and upfront. The thing is, he does want to stop smoking. I have bought him loads of nicotine patches and tried to help him a lot. He promises me that on a specific day, if we're having a day out, he won't smoke at all, but then what does he do? He smokes. He knows I don't like it, and I'm getting fed up of him breaking his promises and wasting my money for nothing ](*,)

 

I realise how hard it is and I'm not forgetting that, but he does want to quit and I want to help, but he won't use his willpower at all. I fear for my health too with all the second hand smoke and I'm going to tell him that I don't want to be near him while he keeps fooling himself that everything's ok.

 

Breaking up with him is out of the question, I'll let you know how it all goes x

[onmyownagain]

The trouble is, if you back him into a corner he will just smoke when you are not with him. That just makes things worse.

 

All you can do is hope he can give up but you nagging is not going to do it.

[RayKay]

Hi, me and my boyfriend love each other dearly, but he smokes. Not as much as he used to (due to my constant nagging) but I'm getting sick of seeing him light up and him not knowing the damage it's causing to his body. We're having a weekend away by the sea in a couple of days and I'm thinking of telling him to enjoy it while he can because he wont see me for a while after that, to make him take me seriously and that it upsets me. I know it won't be long before he comes to his senses and realises that he wants me more than his fags.

 

What does everyone think about this? This is my last resort, I love him too much to lose him to cancer.

 

I am not a smoker...but I can say he knows darn well what it's doing to his body. I know a few smokers, and they do KNOW what it does. Even my brother smoked for years, despite seeing my grandfather (whom he was close to) die of lung cancer (he was an ex-smoker). He finally quit after many tries, but it was hard for him without a doubt due to his personality. There is not a smoker these days whom is not aware of the toxins, or that it dramatically increases risks of several cancers, emphysema, that it stinks, dries out your skin...I don't know any smoker whom is not aware of that.

 

Honestly, I won't date someone whom IS a smoker because I do feel so strongly about it, and don't want their health on my concsience, or to put my health at risk. Plus it's a turn off. So that's my choice. But I certainly would never start dating a smoker and nag them to quit either - I went into it knowing full well they smoked, and only they can decide to quit. You have every right to decide you can't be there as he smokes, but if you are giving an ultimatum like that be prepared that it may not work out in your favour at all, but you still must be prepared to follow it. That's the thing with ultimatums...

 

Ultimately the choice has to be his, he has to want to do it. You can support him of course, bt can't force him. And it can take smokers several tries before they quit...the average is at least three serious attempts apparently.

[piegirl]

As a Smoker I have to say that quitting is a very hard thing to do. I have tried numerous times to quit and so far have not managed to do it.

 

I have however cut back alot. My BF and I have set many dates that we will both quit. We quit then end up smoking again. Wanting to quit is a great thing and it takes alot of willpower. It also takes more than the patches or other quit smoking products. Those help with nicotine withdrawel but they do not help with the physical aspects of smoking. You have certain times that you smoke such as after a meal, or when driving, these are your triggers and unless you find something else that to replace that physical part then it will not work.

 

My advice is to ask him to not smoke around you. Go outside to smoke, if you eat out eat in the non-smoking section. If you are on a long drive stop so that he can get out of the car to smoke. That will ensure that you are not around the second hand smoke. Only he can quit though you cannot make him.

 

Good Luck

[BellaDonna]

I know how you feel. When I first met my husband he was a smoker. I hated it-

 

He quit on his own about 2 years after we met. He just did it cold turkey. He made a decision that he was going to stop and that was it.

 

Your BF has to truly want to quit himself- nothing you say or do can make him quit if he's not ready to commit to kicking the addiction.

 

Perhaps a program that uses a combination of methods would be best for him, such as gum or patch along with a support group. There are so many different alternatives out there and he'll need to find what works best for him. Regardless of what he chooses, he has to really WANT to stop, or nothing will work.

 

BellaDonna

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

As an ex-smoker, from 2 packs a day to cold turkey, I have to agree with everyone when they say it's one of the hardest things to quit. Heck, I don't have to agree, I know.

