I did it. And Now I wait.

[merickso]

Well...

 

many of you probably didnt read my last thread "confused about ex's msg", but I thank those of you who helped me out.

 

My ex contacted me a few times yesterday via email, and then she called me last night to tell me she missed me, etc, but she didnt know what she wanted. NJRon, as well as others, gave me some good advice that I just acted on - I gave her the choice of having me in her life and working on our relationship, or not having me in her life at all. Last night she was crying saying that she loved me, but that she was TOO BUSY to think about her emotions and our relationship. Then right in the middle of our conversation (she's crying, I am telling her how I feel), she says that she has to go because its dinner time with her family (she is 23 and just moved back home, which made dating her like being with a 16 year old). She hangs up and doesnt call me back last night.

 

I was so sick and tired of being led on, being told " I love you, I miss you, I want you..". She told me that she needed time away to focus on her relationship with God, but she is out with friends, hanging out with her family (too dependant on them, its actually weird), starting new activities, etc. So just now I emailed her the following (I have summed it up but I have not left anything out):

 

"Honey,

 

I love you and I want to be with you, and I have been willing to give you space to focus on your personal faith, however, I can not sit back and watch you say that you 'dont have time to feel your emotiions because you are too busy', and have you simply hang up the phone to go eat dinner when we are talking about us. I support you in your decision to focus on your faith, as I said above, but I WILL NOT watch you simply ignore, try not to think about, and not put anything in to our relationship. I feel like I am not even in your top 10 priorities, and it was you 3.5 weeks ago asking me when I would marry you.

There are certain things that I am not willing to watch you push me off for. I miss you and I love you, but if you want me gone and you want a life without me, then I will let you go. I dont want to be your back up plan. If you love me, show me I mean something to you.

M"

 

I am waiting for a response. I am just so tired of this and I want to know what direction I am going.

 

Comments, suggestions, feedback is welcome. I mostly wanted to share what I did with you guys because it felt good to know that I did what I thought (and most of you thought) was the right thing to do.

[kellbell]

Well done! There is absoutely nothing wrong with being assertive and you did it beautifully in that email. Now, the ball in her court and now wait and see what happens. But give yourself a timeline....like how long you are going wait in limbo (i.e. a week, 2 weeks, etc) and stick to it!

 

I wish you luck in all this. Take care.

[kickedin]

nice leave it alone.......trust me......i wish i did things differently...now i dont have the chance you still do

[Itsok]

Nicely done I'd say. However, with her I expect you're going to get the same response as always. "Wait for me, I want you but not now." If that's the case, time to send a good-bye message. You don't have to sit around waiting for her, especially since she doesn't have you in her priorities.

 

I hope things work out for you friend.

 

Many hugs to you...

[NJRon]

Next time, if she comes back wishy washy, it's time to cut the chord. Youhave given her numerous chances to decide. Cut the chord. If she comes back down the road, then maybe you'll be there, maybe you won't.

[Scout]

Yeah, I think you did what you had to do. You're clearly realizing this wishy washy behavior - as NJRon aptly summed it up - is something you don't deserve. Glad this is becoming apparent to you.

 

You told her directly what the deal is. It's up to her to take you seriously and do something once and for all. You've given her clear choices. Hopefully you can stick by this.

[merickso]

So she called....

 

and she said I was right. she said that she was sorry and that she does want to be with me and put me as a priority in her life, and that she didnt mean to make me think that she is keeping me as back up. I told her that is exactly how I felt, and I wont do it anymore. I told her that she can either work on our relationship or I'll have to work on no contact with her so that I can move on. She said that she wants to work on the relationship, and she knows that she isnt when she doesnt see me or talk to me. She was at work and only had a few minutes to talk, so she said she had to go.

 

The bottom line is, I said it and I meant what I said. I told her that she needs to tell me which is it going to be, and she said she is going to think about everything today and let me know tomorrow.

