Too much porn in healthy relationship?

[maplesyrup]

Okay a little background. My fiance and I have been together for 2 years now. Everything had been a little bumpy at first. But things evened out and we learned to talk to each other and gained patience.

Lately, though, it seems like hes been looking at porn more and more. We have a healthy sex life, usually every day, more on the weekends. But, he still says he needs it more, so he looks at porn. I have tried to talk to him about it, that it makes me feel unneeded, that I would like to be involved in it, and that he can ask me whenever he wants. I told him he could even wake me up from a dead sleep and I wouldn't mind, as long as he asked me first before resorting to porn. If I really don't feel up to it or its that time of the month, then there is no problem. I don't mind porn, I even like it, in moderation. I even bought him magazines and videos, they don't bother me, it's the internet porn that gets to me, and I don't know why. There is just something so personal about it.

Anyway, it is getting to the point where, if he has a day off work, when I get home from work, the porn on the computer goes from 30 min after I left to 30 min before I got home. Thats 6 hours! I've tried to tell him so many times, that it bothers me when it is so quickly after we've made love. Which was right before I left that morning. It makes me feel like I am not enough for him. I don't mind if its like 6 hours later or something, I am at work and he does it once, or I am asleep and don't want to woke up or sick or bleeding. I don't mind it really, I like to watch with him, which he says no to.

Anyway, I've wandered from my point, I am just trying to explain this so I don't come off like the so many women who hate it. I don't but something in me says once a day should be enough, maybe with once more looking at porn. But when its so frequently, and I am not even asked before he does it. He even locks me out of the room to do it, and I am on the other side wishing he'd make love to me, I don't even care if its a quickie for his sake. Another things is that what he looks at are things that I will never be. I don't mean just figure, I mean race, age, etc. And it is repetetively those things. I have already accepted his fetishes as my own and we've grown with that. I just need a little bit more involvement.

Please help me with this, I have posted on a couple of other sites, but no one ever responds. And I just don't know what to do!

Thank you in advance for your responses...I am at a total loss here. I knew that the urges were normal and natural, I just worry about the frequency now.

[novaseeker]

6 hours in a stretch sounds like an awful lot! Maybe a word to ask him to cut back and focus on other hobbies or interests with that time?

 

How is your sex life in general? Are you finding it tailing off at all, in terms of frequency or passion?

[Scout]

Frankly, I would be appalled if I found out my boyfriend looked at porn once a month, much less for six hours at a time each day!

 

Your fiance is addicted to porn, plain and simple. What's more, you can't cure that addiction, only he can.

 

If you think you hurt now over it, wait until you're married and he's still hooked.

 

In my opinion, your fiance isn't ready to marry anyone until he can put them first. And putting them first means giving up the porn.

[novaseeker]

Yes but Scout you must be much more upset by porn in general than the OP is. She says she doesn't mind porn in general, it's the frequency issue, the "doing it alone" issue, and the impact issue, so it seems like her perspective is different.

[77streaks]

hi there,

i'm no expert, but it sounds like he's addicted to porn!

he needs some counselling, maybe...can't say what's normal, what's not.

 

but, just so you know u're not alone...i would be very uncomfortable in the situation you're in.

 

good luck.

[WildChild]

Well, I am in the middle of a crossfire on this same issue. I never minded porn or watching it. Hell we even went to strippers together. However, like you my bf is watching it at all times whether I am home or not. Our sex life is nil to none to say the least, which I now think has to do with him more emotionally than anything. But I realized that by tolerating him going to these sites which flaunt young, taunt women I am basically hanging myself with my own noose. I threw out all the magazines (and he was fine with that), and told him last night I am going to start doing the same thing to him: make him feel inadequate. Make him wonder if he is too old, too overweight, not up to my standards. Porn is there, and there is no way to stop it. A lot of it has to do with fantasy, but many of these sites require you sign up to even enter the sites and that leads to a bunch of BS which I recently found in his emails. I guess I am at the point now that I won’t tolerate it like before and he basically shot himself in the foot. Like I said, it is pretty normal for people to look, but when it becomes a problem then it is wrong. This may be something he needs to do on his own (from what I have learned by opinions of men on this site), but to lock you out of the room is not right. You need to figure out a happy medium because if he is going to that great of lengths, you never know where it might lead him or your relationship.

