The How-To.

[Jinx]

This is a two part post, an update and a question all pertaining to the coming out process which I'm working at.

 

First, my family knows. In the last post I made my mother had hinted at the fact she knew about me, apparently she and my Aunt (whom was the very first of all to comment on me) put two and two together however long ago, though it seems like it was back at Christmas time they put their heads together just assuming by the way things are said. They both seem supportive as they can with the beliefs they've been raised around, which I am thankful for. I had the worst feeling of doom about all this.

 

Now on the other hand are two of my younger siblings. That on the other hand was not as simplistic as my mother and aunt. They were bubbling about cute guys as usual for teen girls, and in assuming I already crossed the most important barrier (my mother knowing) I might as well be honest because they'd find out sooner or later whether it was my telling them or finding out I had a girlfriend one day. I presumed the first would be much easier. So getting back to the point they asked me who I thought looked cute, well, it wasn't a guy to put it simply.

 

The younger sibling, she didn't hardly flinch her response was more or less a shrug and "Go figure" and tried to carry on like I just said it was raining outside. I think she surprised me more than I did to her.

 

Now the other didn't take it so well and I'm glad my father wasn't home at the moment or else all hell would of broke loose. She gave me an indescribable expression and asked if I was serious when I nodded nonchalantly it kind of kicked in and she started yelling for my mother and she came out to ask about the commotion was and that she would disturb the rest of the family at that rate. My sister told her everything I said while us two stood by waiting and my mother just kind of took it like common knowledge. Then my sister started spewing off about me being a "disturbed character" and demanded my mother do something about me in her house. Needless to say, thus far only that sibling has disowned me obviously as things so happened, not much of a loss far as I can tell. I had a feeling it would happen as she is about as close to my father's ideals as any of us get. When my mother didn't do anything about it I got called a * * * *, * * * * *, etc..., whatever she could think up. She got sent upstairs.

 

I wasn't to happy, it was my first time to be called such things, by my own sister nonetheless. I always imagined that it would be someone down the street or a "friend" with a bad reaction, nope. No such thing.

 

Meanwhile, my father is either oblivious or all knowing. Not sure which. He introduced me to a young man which was his best friend's son. Since my father insisted we go out and spend time with one another (match making attempt may I say?) I decided to play along with it, as not to hurt anyone's feelings. I think my ears were burning by the end of that trip. The guy was an utter embarrassment to be out in public with, honestly I don't know how he existed in society with all his crude remarks about other races and such. Nonetheless, he would become extremely unhappy if I wasn't hanging on his every word, repetitively he asked things like if I were listening or understood or heard him, etc... - I've had much better outings with "prospective boyfriends" that people have tried to pair me up with, I think this was a new low.

 

Now the bad part is, my father has a reason why he is introducing me to such people and I have a feeling we're going to have a clash of interests. He has wanted me to find a man and setup a marriage for awhile now but I've yet to even get to Step One for quite a long time now. If this one doesn't work, he'll just set up another. He knows half of the men in town and who has a single son. This is such a pain.

 

Anyhow onto part two which is more of the question portion here than an update. I have a good friend, one of the few which I've not yet came out to, because I'm afraid of losing her more than any of the others I have came out too. We've been good friends for several years now, but I'm not so sure this is going to go over well and I know like many have said and including myself that only true friends accept you, but still I have the jitters on this one.

 

She knows most of my friends are gay, and she accepts that in such an indifferent way I just don't know how to read it. When I told her they were gay her response was more of curious question about how they happened to come out to me and how I reacted to it all. Otherwise the interest was minimal. Recently she has been talking to me a great deal about dating and men I find attractive. If I say none or play around it (I'm a sad sad story here, I still play straight with her...) she'll mirror my answer which I cannot understand

 

Example:

 

Me: None of them are of interest.

Her: There aren't any interesting ones here either.

 

Me: Well there was this one guy that hit on me the other day.

Her: I had a guy hit on me not too long ago either.

 

Her: Do you think so and so is attractive?

Me: Only if he had a personality, not really.

Her: I agree, he needs an improvement there.