 

The problem is that unless you REALLY want to quit, for yourself, you never will. Quitting smoking was easily the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my enitre life. I actually had to take 2 weeks off to do it because I knew if I went to work I'd probably end up being fired due to withdrawl symptoms. The reason I quit? Mainly because I knew it was killing me, but the thing that finally gave me the courage to quit is in my avatar pic. There's something wrong when your cat can't run for more than a minute before she starts coughing like mad. Within 2 weeks of me quitting, my kitty stopped coughing. It's what keeps me from lighting up again when I'm stressed.

 

Still, even when I was smoking, I was able to keep my promises I made to my then girlfriend. If his smoking bothers you so much, you really should leave. He's never going to quit unless he wants to for himself.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

At this stage of my life I can't be picky, but I would prefer not to date a smoker. It is a bad habit and an unhealthy one. But I can understand the addiction, because even when you know something is wrong, but you still continue to do it, then there is something even more wrong.

 

My grandmother was a heavy smoker up until 30 years ago. She lit up a cigarette and I said, "Nana, please stop smoking, I don't want you to die of cancer." She never took another smoke in her life after that. I say this to say that the addiction may be physical, but our minds are more powerful. If he can get himself in the right frame of mind, he can do it. My grandmother used her mind to conquer the habit, and she smoked like a forest fire.

 

As a non smoker all my life I have no experience in this, but I was addicted to Excederin. I suffered from migranes constantly and Excederin was the only thing that cured them. Of course I later learned the caffeine in Excederin was the cause of my headaches to begin with. I had to endure a week long of absolutely painful migranes and stop taking it. Now, years later, I get headaches, but not so often and if I do, I ride them out. And Excederin is nothing more than a myth to me now.

 

Your boyfriend should start with one day at a time, a few hours at a time. You say he doesn't smoke now as much as he used to. Maybe he can ween it down even more. It is going to take some time, but a year from now, the effort will be worth. I also suggest looking into support groups so that he doesn't go through this alone and he can learn from others what to do when withdrawl is making his life a living hell.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Dako]

I was a pack a day smoker when I got married. She never nagged or gave ultimata. Once we went on vacation and I didn't take cigs. After a day of misery she gave me a pack she'd hidden away. It impressed me so much that she restrained her hatred of the habit. That sort of freedom allowed me to quit on my own without patches or voodoo.

Nagging just makes you want a smoke.

 

Now I smoke a cigar every other day, but don't feel hooked. It tastes good.

So there. Naaaa!

[eleanorrigby1]

You cannot blackmail him into giving up for you, he will be angry with you in the first stages of his cold turkey otherwise.

 

I was a smoker, I hated the fact that I had ever started because I have lost grandparents to lung cancer and breast cancer is in the female line of my family, I worried all the time about smoking but the weird thing was, i enjoyed it, with a drink, after a meal, when I was upset or stressed, after a hard day, I actually enjoyed those cigarettes, or so I believed.

 

My boyfriend didnt smoke and on our first couple of dates I didnt because I didnt want to put him off but by the third date i was sick of going to the toilet to sneak a cigarette and he noticed that I alwas smelt of deoderant and mint chewing gum when I returned. He laughed and said he would prefer it if I didnt smoke, but it wasnt going to stop him from seeing me.

 

After about three months I was tired of having to stand by open windows because he didnt like it and I knew his mum didnt either and so I said "I will give up for you" because I love him. However within three days I was so annoyed that I wasnt 'allowed' to smoke that i got drunk and shouted "I want to smoke! it isnt fair!! as a non-smoker you dont understand!!" he just said "Oh okay, I didnt ASK you to give up you offered! I will love you if you smoke and I will love you if you dont"

 

I thought wow! and about two weeks after that I just didnt want to smoke anymore, FOR ME! not for him, for me and that was three months ago and I havent had a cigarette since.

 

Yo have to do it for yourself not because somebody else wants you to.

 

If you love him, you will let him make his own decisions, its his life, his body, his addiction, not WHO HE IS!

