I'm not worth anyones time.

[Belinda]

That's how I feel. I feel like everyone is sick of me and can't be bothered with me.

I just got off the phone to my ex, he kept me on the phone for 3 hours when I have an assignment for uni due tomorrow - now I dont have any time to get it done. He said I was abusive and manipulative and that I keep "Rolling out the insults". He also said that Ive treated him worse than any of his friends.

I can't handle this.

 

Before he rang I felt this way too, I was gonna make this post and than that happened, and its just making me feel worse.

 

I've always been a big girl and always was degraded and treated like a second class citizen for it. Yknow the usual, picked last, called names. The lot.

 

In high school I could never get a boyfriend even when all my friends did, the boys said I was too fat and that there wasnt any point when all my friends were hotter than me. I left school not much longer after that.

 

A few years later when I was 19 I met the very first guy who ever showed an interest in me ever, he asked me out and I said yes. Then he cheated on me twise and did a long list of unmentionably horrible things.

I wish I had those 2 years of my life back.

 

I decided to be friends with him. And I've been in contact with him. I'm over him but it seems he keeps yelling at me. And now it's gotten to the point were I'm wondering, am I really a * * * * *? Maybe he's right and I didn't realise it.

 

It wasn't until another one of my friends who is nice said I was a * * * * * too that I realised it must have been right.

 

SO not only am I fat and unattractive to society, but my personality is worse again. * * * * *y, abusive... the lot aparently.

 

All I ever wanted was someone to love me and just me. But I'll never be as good. All those friends from primary school. Half are married with kids, the others well... they all have live-in partners, and ones overseas with her fiance.

 

So here I am still like an insecure teenager. Knowing that no man will ever love me sincerely, and not to either fill a void in his life, or use me.

I'm shunned at Uni and no matter what I try can't make any friends and I get sneers and looks from people on public transport.

 

I'm just ready to give up. EVerything I do, I do it wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to be nice to everyone but I end up horrible. I dont even know how to treat people well. I'm probably not even worth this forums time. WIth my stupid rambling.

 

I doubt theres any advice to give. but Im just ready to give up on everything.

[avman]

Well Belinda, where do I start with this?

 

I've followed your posts for some time and probably have a bit of inside information on your situation. I do not think you'll like what I have to say, but I think it needs to be said.

 

You really are your own worst enemy when it comes to your ex. He's been abusive to you for a long time. You are broken up, which is a good thing. Yet you try to stay friends with him? Why on God's earth would you do that? You also do this at the expense of your friendships with others which is going to leave you feeling even more isolated.

 

It is entirely within your control to change the situation. You need to cut off communication with your ex. There is no reason for him to be in your life when he basically adds no positive value to it. Why sign up for abuse? You need to worry about yourself and put your ex and that relationship in the past.

 

Also, I think you should really consider some counseling. The way you talk about yourself is not healthy at all. You need to love yourself before you will find a healthy relationship. Self loathing only invites abuse because a person feels that this is they only attention they'll ever get. You need to realize that we all deserve to be treated well and that there are people out there who will do that. Sometimes they are right under your very nose and you don't even see it.

 

I do wish you luck. But the next steps lie with you and you alone. You must make those changes in your life to start down a new road. Don't spend all your time looking back. You can do nothing about the past. Look toward the future and take the steps necessary to change your life for the better.

[Bethany]

I have to agree with avman.

 

I would also like to say that looking at your pic... you are very pretty and your smile made me smile before I even read your post. So if I as a complete stranger 'warm' to your face, others do too.

 

But whilst your continue to listen to negative people saying negative things about you, things aren't going to change. Listen to avman, I couldn't have said it better.

[renaissancewoman101]

Belinda, you really need to let go of your ex. He sounds like a controlling, nasty guy who wants to still put you down and control your life without giving you the benefits of being in a relationship with him.

