He's coming over this weekend

[FoxLocke]

The guy I like called me up yesterday and wanted to know if we could do something together for the weekend. Naturally, I sorta jumped at the chance. Then I realized that I did not feel like making to round trips to pick him up and drop him back off. I live 15 miles away from campus...So that is basically gas I'm using up and money does not grow on trees.

 

Anyway, I told him I couldn't do it this particular weekend...Then he kind of got quiet and said, "That's okay...I just really wanted to spend some time with you."

 

I could tell he felt rejected so I said, "Hey, since next week is spring break how about this Friday, after I get out of my last class, you come and spend the night at my house? That way I won't have to be doing alot of driving accross the city..."

 

Then he said, "Yeah, I like that idea!"

 

I told my mom about him staying over and she thought nothing of it. My mom still sees me like a 12 year old so I guess she doesn't think it's weird I'm having a sleep over with another guy.

 

So this Saturday we going to go see this flick called "V For Vendetta." And I think I am just going to go ahead and trust him with my very privileged information...I might as well. If we are going to have any kind of longterm friendship he should accept me the way that I am...

 

But I am still kind of nervous. Last time we hung out he brought up the subject of homosexuality and I chickened out of telling him...

 

How should I approach this topic?

I'm just really worried about the whole devout Christian trip he's on. And I don't want him to think that my sole reason for inviting him over is that I want to get with him...It's not like that(totally). I just really like him emotionally and physically.

[DN]

Why do you think he brought up the subject? Sounds as if he either suspects you are gay and/or is gay himself?

[Jinx]

So that is basically gas I'm using up and money does not grow on trees.

 

Forget the money growing on trees, right now we really need pre-filled Gas Cans growing on trees. Money comes later when the rest of the economy cracks. Going to the pumps and paying up is like, "Would you like an arm and leg with that by any chance?". Ouch is all I can say.

 

Moving on.

 

Kind of like DN pointed out, if he was a really devout my foot is down and my mouth has spoken Christian, he wouldn't even be bothering to ask your opinion. Never met myself a Christian who acted as devout as he tries to be by the sounds, and bothered to ask for my personal opinion on Homsexuality. Most just speak out "Yay" or "Nay" without your input needed in any shape or form. The other half's two cents is just for debate or agreeing purposes.

 

That of course is just my personal experience but I really have to say in my experiences none, not a single one of my friends I've had through the years so casually repetitively brought up homosexuality without some hidden or not so hidden reason behind it. It just isn't a dinner table conversation topic like some other political points are. Even I would question to a degree if one of my strongly Catholic friends during the midst of a quiet session of whatever, conversation, game, etc... said, "So about that homosexuality issue...", that is in terms of one whom I'm not out to. I'd be much less concerned about the reason for the topic coming from one which I've been out to for awhile.

 

Kind of "Yes, its another gay topic, pass the chips please..." instead.

 

And I think I am just going to go ahead and trust him with my very privileged information...I might as well. If we are going to have any kind of longterm friendship he should accept me the way that I am...

 

That I agree wholeheartedly with. Its just one of those things that are the making or breaking point it seems.

 

As for approaching the topic, I love the regurgitation of conversation method. I'm sure that sounds crude, and excuse my lack of better phrasing for the idea but for myself personally on sensitive topics I prefer to bring up something the other person brought up prior on that topic in order to discuss. I'm sure if there was enough conversation on Homsexuality, there was something possibly about coming out or straight people "becoming" gay, or similar topics that get hard hit at first. Anything that touches on that initial coming out and you could possibly ask how he feels if a friend of his were gay? This way you'd get an answer, which could be followed up with "I'm gay" after his answer.

 

Not sure how that would go over, but this may be something well worth conducting early on in the evening in case of bad results. I know we all hate thinking in the pessimistic sense but should he still not be ready to deal and is "freaked out" or becomes tense or potentially violent, er, you don't want to be cooped up with the guy all night. Then on the other hand if this conversation occurs and you encounter a positive response you've still got the whole time for conversation and sorting. If is neutral, same difference. You just want to make sure you're in the best possible position here, free from harm and full of time depending how it goes.