[Scout]

She *says* she doesn't mind it in general, but I sense that's not exactly the case. She doesn't like the Internet porn at all, she did say that.

 

I personally think she's trying too hard to be an accommodating person so she isn't branded as one of "those women" who have a problem with porn.

 

Well, frankly, I'm one of those women if I'm in a committed relationship.

 

And I'm sure my boyfriend would have a problem - a REAL problem - if I was looking at male porn on even a semi-regular basis.

[Scout]

Exactly, WildChild. The issue is even beyond porn. People who insist on looking at porn on a regular basis when they are in an actual relationship know that it hurts their partner, but they keep doing it. For the partner to act like there's nothing wrong with that just doesn't make sense.

[maplesyrup]

I don't mind the other forms of porn, and we had an agreement that if he were to look at it on the internet, he would ask me first, that gives me a chance to offer myself as an alternative before he resorts to it.

I AM trying hard, because after so many times of telling him how I feel and him doing it anyway I have accepted that I have to try, that he won't stop.

I honestly don't mind it in moderation, as in once a day or so, especially considering I provide him with that kind of release usually once a day as well. Our sex life is great, it is not one sided or horribly compromised.

I talked to him about his 'need' and he told me masturbating is different than real person sex to him and he requires both. Although even he has trouble understanding it or explaining it. I have noticed, though, he does it more when he is bored by himself or restless before bed. Counseling is not an option, he wouldn't go. But I need to know what I can say or do to help this myself.

[danylion]

I agree with scout, I think if he stopped the porn MS would be happy. Im sorry but I think you are trying to accommodate him and he's taken that for granted.

By letting him know how you REALLY feel, this does not make you a prude it makes you normal and his relationship with porn is not normal. He would not like you looking at men 6hrs a day.

 

Can I add I appreciate that men have needs as do women and its FINE to want to do it on your own in a cheeky moment or together but locking you out is sending out a negative vibe. It seems he has a habit which he's now comfortable with and you are the one working on the relationship for you both.

[WildChild]

Men (and women) are going to masterbate and he may very well need the stimulation to help in that process. He is opening up to you about this, which actually is a good sign. HOWEVER, it is not just about him getting off now. It is about how addicting internet porn is. Once you look at one site, you click another link and it leads you to something else and so on and so on. It's not like a movie you can just pop into the DVD player. Internet porn is so widely spread in every facet. You don't need to embarrass yourself by going into an adult store or the back room of a video store. One click of the mouse and you have entered a whole new world. I realized by me tolerating it is saying it is o.k. to disrespect my feelings on it. Like I said, I didn't mind it but when I am sitting there washing the GD dishes in my pj's and he is looking at some 20 year old that is where I feel humiliated and not good enough. How great for him: I do his dishes and he fantasizes on the computer. Tell me how it would look to my kids if I was in stilettos doing the dishes just to appease to his need of fantasy

[Scout]

I don't have any advice to help you deal with this, because I don't think you should HAVE to deal with this. Looking at porn every day is not in moderation, either.

 

You have told the man who you plan on marrying that his addiction causes you pain, and he has turned it back on you saying you can't fully provide his sexual needs.

 

That is an excuse to justify his addiction.

 

And that's it in a nutshell. He's addicted, just like other people are addicted to Internet gambling, or going to prostitutes, or taking drugs.

 

If you honestly feel you can handle marrying a man with a serious addiction, then stay with him. Otherwise, I don't have any advice for you. You said yourself he refuses counseling, which is the only real option I see to make your relationship a healthy one. Again, his refusal is putting his addiction to viewing strangers' naked bodies over his commitment to put you first.

