How much DO looks have to do with it?

[sweetheart230]

I'm not talking about good hygiene and all that stuff (that's kind of a given), but how much do looks have to do with it, honestly?

 

I've heard a lot that its personality that counts. But all things being equal, do you think that looks really do matter? Like obviously you wont' go far if you have no personality and if you don't flirt, but if you do have a good personality and flirt, won't guys usually go for the prettier one if she also flirts and has a nice personality?

 

Maybe its just cause I'm in college, but looks seem to play a huge role in dating. I'm not exactly speaking from experience, because I personally go from thinking I'm gorgeous to thinking I'm hopelessly ugly several times a day (so who knows), but I'm just wondering, in general, let's be completely honest here... looks are important. Guys all want someone beautiful on their arm.

 

In the end, it seems like we only fall in love with those we get to know and we only get to know those we're attracted to. Yah, everyone's preference is difference, but in general, how much do looks matter?

[shiminimo]

it all depend on the guy, his age, and what he wants.

[melrich]

I think looks do have a lot to do with it, you'd have to be an ostrich to seriously suggest otherwise.

 

But I'd also say that so many people have so manuy varied tastes that there really is no one universal "look". Your looks will appeal to some people and not to others so ultimately there is some balance provided and long term, personality and compatability are far more important.

[mattj]

hmm- in my opinion looks are irrelevant- but- someone is of course more likeley to judge someone they don't know at all on looks

 

and also i guess it might be discouraging togo out with someone who dosen't look great due to what other people might think (stupid of course, but hey it happens)

 

so my answer is it shouldn't affect peoples judgement but it probably does

[friscodj]

Looks are part of attraction, and attraction is what brings people together romantically and create the desire to become intimate. But looks are subjective and opinions on someone's looks differs between people.

 

Now do looks make a relationship work? That's a different story...

[NJRon]

FriscoDJ Keeps stealing what I was going to say...

[altosinger314]

I think that while looks may make a big first impression, the personality is what keeps a person coming back for more.

[orgasmictofu]

 

Now do looks make a relationship work? That's a different story...

 

Looks wouldn't necessarily make a relationship work, there does need to be common ground, but I do think that physical attraction is important in a lasting relationship.

 

I've been in relationships where I fell in like with personalities, but had ZERO physical attraction to them. This was a huge problem for me. Everyone is different. I don't have to be with the Mr Universe, but I need to be attracted to him. And attraction is different for everyone. What's sexy for me might not be sexy for you.

 

Personality is absolutely important. I could never stay with a guy I was physically attracted to if he was a jerk.

[friscodj]

Looks wouldn't necessarily make a relationship work, there does need to be common ground, but I do think that physical attraction is important in a lasting relationship.

 

And looks can be poison too. I've dated some really beautiful women who were emotional distasters and the relationship sucked...and the looks...well...blinded my better judgment of the situation...

[Scout]

When you're younger and more insecure, looks are more important. As you get older, it matters a great deal less.

[sweetheart230]

Well personally for me, looks don't matter much at all. As long as there is some attraction (and there have been really hot guys who i've not been attracted to and avg guys i've been very attracted to), I look to personality and how I feel around someone to tell me the rest.

 

Some days I think I'm gorgeous. Other days I think I'm too ugly to get a date. I get alot of male attention so I guess its safe to say I'm good looking, but for some reason I have this really big fear that I'm never pretty enough. For a whiel I thought it didn't matter. guess i was wrong.

[Scotcha]

Looks have something to do with it but not everything. My boyfriend isn't model hot but I am still very attracted to him. I can't put my finger on it really. I've dated people I wasn't attracted to physically attracted to, it was their personality that hooked me and I did end up finding them attractive once I developed some deeper feelings but never as attractive as someone I was initially attracted to. Also, there are many facial expressions that I find to be appealing and they can tip the scale for me. All in all, I like looks but they aren't a deal breaker for me. On the flip side they also aren't a deal maker.

[OceanEyes]

Looks are not important -- attraction IS. Seeing something you like, and craving it is what I consider 'attraction'. I can look at a hot guy and have absolutely no interest of ever even speaking to him. It's once he opens his mouth and speaks, his body language, and his attitude that will actually attract me. Looks alone don't do it.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I think looks are a huge chunk of it initially. As you get to know a person, their personality makes them attractive to you if they weren't at the get go, so the looks become irrelevant. Problem is, breaking that first step can be a major obstacle. Some people don't give you a chance when they're not attracted to you to begin with, at least by my experience. Sad, but true.