 

Group, I want to honestly say that I have never felt so good as I did when I did that. I felt like myself, I feel like I have my self respect back, and to be honest with you, I'll feel better even if its over between me and her. I just feel like I am me again, after the last month of feeling so down and upset and hopeless.... I know that I am just on a high from today and what I told her, but it feels great.

[octopus]

congrats.... hope things will work out for the best.

[Scout]

You have to tell us the outcome of this!

[merickso]

Guys, here is the update thus far. She called me this morning to tell me "I feel really good about us and I miss you. Lets get together early next week and talk about everything".....

 

So I find myself in a bit of a bind. I dont want to give her more time, however, she did admit that she was wrong and I dont want to 'play games' or anything, so I figure that I will give her this last bit of time as I do feel better about the situation. HOWEVER, I know that I am giving in a bit, which I did not want to do, and I know what you guys have said above about sticking to it, but I just feel that, since she was the one that said she wanted to get together with me early next week, then it gives me comfort to know that she wants to resolve things.

 

I do not plan on and have not contacted her AT ALL in the last 2 weeks.

 

more thoughts and comments are always welcome - I take all the advice I get on this forum very seriously as I know you have all been through tough breakups.

[NJRon]

Hey... you've let it dangle in the wind this long... what's another few days

[Scout]

I'm concerned. Why does she not want to get all this out on the table sooner than early next week? Did she say why this weekend wasn't a good time to get together?

[merickso]

her reason was because she is getting baptised at her church on sunday and she has some classes tomorrow and sat and she wants to focus her attention on that. Dont get me wrong, its not my thing and its a bit frustrating, but I dont mind giving her time to work on that because its important to her.

thoughts?

[Itsok]

In complete honesty, I don't think she's very serious about getting this relationship back together. She's certainly taking her sweet time thinking it through though. Doesn't she realize how heartless she is being, leaving you hanging?

 

I think once she is baptized that will only further her belief that you are too far away from her in a religious aspect and she'll end the relationship. I really hope I'm wrong merickso, but that's just my 2 cents.

[merickso]

itsok, I hope your wrong too, but I do fear that you are right. To be honest with you guys, I am kind of nervous about how the whole baptism thing is going to go over with her... because, as itsok said, it might just further the gap between our beliefs. I guess I am just hoping that once she has her beliefs in order, then she will be able to concentrate more on our relationship and, as I believe, maybe she'll realize that two people can be together that dont see completely eye to eye on everything (although I know that religion is a huge issue). I know maybe couples, both married and long term, who have different beliefs but respect each other enough that it does not effect their relationship.

 

thats what I am hoping for with her, but I am not holding my breath. and the question still remains - do I want to be with someone who is capable of just pushing me out of her life???

[Nathalie1970]

merickso, I just read your post and I have mixed feelings on what you should do. Like NJ said, you've waited this long, what's another couple of days?? but on the other hand, if she really wanted to work on your relationship, why wouldn't she just meet you to talk for a couple hours instead of leaving you hanging in limbo??

 

Something doesn't feel right.

 

My advice is do what you feel comfortable with and know that you can live with. Good luck to you and I hope everything turns out how you want it to.

 

Nathalie

[NJRon]

My thought is just that she was given the ultimatum recently. An actual ultimatum. She needs to think about it and weight everything. She will want to commune with God and give this the actual thought and consideration it deserves.

 

While the whole thing has been toyed with for a stupid amount of time, I don't think she has actually sat down and tried to decide between one or the other. I don't think that the amount of time she asks for is unreasonable.

 

I do, however, think that if she comes back and has not made a decision, then it is entirely time to move on. You need someone who stands up for what they believe is right for them. At least, if she decides that she wants to part, for whatever reason, you can be assure dthat she is taking responsibility for her decision and that is respectable. This indecision is immature and it's time for her to grow up.

 

So... I know it's going to be an excrutiating weekend. I suggest chicken wings at Hooters to pass the time.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi merickso,

 

Here are some of my thoughts and opinions:

 

Remember how good you felt when you gave her the initial ultimatum? That was because you made a decision and decided to take control of the situation for your own good. Now it seems that she has control and you are feeling a bit down or maybe confused.