 

Anyhow, its odd. Its almost like she is seeking my approval before she will answer in anyway, or seeking information. I don't understand. Then the times that I've tried to come out subtly in conversation she thinks its a joke no matter how I try to approach it. I've always had a kind of dry or blunt humor, and now its coming back and biting me. One day, and it slips me how it started, I tested the waters and downright told her that next family reunion I'd probably bring a girlfriend over if all went well. She thought it was, yes, a joke of mine and I was dead serious.

 

I'd be a little happier about coming out but she doesn't seem to of put 1 +1 together yet, or at least doesn't make it obvious if she has her behavior puzzles me altogether. Last time we had a real in depth conversation in person (High School - We've kept up since then despite the distance) about the subject I was still in the climax of my homophobic denial period and I tried to make it as clear as possible to her that I was "straight" through this. Even though I told her most of my friends are gay in more current up to date University life, she still acts cautious like I still am an extreme homophobic individual and waiting for an outburst on my behalf.

 

Is it just me, or shouldn't that be right out there that a homophobic individual does not befriend almost all gay men..? Maybe my behavior is in itself giving mixed signals too.

 

The other day when we spoke she told me about doing work on homosexuality along with several other ideas that were disturbing. The other topics were extremely so, and it bothered me that even though it was part of the controversial subject matter she still included it. I don't know if she did just to be thorough on it all or because she does think it is as disturbing as the rest of the topics. She has told me before many times that it is sinful but unfortunately I've became extremely desensitized to that because last couple women that have told me that months prior ended up being lesbians so it doesn't hold much water for me anymore.

 

I really don't want to dance in this straight masquerade party anymore but I haven't a clue how to break it to her that I've been lying for years now about being straight and I'm anything but. Not Bisexual, but a true Lesbian. I've tried starting letters to write to her but they never sound quite right, I've started emails and they never turn out proper to convey my feelings, I've started trying to tell her over the phone and I get anxious and steer away from it and push it off as inappropriate humor. I am at a total loss but before we go any further with this I really need to break it to her. For me it just says a lot that she is the one I would really miss if she left me over this issue. I love my family, friends and good acquaintances but even they pale to everything the two of us have been through over the years and the support we've given each other over everything and I'd not be at all happy if she walked away. I do realize it is a possibility that I have to deal with but because of all this I'm having a really hard time and I know I have to. We cannot reach the 10 or so year mark of friendship in the future and I tell her and it be all down the toilet knowing all along I could of came out with it earlier and less painfully.

[Bethany]

Just tell her.

[Prufrock06]

Hey Jinx,

 

Thanks for giving up an update on the home life situation! I'm so happy to hear that your family, for better or worse, knows about your sexuality! And I'm glad that your mother seems "as supportive as she can" -- my parents are the same way and though it can be frustrating that my parents and your mother still have to work their way around their frustrating beliefs, it's so much of a relief that at least they know, so that kind of emotional burden is lifted off your back somewhat.

 

As for your one sister who wasn't so receptive to the news, I'm so sorry that you had to hear such nasty, hateful words from a member of your family... No one should ever have to hear those kinds of words PERIOD, much less from a sibling. At the same time, there's really not much you can do in the way of people's reactions once you come out to them: they either accept you and respect you (as your aunt, mother and other sister have done), they are indifferent to you (as you fear your close friend may be), or they outright freak out about it (as this particular sister seems to have done). The only thing you can do is give her time to maybe come around or let the idea sink in that her sister is a lesbian. There's really nothing you can do as far as that issue goes and so it does no real concrete good to worry about it other than on an immediate level. The proverbial ball is in her court and it's up to her to make the next move. I just hope that it's a more reasonable one than her immediate reaction...

 

Then the times that I've tried to come out subtly in conversation she thinks its a joke no matter how I try to approach it. I've always had a kind of dry or blunt humor, and now its coming back and biting me. One day, and it slips me how it started, I tested the waters and downright told her that next family reunion I'd probably bring a girlfriend over if all went well. She thought it was, yes, a joke of mine and I was dead serious.

 

Wow, I had this same kind of problem with some of my friends. Because I'm a natural joker and I can be sarcastic at times, a lot of them thought it was a joke or had a hard time believing me when I came out to them or tried to because they weren't taking me seriously, which is a boy-who-cried-wolf kind of situation, when you think about it. Anyway, despite the negative context, it made me smile to see that we have that issue in common

 

I really don't want to dance in this straight masquerade party anymore but I haven't a clue how to break it to her that I've been lying for years now about being straight and I'm anything but. Not Bisexual, but a true Lesbian...We cannot reach the 10 or so year mark of friendship in the future and I tell her and it be all down the toilet knowing all along I could of came out with it earlier and less painfully.