[RayKay]

Looks are not important -- attraction IS. Seeing something you like, and craving it is what I consider 'attraction'. I can look at a hot guy and have absolutely no interest of ever even speaking to him. It's once he opens his mouth and speaks, his body language, and his attitude that will actually attract me. Looks alone don't do it.

 

I absolutely agree with what Ocean said.

 

Attraction is very individual and subjective and based on a plethora of factors and qualities. I have been attracted to men of all different types, shapes, sizes and looks. And for me it does take more the looks to be attracted. I can think "know" is good looking without being attracted to them.

 

I have dated short men, whom were balding, but were gorgeous to me as they had a good nature, massive sense of humour, a killer smile and an infectious attitude. I have dated men whom could be on the cover of Men's Health, but it was their witty humour & intelligence that got me going. I have also dated men whom could also be on that cover but whom I quickly found I was not attracted to as their personality was toxic.

 

Do looks matter? Somewhat, but probably not in the way or degree you may imagine they do is what I am saying I suppose.

[sweetheart230]

Do guys feel the same way about women though?

 

I guess I hear a lot of people saying that someone who looks good but has no personality will repel people. It almost sounds like people only want someone who looks great AND has a good personality. I was more or less asking, what about people who don't look good?

 

I'd like to think that it doesn't really matter all that much and that I can stop caring and checking myself in the mirror all the time. Guys hit on me in class and when i go out a lot, but my friend said that its only cause I'm asian and young and they want to get laid. She may be wrong, she may be right.

 

I guess I'm worried that I have to be beautiful and have a great personality to attract people. I don't know if I'm beautiful. like I said, I think I am but I don't know. But I do have a good personality and a good heart... I'm just wondering that if I am wrong about being pretty, maybe my personality isn't enough.

[RayKay]

Isn't this your friend whom has proved herself to be a horrible selfish "friend" anyway? Why are you still listening to her?

 

Several men have commented on this thread so yes, men can feel the "same".

 

I think what might turn people off is simply that you have before said you close yourself off to people, as well as your lack of confidence and continuing obsession with "whether you are good enough". Work on those, and the right guy will definitely find you.

 

Not EVERYONE will be attracted to you, but EVERYONE is not what you are looking for, right? Again, what someone is attracted is different from person to person....what looks good to one person is maybe average to someone else, what's average to one is gorgeous to another.

 

You can't change how YOU look, so why do you worry so much? Take good care of yourself, smile, work on your confidence and believe that you are worth it.

[sweetheart230]

I know I can't change how I look, but I wish I knew if I saw myself as others did or if I am just delusional.

 

I guess my major issue is that most people will not be attracted to me and I'll get passed over for girls who are like 10's and have a good personality also. But I guess the fact that I worry about it so much probably makes me a lot less likable. Guys approach me all the time but lose interest, so I'm guess you're right... it's probably because they sense my insecurity, not because they suddenly decide i'm ugly.

 

Thanks, RayKay for the response. You are always amazingly helpful to me so thank you very much.

[KristyK]

I don't think it is always looks that are the initial attraction. A lot of the time getting to know someone can make them become more attractive, even if there was no initial attraction...so it would be more based on personality.

 

The guy the I am interested in right now is definitely not someone I would give a second glance to if I passed him in the street...really not the kind of guy I normally go for at all!!!! I had seen him around town for a few months and never thought twice about him, but then after talking with him a few times, one day I am totally in love with him (and he has no idea!). He holds a great conversation, he's very funny, very friendly and very interesting...it was after all this I THEN noticed how his eyes are the most amazing brown and how he has the cutest, shy, quirky kind of smile...

 

So...yes looks can play a part....but getting to know someone you might not normally "go for" can change how you see them

[NJRon]

From my perspective, I have dated women in the whole gamut of the looks department and I have come to the conclusion that 'attraction' has very little to do with contemporary views of 'beauty'. Attraction is an entirely different beast.

 

OceanEyes had it right in comparing Attraction to Craving. That's exactly what it's like for me, and has little to do with how beautiful other people think they are or, even, how beautiful *I* would think they were if I just saw them in a magazine. I don't speak french well.. but I believe the syaing is that the person has a certain Je nais se quois...

[sweetheart230]

I guess I've just never felt pretty and it makes me feel like I'll never find anyone special. People have told me I'm beautiful. On the rare occasion I did something social (gallery openings) 3 men told me I was beautiful and gave me their number. Some guy at work told me I looked like some "very beautiful chinese actress". But guys say a lot of things.