[maplesyrup]

But what do I do now? I may have been trying to accommodate too much, but I have also been doing it in a way to steer him into other forms than the computer and also so that I would be involved. And I don't seem to be getting a reponse to it. I try to say what I mean and it always comes out wrong, I just end up dropping nonchalant hints that I know, and he just retorts with something that resembles a lie. I don't mean to say hes lying, but he doesn't realize how I take things. As in him trying to tell me about how much he looked at it, knowing damn well I can see the times on the computer. I wish he would just delete it so that I would never know or worry about whether I was good enough, comparing myself to women that hes looking at. And I have already tried to increase our own frequency, but I just end up scarred and sore, and have to recover for days anyhow.

Could someone please accept this situation the way it is and offer me some straight advice, I appreciate all the responses, but I don't want to change anything major in the relationship, I just want to deal with the problem at hand. Thank you.

[WildChild]

You need to take the bull by the horns and stop tip toeing around the issue. I did the same thing and it got me NO WHERE. I finally voiced my opinion and made it clear I meant what I said. The kicker is, and I hate to say it, is that he does not want you involved. This is about his fantasy. My guy at least once in a while would look with me, but only when I initiated it. He denies he goes to these sites but I made it clear I am not dumb and he is fooling no one. I won't stop on the issue and nor should you. You catch him, you confront him. He denies it, you tell him you're not stupid. I would try the ole what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I started that approach last night. Anytime I see him doing something he knows hurts my feelings, I am going to do the same thing. They need a taste of their own medicine, and you are there feeding him the sugar to make the medicine go down better. How about not giving it to him for awhile. He already said he needs both. Let's see how well he does not having the real thing.

[Scout]

Could someone please accept this situation the way it is and offer me some straight advice, I appreciate all the responses, but I don't want to change anything major in the relationship, I just want to deal with the problem at hand. Thank you.

 

What is it you want us to tell you? That it's ok he looks at porn this much and you should get over it? I mean, it seems that's what your fiance is already telling you, so why do you want strangers to tell you this?

 

Maybe because you know in your heart that's BS?

 

Maplesyrup (great nickname, by the way! I read a book not too long ago called "Female Chauvinist Pigs." It's about how the porn industry is now considered mainstream, and porn stars are the role models young women dress as and turn to for sexual advice. Well, there's more to the book then that, but the point is that women are now helping to objectify women as mere sex objects. What's more, most women in the porn industry were sexually abused as children, so these women your fiance is lusting over were likely sexually assaulted by their fathers or another male relative before they were 8 years old.

 

Anyway, another major point of the book is that women now want to be accepted as "one of the guys." So, they go to strip clubs, they buy porn for their partners, they flash their boobs for free hats (think "Girls Gone Wild" videos" and so on.

 

The result is that we're right back where we started in terms of being taken more seriously than just as sex objects. And women are also responsible now for this setback.

 

It's a fascinating book, and it might give you some insight into why you feel it's the right thing to accommodate your fiance's porn addiction.

[danylion]

asking people to accept is asking to them agree and the majority don't. Sorry but you are not happy, you are sore from trying to please his needs!! What about yours.

 

The reason why he does'nt bother to erase the history (all men and girls know how to do it and girls) is because he doesn't care, he thinks its acceptable.

 

Tell him its not acceptable, but if you are scared of change or what might happen if you speak up then just remain the same.

You need to tell him, like I said before, tell him how you really feel. Print your thread out and give it to him if you can't say it face to face.

 

Sorry if its not what you wanted to hear. Good luck

[maplesyrup]

I'm sorry, you're right. I don't know what I was looking for when I posted this. What kind of magical cure I would find. I've tried everything and it doesn't work. I am just so afraid of loosing him if I confront this too strongly. He said he would quit if it really bothered me, but I can't even get him to tell me the truth about it anymore. He put up with so much in the beginning of this relationship for me, to work things out and to get to where we are now. I just feel so insufficient because of how the instances have increased. Thanks for your time everyone, but I think I will just go back to deleting the computer history before I look at it, it's none of my business anyway and its how all of this started. He displays so much patience for me on a daily basis, I have several physicall diseases and mental illness that are very trying. I think I will simply chalk this one up to tolerance of the heart. Relationships are compromising and this is my test. I failed, but I think I recover from it before it causes permanent damage. Thanks again everyone, but sorry to waste your time.

