i know alot of you have been there

[catgirl82]

so- i just found out my ex has a new girlfriend- i am surprisingly upset about it. weve been broken up for over a year. we still talk from time to time (weve actually made the friendship work) but i still feel punched in the stomach now that i know he has a new gf.

 

i dont know why i feel this way- i dont want him back and i cant see us ever getting back together, but i cant stop thinking about him and this new girl. i keep thinking about the early phase of our relationship (which was so magical and great) and thinking about how now he's going to experience that with someone else.

 

its just so WEIRD and so UPSETTING.

 

i know that there are tons of you who have been in this situation. whats the best way to deal with these new feelings? any tips? i hope tomorrow i wont feel as crappy as i do right now.

 

thanks guys

 

 

[AwdreeHpburn]

wow...good call zippy!

 

Catgirl, I can relate. I'm sorry you feel so crappy right now.

[shamus]

yep,it's a sore subject. i still love my ex, knowing she's moved on with her life and doesnt want me in it is a major blow.

i've tried to move on, and i guess i am. I've been going out, but everyone i meet, i keep saying "they're not her"

 

big hugs

 

what makes love so special is its power to both hurt and heal, but when it heals, it far outweighs the hurt.

 

to my ex, i love her, if she is happy, then i cant be selfish.

 

you've stayed friends with your ex, be happy that they have found someone, if you care for them, wish them the best.

 

i think your feelings stem from the fact that you have not found anyone yet, and now that he has, there is a bit more loneliness in you. wait for your turn, your time will come.

best of luck to you

[friscodj]

Oh yeah, I've been on both sides of this situation before.

 

I believe it is very hard to be true friends with an ex after a serious relationship together. I believe there is just too much history, too many memories, emotions developed which are attached to the other person, etc.

 

So what has happened with me is we either try to be friends and think we are friends, until a situation like the one you describe arises, after which, things get really weird and we end up either having a falling out or drifting apart. The other case has been where we call ourselves "friends", but we are really more "acquaintences", each of us having boundaries with certain topics like the one you describe as being off-limits.

 

I think the feelings you are experiencing are normal, and I bet he feels similarly towards you. How you deal with them is up to you and him, but I don't think your feelings of weirdness are just going to go away right away. Residual feelings like this, I've found, can take years to diminish.

 

I think you might have to put up some boundaries in your friendship or take some time off from talking to him and see if the feelings go away. Either that, or just get a new boyfriend of your own if you don't already have one...

[GottaLetItBurn]

Well for me, this girl blew me of for her ex. I have seen pictures of them together, and my friends just told me he is a loser. Also, I realize that she is kinda of a loser now too. I'm over it.

 

I'm just saying, that under the sercumstances I went through, and plus she had the nerve to act like she did nothing and contacting me. I have gotten over it.

 

I don't miss her, and when she says she misses me, I have no feelings back and ignore it.

 

Believe me, you will get over this. Just try to do a lot of thinking about it, and realize that that is a normal feeling. Ofcourse it's a big blow, this happens to people who have been divorced. You hate the thought of them being with someone else but you.

 

Give it time, give yourself so much time to heal. When you think your over, still give yourself more time to heal.

[mtastic]

Catgirl,

 

I know how you feel. At least you have had some time to put some distance between you and the reationship, even if you still remained friends. I was more or less dumped by my ex for someone she had perviously known and started dating about a month after we broke up (and is still with nearly two years later). I know how it can feel, knowing they're happy with some. i didn't like how they could be so happy, and she could seemingly forget me so quickly, while it took me so long to get over her.

 

For me, it really took too things to get over this. The big one was time, i think given enough time we gradually get over these things as our lives change. The other thing that really helped me was, strangly enough, seeing them together. A few months ago I happened to run into them on the street as I was walking home from school one night. It was pretty unexpected (it was in my neighborhood, which is not the same part of city where they live), and we didn't say anything to one another (she and I haven't talked since a few weeks after the breakup), but just seeing them actually helped. Honestly, they looked good together, they looked like a happy couple, and she looked even better than when we were together. So it made me realize, maybe she's better without me, and since she new this guy before (I'm pretty sure she knew him long before we dated), maybe being with me made her realize something about him and what she needed to be happy, so in a way I kind of helped her out. Of course, maybe I'm just trying to rationalize her dumping me, but at least it feels like some kind of closure for the whole situation.