 

I do understand your self-consciousness about your weight and how that trickles into all the other parts of your life. I have issues with my height. I am 32 years old and I am only 4'5" tall. My mom has major issues with that and has been since I was a little girl. My mom was my own worst enemy, more than outsiders, friends or strangers. My mom hated how tiny I was. Her friends made fun of me a lot and put me down. When they told my mom that they felt sorry for her for having a daughter that was so tiny and that I would probably not amount to much or even find a husband, what did my mom do??? She went and took out her anger on me and cursed me for being so small and making her look bad to her friends. She constantly is trying to make me wear heels, boots with heels,etc so that I can look taller and not make her look bad. On one hand she tells me that she loves me for who I am, on the other, she is constantly criticizing me for my height. As a result, I suffer from low self-esteem problems, etc and that has caused me trouble in my own life since i am afraid of things, I get worried about how people view me. It has not been easy but getting into counseling does help because there they teach you ways to think better about yourself, be confident, etc.

 

Good luck.

[Belinda]

I already said my goodbyes to him tonight, so the problems in my perseption and not with him alone now.

He (after alot of pushing) said he was going on a date with a young girl. Of course in the guise that it was not a date, and that it was out of bordom. Whatever.

Either way I decided, with the way he behaves towards me, it wasn't fair to stay in touch because I dont want this girl hating me for ruining her chances with him. Maybe he's changed and will respect her, I hope he has. But I now with me around it wont improve her chances much.

Not to mention, I'v been there before way too many times.

 

It's not about *letting go* of my ex as such. I've pretty much done that a long time ago. The reason for arguments essentially lies in the fct that I can and will defend myself.

As for pushing my other friends away. It hasnt. The only person it may have pushed away is Allan, and trust me, he IS the only one angry I talk to the ex. Hell, don't even get me started there.

 

Counselling, well I tried that to no avail. I even went to the Uni councellors and they said that if I needed personal councelling for free they only did it for loss or berevment or issues with other students. Great. The others only run "free trials" in which they counsell you and question your family about you. The hell?

 

The only real councelling around here costs a fortune.

 

It's just gotten to a new level. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but not as intense as to spend a day planning and buying my poisons (metaphorically).

 

Thanks for your advice guys. But I think maybe this time it's gone even further than the help of advice. Everything thing I hear I can't even justify and doesnt make sense to me. And it's not even that Im looking back at the past with the Ex or anything, I dont even care what happens to him, just as long as he's happy in what he does.

 

Ive got uni but thats beyond screwed up this week. Ive lost 10 kilos but it doesnt even show, so im living what seems a meandering pointless existence and though I know its clean moral to not kill myself, right now, Im not really seeing many reasons why I shouldnt >_

Im just a coward.

[Bethany]

When you feel like that, the only way out is up. You've done the right thing, you are changing for the better, keep positive and know deep inside you that I would miss that smile, and I don't even know you!

It makes me smile because I can see what a lovely person you are.. Keep that in mind when you recall all those bad things he has said to you. You definitely have one big fan here on eNotalone

Keep positive and don't like the *******'s grind you down.

 

and I think you should know.. Bad people don't care what people think of them...you're a good person just to be worrying that you're not one.

[Tigris]

I agree with Bethany, you've got a lovely smile. I hope you walk around Uni beaming like that? Secondly, well done for losing 10 kilos in weight. Keep up the good work!

 

I'm pleased you've decided to get your ex out of your life because I think he's been one of your major problems. It sounds like you haven't been happy with him for a while? If this is the case then you would've had negative attitudes around your friends, etc.

 

Suicide - I can assure you that that is not the answer! I thought about doing that a few years ago because I was in so much pain with a disability that hadn't been diagnosed. A few years later I thought about it again because I became very depressed and my body wouldn't work how it should do!

 

Anyway, I'm the happiest woman in the world now because I'm in love with the most wonderful woman I've ever met. I met her through her daughter on here and we talked on MSN and the phone. I've just returned to England from Colac, Australia (not far from you) after becoming engaged. Don't lose heart in finding someone to love. I can guarantee if you stop looking someone special will come along when you're not expecting them to. My suggestion is concentrate on Uni and get your work in on time. Think of your future.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Belinda]

Colac hey? Thats no far from here no

Thanks for your reassuring words, I think my problem is I just expect this to be easy for other people. But it never is, is it.