[Jylaine]

I must say that you have to let him make the choice. If you force him to make a choice between smoking and you I'm afraid that he will pick you and smoke behinde your back. My ex hated smoking so much and he made me quit but I never really did, I cut back and only smoked behind his back which is way worse. Smoking is a habit and like any habit you cannot be forced to stop you have to want to.

 

I went on the patch only because my mom wouldn't stop nagging me about the smoking and it didn't help me at all, once again because I didn't want to quit. My father smoked for 46 years and just up one day quit because he finally wanted to. It was a struggle but he did it. Smokers will quit when they are ready not because a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, friend, family member, etc. bugs them about it that is just annoying.

[FCTex]

I was in the same situation a few years back with my ex..

 

Let me tell you this. I couldn't make her quit. She hid it from her family, and when she was home she didnt smoke, but she did everywhere else, and everywhere in public.

 

I hated it.. I got sick to my stomach to smell it, and see it and I hated to kiss her after she smoked.

 

I told her I wouldnt see her anymore on the weekends(she was 2 hours away), if she didnt stop.

 

She "stopped"... Only she was smoking from time to time, when she knew she wouldnt see me. She'd sneak them, and hide them from me.

 

I'd find them from time to time and say something, sometimes I just flushed them in the toilet and never mentioned that I found her pack.

 

 

All in all? 2 years after I tried to help her quit? She quit I guess for a few months, perhaps maybe a year, without just some random light ups at parties or the bars, where she asked, and borrowed a smoke from someone..

 

And 2 years from then.. She still smokes.. In her new car, her new apartment, full time now.. Still hiding it from her family... I decided even towards the end of our relationship that I couldnt stop her. It wasn't that she didn't love me, it was just because she didn't want to.. I couldn't ask anymore, I couldnt beg, I couldnt hide or destroy them any longer. Eventually it just beat me down that I couldn't trust her with it all and I gave up..

 

I'm gonna tell ya, that you could say what you want.. But ultimatums like this don't usually work out to the full effect.

[justlookin]

Hi, me and my boyfriend love each other dearly, but he smokes. Not as much as he used to (due to my constant nagging) but I'm getting sick of seeing him light up and him not knowing the damage it's causing to his body. We're having a weekend away by the sea in a couple of days and I'm thinking of telling him to enjoy it while he can because he wont see me for a while after that, to make him take me seriously and that it upsets me. I know it won't be long before he comes to his senses and realises that he wants me more than his fags.

 

What does everyone think about this? This is my last resort, I love him too much to lose him to cancer.

 

I smoked when I was younger and stopped for 18yrs,with the pressures of life and all the stress that goes with it.I started again about 2 yrs ago and do agree that smoking is very unhealthy and my old additude was that people who smoke do not like themselves very much,considering what it does to our health.I smoke about 5 a day and think that it is better then all the meds docs try and give me to reduce my stress level.To be honest with you,since I started I no longer take any medication,including high blood pressure,it is the lowest in 8 yrs.I am currently working and learning about the things that stress me out. I know Nicotine is a drug,but in the meantime I feel safer with it then all those meds the doc tries to get me to take for stress.My question to you jayjay is,did he smoke when you met him?and if he did what was your thoughts then and why have they changed now.

[jayjay7]

Yeah he did smoke when I first met him, but it was then that I fell for him, you know, love at first sight kinda thing. You can't really help who you fall for sometimes, can you? He does only smoke about 5 a day, which is a lot better now considering he smoked a packet a day at first.

Everything's fine now, it does still bug me but I haven't got the energy anymore to nag him so I'm not too bothered. A couple of years from now, if he's still smoking and if we get serious, like marriage or moving in together, then I'll ask him about it... But until then, I'm fine

[munchkin1607307375]

Hi

I just registered as i thought someone might be able to give me some advice.... i've been dating my boyfriend for four years now, and he used to use chewing tobacco all the time.... i didn't mind it that much, but i was very worried about the health implications of it... anyway... he's now quit the chewing tobacco, which i am very happy about... and he is too

BUT now he has just started smoking! only for the last week or so and not much, about 5 a day... but i really really don't like smoking, and i would never choose to date a smoker.... so i don't know what to do.... i love him so much but i hate the smoking.... i have been nagging him a bit about it the last few days, which i know he doesn't like, but i just don't want him to start smoking lots and all the time....

