I'm such a

[markm]

I still have a few things of hers here.

Do I throw them out?

Or do I text her that she still has stuff here?

I don't really want to screw up the NC.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Put her stuff in a box, put the box away someplace you'll never see it and forget about it.

 

If she wants her stuff back, have a friend drop it off for her.

 

Simple as that. Do NOT call her about it. If she really does want her stuff, she'll call about it. If not, then you calling about her stuff will only set you back.

 

Stay strong man! You're doing good!

[markm]

Put her stuff in a box, put the box away someplace you'll never see it and forget about it.

 

If she wants her stuff back, have a friend drop it off for her.

 

Simple as that. Do NOT call her about it. If she really does want her stuff, she'll call about it. If not, then you calling about her stuff will only set you back.

 

Stay strong man! You're doing good!

 

OK.

I was just going to text her about it, not call.

I doubt she knows I still have this stuff.

It is couple of clothes and some pieces of her tool set.

Doubt she knows it's missing.

[majord23]

OK.

I was just going to text her about it, not call.

I doubt she knows I still have this stuff.

It is couple of clothes and some pieces of her tool set.

Doubt she knows it's missing.

 

Don't text mark.

If your honest with yourself, I would guess that your motivation is either that you are looking for an excuse to contact her OR you feel like you're being a bad guy by ignoring her or by not returning her stuff.

 

Don't contact her.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

OK.

I was just going to text her about it, not call.

I doubt she knows I still have this stuff.

It is couple of clothes and some pieces of her tool set.

Doubt she knows it's missing.

 

If you doubt she knows it's missing then it really isn't that terribily important to get them back to her then, is it? It's a great "excuse" to break NC and to tell her though, isn't it?

 

Don't call/text/e-mail/carrier pigeon/anything about her stuff. If she does miss it and wants it back, she'll tell you. THEN you can get a friend to drop it off for you. OR if you don't want it around, get a friend to drop it off for you now. Whatever you do, don't break NC until you're at the point where you can talk to her and not care whether or not you'll get her back.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

OR you feel like you're being a bad guy by ignoring her or by not returning her stuff.

 

And if this is the reason, don't feel like a bad guy. Why would you? Because she's making it harder for you by not respecting your wishes and contacting you when you specifically asked her not to?

 

You've done nothing wrong. You need to be "selfish" right now and think about you're own well being. She's not your problem anymore, that was HER choice, remember?

[markm]

Well, I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but...

I would like to get her back.

That is of course why we post here.

[majord23]

Well, I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but...

I would like to get her back.

That is of course why we post here.

 

I've got no problem with that mark.

 

Now ask yourself, what kind of guy do you think she wants to be with?

 

Someone who respects themselves enough to stand up for what's best for them OR someone who lets another walk all over them.

 

You'll have FAR more chance of getting her back if you grow some b*lls man.

 

I've played the nice guy - I AM a nice guy. I once stayed 'friends' (literally) with an ex while she went out with someone else....knowing that the guy wasn't good for her and that they would end. Guess what? They broke up....and she started going out with someone else.

 

The only time she EVER made an effort to reconcile was when I told her that enough was enough and I was moving on.

 

Because not ONCE did I make her face the prospect of losing me before that.

 

Look what happens when you 'disappear' bro - she starts contacting you more. Are you missing this part?

She steps forward when you back off.....yet you don't *keep* backing off and you end up back where you started.

 

You are her safety-net mark....she is keeping you in her life because her future is uncertain. Once her future becomes more certain, she won't need you - and you wil be scratching your head thinking "What happened here?...I was so nice to her".

 

Make a stand while you still can. You still have some power in this situation - but you won't have it forever.

[BONO]

Agree.

 

Let her come to you at this phase. No good will come of you going to her. She will appear at some point and contact you directly or indirectly Thats when you are in the driving seat/have control and not submissive/ unattractive.

 

 

Stay calm and have faith in this.

 

I dont think we want a post on the lines of

 

"HELP - I screwed up !! Now she hates me, advice needed I miss her sooo much "

 

We will see though !

 

 

Scruff

 

 

Keep posting

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Majord23 makes some pretty good points. I really like his post here.

 

The thing about NC though is Mark you DON NOT do it to get someone back. You do it to heal. If you're doing this to get her back, you're only going to disappoint yourself. Especially if you cave doing NC. NC does have the benifit of making the other person realize what exactly what they lost, I'll admit, but unless she comes back to you specifically asking to try again, it's best to never contact her again and move on with your life.