 

On the contrary, I think the years of friendship you have under your belt would work to your advantage when disclosing such personal, honest information as your sexuality. She's obviously your close, good friend for a reason, right? So think about the reasons why you think she's such a good friend, why you enjoy her company despite these mild frustrations about wanting to come out to her so bad -- surely she has many positive characteristics that would work in your advantage when it comes to coming out to her, right? I feel like if you couch your public acknolwdgement of your sexuality to her in terms of feeling bad for lying to her for so long (as I prefaced most of my coming out statements to my close friends), it adds a kind of dimension that you recognize what the other person might be feeling after hearing such news (ie. that they were friends with someone who wasn't completely honest, etc.). Maybe another thing to mention (and something that I to did to my friends) is that you're still the same old Jinxy-Jinx you always were around her and that you want your friendship to continue to grow and reach this 10-plus year mark and the only way to do that is because you respect her and your friendship and you want to be completely honest with her from now on. Given the negative reaction of your one sister, I can imagine how terrified you must be about coming out to such a good friend who is an important part of your life -- but in the end, the only other option is continuing to go along with this "masquerade" as you put it so well. And you definitely don't want to do that, it seems. If both paths are going to be frustrating or fraught with worry, it would only make sense to pick the one that would be less troubling for you, right? In which case, that path would be staying true to yourself and honoring your friendship with this person by coming out to her. You can do it, Jinx! You're in my thoughts -- and continue to keep us posted!

[FoxLocke]

Jinx, I am so glad to know that you had such a positive response, sans your sister, from your family members. Atleast that is a weight off of your shoulders and you don't have to pretend anymore.

Don't give up on your baby sis though. She will eventually grow up and start forming her OWN opinions(ie not what daddy has programmed into her)...For some reason he blatant homophobia seems like an insecure defense mechanism. Could she be gay too? That is totally a wild shot in the dark seeing that not all homophobes are gay...Just something to think about.

 

Your situation with your friend is the exact samething I'm going through with my mom. I've been playing straight my entire life and now I'm making out with guys in the house. It's getting to the point where I can't hide it anymore...

When my friend was over my mom pulled me to the side and said, "Are you sure you want to hang out with him? I think he is dealing with something that you might not be prepared to..."

All the while I'm thinking, "Uhm yeah I've dealt with..."

 

How about this. Whichever one of us comes out first the other has to go second...lol. Like if you come out to your friend I'll come out to my mom and vice versa? Well, I won't hold you to that...lol.

Well, you made the biggest step by telling your family. You will find strength.

[KIDD]

Hey Jinx! I'm also glad that your family took it well. As for your sister, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure she still loves you & everything, but she doesn't understand it right now. I'm sure there will be a point where she'll accept you & she'll look back & regret the things she said to you. Just give her time to accept this, it might have been a big shock to her. Foxlocke said something also that made me wonder... Maybe your sis is trying to fight off some deep hidden feelings as well? Though this is just a guess, I'm wondering if maybe she may be confused at her age & maybe perhaps scared. I'm not saying that she is gay though. I say just leave your sister alone for awhile & just let her adjust to the situation. I'm not saying avoid her, but just give her some space to think things through..

 

As for your friend, I'm sorta in the same predicament as you. So I don't know what good advice I could give.Just give it time & realise that if she is your friend she'll accept you. Now if I could only believe my own advice & I know it's not easy! TRUST ME I know too well.I'm really thinking about coming out to my friends because it's getting harder everyday!

 

 

With that said, Jinx.. I wouldn't worry too much. You seem like a very intelligent & strong person & I'm sure things will only get better for you in the future. You've helped me greatly in so many ways & I hope that I am at least helping you as much, if not more than you've helped me! Keep us posted! Also remember to relax & everything will come into place..

[Jinx]

For some reason he blatant homophobia seems like an insecure defense mechanism. Could she be gay too? That is totally a wild shot in the dark seeing that not all homophobes are gay...Just something to think about.