I'm really confused about what to do as i don't think i can date a smoker... but i want to be with him... and i know he doesn't like me lecturing him about the cigarettes so i'm trying not to....but i really want him to stop because i don't want us to break up!

Any advice?!

Thanks

[Dako]

He has to want to quit. Gum or patches can give him his nicotine.

Nagging is ususally counterproductive. No, I'm not pointing the finger.

[munchkin1607307375]

He has to want to quit. Gum or patches can give him his nicotine.

Nagging is ususally counterproductive. No, I'm not pointing the finger.

 

I know... and i'm really trying not to nag him but i really want him to stop as i don't want this to effect our relationship and i don't want to break up with him, but i don't think i can date a smoker....

 

I'm just really confused as to what to do... we've been together for a while, and we both love each other and want to be together always.... but now i just don't know what to do... its like i'm torn in half between loving my boyfriend and hating the smoking....

 

It just seems so silly that he's just started smoking and don't really understand why!

[Dako]

He's hooked on nicotine. If he quit getting that huge load of addictive drug from chewing, he's hurting enough to get it somewhere else. That's why I suggested gum or patches.

I quit smoking for a woman who never nagged and even bought me cigarettes. I knew her hatred of smoking, she left me to deal with it on my own without naggging or a running dialog. I quit for her, not because of her.

[munchkin1607307375]

He's hooked on nicotine. If he quit getting that huge load of addictive drug from chewing, he's hurting enough to get it somewhere else. That's why I suggested gum or patches.

I quit smoking for a woman who never nagged and even bought me cigarettes. I knew her hatred of smoking, she left me to deal with it on my own without naggging or a running dialog. I quit for her, not because of her.

 

Yeh, i guess i don't really understand the whole nicotine addiction.... and i'm sure about five cigarettes a day must be way better than a whole can of copenhagen!

 

Thanks for your advice... i'm going to try really hard not to nag and get too upset by the smoking.... it must be really hard for him too as he was on the chewing tobacco for nearly 7 years....

 

I'll try suggesting the patches... i don't think he'll be able to use the gum as he always ends up swallowing it by mistake!

 

Thanks!

[Dako]

My grandmother and my father both chewed tobacco.

My dad gave me a chunk of plug chaw as a kid, and I was so dizzy and buzzed it was incredible. It's a powerful drug.

[RayKay]

My biological father did the opposite of your boyfriend - quit smoking and took up chewing! Both are pretty disgusting IMO and have just as many risks!

 

Dako is right, it sounds like he took it up to cope with the nicotine withdraw. You should definitely not nag, but do present the options to him. My brother was only able to quit smoking by getting a prescription for example, after trying a few times to do it.

 

He has to want to quit for himself though...you don't have to nag, but I think you CAN make it clear you can't be around it.

 

What a tough situation, I can understand your plight!

[AwdreeHpburn]

My husband got me to quit by appealing to my self-conscious side rather than my health conscious side. Maybe cuz I didn't have one. I knew what smoking was causing but not only was I addicted, but I didn't care.

 

But he knew that I cared about what people thought of me. If I knew people thought I stunk, that was enough for me...

[munchkin1607307375]

Thanks for the replies.... i've never really thought about it from his point of view, and the nagging really can't help!! so i'll stop!

Yah.... chew has so much nicotine in it, i tried it once, but i felt so ill!

Well hopefully he'll decide that he wants to stop smoking..... i really hope he does!!

Thanks everyone!

[midnight_orchid]

He's hooked on nicotine. If he quit getting that huge load of addictive drug from chewing, he's hurting enough to get it somewhere else. That's why I suggested gum or patches.

I quit smoking for a woman who never nagged and even bought me cigarettes. I knew her hatred of smoking, she left me to deal with it on my own without naggging or a running dialog. I quit for her, not because of her.

 

Just out of curiosity Dako, are you still with the same woman you quit for? (not meant to be sarcastic)

And congrats on quitting!