 

If you break NC for ANY other reason than that.... You're nothing but her self-esteem toy. Being a nice guy is great, but sometimes you have to think of yourself, especially when the other party has no problems hurting you.

[markm]

OK Thanks you guys.

I'll stay NC.

What if she calls though? Should I let it go to voicemail and not return it, or answer the phone and have small talk?

I know she extended her nursing/work assignment here in Arizona for another 3 months.

She is from Wisconsin.

Apparently, she has to find another place to live soon becuase her roomates nursing assignment is over soon.

I wish I felt like she missed me, and wanted to move back with me.

She did text me a bit of course, so that is a sign of something I guess.

She seems to really like this other guy.

Not sure why though. She complains that he is a "bad seed" and he has baggage and a bad reputation.

But he has broken ir off with her 3 times in the past month, and is apparently done with her.

I have no negatives though, as far as I know.

I am attractive, very well built, I have money, own my own business, no kids, no ex's, I don't sleep around, don't do drugs, I'm an angel! LOL!

But, I am finding it difficult to meet new people.

In my business I never meet any women.

I never meet any girls at the gym, and I play hockey twice a week which obviously has no potential for meeting girls.

I joined an online dating club which has been a joke so far.

I suppose it will happen with time.

[markm]

You rock!

Thanks.

I know I'm a real PITA on this forum.

I am just stubborn.

I do wish things would work with her.

But the thing is, I don't really feel that bad. So that's cool.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I wish I felt like she missed me, and wanted to move back with me.

She did text me a bit of course, so that is a sign of something I guess.

 

I'm sorry, all that means is that she's fishing for a self esteem fix because the "bad seed" and her are on the outs for now. Also, ever consider why she must like him so much? He's not swooning over her at every given moment, that's for sure.....

 

If she calls, don't pickup, let it go ot voicemail. That's what NC is, NO CONTACT. If she doesn't respect you enough to follow your wishes to get over her, why oh why would you even concider rewarding that behavior?

 

Honestly, I get the feeling that you have so maybe shoe tracks on your back that you actually miss not having her walk all over you. Be strong man, show her that you're a real man.

[BONO]

Good profile! If I were gay I would ask you out if it would make you feel better.

 

But tough luck pal , I'm not !!! Ha ha

 

Seriously, you know deep down inside that you have all the physical and material attributes of someone who if he plays his cards right could have the pick of the crop (inc your ex)

 

What I mean by playing his cards right, is NC for you for now. See what happens you will be amazed ( I was and I've got four feet )

 

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

Hey majord23

when does someone lose that "power in the situation" you are referring to?

[majord23]

Hey majord23

when does someone lose that "power in the situation" you are referring to?

 

Good question Jim, and there is no definitive answer.

 

I can give an example of how power may 'change hands' so to speak though.

 

Seeing as how we're in his thread, we'll use Mark as an example (hypothetically of course ).

 

Up until now, Mark's ex has been feeling in control of the situation (she has the power).

The reasons she feels like this is because:

1) Mark is in her life, despite the fact that she is with someone else.

2) When she contacts, he responds.

3) He is a nice guy, so is supportive when she contacts.

 

So, she has some power on a sub-conscious level. She 'knows' that as long as she keeps doing what she is doing, things will remain the same...that's how she *feels* at least, and why wouldn't she?

 

Now, none of that is a bad reflection on Mark - but you can imagine how comfortable his ex must feel with the situation.

 

BUT, let's now change a few things:

 

Let's say that Mark starts doing the following:

1) Removes himself from her life, or even backs off a little

2) Stops responding to her contact, or doesn't respond as often

3) Is less of a 'nice guy' and is more abrupt when communicating with her.

 

What happens to her feeling of comfort? It starts to diminish.

Despite the fact that SHE hasn't changed her behaviour, HE has changed his...and she starts to feel like she is losing control of the situation (and Mark). All of a sudden the 'power' she thought she had, is starting to diminish.

On a sub-conscious level, she knows that something has changed - maybe it's him, or maybe it's her. SO, she will take action - but being that the only thing that she now has control over is HER behaviour, NOT Mark's...she will start contacting more, asking him questions about what is wrong, thinking about him more (in terms of what could be going on in his life to bring about this change).

 

Before you know it, the 'power' that she thought she had in the situation is non-existent...and it has been transferred to Mark.

 

This type of thing happens all of the time in break-ups, and even more-so WITHIN relationships.

 

Ever heard of someone taking their partner for granted? They become comfortable in a relationship and figure that as long as they don't change their behaviour, then things will stay as they are.