 

Foxlocke said something also that made me wonder... Maybe your sis is trying to fight off some deep hidden feelings as well? Though this is just a guess, I'm wondering if maybe she may be confused at her age & maybe perhaps scared.

 

You know that was a good point I thought of myself after she was done screaming at me. My first thought was - gee, I'm looking in the mirror. She acts a lot like I did years ago when I was in my own phase of denial, I was a hellion about homosexuality just as she is. I can't really say who is worst, I've never heard such an outburst from her before that I recall off hand. She is more passive aggressive than I was over the topic, I was just blunt about the whole matter.

 

I guess that is the overwhelming reason I didn't actually become aggravated, just sympathy to her and really whatever else I could feel when it seems like you've been disowned by a sibling. I didn't like the words but what can I say. While she may be straight and simply is homophobic on her own level, it just was so much like myself and if she may too be like me I can understand where this may of hit a nerve and projected everything aside of my coming out.

 

On the contrary, I think the years of friendship you have under your belt would work to your advantage when disclosing such personal, honest information as your sexuality. She's obviously your close, good friend for a reason, right? So think about the reasons why you think she's such a good friend, why you enjoy her company despite these mild frustrations about wanting to come out to her so bad -- surely she has many positive characteristics that would work in your advantage when it comes to coming out to her, right?

 

Maybe another thing to mention (and something that I to did to my friends) is that you're still the same old Jinxy-Jinx you always were around her and that you want your friendship to continue to grow and reach this 10-plus year mark and the only way to do that is because you respect her and your friendship and you want to be completely honest with her from now on.

 

Yes, that I will try to express. Like you mentioned, that is my worst problem, we work on an such an honesty basis. We've never lied aside of this, argued, did anything over all these years to one another and been on a level of complete harmony which I don't see that often with other female friendships which have lasted this long.

 

Most we've ever had were some minor miscommunications which were easily solved anyhow. So I guess through all this I'm afraid of this causing controversy in one or more ways which will break all of that which we've had up until now.

 

Again, we have had those years of friendship and I would surely hope it would mean a little more and put more into her decision if she is truly that much against homosexuality, at least maybe exempt me from the rules she has set because like said I will be the same person, the only thing that has changed will be my being honest about who I truly am interested in. I still am a little shaken about coming out to female friends after the last "friend" of mine insisted I was interested in trying to pursue her and the others shrunk away from me without much comment.

 

It did hurt and I think what did more than the fact they left, is the dread that maybe she will do the same and that no matter how close we've been and that I've never did a single thing that could be possibly interpreted as "seduction" she may still get ideas with what was once innocent touches and phrases just because of that one little label. Though I know I'd never do anything like that to her, she may not or start wondering. As much as I hate comparing my life to a movie, a friend and I were talking about a show which was controversial on the level of "Are they or aren't they?" and the fact that its one that if you're viewing it on a heterosexual level it is simple touches of comfort, conversation, or such and phrases which have no hidden meaning yet when they add in the potential of a homosexual label everything is reanalyzed and "What if"s are applied to the whole scheme of things until it is twisted out of proportion and brought a new meaning to it all.

 

Seems I may be fretting over nothing and she'll accept without blinking but I never know how it is going to go, bad or good.

 

How about this. Whichever one of us comes out first the other has to go second...lol. Like if you come out to your friend I'll come out to my mom and vice versa? Well, I won't hold you to that...lol.

Well I can work with that, unfortunately we can't shake over the internet from this distance.

 

As for your friend, I'm sorta in the same predicament as you. So I don't know what good advice I could give.Just give it time & realise that if she is your friend she'll accept you. Now if I could only believe my own advice & I know it's not easy! TRUST ME I know too well.I'm really thinking about coming out to my friends because it's getting harder everyday!

That is the hardest part, in knowing that we have to and will eventually some how to come to all of these important people in our lives but it is the thought of what will happen afterwards, that is the scary part it seems. I just need to roll with the punches I guess, and instead hope for the positive results when I do come out her to her. Only time will tell after I speak the words.

 

You seem like a very intelligent & strong person & I'm sure things will only get better for you in the future. You've helped me greatly in so many ways & I hope that I am at least helping you as much, if not more than you've helped me!