[WildChild]

I am curious now though. Has he always done this or just recently began?

[maplesyrup]

Always, but usually with magazines and videos, when I was not around or sound asleep. Now with the computer, its been internet only and while I am awake and perfectly able to soothe his needs, making me feel like I have to compete for his attention. Especially with it going from once to twice a day to so much more, without any obvious reason..I don't know, I will figure something out, thank you for your time.

[WildChild]

Well, I am sorry to hear you are just going to blanket this issue. You are now reaffirming to him that it is o.k. I am sorry to tell you but this is only going to get worse because the more quiet you are the more he will think he is getting away with it and the more and worse it is going to get. Who will be there to wipe your tears for you while you are alone in bed again because he has locked you out of the room? Him? No, he will be too busy concentrating on his needs than the fact he has hurt you again.

[maplesyrup]

Thank you lgirl, but it just isn't that easy. I wish it was. but it isn't.

[lgirl]

he's obviously addicted and he is putting porn before you and what you want or your needs. frankly, if you've had to tell him more than a coupla times, you should forget it. he's not listening and isn't interested in listening to you. that's what you should be bothered about - it's like he has no regard for you (or respect for women, but that's another issue). actions speak louder than words. i would be very disturbed if my bf went to look at porn 30 mins AFTER making love to me. it would be the last time that's for sure.

 

the fact you are literally begging him to be involved and do it with you and he still shuts you out speaks volumes. how long are you prepared to put up with his rejecting behaviour before you realise you deserve to be treated WAY better? you say you're cool with it but it's obviously damaging your self-esteem which is not good. you are so frightened of losing him that you are compromising yourself (which he doesn't respect).

 

you should find a guy who is only interested in you - not in one-dimensional, degrading images of OTHER women. you are trying far to hard to satisfy a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart. he can't care about you that much if that's how he treats you.

[lgirl]

why not? your bf has a serious problem that is seriously affecting you - ,just reading your post saddens me, i can feel your 'light' has gone out over this. you have to find a way to put yourself first or you will live to regret it, truly. don't sell yourself short. no one's worth it.

 

Thank you lgirl, but it just isn't that easy. I wish it was. but it isn't.

[maplesyrup]

I lost my light along time ago, hun, and he's the only one that brings a candle to funeral of my soul. He's all I have, I mean this quite literally and not like most. I cannot bring myself to do anything to jeopardize the way things are, everyone else has already left me because I am so hard to deal with, between the Krohns, and the anxiety its a wonder why anyone would stay this long. Now that one has come along and promised to help me through the rough patches of my psyche, it seems so naive to cause problems over something like this. Sorry to get everyone so worked up, but I have to accept this is how things are. Thank you again for your time and patience with me.

[lgirl]

but he's not helping you!! he's dragging you down by making you feel unneeded and excluded!! what kind of love is that? so what you've got Krohns etc, does that mean you only deserve the scrapings from the barrel? where is your pride? surely, it's better to be alone than have someone chipping away at yr confidence like that on a DAILY basis?

 

i know it's not easy, but you will only get what you settle for. you say he's promised to help you, but that's no guarantee that he's actually going to stick around. then what? it is not "naive" to "cause problems over this" as you say. if it wasn't a problem or wasn't bothering you, you would never have posted here to start with.

 

you do NOT have to accept how things are. you are choosing to. big difference.

 

if you can't face taking action now, then at least try to work on your low self-esteem, so that you can build up some confidence to get the results you want from this situation. in the meantime, how about disconnecting the computer?