 

It truly depends on you as an individual whether you want to go the blunt okay its over with route or the gradual. Bring up a prior conversation is a gradual route which also gives time for anxiety build up, that is very, not good. Because you're already thinking the worst. Whereas a blunt, "I'm gay" annoucement to him, while it may take you both by surprise your anxiety will come after the fact and may actually be more able to talk to him because you won't of had the hours of planning and potential tongue ties as one would with sudden okay there it is on a plate for you, accept or reject it, comment.

 

I really do hope everything goes extremely well, even better if he finds it in himself to say, "Me too." That would be wonderful. Best of wishes, and remember keep yourself safe, you can never really judge a person fully in any scenario until it happens.

 

Edited: Spelling, almost always spelling...

[annie24]

Personally, I think spending the night is too much too fast. I know it's 15 miles both ways, but I would do the driving to pick him up and drop him off. Best to make a good impression.

 

good luck - I hope things go well.

[FoxLocke]

I never thought of that @ Annie...

 

I was just really and sincerely trying to spare gas...Could I be giving a bad impression? I don't want to have him over my house and have him thinking I'm just trying to hook up. I'm not that kind of person...

 

Now I may have to rethink this. I want to get to know him better, but I don't want to sleep with him at this point.

 

I don't want to send out the wrong signals either.

 

I'm going to tell him before this weekend is here. Even though I keep replaying all these horrible what if scenarios in my mind I should give a friend the benefit of the doubt(and I should do the samething for my own mother)...

 

I just have real trust issues. I've been let down by people in the past and I do have a hard time trusting. I've always been guarded. Maybe this is a step to healing that...I don't know.

[leprechaun_shoes]

foxlocke,

sometimes it's us that has to get "naked" first...you can do it!

i know ur situation can be scary but more often than not it creates an opening, a little bridge for the other person to cross and listen, and to respond with repect at the very least. maybe a good way to bring it up is after the movie, whenever u guys are having coffee or are sitting in the car (actually cars have worked great for me b/c it's much more intimate and a bit dim so it's easier to look at the person without feeling as self conscious). it might not necessary to bring up homosexuality directly as a topic, i personally think that is too "kaboom" but u might just wanna say that u'd been thinking abt something he'd brought up earlier and that u wanted to tell him something...that way u're preparing him to listen without actually having said it yet. and u can just start with a story or somthing, or how u first felt when u realized it urself or how confusing it might have been for u but u've realized that it makes u feel right, more human, more alive, etc. i believe that because he comes from a strong christian background it's crucial that u talk abt the process u had to go through to come as far as u are now and that u were open to God even though there is constant condemnation from people who claim to love God. I've had the opportunity to open up to very understanding christians that have not looked down upon me or condemned me in any way, shape or form or "held up a crucifix" (and believe me my church is pretty conservative) so there are big chances that he'll be understanding. i think people who have been perfected in love are not scared by these situations, they are not shocked or disappointed, they just love you. from what i gather, u've called urself a spiritual person too. i think it'd be awesome if u could pray before u talk to him, not only for courage and peace of mind for you but for ur friend, that God may open his heart and grant him a heart of understanding. in my experience we should never underestimate somebody's potential for understanding. i don't think it really matters whether ur friend decides to confide in u regarding his sexuality, he might, he might not, but it is important that u remain genuine with him, no more masquerades. i myself am working on telling one of my close christian friends whom i know finds homosexuality sad but i think she's ready now, it just feels right and like she will be able to handle it and i can accept and respect her initial discomfort but i know she'll eventually feel ok. i'm excited for u foxlocke and i do wish u the best that day!

[Prufrock06]

Hey FoxLocke,

 

I think for a first time, it might just be better to cave in and drive the miles to pick him up. Though I and the other regulars on this board know you're not that type of person just looking for a hookup, perhaps your friend might not think so. It might also save you some trauma from feeling like you're sending out the wrong signals to him.

 

Is there a way you could drive to see him early on the weekend morning and spend the entire day doing things around his area, or is there not much to do where he lives? I'm just thinking, that way it would save you having to make two extra trips driving him back from your place and then back from his place to your place.

 

I mean, I don't really see the dilemma with him staying the night at your place, especially considering that you've already established that you have multiple guest rooms. But it would be important not to send him mixed signals, or give him an opportunity to misinterpret what you're putting accross as just genuine generosity. If this is the first time you two have really been together for an extended period outside of the college atmosphere, then I guess my advice would be to keep it as general and uninterpretable as possible.