It's funny because the way I've been acting lately just isn't like me, in fact the stuff I've been saying lately I've been pulling myself up on, and going "That sounded so pathetic Belinda..."

Like saying I needed someone to love me.

God, I'm the first person to say you need to love yourself first, but now Im the hypocrite falling into the same trap.

 

I'm really happy for you that you found the love for you I hope one day I can be as lucky as you. However until then I should probably worry more about my studies, my family, my friends and my relationship with God.

 

Cause I suppose at the end of the day, dates come and go, but those are the things that stay. I even forgot my best friends birthday last week. How horrible is that >_

 

I used to be really independent and now I look as though Im becoming the epitamy of dependance. It doesn't get much sadder than that.

 

But my parents are leaving for a round-australia retirement trip in a week and then Il be on my own for the first time, and Im so frightened because theyve been helping me so much and keeping me sane. I hope I can be strong through that time, because right now I feel so weak and defensless.

 

I'll take your advice, I'll think of the future. One day I want to become a great artist, and though thats an immensly hard career to crack into I will put all my thought motivation and energy into that. Maybe one day people can understand the spectrum of ups and downs in my life, through my art. Thats my dream.

 

Also, thanks Bethany Your words really inspired me to try my best and stay strong. I'll probably be weak as hell this week but I know with perseverance I can do it, and that many other people have been here before me (I hope).

 

I'll keep you posted on my progress, even if it annoys the hell out of the members whom are sick of hearing me whine >_>

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Definitely want to second the comment about you being very pretty..I smiled at your avatar, and I've had a real bad day..I bet you could make a lot of other people smile.

 

Being thin doesnt necessarily lead to happiness. In my case, being thinner usually equals utter misery..its when I feel good about me, Im most attractive, and id recommend coounselling. I DO know where you are coming from though, I am in therapy partly because I hate the way I look so much..but I do things like have my pic up here so I can look at, accept it and maybe even like it one day.

[Bambi]

First off wow. I agree with everyone judging from that picture there you are very pretty, better than me anyway. And also do not worry about whining. On this site we are ENTITLED to our whining! As long as it doesn't get ridiculous, but don't worry you haven't gone past that stage yet.

 

You've gotten through some pretty good steps to get better cause heck, the first part to getting better is admitting you HAVE a problem. Now, if you think you're not worth anyone's time, I mean REALLY believe this, try to figure out why. Seriously think of how you could be at fault because you may discover some things you never realized. Writing it down in a list might help. Now that you have an idea what is wrong, do something about it! Try to improve anything that might be wrong (I'm not saying there is). And if nothings wrong, maybe your friends are the problem and not you. As a last resort find friends who appreciate you.

 

Another thing you can do is talk to the people who seem to have a problem with you (Excluding your ex) and ask them to tell you straight what they think you can improve about yourself. But if you really feel depressed this might not have the effect you're really looking for (It might make you feel worse depending on who you ask)

 

Now if you think you're fat..well you don't LOOK fat. But if you feel fat what's the diffrence? Cause I kind of know how you feel in that case. There's only one thing you can do, fix it yourself. Go on a (Healthy diet), excercise, cut down on the sweets or whatever it is and than keep at it until you fee l comfortable with yourself. In the long run you'll be a LOT healthier making it easier to lose weight. There's really not much other advice I can give to anyone with that kind of problem. Have patience. ^^

 

Honestly now that I read your post over I really do sort of know how you feel. With the friends I have it seems like EVERYTHING I do is WRONG! EVERYTHING! And when I apparently start doing things wrong I get angry and quite frankly (I admit it) when I get angry I am a * * * * *. So everyone ends up mad at ME and pins the blame on ME. Everytime. -_- What I do is I just try to act somewhat low profile. I don't mean being a shadow in the darkness, more like keeping my temper in line. This way they have NO reason to blame me for anything, so if they try I know they are full of crap.

 

I really doubt I helped much, just felt like posting my say. ^^ Good luck! Hope things work out for you.

[ComputerGuy]

I wouldn't say angry about it...I'd say more frustrated for the exact reasons others have pointed out here. Frustration is also the one feeling I hate above all else and stresses me out LOL