 

Ok, I guess I got to rambling a little, but the point is: there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Hope that helped,

mtastic

[RayKay]

Hey catgirl...honestly it is going to just take time. I remember the feelings I had when one of my ex's told me he was getting MARRIED, about 6 months after we had broken up. I was already pretty healed by then and moved on as it had been a fairly short relationship (just a few months) but it still felt WEIRD! Though it was not painful, just weird, and I got over it pretty quickly...I had already moved on by then anyway.

 

I was devastated when my last ex (whom I maintained a friendship with) admitted he was dating/sleeping with others a couple months after the breakup....but not much later after that as I continued my healing, I just realize how knowing all that showed me how much I did not deserve that from him and how we were not right for one another, and I am now in a new relationship with someone wonderful & amazing....and I am thankful for not being with that ex romantically anymore! And I honestly don't care what he is up to or whom with.

 

I had another friend who's bf broke it off after three years (2 of which they lived together) and moved in with another girl within months and was married within the year.

 

A year before your ex got a new gf is actually quite a long time and I would imagine he has probably moved on quite a lot in the last year.

 

I know it's painful, but you need to just keep plugging forward. In time you too will be involved with someone new and creating new memories and experiences.

[catgirl82]

everybody, thank you for your nice replies. im having trouble wrapping my head around this whole situation. i guess imagining him with another girl is making me just think about our relationship, which before yesterday, i NEVER did. he has become a friend to me and nothing more, he has even moved far away. but now thinking of him in a new relationship, i cant help but think about us- i guess i need to remember to focus on why we broke up and realize that he is entitled to a new relationship just like i am.

 

this all makes sense to me in my head, but my heart still hurts.

 

 

 

i guess im feeling a little better about it now but i still feel like i need to block the whole idea out of my head instead of think about it

[friscodj]

everybody, thank you for your nice replies. im having trouble wrapping my head around this whole situation. i guess imagining him with another girl is making me just think about our relationship, which before yesterday, i NEVER did. he has become a friend to me and nothing more, he has even moved far away. but now thinking of him in a new relationship, i cant help but think about us- i guess i need to remember to focus on why we broke up and realize that he is entitled to a new relationship just like i am.

 

this all makes sense to me in my head, but my heart still hurts.

 

 

 

i guess im feeling a little better about it now but i still feel like i need to block the whole idea out of my head instead of think about it

 

I think you should explore what you are feeling instead of blocking it, especially since you said you never did thought about this before. I think this situation is a good opportunity to reflect on the relationship, what happened with you guys, possibly face some grief, and really move on, because it sounds like you haven't completely done that yet...

[NJRon]

I think FriscoDJ is sharing some wisdom here...

[catgirl82]

friscodj (cool picture by the way), you are right. i know putting up a mental block is probably not the best idea, but for now, i know im going to overanalyze everything if i try thinking about it. i think im going to let it slowly sink in and eventually i'll get used to things.

 

i think you misunderstood what i said earlier about never thinking about our relationship after we broke up- i thought about it alot, and i am well aware of all of the reasons why we are better off as friends. what i meant to say was that i never thought about what it would be like when he started dating again.

 

i have dated since the breakup and told him about it- he took it surprisingly well. i wish i could've been the same way for him, but i guess im just extra sensitive...

 

by the way, just talking about it and letting out my feelings has been so helpful. thanks again for your thoughts and input

[dishrag]

I think my ex is with someone now but she won't tell me because she's afraid of hurting me. And, personally, I'd rather not know. I know it's going to cause a lot of pain for me when it does happen. I think this is probably the hardest part of a breakup because you still love the person so deeply but because of their affection for others, it comes off as betrayal.