Keeping emotions in check... my story...

[majord23]

Royl,

Great post and I agree with it - staying friends with an ex when you still love them or want them back is a recipe for disaster.

 

Having said that, there seems to be a black and white view on the boards. The view seems to be that there are 2 courses of action post break-up.

 

1) No Contact.

2) Stay Friends.

 

I don't see that as being true however, There is a big grey area that I believe is overlooked and has alot of merit when attempting to get an ex back. And that is "staying in touch"...nothing more, nothing less. It just means occasional contact. Popping into an ex's life occasionally and remaining visible. Not enough to develop a 'friendship' (in the traditional sense of the word) but enough to remind them of why they fell in love with you in the first place.

 

I've worked with an attractive girl for 6 months that I see once every couple of weeks - we are not friends and nor will we ever be. BUT when I see her, I am light, funny, we have a laugh and our interactions are quite flirtatious. She asked me out on Friday.

Now, if we had become 'friends' when we first met, that probably would not have happened. Likewise, if I had met her once, charmed her and then disappeared I doubt that she would have asked me out either. But the fact that we had occasional contact, and that it was always enjoyable led to her asking me out.

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

 

Now, it is obviously more difficult when dealing with someone that you care/cared deeply for. If there are residual feelings then it will be harder to maintain that light/flirtatious/superficial relationship. And that is why this thread is entitled as it is...keeping those emotions in check.

 

I think a distinction needs to be made between "staying friends" and "staying in touch" though...because there is a very big difference.

 

The biggest key to being able to do this, is to truly not EXPECT things to work out. You still have to move on with your life, meet others and in no way put your life 'on hold' waiting for an ex. If you are able to do that, then the interactions with your ex become less of an effort, and just become your natural way of interacting with them. And if you are able to get to the point where your interactions are completely natural, that is when your chance of getting them back is best.

[Pikey1972]

Yes, that's a good point majord, the distinction between "staying friends" and "staying in touch" - there is definitely a subtle difference.

 

My ex is "in touch" with me (I let him initiate contact every time), but I wouldn't say we hang out as friends (i.e. we don't spend weekends together, don't go on walks / holidays together etc).

 

Keep posting on here - I love reading your posts, they're very helpful and constructive (grovel, grovel, grovel

[enolaton]

Royl... it means a lot that you're looking out for me. I genuinely appreciate it. I certainly understand your point of view, and at one point in time, I would have agreed 100% and stuck with NC. True, I wish that I had another chance with my ex, and thus, I am posting on the "Getting Back Together" group. But, things are not the same, and I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I am definitely much stronger, and at this point, I am farther down the path to moving on then I ever was before.

 

I believe Major is right. We are not "friends" in the true sense of the word. We are merely keeping in touch, becuase it was NOT a bad break-up, and it had to happen in order for us to truly see the people we had become while together. We still care for each other, and know each other like the back of our hands (as so most couples). We do not talk everyday, and I've seen her twice in 7 months, so we're definitely not hanging out. In fact, since I've broken NC last week, my ex called me to talk last night, and believe it or not, however strange it sounds, by talking to her, at times she says and does things that remind me of the things I did not like about her. So, in a way, it's sorta helping me move on. I DON'T recommend being friends, or even keeping in touch with the ex, until you determine yourself strong enough to do so.

 

Would I mind if we reconciled somewhere down the line? No,depending on what has changed. But, am I keeping in touch with her strictly to get that second chance? No. I know we can never be "true" friends, and said exactly that to her when I broke NC last week. She agreed. We are keeping in touch, mainly becuase we are both good people who just didn't seem to work out as b/f, g/f (at least for now, and I'm not holding out for any future reconciliation). It's not to say that by keeping in touch with her, I am agreeing that she was right in her decision to break-up with me. She knows how I feel about the whole situation - I've made that clear. I am NOT giving into her demands to be friends. I went NC despite her pleading with me, and broke it (when I felt strong enough to handle anything that came my way) to keep in touch, at my own free will.

 

It is what it is. I'm sure somewhere down the line, our communication will start to fade as we enter other relationships, but if we mean that much to each other, that bond will always be there...