Thanks The same applies to you, and you have helped me a great deal too, and I'm glad I could do the same for you. Where ever I can I try.

 

That goes for everyone here, I appreciate each and everyone of the regulars here, the help and support is priceless to say the least of it all. As I've said before and say it again, don't know what I'd do if I didn't have each one of you here and this community to help and vent about these problems when they become pesty as they do. Thanks to each of you, it is truly valuable and appreciated.

[The Hanged Man]

In telling your friend, have you tried using the word 'seriously' before dropping comments? Also actually saying her name before you tell her will get her attention and make her feel it is serious. I think telling friends is much easier than telling family, which I am still yet to do.

 

I had one friend who I used to joke with about homosexuality and when I actually came out to him, he was like 'yeah, whatever you say'! He didn't believe me, then I said 'Seriously man, I'm gay'. He believed me after that and had no problems with it, he then told me he was bi and he thought I was hot, it was very unexpected! He said he didn't want us to have sex but he really wanted to kiss me, so we shared a 10/10 kiss, our only ever kiss. He was easily the best person I told!

 

Expect a good reaction when you tell her, the power of the mind is great.

 

Anyway, good luck with it and I pray all goes well.

[Jinx]

Didn't quite come out the way I imagined.

 

Anyhow, as for the background on this. We were having one of our happy casual chats and I was speaking to her about my slew of semester conclusion projects. One is on Homosexuality which involves geographical, age, race, background, etc.. information in which I need to have an essay and speech which compares all these aspects via interview answers. So I was telling her how all that was progressing nicely, she just kinded of "nodded" over the phone (the kind of uh-huh that signals if you were in person they'd be nodding) as she tends to do, which is postive. Then I told her my next and final project is based on a minority race, community, or people from a country whose culture we are not at all familiar with.

 

I came out, unintentionally at that point, to her because of this information. Without really thinking in the spur of the moment rapidly moving conversation about things, as our conversations are extremely fluid, I told her I would of just loved to of did my final project on Homosexuality for interview sake if nothing else but the professor said it had to be something foreign to us, and I expressed that there was an extreme emphasis on the fact we can most certainly not be part of it. According to the professor part of the fun is in learning, not in saying everything you already know.

 

Few moments later, we're already on another topic and she suddenly cuts me off by kind of laughing and I asked "What?" doing the same, thinking I had mispronounced something as the second conversation may of allowed me to do. It went quiet for a few minutes before she said, "Just what do you mean by 'Can't do it because you belong in it'?"

 

Ouch. I was caught, red handed or red tongued, whatever it would be over a phone.

 

So I tried as calmly as possible to explain that I am a lesbian, and thus I can't do the project. Quickly followed up by the fact that I had planned to tell her, just at a more opportune time than this way, over the phone line. "Really" was her response. I was bothered by the tone, its kind of like that hurt yet trying to hide it by sarcasm type that she uses. I didn't really know what else to say other than it wasn't my intention to lie for years if that was what bothered her, I was just simply afraid of the response. Instead of taking this she followed up by "calmly" (which I use loosely at that time) asking me how many people I had told this bit of information. Well, wouldn't be who of me to lie, so I told her the names and what had happened after I did. She still was being quiet so I asked if she was Okay and how she felt.

 

She kind of snapped at me, which has never happened, she said if I would pay more attention to her I'd already know how she feels about homosexuality and that she would reinterate the idea, expressing she accepts it. [EDIT] Wanted to add in, I do pay attention to her, that is why I thought she'd reject me. When someone makes a point of saying before in conversation that it is sinful, or listing it with other topics claimed to be disturbing, and otherwise being indifferent what am I supposed to assume? I'm not telepathic. I just did not understand this outburst of hers at all.

 

I knew she wasn't happy for some reason, but she changed the subject and I decided maybe it was still a little too raw to go back and ignore her kind of request for a change in conversation.

 

Yet, the conversation was so unusually cold I think I was more disappointed than anything else after we said Goodbye.

 

I felt more like the guy in the movies who sneaks in after midnight and gets caught by the wife and needs to tell the painful truth to her because the excuse wasn't planned out right that time. That was the very first impression I got when recalling the conversation.

[UT]

Damnit woman, using wordies I have to check up.

