Belinda

it's easy enough to say just change, and I appreciate the advice but I've been fat my whole life, I've tried everything I can think of. I'd exercise for 3 -6 hours a day even, I've even starved myself in desperation when I was 17 which just ended up making me incredibly sick. I tried joining weight watchers a couple of weeks ago but it fell through. Everytime I was with Brentyn he wasn't all the supportive about it and would get stuck into fried chips and burger king while I was hungry, then offer it to me. Honestly, I'm starting to think it's not even POSSIBLE to lose weight. I've never been any other size than this fat self. And even if I DID lose weight, I have a disgusting face. I just want to be able to stand next to him and feel worthy but I can't... I don't know how. I'm starting to believe the ONLY thing I can do is leave him ... I want him to find someone who suits him, and he's a happy upbeat beautiful guy... he needs someone positive who doesn't bring him down. And if I don't have the guts to dump him... I'm scared what I might do in desperation. I sill don't get it, I'm still confused and desperate as HELL for a way out of this. It's like I'm stuck in a cage with no key for the lock

I can't even begin to tell you how long I have struggled with my self esteem. It all hit boiling point today when I was threatening my fiancee that I would commit suicide. We had an engagement party on the weekend and alot of his friends didnt even say hello to me, when I got the photos back it hurt. There was a photo of us together, hes a very attractive slim man. When I looked at it I burst into tears, all I saw was a fat ugly hideous mess of a person standing next to a beautifull and genuinly happy man. And the reason I was crying because I knew deep down he didn't diserve such an insecure partner, I can be abusive and emotionally instable and I simply can NOT see why he loves me at all. I hate myself for not being good enough for him. All his family and friends are beautifull and model sizes. And here I am, clinically obese with a face only a mother could love. Should I end the relationship? I don't want to hurt him anymore and I KNOW I need to love myself ... but I have tried all my life and I just CANT I look disgusting and I hate it. I hate my personality too. I'm desperate, I want to change but I have NO idea how! I cant afford a couseller and the doctors never help... My partner cant help either, hejust tells me to stop it and thinks thats enough. It hurts so bad... I just want to end this pain and hate and the only way I can see that happening is by either bottling it up (AGAIN) or killing myself. Please, help?

How would I get that help though? I've been like this forever and I can't afford a counseller or something... it's hard.

Thanks so much I feel so much better now and reassured, I really appreciate your kind words - they mean alot to me. I used to be on weight watchers but I had to stop because it got too expensive.. but i have to do something dsoon because the doctor thinks if I keep this up I'll kill myself >_ I'll have to try my best...

Thanks, I hope it's all it is then. I just worry because of the amount of times he seems to mention it. Or accidently refer to me like I'm unattractive or something. It just makes me think well if it worries you that much, why don't you go find someone else >_

Yeah that is very true... but I have a potentially idiotic question then, how would I go about getting past insecurities. My fiancee is breutally honest (this is I love about him) so sometimes he can put his foot in his mouth. But I've always told him to be honest to me if it hurts. I stand by this, I'm much happier this way. But the flip side to that is that it does hurt me. And I suppose getting him to tell me stuff like that is a way of self-harm. Emotionally anyway. Does that make sense? I wish I knew what to do to stop it though.

Thanks guys I hope that is all it is. I remember where alot of it stemmed from. At the very beginning of the relationship he said he wanted a woman with small breasts and a slender body (I'm larger with a D cup and he said it anyway >_ So ever since then I've felt like I wasn't good enough for him physically... And I often get the feeling he is ashamed of my appearance. It doesnt help my self image alot to be stuck with a man who prefers a woman who I could never be

So I'm being unrealistic? I was just worried because my last boyfriend cheated on me and I thought "Well if he likes other girls more than me, won't he want to pursue that?" I know I have insecurities... but I felt like him saying this stuff only re-enforced them...