[majord23]

Keep posting on here - I love reading your posts, they're very helpful and constructive (grovel, grovel, grovel

 

Flattery will get you everywhere Pikey

 

Yeah, being 'friends' to me means meeting up regularly, being a shoulder to cry on, discussing emotional issues and problems etc. and having a level of communication that would be deemed excessive.

 

'Staying in touch' is a very superficial form of communication: non-excessive, non-threatening, non-pressuring and non-emotional.

 

The point to remember is that it is up to YOU to keep it that way. If you sense an ex is 'coming around', there is no point 'pouncing' and attempting to speed things up. All of a sudden, you'll find yourself back in a submissive position....and possibly begging/pleading/getting emotional. Even if you love your ex, you must treat them like someone that you are interested in and NOT like someone you have a history with.

 

You don't escalate communication at all - ie Don't start contacting more regularly, or if your main form of communication is emailing....don't start calling. Likewise, don't suggest meeting up....keep the communication at a regular, steady (but unpredictable) level and let the ex dictate what form the communication takes.

 

The ex must be thought of as nothing more than an acquaintance...and treated accordingly. Like I said, after a while the stage will be reached where the ex will be (in your mind) nothing more than acquaintance...and you will either realise that the effort of staying in touch isn't worth it, or you will put them on the back-burner (as we do with lots of people) and think: "Maybe one day, if the timing's right".

 

That's as long as you approach communication with the right frame of mind: Keeping in touch is to keep your ex as 'an option', and not something that should be depended on to bring them back...that will just delay your healing, and you will remain dependent on them.

 

I am not doing this (staying in touch) with my current ex at the moment. I am not ready....and am not sure if I will be. I know that I must be able to recognise when I will be ready, and THEN decide if it's a path I want to go down.

I have made the mistake of attempting to stay in touch with a previous ex, but I had no idea what I was doing. Every few weeks, I would ask her how she felt about me, how things were with her new bf, if she ever saw us getting back together etc. If I didn't get the answers that I wanted, I would increase contact, the interactions would become more emotional...and ultimately I would push her further away.

I have learnt so much from those interactions, at the time I felt like I HAD to know and all I was seeking from staying in touch with her was reassurance from her....which was the completely wrong way to approach the situation.

 

The 2 things I remember most, in terms of what not to do, from that period of my life were these:

 

-Do not seek, or expect reassurance from your ex.

-Be Patient, don't rush anything....even if you think you are getting somewhere.

[BONO]

So the ex phoned me on Sat pm to meet up to have a drink with her friends. Hung out and then went back to mine where she got changed to go out. We all went out and had a meal B4 the surprise b'day party.

 

Had a great time not once did us come up, but she was by my side all night. A few of us went back to mine upon which the ex got very emotioanal with all of us, saying she is sick of seeing all of us when we all get drunk. She then stormed out of my place to get the train home. I followed her and calmed her down. Bottom line is that she opened up a bit to me.

 

1) She really misses me and broke down with her mum the last time she went home. Her Mum said "what will be will be"

 

2) She really misses the lifestyle down here but is happy with her career.

 

 

Took her back to the flat where she went to sleep in my bed with one of our girl friends. Went to the local pub and had a great time with all our friends. She was then asked if she wanted to stay somewhere else apart from mine by our friends as she had decided to call in sick today and travel back at lunch. She declined and we went back to my flat. I went to sleep around ten and she stayed with my bro in the living room. I got a text from saying that she would love to fall asleep next to me but could not bcause I am seeing someone and my bro would take a dim view.

 

3am she came into my room and falls asleep next to me. We kissed and held each other. Thats all. This morn she watched TV with her head on my lap. She asks me about the new GF in terms of waht I had said about my movements this weekend. I took her to the station , we hugged, kissed and she looked straight into my eyes ( she was filling up ) and said "I love You" to which I said I love you too kid. I turned away and went to work with tears in my eyes. Im fine and know that she truly loves me but cant be with me.

 

I've had a few text from her - and I have replied thsi pm. She is back home.