 

I have to agree with the others that it doesn't appear she is that serious about getting back in a committed relationship with you. It seems as if she wants to keep stringing you along as long as she can

 

Stick to your ultimatum and don't accept any excuses for anything from her.

 

I do hope that it works out the way you want it to.

 

bcuzitwasfun

[merickso]

UPDATE:

 

well, she called me sooner than I thought. We talked for about 1 hour last night, and everyone including myself will be disappointed to know that I still dont have a definite answer, however there is some parts of the conversation that I would like your opinions on.

 

so we talked for about an hour. At first, she gave me what I wanted to hear - she wants to begin to work on things together. BUT, here is my problem, and again, maybe I am expecting too much. She said that she doesnt want to jump right back into a full "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship and that she wants to just start by hanging out a few times a week IF, until she feels more sure of 'us', those couple times we see eachother are for building our relationship with God. hmm...

 

I told her that I dont mind whatsoever spending more time than we did (which was zero) discussing that aspect of our lives, however, I told her that I cant go back to the "just friends" stage and only see her when she feels that its appropriate. She told me that she loves me, she wants me, and she wants it to work, so I asked her what is so wrong with going back out with me and trying it together. I told her we can take it slow, I dont mind, but that if we only set up to see eachother a couple times a week when SHE says then I'll still have the feelings that I have now (lonely, confused, etc) and that I will COMPLETELY feel that basically I have to prove myself to her in order for her to take me back.

 

we went back and forth for an hour, her saying she wants to start slowly by only doing things church, talking about the bible, etc, and me saying that I need some sort of a relationship commitment. To me it feels like she is expecting us to fail. Also, if we do go back 100 steps to basically just friends that say they love eachother, it will be weird. I mean, after being intimate with her (the whole 9 yards) more than regularly for a year, how can I hang out with her and feel out of place to hold her hand or kiss her or anything.... the whole time I am going to feel like I am on egg shells.

 

The conversation ended because she had to go (OFCOURSE) as she had to write her testimony, and I just said that I need something more than just being able to see her a couple times a week when she will get to see whether or not I am faithful enough for her. There was about a 3 minute silence, then she said "I love you, I'll call you later, bye" and I said "bye".

 

I don't know if I am expecting too much and if I should just be happy that she wants to begin to work on things as friends that love each other and want to be with eachother...... or if I should be angry/upset that she isn't willing to be with me on the record. The only difference which I told her that I can see is that she would have to say "yes, we are together" if one of her family members asked.

 

Did I get what I want? Is it enough that she wants to 'work on things slowly' without being together?

 

PS. Her ex boyfriend (a real creepy head-game type) sent her a "hows it going" email, so of course that ads to the stress of it all. she forwarded me the email and said that she would never respond and that it means nothing to her, but its still on my mind and ads more stress.

[dizziest]

If it were me, i'd call it a day. She is mucking you around imo. If she wanted to seriously make things better she would do more than the occasional phone call.

 

I'd be strong and end it cleanly but its your choice.

[NJRon]

This is absolutely no different than anything at all she has said or done in the past. There has been no progress whatsoever. You need to stick to your original timeline. Frankly, listen to what you are saying:

 

You want a relationship with her

She wants a relationship with God

 

Let me change something to make it clearer...

 

You want a relationship with her

She wants a relationship with somebody else

 

There is no working on things slowly when she is not Present. She wants to tutor you in religion? Convert you? What? Invite some Jehovah's Witnesses over for that. You don't need a girlfriend for that.

 

You are broken up right now. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Do you even want to be friends with this girl? If you just met this person randomly for the first time, would they actually be offering you what you want? I don't think so, because all she is offering is what she wants. God.

 

[Edit: She is messing with your head with circular (il)logic.]

[Itsok]

She is stringing you along. She doesn't know what she wants, but she'd rather have you sitting on the sidelines than not at all.