 

In answer to your question about how to approach telling him about your sexuality, if you guys end up having lunch somewhere or going to get coffee (not sure what you two like to do or if you even have anything planned at this stage), then some quiet, contemplative lull in the conversation would be a great place to bring it up. Maybe you could start off by saying something like, "Look, I really enjoy hanging out with you and I'd like to think we could be really good friends, but I do need to be completely honest with you about something and I didn't want to get too far into our friendship without me being totally honest with you because I respect you as a friend..." or something like that.

 

Good luck!

[FoxLocke]

Leperchaun shoes, you are a sweetie. I've read all your posts and they've been a tremendous help to me. Thank you for taking the time to read about my trials and trivails...

 

Ironically, I was thinking about the samething you mentioned. I was going to tell him after we got back in my car, after a movie. Perhaps that is the best way to approach the situation.

It's weird...I don't have a problem telling people that I hardly know that I'm gay. But the people who are closest to me like: My mom, family, and this guy are proving to be most difficult.

 

The guy I like is the first real "FRIEND" that I've ever had. He's always there for me when I need assistance or there when I need someone to talk to. I've had aquaintances my entire life but never real "FRIENDS." Even if we don't become boyfriends I still want to hang around him because we have so much in common.

 

I've known him for around two months and I've allowed myself to be more open and real with him than many people I've known for years. I feel comfortable and secure with him, like I can just be myself. That is a refreshing feeling...

 

Anyway, thanks Leperchaun...I am going to take your advice. The coming out process isn't easy, but everyone goes through it.

[Jinx]

Is there a way you could drive to see him early on the weekend morning and spend the entire day doing things around his area, or is there not much to do where he lives? I'm just thinking, that way it would save you having to make two extra trips driving him back from your place and then back from his place to your place.

 

I agree with what Prufrock has said here. Especially that tidbit.

 

I didn't quite consider the fact that he may possibly misinterpret it in that fashion when I wrote my own post earlier, guess my brain is still wired for certain black and white ideas without shades of gray. Anyhow it is very true that since you offered to stay the night and come out on the same day, it may do some undesired addition within the gray matter that has a red result so to speak.

 

Mighten be one of those moments when I say disregard mine and ditto to Prufrock.

 

I presume part of my assumptions as he too noted is the fact that we all know your thinking on the issue because of posts and thus come to know that it would all be in honest innocent knowledge without any hidden agenda, but he may not have a clue of any of that.

[FoxLocke]

Yeah, I think I don't want him to stay at my house this weekend afterall. I don't want to come off like that.

 

He lives in a really boring part of town(the only thing that part of town has to offer is the campus...and during spring break it will be vacant, except him), and I live where there are alot of malls, movie theatres, skatin rinks, and all that jazz...So I guess I'll just ante up and give him a lift if he is willing to chip in for gas...haha.

 

I don't want to come accross as some horny guy just trying to seduce someone or something...Plus, I'm not really ready for him to meet my mom...now that I think about it. He's a little effiminate and my mom is not a dummy. She'll figure it out right quick.

 

I'm going to tell him tomorrow that I'll just give him a lift. Now I just have to either see him on campus or wait for him to call me. His cell phone has no minutes and I can't get in touch with him.

[FoxLocke]

Thanks you guys! I would be a total failure at this gay thing were it not for you all...lol.

[jon 13]

hey foxlocke. i recently came out to my sister and she took it very well. heh ya it going to be very hard coming out to ur mom but trust me. the ones you love will accept it. heh just giving a bit of advice. hope it helps

[Tigris]

I think it would be wise to keep him away from your Mother until you have told her. If you don't and it comes out she's going to be very hurt that you couldn't confide in her.

 

I hope you have a good time.

 

Good luck and take care.

[leprechaun_shoes]

"I remember when people would come to me talking about how you seemed so funny and different...But I didn't care what they thought. You were my baby."