 

Boy this is hard

 

 

 

Scruff

[majord23]

 

Boy this is hard

 

Mate, in all honesty it sounds like hell....but you did it!

 

Imagine how bad you would have felt if you discussed the relationship?

 

Imagine if you had pushed her, in terms of seeking some assurance about her feelings, and she responded unfavourably? (You didn't and she OFFERED them instead ).

 

As tough as it was scruff, and as hard as it is to know that she loves you but can't be with you....you have come out of it in a much better position. In fact, you cannot be in a better position.

 

You are a walking success story, even if she doesn't come back.

 

I dare say that there was a time that you were down on yourself because you thought your ex viewed you as needy. I bet there was a time that you thought you had pushed her too far away by pursuing her. I bet there was a time when you never thought you'd hear her say the words "I love you" before you said them to her.

 

And look at you now.

 

You have controlled your emotions, you have avoided pressuring her...and now SHE is the one seeking reassurance. The situation has (almost) done a 180. Once the hunter, now the hunted.

 

YOU are the prize scruff, because you have showed incredible strength and not displayed any neediness. As for now - you do nothing but keep moving on mate. And I mean that.

 

She cannot have a better impression of you at the moment. You cannot improve her thoughts of you, but you CAN affect them negatively. That may not give you much comfort if you don't hear from her for a while - but the ball is now firmly in her court. She has to come to you again. If she says she loves you again, I would be reluctant to reciprocate this time mate. It doesn't do you any favours (when attempting to heal) and it also doesn't do you any favours in terms of her perception of you (she needs to see that you are moving on....and telling her you love her won't do that).

 

Well done scruff, I'm proud of you again.

[BONO]

Thanks mate. Spot on.

 

Just got a text from her saying "Thanks for everything im safely in bed xxx"

 

Ive just replied " Your welcome I hope you have taken my socks off though ! "

 

 

I will now leave it.

 

Majord thank you

 

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

Scurffism, men want to be him, women want to be with him

good job mate

[BONO]

Thanks Big Jim,

 

How you doing ?

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

Its kinda long so i responded on my own thread, didnt want to take away from the topic at hand

[BONO]

Are your emotions slowly getting in check though ??

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

yeah getting much more level, seeing things for what they are, not freaking out waiting by the phone. Getting better

[enolaton]

That's what I'm talking about guys! We're keeping our emotions in check. Playing it cool. When I broke NC, I explained to my ex that I merely wanted to keep in touch every once in a while. Meanwhile, 4 days later, she called me b/c she was having a "bad" day, and I am the only one she can turn to (i.e. I know her better than anyone). Sometimes I wonder who she would've turned to if I remained NC, but I don't regret breaking NC at all. Seems after all that has transpired, she can still talk to me and care about me. Now, whether or not she continues to ONLY see me as a "friend" (or more specifically, someone to "keep in touch with"), I'm pretty much cool with that. I'm not the man I was when she first broke up with me!!! I AM STRONGER! I did it ALL guys (begged, pleaded, etc...), but I've grown! Would I still mind a second chance??? Of course not, but I'm not holding out for it - movin' on!

 

Times can still be rough (I still miss and love her a lot), but trust me guys, as the old Slim Fast motto goes: "If I can do it, you can do it". I'll keep you all posted from time to time. Hope everyone (Major, Scruff, BigJim, Solo, etc.) are all doing well out there. Be good...

[BONO]

I was not going to post this but given the topic of " emotions in check" I felt it relavent.

 

Yesterday morning i received a text saying that she had taken another day off work as she felt her body was shutting down and as such was going to stay in bed all day.

 

I had a good think about pros and cons of replying. Normally I would have been on the phone asking how she was knowing that she was at home alone . However, this time I kept my emotions in check, left it for a couple of hours and sent a text back at lunchtime simply saying " how ya doing out there kid"

 

A few hours later I received a very long text text explaining how ill she was, but should be back to normal soon!! (ie today)

 

I did not respond to that text for 2 reasons.

 

1) It did not require one, there was no question

 

2) There is a part of me that feels that she was fishing for sympathy/securtiy and a call back or text as I would have done that.