 

I feel like a guy would just be settling for me. I can't picture a guy thinking to himself "she's beautiful". But that's my problem and I'm gonna have to learn to deal with it if I'm ever going to be happy.

 

I suppose a girl who does have that je ne sais quoi has an advantage. But for some reason I don't think anything else about me matters unless I'm beautiful. Like, I could be the best person in the world and it wouldn't make a difference unless I was pretty enough. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. I'm sorry.

 

You guys are all right. I'm just stupid and stubborn and have self esteem issues for reasons I can't even figure out. Thanks for your responses. I'm beginning to see how right you all are, now I just have to believe it.

[RayKay]

Guys say a lot of things, but they don't tend to tell women they are beautiful unless they mean it.

 

This is really an inner confidence issue....when you feel like you are not worth anything if your looks are not up to some strange standard that only you seem to know at this point, then I would say it is truly an internal issue you are dealing with.

 

Trust me, EVERYTHING as a package matters, looks are not worth much without substance to back them up.

 

I would say I am attractive, I am in good shape, I have what I have been told by a few is a "naturally beautiful" look where I don't pile on makeup and so forth - but to me I am just "me". I am petite, in good shape/athletic, but I have my small self esteem issues too, I don't see beautiful when I look at myself - I see ME, whom I have always been. Complete with red hair and freckles that people used to tease me about, the weird bump on my nose. It's just ME and while some days I do feel more confident and beautiful, I have bad days too. I battled eating disorders and other self esteem issues in my past. But you know, I also know I am a good person, and that looking like a model is not all there is in life, and that is not how I will make my mark in the world......nor is that how I want to!

 

I don't spend hours wondering if I am "beautiful enough" because there is so much more to me then that, there is so much more to life then that...!!! I don't care if not everyone is attracted to me, the ones whom "deserve" me and see "me" are the only ones that matter. And someone whom only cares about a certain look is definitely NOT for me.

 

My boyfriend will tell me I am absolutely beautiful, sexy, gorgeous....because he sees me for all of me, because he is attracted to me. There are others whom are more attractive in looks, definitely, but it is me as a whole he was and is attracted to me. And you know what, I believe he is right - I AM wonderful, I am beautiful and I am so worth it! My look is unique, but it's all MINE and makes me, me...and that is beautiful!

 

If everyone only went for a certain standard of looks, I imagine a lot of people would be pretty miserable leading pretty shallow lives, or empty lives.

 

I would actually recommend therapy, it sounds like you have some deep rooted issues you need to figure out.

[sweetheart230]

Thanks, again, RayKay. You really are such a wonderful person who's helped me a lot in the past few months. No wonder your boyfriend thinks you are so great!

 

I have started therapy through school. It is helping a little so far, and he think we're starting to make some progress with it. I'm trying so hard to work out my problems... i have some good days and some bad days (very bad). Things are getting better a little bit at a time.

[Kevin T]

That's awesome that you're in therapy; I'm sure it'll help you sort out some stuff you're going through. There's no shame in it either; heck, I'm currently seeing a therapist every once and a while for some stuff I'm dealing with too.

 

Anyway, I definitely think it's safe to say that looks are very important initially. It plays a huge role in attraction when you first meet someone (probably a much larger role than we would like), but it's not everything. Maybe when you first meet someone, it may be a huge deal, but after you get to know something on a personal level, looks gradually become less and less of an important factor.

 

Looks are not what keeps couples together. Similar interests, beliefs, values, morals, goals, hopes and dreams are a lot more important to have in common with someone you are dating. And a great looking guy (or girl) without a kind heart, intelligence and compassion is not as desirable a mate as he/she may initially appear to be. As much attention to people pay to one's initial appearance, it is far less important than having a virtuous and noble heart.

 

One last thing, you said that "I did something social (gallery openings) 3 men told me I was beautiful and gave me their number. Some guy at work told me I looked like some 'very beautiful chinese actress'." That is a VERY good sign! If all those guys think you're beautiful, then who are you to question that? (I hope that didn't sound rude.) What I mean is, those guys obviously felt you were attractive, so why not just accept it? Men do say a lot of things, but we don't blindly tell ugly girls they're good looking and give out numbers to girls we don't like and think are cute. There's too much risk of rejection involved.

 

So if others see you as beautiful, I hope you too will come to see yourself as the same.

 

Good luck.

[friscodj]

Guys say a lot of things, but they don't tend to tell women they are beautiful unless they mean it.

 

Or trying to get them in the sack...