 

ur mom is awesome foxlocke! this was a very uplifting post, it definitely made me smile. like most people have said it does seem like ur mom sorta knows what's going on...that's super cool, now u just gotta tell her urself whenever u feel ready but there's no need to rush. i agree that it's hardest to tell those u care for the most but i bet ur mom is just waiting to hear it from u personally and reassure u that her love for u is unconditional.

 

abt ur friend spending the nite, all i can say is i truly admire ur decision to clear up things with him before he decides to come. it speaks highly of how much u love and respect him. and also prevents possible hurts or misunderstandings between him, you, and ur mom. u are doing great fox, i'm rooting for you!

[FoxLocke]

Well, I've decided I am going to tell him. I told him over the phone that I had something to tell him before he came over to my house or something...He still wants to crash at my place...

 

Also, on the phone the other night he started telling me this story about how he got really "emotionally attached" to this one guy who used to be his roommate. He said that he really cared about him and loved him(he continually added "like a brother"), and when the guy broke it off with him he started losing weight and went into a depression...

 

So, was he trying to tell me something right then?

 

Furthermore, I noticed that he sorta comments on other guy's appearances too...He does it a bit freely around me now.

 

Okay, yeah I think he's gay. Maybe he is just waiting for me to tell him. And I'm going to tell him only because I trust him enough...But I definitely don't want to sleep with him or anything until I know him better.

[Jinx]

Well, I've decided I am going to tell him. I told him over the phone that I had something to tell him before he came over to my house or something...He still wants to crash at my place...

 

Also, on the phone the other night he started telling me this story about how he got really "emotionally attached" to this one guy who used to be his roommate. He said that he really cared about him and loved him(he continually added "like a brother"), and when the guy broke it off with him he started losing weight and went into a depression...

 

On the first quote, kudos to your decision. That lays the groundwork of proceeding onward with coming out to him. Best of luck.

 

As for the things he said about male looks and being attached, that does seem interesting. "Like a brother", "Like a sister", "Like a friend" I find seem to be defense comments to assure that if you're not on the same level that you don't misinterpret meanings.

 

A good female friend of mine one day before we went our different ways to College, started this huge speal about how important I was in her life and so on and so forth, seriously, I was afraid she would break down at the end and scream I love you or something, it was a tad emotional, but nonetheless, she kept up doing something like you said this friend was.

 

She is one of the few that doesn't know I'm a lesbian (we keep in touch but have been apart for awhile and she doesn't know anyone I'm out to - She knew me in person in the peak of my denial) and so I think that was covering up to avoid embarrassment or painful rejection when things become that heartfelt even if it is only friendly, people are so bent on borderline analyzing you almost worry sometimes.

 

If you're sure he is gay like I think we all think he is gay (Stevie Wonder included Seriously, just loved that in the prior post...) he may not be sure that you are and just waiting and giving you permission in subtle hints that he wants you to break something anything to him in order to kill the "Is or Isn't" limbo. I could very well be wrong, but that is what it seems like to me, he is just waiting for you to say something anything which pertains to the whole ordeal going on.

[omgroman]

But I definitely don't want to sleep with him or anything until I know him better.

Someone's thinking about getting laid =o, joking...

I know this is kinda off topic,but can i ask you a question? Have you ever slept with another man before?

[jon 13]

i think its in another thread but foxlocke said that he was a virgin

[FoxLocke]

Continuation!

 

Okay, I came out to him today. It went very well. I mean EXTREMELY well. I was afraid at first but he really accepted me. I think he was more happy than I was for me to admit to being gay...

 

I told him that I spent my entire life trying to change being gay, but I just finally decided to accept it...

 

Then he started talking about how he struggles with his sexuality all the time, but he has to pray about it and all that other stuff...He told me about how he was very attached to this guy he used to room with. He and the guy had a sexual relationship, but he kind of dilly dallied around it...But I put two and two together.

 

Then he starts asking me all of these intimate questions about sex and what guys do I think are cute...

 

He also asked me if I thought he was cute. I said, jokingly, "Yeah, I thought you were okay..."

 

Then we sorta laughed. Then he says, "Seriously, what did you think about me?"

 

"I thought you were cute, I won't lie about it." said me.

 

Then he just looked at me for a few seconds and said, "You are a handsome guy. I know alot of girls that think you are cute..."