 

 

She told me that the last time she went home she was very upset and missed me. This time she was filling up and said she loved me. Remember I know her. When she is down she has had a tendency to ham up any illness sometimes to get attention. I doubt she would ever say I've taken time off work cos Im down and miss you. But her actions versus words over the weekend and now this, tends towards the conclusion that she is pretty down right now.

 

 

So I have remained strong and kept my emotions in check. I only replied once 4 hours later out of respect, but did not bow to her insecurity by phoning or mad texting.

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Just received an email. Dont forget the ex moved away from me and all her friends who she see as family to focus on her career bacuse the grass was greener in another town. Its been 4 months now and she has been down twice and has gone back really upset each time. So given that I have for the large part remain aloof and and given one line responses to any communication, here is the email.

 

 

 

""Why is it that I always seem to get one liners or no emails from anyone at the moment. I get the impression that I am being told something by many parties.

 

It's so hard as sometimes just sit there thinking about it in the evening. No phone calls etc etc. Sorry if I snap but feel like I am having to come to terms with the fact that things are changing""

 

Thoughts ??

 

 

 

Scruff .

[majord23]

 

""Why is it that I always seem to get one liners or no emails from anyone at the moment. I get the impression that I am being told something by many parties.

 

It's so hard as sometimes just sit there thinking about it in the evening. No phone calls etc etc. Sorry if I snap but feel like I am having to come to terms with the fact that things are changing""

 

Thoughts ??

 

 

 

Scruff .

 

Hmmm...a difficult one mate. I'm certain that you're the only one that she sent this to - which means that she is most concerned about the decrease in communication with *you*, not necessarily the rest of the group.

Don't apologise for the one-liners, or it means that you're admitting that you're doing something wrong (which you most definitely aren't).

You *could* apologise for the way that *she* is feeling however: "I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling that way...".

 

As for comment about having to come to terms with things changing - you could probably opt for speaking for the group "I'm sure everyone's just busy, I wouldn't take it personally if I were you".

 

You've then depersonalized it (away from you) and you haven't validated her concerns whatsoever...and if she *does* want to raise the issue of things changing between you and her, then she will have to do so more directly.

 

Just my thoughts mate.

 

ps I wouldn't be replying today......

[Royltnxile]

She's fishing for reassurance and attention. You are probably right about her illness being another way to seek attention when she's feeling down.

 

I read your story about your weekend and commend you on maintaining your cool throughout.

 

I'm concerned though - about her saying "she loves you, but can't be with you" That's unacceptable, IMO. I've seen that stuff alot on these boards, and others. "I love you, but I can't be with you". People that say that need to be let go because what good is it to love someone if they can't be with you. My ex is the same way I think. People that can't handle relationships, are poor relationship material.

 

You've got a current new girlfriend? What does the new girl think of her coming down there for the weekend?

[BONO]

The email is just to me, although clearly feels that she is closer to me than any of her friends - as such this email. The nature of our friend dynamic means that when we split and then moved, she left me with our friends. As a result, I see them all the time and to an extent she is left out in the cold.

 

She made the choice to move away. Doing that, naturally you start a new life and the people you left behind continue with their lives and their realtionships. People talk about what happened in the week and at the weekends. Bonds form people move on.

 

A lot of people move to Big Cities for the lifestyle when they are in their mid 20/30s. The last thing they want to do at weekends is to get on a train for 3 hours to hang out in "East Jesus" or " Where Hope Goes To Die " (not directing that at you Major )

 

When my other friends have left this City we always say " yeah I'll come up and you come down, it will be fine" In practice this might happen twice a year.

 

Now if she missed her friends more than me or equally, then she would have not spent the majority of the weekend with me and limited time with our other friends. Nor would she have picked my bros B'day to come down and visit.

 

 

Again actions speak louder than words, but the words are now starting to speak.

 

Any more thoughts to the contray of this would help me.

 

In addition any more thoughts on the content of the email back which could pull her closer would help.

