Did I mess up...Need immediate advise b4 I speak to him....pleeeease

[esboogie143]

In regard to the guy that im seeing everything is nice so far but I think I messed up. I personally was feeling that I was doing things so quickly like cooking for him wanting to buy him things and just treating him like a b/f….honestly that is just me and I cant change who I am and wont. He's been very appreciative but I just to sent him an email stating how I don't want to overwhelm him with the type of woman I am so early . We've been seeing each other for a month. I told me that I know he's a bachelor and is just taking things slow and though he hasn't complain I feel a load off my chest b/c I expressed to him how I feel and I don't want to sway him away by my actions so on and so forth. Was doing this a bad move?? Now im hesitant to even speaking wit him. I feel I did nothing wrong. Since I treat him like a b/f and I totally devote and commit myself to him I asked him if he wanted otherwise lke for me not to do that and to see other people as well….i don't know…these days u just cant tell and I just couldn't tell lwith this one so I respectfully sent him the email….

 

I would like to hear from u guys whether I messed up by doing this with him not even showing any signs of negativity towards us….

[arwen]

Hey esboogie!

 

I think if you both have different needs in terms of commitment, it might be very difficult to build a relationship. You seem scared you are pushing things too hard now, but you WANT the relationship to be this way, right? We all walk in different paces, that is true. But if the two of you differ too much, I think this would be very heavy for you. Why do you think you were doing things too quickly?

 

I don't see why this would mess up anything, you just stated how you felt. But I do think you come accross insecure about the relationship. Which is probably simply the truth. You will need to talk about the status of the relationship.

 

What did you mean when you say 'I know he's a bachelor'?

 

Ilse

[kellbell]

Hey girl,

 

Just a few observations from your earlier posts...

 

"He has many friends online and honestly it bothers me a bit..."

 

You two have been dating a month...not very long...he has a life before you and he needs to have his own life with you as well...getting all worked up about things like this will cause problems quickly...what is it that bothers you? As always, keep the lines of communication open about this matter.

 

"so i guess its just one of those things where i just have to keep on being me and not changing anything"

 

I am confused about your statement here...I mean this is the right attitude on your behalf...being you and not changing for anyone but he is being himself and carrying on with his own life by maintaining contact with his friends on-line...this is whom HE is so he should not have to change his life for a relationship...again, I would talk to him about it and try to realize why this bothers you.

 

"Yup!!! I went into my ex's email and saw an email from nextel that he had previously opened and read and guess what i saw.....YES! His cell phone number that he never gave me the number cuz he changed it on me!!!"

 

See what happened with you ex? You are following the same exact pattern with your new fellow. If you do the same thing in every situation you are going to the get same results. I know that is not what you want this time.

 

I have been following your posts since the summer regarding your ex.Your behavior is a bit controlling and obessive. So maybe it might be to your advantage to step back and figure out why you feel this way and where your insecurities come from. It appears you are bringing so much old baggage into your relationships...setting them up for difficulty.

 

As far the email you just sent to your new guy...I don't think you messed up. You were communcating with him. But I would wait and let him respond to you. I know, this could be very difficult and any more attempts to contact him about it or what you have disccused as far as how you want to proceed with this relationship will push him away. Thus creating this push/pull cycle. Just try to relax and wait. Do other things for yourself. Maybe hang out with some gal friends to take your mind off things. I would not completely lose yourself in this new relationship. Take things one day at a time and enjoy getting to know him and establishing a friendship with him. Take care.

[esboogie143]

I just feel like I was acting a lil too much like a girlfriend...ya know...welll; to be honest i met him online and i see all the time comments that these girls post and i do get jealous but he tells me that he has so many friends on the site and that for me not to put so much attention into that....he has a jealous streak as well in regard to me being on the site but thats besides the point....bottom line is i do have a bit of insecurity with seeing him but I guess im only human and its natural to feel such way. In regard to "bachelor" i meant it just as that . Hes single and has been single for a while and has many friends but choose to date me and soley me....so u think i didnt mess up anything? It was a psycho move to send him such message? I dont know im such a pessimistic and I hate it sometimes

[esboogie143]

wow!! Kellbell....im reading ur reply and ur soooooooooooooooo right!! Though I feel as if im in denial for doing such meaning my past actions with the ex and the feelings and all taht...I hate this sooo much! You have no idea!!!! I willl not contact him and I will wait for a response and see what he says....welll i have to say i am eased a bit that i didnt mess up ...i hope.....

[kellbell]

It will be ok. Just try to relax and let him respond. You left the ball in his court. I don't think you have messed things up. Maybe treat yourself to a spa treatment or manicure or the like. You need to take care of you and pamper yourself. You deserve a break.

 

(((hugs)))

[esboogie143]

thank you...I will keep you posted

[chai714]

KellBell did a really good job on advising you. I agree with most everything she said. I might add that telling someone how you feel about them (especially early on) will likely extinguish the fire. Don't ever do this early on. Only after they have professed their liking of you can you indicate (indirectly is best) that you feel the same way. For example, Joe Blow says, "Es, I really like you" or something to that effect. You reply, "You're not bad yourself, Joe Blow." He'll get the idea, only you didn't have to tell him. What this does is 1) makes him feel good and assured you feel the same way but it's so subtle that you're giving him emotional fulfillment in doses rather than in bottles. This "dosage effect" as I call it, pays off ten-fold in the bigger picture. Good luck and make sure to practice tactics.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Chai714, it isnt good to tell the guy how you feel early on because it can scare the guy off if he doesnt feel the same way towards you. It can also scare the guy off if he DOES feel the same way for you, because guys like to be the one to express how the feel about you FIRST. I know that for a fact. I have seen how some of my friends express to their guys first that they liked them and then that killed the relationship. When I was with my ex, it didnt take him long to express that he liked me and wanted me for a gf (he did it after the third date). I liked him but after seeing how it went with my friends, I did not tell him how I felt about him until I heard from him that he liked me.

 

It is good to be subtle to a guy and drop subtle hints to the guy about how you feel about them. It is always good NOT to let your guy know how you feel until you know how they feel about you. Just way to protect oneself from being hurt.