The other day when I was in the waiting room at the station with my fiancee, a girl started to check him out then gave me a death stare. She sat behind him and he put his arm up on the back of the chair (lightly touching her neck). I wasn't sure if it was an accident but I don't know what happened next because I went to the toilet. I came back and he was doing nothing suspicious. Anyway later I told him about this and his responce was something to the extent of "Wow, but I couldn't get a girl like that!" It really hurt, but eventually I got over it, and he apologized. Last night I asked him to make a list of girls he was more attracted to than me (he could list plenty he was attracted to but REALLY struggle gettuing a list of people better than me) He thought of three girls. Two were celebrities (fair enough). One of from his old school. He told me he'd never get off to her , out of respect. So what should I take from this? He find other girls more attractive (that's fine) but what does that say about our engagement? Is it possible to even find a guy who'll like me number number one? And in addition, he gets off to me, so does that means he respects her but doesnt me? I've always sorta suspected he liked skinnier girls more than me (I'm fat). I'm so confused. It really hurt (but I SO appreciate his honesty) Any advice as to how I should interpret this would be GREATLY appreciated.

The best way to know if it's wether you love him or wether your just loney, is to get out there and meet new people and hang out with old friends you haven't seen in a while. If you either join some clubs, or start an educational course - not only will it take your mind off the pain, it'll also get you out there meeting other people and hopefully at least to some extent fill that lonely void in your life. Once you've got a reason to say "I'm not alone" then you should ask yourself "But am I still feeling lonely?"... Hopefully then the answers will come to you. But I assure you if you stay alone he will be ALL you will think about, even if you *dont* love him completely, so be fair on yourself

Thanks everyone so much for your advice, it means alot to me. Even though my Mum suffered mild anxiety for a while, I really don't have ANYONE that understands what I'm going through at all, so just knowing there is someone out there who cares enough to give advice means the world to me. I'll try my best to take heed of that advice... although I'm a little afraid going to the doctors on my own about that, as it'll just reinforce how damn lonely I feel >_ Sometimes I hate that about myself...

Every morning I wake up terrified... not scared terrified. Shaking like aleaf, crying, breathing fast... I wake up straight in an anxiety attack. I want to vomit. I just can't do thisanymore, I can't do this alone. I'm so scared, I have so many problems... I can't carrying all this pain inside of me. Can someone help me? I don't know how. I'm so scared. No matter what I do it causes me tremendous pain and fear. I'm so afraid and out of control that I just wish I could do anything to stop it... even killing myself. I'm sick of being so faulty, weird, fat, emotional and horrible to everyone around me. I have so many problems, I don't think I diserve the lifeI've been given ... I just wasted it. I'm useless >__ I just can't take this anymore... I wish someone understood me....

Will do hon *hugs* Thanks again

Thanks so much... I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one who's gone through these feelings. I have to admit I've been feeling alone in my thoughts,like I'm a freak or something. Your words have really inspiredme though, so thank you I really hope I can make things work with him, because when I'm with him he makes me feel complete

Thanks for the advice again. The whole thing is churning me up inside. However he told me he isn't going to leave me, nor give up on me. I'm so very lucky to have him. And as each day goes on I know he's helping me to heal and break down those barriers I put up so I wouldn't get hurt. I say I really do trust him, but Im not doing a very good job of showing it. I've decided that if, by this next fortnight, I havent cheered up or stopped dwelling on this - I'm going to try and see a doctor about it, because it's just not healthy to be so up and down all the time. I'd literally do anything for him, so the very least I can do is try and work on myself first, so he doesnt have to deal with it FOR me, cause I do know thats very immature. I'll consider the suggestion about writing a list down... but I have brought this up half-heartidly so many times already I think, and Im afraid, he already IS sick of it. But I've decided in order to heal I shouldnt need his help anyway, so I need to try and work out my insecurities on my own. The last thing I want to do is completely milk him for emotional support. Especially this early in the relationship. But I did have a good think about it, and Im sure he's the one I want to be with. There not a doubt in my mind. ( OHH creepy, just as I sent that, he sent me a txt message on my mobile saying he loves me, out of nowhere) I guess I really dont have much to worry about hey