 

I'm sorry your coming out didn't go very well. that's the problem about being passionate about something and having smart friends. We all seem to have at least one 'coming out' that has went wrong.

 

Like when I was going to tell one of my friends. I wasn't really gonna tel him then and there but I was thinking about it. But we did homework together and since I'm the only one with the office package we used my computer and first when he came I was talking to a gay friend and he made a comment that I looked nice (this was in november or early december. but he's only a friend. it wasn't until 23rd december I met the man of my dreams ) and my straight friend was that but I was able to explain it as him only being a friend, gay and very open and none of that was a lie. he had a gay friend (other than me) so he knew how it could be... However what actually gave me away was my weekly subscription on link removed gay life that just happened to come right when we did our homework... on the computer and he asked me if I was unsure a bout my sexuality and I said that I was very sure about my sexuality.. and told him but I was lucky. he's indifferent to almost everything so he took it pretty well. and the of course he had to make fun of me about my friend.

 

Well, your only problem with this friend seems to be that she's hurt. Talk to her, maybe she needs to jknow why you didn't tell her first or waited this long to tell her.

[Tigris]

If I were you I'd just give her time to think about how she reacted and treated you. When she's ready she'll talk to you. If she's not comfortable with you being a lesbian then you'll know because she won't be contacting you.

 

She sounds to me like she's jealous that you didn't tell her first!

[Prufrock06]

Jinx,

 

You did a brave thing and you should be commended for it. The proverbial ball is in your friend's court and it's up to her to make the next move. Perhaps she just needs time for this to sink in -- which is perfectly understandable and something that I've had to deal with from certain good friends and family members as well. As Tigris suggested, maybe she's upset that you didn't confide in her earlier (again, something I've had to deal with in my coming out experiences).

[jon 13]

fox you've been with more guys and havent wrote about it ; ;. heh jk

[Jinx]

Damnit woman, using wordies I have to check up.

Oh, I'm getting good at that.

 

Like you all had mentioned maybe that is just it, needs the time to sink in and potential that she has been hurt by the fact she wasn't first.

 

Though in waiting for her to call me, I forsee a problem, or at least potential. When we talk, I've pretty much taken up the duty of initiating communication that deals with a phone. So if I waited for her to call, I'm afraid she'd think backwards that I suddenly didn't want to talk to her. Which I'd like to avoid, don't need to complicate this any further by seeming like I'm ignoring her.

 

Then again knowing her, if she has any regrets the morning/afternoon/evening after all this she'll most likely try to contact me in order to make amends of the situation because I'm going to make a rash assumption that she may feel bad that she snapped at me and acted like she did?

 

I'm just trying to figure out her line of logic. From what she said she expected me to "pay attention" and know she accepted it, well, from everything she said verbally prior to this contradicts the idea, unless she deemed her overwhelming attitude of indifference to homosexuality as acceptance. Maybe there is nothing to figure out and was just an emotional response without much basis otherwise that it sounded like.

 

With the busy schedules we both have, it is unlikely that I will be able to get ahold of her for a couple days anyhow. Maybe that will allow her a cooling off period or at least time to think it over so we can discuss in a civil manner.

 

I don't know if it would be wise to bother writing an email or hand written mail message over in which to explain in depth why I did what I did. I'm debating whether it would be wiser to let her initiate conversation or for me to do so and cover my tracks over why I did what I did.

[Jinx]

We managed to meet in the middle about contact, though it was off schedule for us both, it did some good and cleared up the issues.

 

Come to find out she was hurt over the idea that she thought I considered her shallow minded by thinking she was homophobic and run away from me about that. She just proceeded to explain one side of a person isn't all there is and that I've accepted so much of her over the years, one minor dimension of me like that isn't going to make a dent far less anything else. I was pleased. Though we never did all that contradiction stuff cleared up, one reason I worried in the first place but, nonetheless.

 

On the second half she was bothered by the fact that she was technically the last to be told, and she said that most likely had it been her in the same shoes (ie coming out) I would of been the second to tell (I am a "rival" to her mother in the realm of information as she put it.

 

I explained to her why I did as I did and rough edges were smoothed and we seem to be on our happy jolly road again. Which I'm pleased extremely about. I thought it might of been a bad scenario in the making and that would of been one of the worst to me.

[Tigris]

I'm pleased everything turned out well Jinx.