It is only when the other person gets sick of being taken for granted and starts to pull away or ends the relationship that the first person starts to get worried and modifies their behaviour (usually it's too late).

 

Is this making sense?

[markm]

Good question Jim, and there is no definitive answer.

 

I can give an example of how power may 'change hands' so to speak though.

 

Seeing as how we're in his thread, we'll use Mark as an example (hypothetically of course ).

 

Up until now, Mark's ex has been feeling in control of the situation (she has the power).

The reasons she feels like this is because:

1) Mark is in her life, despite the fact that she is with someone else.

2) When she contacts, he responds.

3) He is a nice guy, so is supportive when she contacts.

 

Hey!

I haven't responded to her at all in just over 2 weeks, except for when she "poppped in" at my house with her family over a week ago.

(Great post btw!!!)

[BONO]

This is true and I have said this before. By doing a few subtle things the dumpee can become the dumper - so to speak.

 

Many of our exes want to remain friends after a break up to ease their guilt and perhaps have us for a back up (just in case) Yet the minute we change our behaviour and say NO TO FRIENDS, then show though a period of NC, their behaviour changes. This can be through direct or indirect contact.

 

The power has gone, the control is less and the security blanket pulled off them. To an extent we have dumped them from our lives and insecurity sets in sometimes followed by panic. The way they react to it may take the form of a rebound or increased contact etc etc

 

 

 

Scruff

[majord23]

Hey!

I haven't responded to her at all in just over 2 weeks, except for when she "poppped in" at my house with her family over a week ago.

(Great post btw!!!)

 

Hey mate,

I know - you're doing great! I was referring more to earlier times. The situation you have is changing now...because of the way you have altered your behaviour.

 

You're living proof how someone can start the power back Mark

[Royltnxile]

What were the circumstances of the "first breakup" anyway? I was looking through these posts trying to find it, but must have missed it.

 

Mark, this girl has issues. The advice you are getting from Scruff, Big Jim, and Majord is right on the money. It's all about her and ironically, the less you cater to her and swoon all over her, the more respect she might develop for you. Continue being her doormat and you can kiss her goodbye for good. (Which is what you should do anyway - she's flaky, manipulative, and self-absorbed, from what you have posted about her)

[markm]

Mark, this girl has issues. The advice you are getting from Scruff, Big Jim, and Majord is right on the money. It's all about her and ironically, the less you cater to her and swoon all over her, the more respect she might develop for you. Continue being her doormat and you can kiss her goodbye for good. (Which is what you should do anyway - she's flaky, manipulative, and self-absorbed, from what you have posted about her)

 

I haven't catered or swooned at all.

Of course the first week I tried getting her back.

But the last 2.5 weeks I have been on strict NC.

She has texted me several times, called once, and even dropped by.

But I haven't responded or returned any messages.

I will only respond if one of her messages implies getting back together.

And IF that were to happen (which I doubt), I would not be too quick to take her back.

[jl301]

Hey Mark,

 

Good to hear that you're being strong against her.

[markm]

So I'm doing pretty well.

It's been a month since the breakup and 2.5 weeks of NC.

I haven't been contacted from her since her text last Friday and email last Saturday.

Each day is getting better.

Although I still wish I would get contacted by her in some way.

But, it's cool.

The only thing is that her Birthday is in 2 days (Friday 3/24).

She's turning 29.

I heard she is having a cookout at her place with her friends and is going out afterwards.

I feel bad and left out that I won't be a part of it, sucks .

[solo34]

Hey M&M, this is just part of the NC phase...There's gonna be all kinds of thoughts of "Who's she with?" "What's she doing 2night?" etc; just all kinds of stuff.

 

Yo, I been on NC since Jan. 4th...trust me, as much as I love her and miss her, it's totally up 2 her. It's all on my ex...The balls in her hands, and the shot clock's running down.

 

U understand what I'm saying? Same thing will happen with U after a little time. But glad 2 see that U finally grew a pair. At least U ain't like a certain guy on here that just can't get it.

 

Take care, M&M...

 

-Solo34

[deejay74]

The only thing is that her Birthday is in 2 days (Friday 3/24).

She's turning 29.

I heard she is having a cookout at her place with her friends and is going out afterwards.

I feel bad and left out that I won't be a part of it, sucks .

 

 

be glad you're not going, i am assuming she didn't invite you. my ex didn't invite me to her birthday get together and at first i was hurt and disappointed but i think i would have made her birthday not fun and i know i probably wouldn't have had a good time.