 

Point blank this is what is going to happen: this whole thing is going to unravel again, with her saying the usual you aren't religious enough for her or whatever. She will then break the relationship up again.

 

Friend, the only reason she is doing this is because she wants you to change into something you are not. If you aren't going to fake that you are as into God as she is, it's time to cut contact and move forward.

 

I am very religious and my boyfriend believes in God in a different way than I do. I have never considered breaking up an otherwise happy relationship because of this.

 

Either she wants you or she doesn't. She is stringing you along and you're biting the carrot with a lot of force.

 

If you don't end the relationship yourself now, I can guarantee you will feel sorry later. This is always going to be an unsolvable issue for the two of you, one that she will not budge over.

 

I'm sorry.

[merickso]

ARG!!!

 

SO FRUSTRATING... this girl is so great in all other ways, shes funny, beautiful, smart, romantic, kind, loving, and great in bed! and now I have to lose her because of this?? Because we both believe in God, but she is so entrenched in it and she is soooo focused on the symantics of being a Christian. Its just plain horrible.

 

I wish she didnt contact me after she broke up. She just sent me an email that ended with (it was really short, saying that she didnt know if our converstion was good or bad last night) "I love you, we'll figure it out".

 

I am so tired of this crap. I dont even know where the girl is that I spent the last year laughing with, learning with, spending time with, and sleeping with.

 

I just emailed her and I told her:

 

"I am sorry to have to do this, I love and and I wanted this to work, but if you arent willing to be with me and you arent willing to trust in us, then we should just part ways. Let me know if you are willing to commit to me, and, if you are, whether you are willing to focus on 'us' and not just break it off if something isnt perfect.

I love you, M"

 

thanks for the advice, I am going to take it and move on unless she is ready and willing to cut out the crap and move forward with me.

 

At this point, I feel speechless. Sorry that I have been going around in circles group, its just so hard to let something go that you love and its within arms reach... eventhough I know its not actually what I had before.

[bcuzitwasfun]

NJRon and Itsok are right. She is stringing you along and maiking up any kind of excuse to do it.

 

How will you feel if you wait for her to talk the last time about things and she doesn't show up? I would take NJRons advice and enjoy some wings and Hooters at Hooters if I were you.

 

It's not worth it.

 

You are woth something. You make somebody happy everyday you see them. You may not know it but you do. It may be the person at the gas station, coffe shop, work, school, kids (if you have any), somebody is glad to see you.

 

She is not. She seems to be great and all that, but look at what is happening. I hear that big sucking sound. She is sucking all of your time and energy from you. Don't let her do it. You have plenty of energy and time to give to somebody who deserves your time. Give it to them!

 

It pleased me that you were happy about taking control. You finally felt good about yourself. So lets do it again. Tell her that everything is now on your terms, not hers, you want out. Let her know that this is the way it is and that you mean it. Don't listien to any excuses. You know what you need to do you just have to do it.

 

Hang in there and keep right on going!

 

The best

bcuzitwasfun

[Scout]

Well, I think at least if you two break up it's for a valid reason. Religious beliefs are very important to have in sync. I know that with my current boyfriend, this could be an eventual problem for us if we let it. He's agnostic, I'm Christian.

 

The problem is the longer I'm with him, I'm starting to question some of my own beliefs, and I don't even want to go there. It's not his fault, but we're talking some real guilt issues.

 

I can understand where your girlfriend is coming from, but at the same time, I have grown a little wary with some of the, as someone put it, semantic aspects of Christianity.

 

Also, I think your email to her is going to be a bit of a shock. It might have been better if you had said, "I've given this some more thought, and I honestly feel you keep pushing back "figuring us out" on a time table. I realize I agreed to speak with you early next week, but some feelings are surfacing since then that once again, I'm waiting for you."

 

Just to put that on the table....and to have seen what she would respond with. But now you've kind of drastically changed the arrangement. And almost made it easy for her to make the decision not to continue forward.