 

I just shrugged it off and smiled. Then he started talking hypothetically about the two of us being in a relationship. He asked me would I be the more dominant of the two of us...He said that I am the first gay man he's ever met that acts like a regular guy.

And then he asked me if we were in a sexual relationship what would I do to him...lol. Then I said, "Well, you would have to be my boyfriend to find that out."

 

So, I can tell that we are really compatible, but he is really in denial about his sexuality. Well, he isn't in denial...He knows he's gay but he's thinking it will eventually change.

 

Plus, he asked me have I ever watched a gay porno? I said yeah and he sorta smiled and joked about it...

 

But could I deal with someone who is still in the closet? Well, there will be no intimacy...Since I live with my mom, for the time being, I'm not even going to try that...haha. But I'm not just looking to have somekind of fling. I would like it to progress slowly and naturally.

[annie24]

wow... sounds like things are going well!

 

well.... have a good (safe!) weekend!

[FoxLocke]

I'm definitely not trying to go all the way with him though. That is WAY too soon. We'll be hanging out nothing more than that!

 

I think I'll be his friend because I don't want to deal with someone who is too insecure now. So I'll just keep him as a friend...We got on fine that way. I mean if he ever decides to admit he's like that then that could work...Otherwise it has to be plutonic. I don't want a secret relationship or anything.

[annie24]

I dunno.... he's asking if you have gay porn at your place.... it sounds like he has a fun evening planned.... I think he may be thinking "more than friends" at this point....

[Jinx]

"Well, you would have to be my boyfriend to find that out."

 

I dunno.... he's asking if you have gay porn at your place.... it sounds like he has a fun evening planned.... I think he may be thinking "more than friends" at this point....

 

In reading his response and questioning about intimate matters, I think Annie had an idea there, which may not be good for you.

 

That first quote I believe might be an idea which he may try testing, and will need to firmly express you're not in for a "Friends with benefits" matter like he and the roommate were with the sexual matters (just assuming by the wording).

 

Now that you've came out as you already know and just assume I'm restating here, will need to make it clear and cut that you're not interested in a relationship at the moment - romantic, far less sexual.

 

It may of been an innocent question (As much as porn can be then again...), then again it may have a hidden agenda behind it that needs to be nipped in the bud.

[FoxLocke]

Yeah, I'm going to agree...Because I don't even have any porn stashed. I was just joking about it.

But he hasn't out and said anything about having sex...But now that I think about it he may try and make out with me. And I'm really not interested in being his sexual experimentation just so he can gratify himself.

I even told him that I would not date a guy who was not open about his sexuality...I don't want that kind of thing in my life.

 

I mean he keeps saying that he isn't gay, but he obviously is. But I'm not going any further with him, in that respect, until he comes to grips with himself.

Which is why we'll definitely be sleeping in separate bedrooms. Plus, I'm ultra precatious so any potential partner I have would have to be tested for all the diseases...and we would use protection too.

 

But how would I say, "I'm not going to have sex with you..." without offending him? He's sensitive about his sexuality because he's still coming to grips with it. So how can I let him know without just brazenly saying no?

[Prufrock06]

First off, congratulations on being able to come out to your new friend! I think that's so great and brave of you and I'm glad that it went better than you expected!

 

Now onto your question about the weekend: The best way in which to say "I'm not going to have sex with you..." without saying it outright or in any kind of rude manner would be that, if it seems that weekend that sex is on his agenda and if you're not comfortable with having sex with someone still in the closet, perhaps you can just gently tell him that you're not interested in pursuing anything serious at the moment, and that you take sex and intimacy pretty seriously and don't just randomly hook up or casually have sex (which I assume is your policy from the posts I've read?). I mean, technically, you'd be right in saying that because you don't want to pursue anything serious with someone who is still conflicted about their sexuality, right? So it's not like you would be lying, despite your attraction to him. If he takes it bad, then there's nothing you can really do about it, considering that you would have handled the issue in a gentle, polite manner -- at the same time, you might want to suggest that you're always open to listening to him if he has problems about his sexuality or being a shoulder for him to lean on when things get too conflicting and he needs a friend to talk and confide in, etc. etc. That way you're not just giving him the "I don't wanna sleep with you" cold shoulder but are couching your desire not to be intimate with someone still closeted in a way that shows you're still willing to be good friends.