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Thanks Major ( must have said that as many times as I have posted)

 

Roy, I told the new GF( that is not serious at all yet) that I was at a party that my ex would be at - she said fine as she was catching up with her ex Ha ha.

 

 

Scruff

[enolaton]

Keep those emotions in check Scruff! We're proud of you.

 

On a side not, I feel kinda left out. Anyone have any words of wisdom for me??? LOL

[indespair]

Keeping your emotions in check is the hardest thing to do. My b/f broke up with me very suddenly and inexplicably last month, and in the beginning I went the whole begging and pleading route, wanting to know WHY? And his reasoning went from wanting more independance..wanting to move...and didn't want to drag me down, to it being (mostly) my fault since the few times we argued, it would get pretty intense and he couldn't stand that. Then, it was about the fact that he was looking at other girls and didn't want the guilt...all of it adding up to the fact that he was really confused. Anyway, I totally changed my tack after it appeared that I was going nowhere with my protestations of undying love, so I just became...a bit distant. Then he left for like 3 weeks and after the first week of no contact, he started calling me and texting me. Now, granted, he's not being the same lovey-dovey guy he used to be...his attitude has definitely changed, but he is maintaining contact with me. I will pick up sometimes, and sometimes I won't. And when we do talk I have to remain light and breezy and have to FORCE myself to NOT talk about anything too heavy even though I am dying to get back into the deep end of the pool. (Our previous conversations were always pretty deep.) It is definitely something you feel physically. It's obvious that he WANTS to talk with me, and he'll talk about his current frustrations and what he's doing...etc...but there is no talk about "us". Although, something very weird happened a few days ago - I couldn't sleep, thinking about us and missing him like crazy and feeling like I was going to fall apart with sadness and despair, tossing and turning, and then out of the blue he called (my time 2am, his time 4am), to ask if I was okay. He said he felt something imperative, and he needed to call to make sure I was ok. He almost sounded like his old self...it was strange. There's always been a strong connection between us though. Anyway, since then he's called almost everyday, "just to say hi" and I'll say hi, but let me tell you, it is unbelievably HARD to maintain this aura of okayness. I do want him back...I WAS doing to NC thing...but he's the one who's calling and keeping in touch! Does this sound like a guy who is re=evaluating his decision? And am I doing the right thing by being light and casual? I KNOW he knows that I haven't moved on yet. I told him before he left that I will always love him and want his friendship but I am nowhere near ready to hear about him dating someone else. He reassured me by saying that I don't have to worry about that because it's not what he wants and he said he knows that it's not what I want either nor did he want to have to worry about it. Anyway, to wrap, I'm not sure what's going on, but allI know is that it is VERY hard to be unemotional when in front of your ex, especially when you want very much to get back together. However it seems that that is only route to take IF that's your ultimate goal. Any thoughts on this???

[BONO]

Wow ! Let me read that again, try the odd paragaph it makes it sooo easier to read and as a bonus you will get sooo many more responses. Give me a few minutes xx

[BONO]

OK. This is what I want you to do. Read your post and pretend you are us/me. Examine when his behaviour changed and why you think it changed . If your still not sure come striaght back to us. x

 

Scruff

[indespair]

Oops sorry! Next time I'll paragraph...guess I was just going for stream of consciousness...thanks!!!

[Mavh25]

I was wondering, ive explained my situation alot but ill do it again for this. Been with boyfriend 2 years, been naggy, jealous and really generally insecure. I think ive made things sh***y for him and he went to america for 3 months, not due to our mess, but due to work. He had to make a decision as to wether he will live there permanently or not, hes not even back yet, but he has decided he likes it there more and now we have to split up. Ive done the begging, pleading, complete selfcentredness... but i wanted to know, is it too late to make him miss me? is it too late to just not contact him for a couple of days... and make him grow to realise he does actually want me? hes blatantly told me he loves me but he likes it there, and does not want to risk regretting passing up the opportunity to be there, for me back here....... and there is no chance we can be together and that i was scaring him by being so clingy... so is there a chance that if i dont talk to him for a couple of days, that he may turn and say... hay hang on... i really miss her